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Issue With My Parents


DanG12

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My parents have been having issues for quite a while now. My mother has confided to me about some of their issues over the years. I realize parents should not have children get involved but my mother has no one else to talk to so please don’t comment on that.

 

My dad works full time but is close to retirement age and my mom does not work and is retired. The issue is that my dad loves working, he would work until he can no longer physically do it. He is perfectly content living in the same house and never going on vacations or doing anything except work, running errands, etc. My dad has saved a lot over the years and honestly could have retired years ago but insists on working. While I am not totally aware of how financially secure my parents are I can confirm my dad does not need to work anymore.

 

My mother is concerned that they are missing out on traveling and wants to start doing things since they are getting older. My parents have talked about moving, buying a second house, or starting to travel. However, if any of those things mean leaving their current home or takes my dad away from working he will not do it. My dad is close to retirement age but he is still in heavy demand in his line of work and could work well after 65.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. My mom has sworn me to secrecy about this but I feel I need to say something to my dad. I feel like I should maybe try to bring up to my dad about relocating or starting to travel. It’s very obvious that my parents don’t travel or do much of anything so I feel that would not be out of line if I bring that up to him.

 

Thank you!

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Why can’t she travel with friends?

 

I mean... I know that you didn’t want us to comment on it... but it sounds like your mom needs friends in general - both to keep her occupied and to have people to talk to. Maybe travel with.

 

You can’t rely on your partner to fulfill ALL of your needs. If your Dad wants to work, I don’t see anything wrong with that.... Why can’t they both have what they want?

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Between her very inappropriately confiding in you about this and the utter lack of respect for her it takes to even entertain the idea she's not a grown enough woman to handle her own marital interests with her own spouse, there's a whole lot of "wow" going on here.

 

You don't want us to bring up the idea of you asserting boundaries rather than play therapist / marriage counselor, but if you come in here asking what 2 + 2 is, I'm going to tell you 4 regardless. You wanna volunteer to tread swamp water, then by all means be my guest. Learn to love the smell because that's pretty much all you or anyone else is gonna get from it. Perhaps if she no longer has venting to you as a bandaid, she can find the motivation to properly address her marital issues.

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You so don’t much have an issue with your parents. Your parents have an issue with each other and need to talk to each other. I have told my husband I am not following you in the military for 40 years to then do exactly what you want in retirement too. When it comes to that we are doing what I want. Travel .

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So...why isn't your mom taking herself on trips?

Just go ahead and do it, stop complaining to you, and stop trying to change who your father is.

And if you are so concerned about all this, book a trip with your mom so she doesn't have to do the leg work of preparing it and talking money with your dad.

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I don't have much advice to give but I do want to tell you that my dad is pretty much the same way. Works long hours, often loses out on vacation time, and generally doesn't like going on trips and doesn't want to move ever again, whereas my mother is retired and maintains the house and yard, and wants to travel and eventually move. I think it might just be a generational thing. I think when push comes to shove and as he continues to get older, he will give up work. I am not sure what there is that you can do. Maybe if your mom can travel on her own and share some of the things she has experienced he might be willing to change his perspective.

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So...why isn't your mom taking herself on trips?

Just go ahead and do it, stop complaining to you, and stop trying to change who your father is.

And if you are so concerned about all this, book a trip with your mom so she doesn't have to do the leg work of preparing it and talking money with your dad.

 

Yes all of this. And kind of judgey as far as "doesn't need to work" because I bet your dad would do volunteer work if he got laid off or was forced to retire, etc. Some people love to work. It also can keep them young. Your mom can travel, do volunteer work, etc on her own, with a senior group, with friends, etc. Or with you as Itsallgrand suggested. I now work part time since my child is still youngish and likely will go to full time later in life -when I am closer to 60. I don't want to stop working in my field whether it's paid or volunteer. I can see my husband working past retirement age too and no we don't desperately need the $. However, we also both love to travel and make time for that. If he didn't love to travel I would go on my own and vice versa.

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Do nothing. Let her confide but stop there. Your father is blessed that he wants to work and can work. Hope he works until he's 80. He works to feel useful and engaged. Your mother would feel better if she had more friends and purpose. You mother could use a more active social life.

 

Suggest she join some clubs, groups, takes some classes, courses, volunteer, etc. In fact look up some local stuff she may be interested in. Take some classes or courses together. Get her involved in physical activity, yoga class, etc. Join her in some of these to get her started. She needs to be with peers and make the most of her life.

 

They can always still go on vacation as before. Way too many seniors suffer from boredom, loneliness, isolation and inactivity when they retire. Your father is smart to keep going. Rock stars, politicians, businessmen, etc who are healthy and active seem to all keep going as long as they can. You can help her but not by nagging your dad on her behalf or suggesting he gets put out to pasture, but by encouraging her to do more with her life and have some friends to talk to.

My mother is concerned that they are missing out on traveling and wants to start doing things since they are getting older. My parents have talked about moving, buying a second house, or starting to travel. However, if any of those things mean leaving their current home or takes my dad away from working he will not do it. My dad is close to retirement age but he is still in heavy demand in his line of work and could work well after 65. My mom has sworn me to secrecy about this but I feel I need to say something to my dad.

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Recommend to Mom a site called meetup.org and to make some new friends with whom she can travel.

 

Does Dad have extra vacation time that he's not taking? If you want to approach such a convo from that angle, you can raise the topic of your own vacation time, how much time you get, how much you're allowed to roll over, etc. Then he might volunteer that information. If he does not, I wouldn't press it. It's not your issue to resolve, it's Mom's.

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I want to add a personal story. My mom worked hard her whole life, and she loved the position she had in later years. She kept working as long as she was physically able to, even when she was diagnosed with late stage cancer. We asked her if there was anything at all she wanted to do, that we could help make happen, but she insisted all she wanted was to live her regular life as long as possible. That involved going to work, tending to her yard and house, cooking and spending time with people she loved. She built a life she really loved.

A few years prior to this, we had bought her a cruise vacation to Alaska - as she had talked about it since we were little kids. She was waiting on her partner to book time off and do it with her - she waited years. He still hasn't taken a vacation to this day, working every day. He's set to retire but I don't see him ever stopping working - for him, he will just work more on his farm.

Point is, if mom had waited for him to change, if nothing had been done , she never would have went. Her dream vacation . May seem quaint to some, but to her, it was a big deal.

You never know how things can change. This is why people here are encouraging you, if you say or do anything, to encourage your mom to not stop her living waiting on your dad to want the exact same experiences she wants all the time.

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Girl yer mom has access to a sack of cash....she can take you on trips since you are so close. It doesn't have to be week long trips but you can certainly go for a weekend somewhere, do some shopping and have fun. Go on a wine tour with her, or Vegas, or rent a beach cottage on a lake....better yet, convince them to buy a cottage on a lake so she can take off anytime and relax...take up kayaking or hiking....invite friends and family.

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I married someone to be with them and travel with them.

 

Great! A different angle that could be helpful. Take this statement one step further into a 'what if'. Pretend you're in the shoes of OP's Mom, and you're done with work and ready to travel. What if your husband resisted travel with you to the same degree that OP's Dad is resisting? How would you handle negotiating this?

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I might not. I have told my husband if he doesn’t want to travel with me after 40 years of doing his stuff he can pack his bag .

Great! A different angle that could be helpful. Take this statement one step further into a 'what if'. Pretend you're in the shoes of OP's Mom, and you're done with work and ready to travel. What if your husband resisted travel with you to the same degree that OP's Dad is resisting? How would you handle negotiating this?
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Between her very inappropriately confiding in you about this and the utter lack of respect for her it takes to even entertain the idea she's not a grown enough woman to handle her own marital interests with her own spouse, there's a whole lot of "wow" going on here.

 

You don't want us to bring up the idea of you asserting boundaries rather than play therapist / marriage counselor, but if you come in here asking what 2 + 2 is, I'm going to tell you 4 regardless. You wanna volunteer to tread swamp water, then by all means be my guest. Learn to love the smell because that's pretty much all you or anyone else is gonna get from it. Perhaps if she no longer has venting to you as a bandaid, she can find the motivation to properly address her marital issues.

 

I second this post.

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Have your mother do her own thing such as meet friends for meals, travel with them, travel with you, your family and work around her husband. Many couples do this and it's nothing unusual.

 

My mother worked decades beyond normal retirement age. To each his or her own.

 

I'm similar to your father. I don't enjoy living out of suitcase, traveling, hassling with airports, finally arriving at my home sweet home and asking why I left in the first place? There's plenty to do locally and within reasonable driving distance. In fact, I hate traveling!

 

My husband travels a lot for work and the last thing he wants to do is travel yet again when he just came home.

 

There's always a workaround when spouses disagree regarding travel vs. not traveling. It's perfectly fine to have separate interests, give each other space, reconvene and do other more local activities together. Sometimes the simple joys in life are best such as meals out, convenient outings and watching your bank account grow! :D

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There's always a workaround when spouses disagree regarding travel vs. not traveling. It's perfectly fine to have separate interests, give each other space, reconvene and do other more local activities together. Sometimes the simple joys in life are best such as meals out, convenient outings and watching your bank account grow! :D

 

I agree. The problem is not that we want to do something different than what a partner wants for themselves. The problem only comes if we insist that YOU MUST do it with me.

 

It makes no sense to destroy a relationship over resentment--either by stoking it in ourselves or by causing it in a partner. Then nobody is happy. Part of loving is respecting the limits of a partner and recognizing that if you destroy the relationship, that person won't be in it with you anyway.

 

By adopting self sufficiency, you can have the best of both worlds. As long as a partner doesn't impose their limits on you, then you're free to figure out alternative ways of doing whatever you want on your own.

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DanG12, I am sorry about this issue you are struggling with. I can tell, however, that you have a caring heart and want to help both of your parents.

 

Is there someone close to your family you can talk to, someone who wants the best for your parents and their marriage? I have found that some of the best advice comes from those who are closest to us and want to see our families thrive. Would you consider talking to them about this? Maybe you could present the struggle in general terms without referring directly to your parents.

 

You and your family are in my prayers.

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Reality check. To be fully vested in some company pensions, you cannot retire before 65. For social security, you get more if you wait til 65,67, etc. Don't quote me on the years. Just because he has enough money, in your view to retire, it doesn't mean its not smarter to work for another year or two to get everything he possibly could as far as retirement health benefits from work, etc. So stay out of it

 

Also, I think there are two underlying issues. Mom is already retired and she is bored in her retirement. I have had aunts and uncles and friends of the family that had issues -- one retired first and they have no one to play with, or the opposite, they throw themselves into friends and volunteering or enjoy their routine and when the second person retires their routine is thrown off and they are not used to other being home and they are at odds. The second issue is boundaries -- mom should not be confiding in you -- i mean an offhand "i really would like to go to Greece. I am hoping will take the time off".

 

I think mom should be encouraged to fill up her time with volunteering, taking a class, hobbies, the grandkids - whomever because she is bored with her retirement. My parents and grandparents never had a second home. My parents go on extended weekends but they never really go for any length of time. The money he makes will help if anything should happen to them.

Remember some men feel identity is tied to their job.

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My dad worked til the day he died, at 65. He never took vacation time, he'd work thru it. He liked his job. My mother never talked to me about how she felt about it, so I dont know her thoughts. But she did volunteer work and helped with craft shows at a local senior's home. They never went anywhere other than grocery shopping once a week. I thought it was weird, because other kids had parents who owned cottages, traveled here and there, nothing extravagant, just small trips.

 

Your mother could look into volunteering somewhere, going on a trip with a friend or relative, developing hobbies. I hope she's not sitting home watching The Price is Right.

 

This is not your problem to solve, it's between them. Odds are your dad will keep working til he cant do it anymore or gets pensioned off and has to leave his job.

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