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Thread: Issue With My Parents

  1. #1

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    Issue With My Parents

    My parents have been having issues for quite a while now. My mother has confided to me about some of their issues over the years. I realize parents should not have children get involved but my mother has no one else to talk to so please donít comment on that.

    My dad works full time but is close to retirement age and my mom does not work and is retired. The issue is that my dad loves working, he would work until he can no longer physically do it. He is perfectly content living in the same house and never going on vacations or doing anything except work, running errands, etc. My dad has saved a lot over the years and honestly could have retired years ago but insists on working. While I am not totally aware of how financially secure my parents are I can confirm my dad does not need to work anymore.

    My mother is concerned that they are missing out on traveling and wants to start doing things since they are getting older. My parents have talked about moving, buying a second house, or starting to travel. However, if any of those things mean leaving their current home or takes my dad away from working he will not do it. My dad is close to retirement age but he is still in heavy demand in his line of work and could work well after 65.

    Any advice would be appreciated. My mom has sworn me to secrecy about this but I feel I need to say something to my dad. I feel like I should maybe try to bring up to my dad about relocating or starting to travel. Itís very obvious that my parents donít travel or do much of anything so I feel that would not be out of line if I bring that up to him.

    Thank you!

  2. #2
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    Why canít she travel with friends?

    I mean... I know that you didnít want us to comment on it... but it sounds like your mom needs friends in general - both to keep her occupied and to have people to talk to. Maybe travel with.

    You canít rely on your partner to fulfill ALL of your needs. If your Dad wants to work, I donít see anything wrong with that.... Why canít they both have what they want?

  3. #3
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    Would working part-time be an option for your dad?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Between her very inappropriately confiding in you about this and the utter lack of respect for her it takes to even entertain the idea she's not a grown enough woman to handle her own marital interests with her own spouse, there's a whole lot of "wow" going on here.

    You don't want us to bring up the idea of you asserting boundaries rather than play therapist / marriage counselor, but if you come in here asking what 2 + 2 is, I'm going to tell you 4 regardless. You wanna volunteer to tread swamp water, then by all means be my guest. Learn to love the smell because that's pretty much all you or anyone else is gonna get from it. Perhaps if she no longer has venting to you as a bandaid, she can find the motivation to properly address her marital issues.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You so donít much have an issue with your parents. Your parents have an issue with each other and need to talk to each other. I have told my husband I am not following you in the military for 40 years to then do exactly what you want in retirement too. When it comes to that we are doing what I want. Travel .

  7. #6
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    What does he do when it's his vacation time?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So...why isn't your mom taking herself on trips?
    Just go ahead and do it, stop complaining to you, and stop trying to change who your father is.
    And if you are so concerned about all this, book a trip with your mom so she doesn't have to do the leg work of preparing it and talking money with your dad.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Deejmonster's Avatar
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    I don't have much advice to give but I do want to tell you that my dad is pretty much the same way. Works long hours, often loses out on vacation time, and generally doesn't like going on trips and doesn't want to move ever again, whereas my mother is retired and maintains the house and yard, and wants to travel and eventually move. I think it might just be a generational thing. I think when push comes to shove and as he continues to get older, he will give up work. I am not sure what there is that you can do. Maybe if your mom can travel on her own and share some of the things she has experienced he might be willing to change his perspective.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    So...why isn't your mom taking herself on trips?
    Just go ahead and do it, stop complaining to you, and stop trying to change who your father is.
    And if you are so concerned about all this, book a trip with your mom so she doesn't have to do the leg work of preparing it and talking money with your dad.
    Yes all of this. And kind of judgey as far as "doesn't need to work" because I bet your dad would do volunteer work if he got laid off or was forced to retire, etc. Some people love to work. It also can keep them young. Your mom can travel, do volunteer work, etc on her own, with a senior group, with friends, etc. Or with you as Itsallgrand suggested. I now work part time since my child is still youngish and likely will go to full time later in life -when I am closer to 60. I don't want to stop working in my field whether it's paid or volunteer. I can see my husband working past retirement age too and no we don't desperately need the $. However, we also both love to travel and make time for that. If he didn't love to travel I would go on my own and vice versa.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do nothing. Let her confide but stop there. Your father is blessed that he wants to work and can work. Hope he works until he's 80. He works to feel useful and engaged. Your mother would feel better if she had more friends and purpose. You mother could use a more active social life.

    Suggest she join some clubs, groups, takes some classes, courses, volunteer, etc. In fact look up some local stuff she may be interested in. Take some classes or courses together. Get her involved in physical activity, yoga class, etc. Join her in some of these to get her started. She needs to be with peers and make the most of her life.

    They can always still go on vacation as before. Way too many seniors suffer from boredom, loneliness, isolation and inactivity when they retire. Your father is smart to keep going. Rock stars, politicians, businessmen, etc who are healthy and active seem to all keep going as long as they can. You can help her but not by nagging your dad on her behalf or suggesting he gets put out to pasture, but by encouraging her to do more with her life and have some friends to talk to.
    Originally Posted by DanG12
    My mother is concerned that they are missing out on traveling and wants to start doing things since they are getting older. My parents have talked about moving, buying a second house, or starting to travel. However, if any of those things mean leaving their current home or takes my dad away from working he will not do it. My dad is close to retirement age but he is still in heavy demand in his line of work and could work well after 65. My mom has sworn me to secrecy about this but I feel I need to say something to my dad.

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