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Thread: Help. Husband wants to live with elderly parents

  1. #11
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Did you say your husband is essentially living with them already? Does he work full time?

  2. #12
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    What happens to your jobs?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Having seen and personally experiencing most angles of the aging parent dilemma, it's probably one of the most challenging things you will ever deal with. I can't stress this enough.

    My mother took in her aging mother. It took years off of her life. From there my mom took care of my Dad with Alzheimer's. I was at their home every weekend, while my kids were still young helping. At some point I had to intervene and place my dad in a facility. At the rate we were going, I would lose both of them.

    My Dad dealt with his parents, X2 seeing his natural parents divorced and remarried. And most recently losing my mom who made me promise I would never take into my home. I moved her around to corner and was at her home continuously.

    My bf is dealing with his parents declining health in another state. He shares his wishes to either marry or move in together often. I have no shame telling him that I don't have it in me to take care of another parent. For financial reasons, it's very likely one or the other with ultimately have to live with him. Our future is on hold.

    I know from experience the toll it takes. I know my story probably isn't helpful, but marriages are about compromise. One person doesn't get to make a massive, unilateral decision without the other. Not if you want to stay married.

    I say you keep working at a compromise. It may seem impossible, but you can find a way to have them near you without living with them. . .If you have to. You might have to give something up to do so, but don't thinks it's impossible.

    Besides, it's a little easier (if there is such a thing) to consider making this commitment to our own parents. You need to sensitive to the fact that these are not your partners parents and they aren't going to feel about it the same way you do.
    It's only fair.

  4. #14
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    Id have to abandon my career and find another job. Id also be 300 miles away from my own family all of a sudden. 😭

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I don't understand why YOU have to pack up and leave for this. if anything he should packed them up and bring them there. Put them in an apartment close to doctors/specialists and get a home care worker to come in a few times a week. He can spend time helping them on weekends. There are other options to take, rather than up root your lives for theirs. Is this his way to get free rent and save a few pennies? It's not worth it. They need to down size anyways, so it makes sense to sell off the house and assets so they can afford the medical assistance as they need it. it's a win win...they get the help they need and you get to keep your life.

  7. #16
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    You sound very immature and selfish for someone in your mid 30's. I'm pretty shocked that you think it's all just about you; it's def not. His parents are sick and they brought him up, I think what he's doing is perfectly understandable and expected. I feel pretty bad for your parents.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    You sound very immature and selfish for someone in your mid 30's. I'm pretty shocked that you think it's all just about you; it's def not. His parents are sick and they brought him up, I think what he's doing is perfectly understandable and expected. I feel pretty bad for your parents.
    Of course its about me. This is deeply affecting my life in a negative way. Id have to move over 300 miles away from my own family, leave my career, end up with whatever job I can find, and spend the foreseeable future as a carer to his parents who have always been awkward and unpleasant to me. They are not nice people and Im panicking at the idea of my entire life changing in order to please them.

  9. #18
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    And in addition to that, they have loads of money in the bank and if they downsized theyd have plenty for the rest of their lives including cost of proper care.

  10. #19
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    No way would I ever want my kids to uproot their spouses and lives to cater to me when I'm old.

    I'm already ill and live several hundred miles away. I repeat, no way would I ever expect this from them. I take care of my own health issues. I know how.

    Your husband, however, feels differently.

    A neutral third party could be invaluable (and possibly marriage saving). I recommend you book an appointment with a counselor specializing in your situation to help find a solution you both can live with.

  11. #20
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Omg are you me??? My in-laws are now 87 and his father has advanced dementia and Parkinsons ,my mother-in-law can barely move and needs surgery ( AGAIN)and they expect their children to be their caregivers even though they have a shyte whack of money to have people look after them . My sister-in-law has called people and they have cancelled every service she arranges. My in-laws have always been horrible to me . Yet my husband is chancing his career to go home in two weeks to look after his father while his mother is in the hospital.
    Originally Posted by Suzy456
    And in addition to that, they have loads of money in the bank and if they downsized theyd have plenty for the rest of their lives including cost of proper care.

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