Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 38

Thread: GF went to see her Ex in Hospital

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,004
    Originally Posted by beluke
    Anyways yesterday the EX's mom text my GF and tells her that the EX was stabbed but will be OK and that he would like visitors in the hospital..
    Before I comment further, do you know if this is actually true?

    Meaning, did she actually show you the message his mom sent her? I would be curious to know if she indeed randomly heard this from his mom, or if she's been in closer contact with her ex than she admits and the reach-out wasn't as unexpected as she's saying.

  2. #22
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    7
    According to her once she thought about it she agreed that it was a stupid thing to do. So if she told me about it before hand she would have thought about it before hand and never went to see him. The thing is I don't believe she didn't think about it before hand.

    If she ran it past me first I would have argued with her as to why she feels the need to go. Its hard to say but if she had a good reason / could counter my reasons for not wanting her to go I might be able to accept it. I like to think I am a pretty reasonable person and try to see things from both sides (wear both sets of shoes) in whatever situation I'm in.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    7
    I did not see the actual message but it's not hard to believe that it came from his mom given that she sends messages (usually insignificant) quite often. I don't believe she would want to have any contact with her ex but maybe I should re evaluate that.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,136
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by beluke
    According to her once she thought about it she agreed that it was a stupid thing to do. So if she told me about it before hand she would have thought about it before hand and never went to see him. The thing is I don't believe she didn't think about it before hand.

    If she ran it past me first I would have argued with her as to why she feels the need to go. Its hard to say but if she had a good reason / could counter my reasons for not wanting her to go I might be able to accept it. I like to think I am a pretty reasonable person and try to see things from both sides (wear both sets of shoes) in whatever situation I'm in.
    Or there are those times we might have to agree to things that make us a little uncomfortable, but at least the trust and transparency would have been there.

    The way this was handled damages trust.

    She should be able to trust that you could consider something like this with some degree fairness. And you should trust her to be transparent about things that might be important to you.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Florida
    Age
    29
    Posts
    2,456
    Gender
    Female
    The fact that she went without considering your feelings on it is the red flag for me. Going to see an ex, no matter in what capacity, is concerning - but more so because she is in a relationship (with you) and she's claiming that you didn't even cross her mind when she thought "I should go see my toxic ex".

    I guess the question now is, are you going to try to trust her moving forward?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,846
    Gender
    Male
    My feeling, along with some others, is that the real bummer here is that she didn't talk to you first. You've been together six years, which should be a solid enough of a foundation to withstand what this, in the end, is: the sharp edges of history and humanity poking at the fabric, as happens.

    There is a parallel universe in which she told you about all this, you had a talk, and, who knows, maybe you go visit together, with you waiting in the car. Or something. A tense and awkward day, for sure, but a tense and awkward thing that exists inside your relationship rather than outside it. I do think that's the big rub here, the lack of transparency. A dent in trust where there could have been a building of more trust. No, couples don't have to tell each other everything, but this is exactly the sort of things couples are supposed to discuss together.

    That said, let's just take deep breath here and be honest: there are very few people who would not be thrown to learn that an ex was in the hospital after being stabbed, and to hear about that from the ex's parent who is asking for a visit. A lot of emotional hot coals right there. Not everyone is perfectly graceful when the fire turns up. People stumble. She stumbled.

    So to the proverbial question: Is this the hill you want to die on? Or is this the hill where you want to forgive? She knows she was an idiot. She has apologized. You can't ask for more, in the end.

    Your relationship was built right on the back of their's crumbling. I'd see this moment not as tsunami but as a thorn from that fragile foundation—a sharp one, no doubt, but one that's been there the whole time and just reached the surface. Given that you have six years together and just bought a home, I'd lean toward finding ways for this to be something you get through, together, rather than the thing that triggers your crumbling.

  8. #27
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    7
    There is more to this. At first I tried to think of things separately but clearly its relevant.

    I apologize before hand for confusing story about to come (best friend's friend's husband). Writing is not my forte.

    About a month ago my GF comes back from a girls weekend with her best friend. I can tell when she walks in the door something was wrong. I ask her about it. She tells me that she had a falling out with her best friend. In the past this friend that she was spending the weekend with has had "issues" when they drink together. Basically her friend had a tendency to have nervous breakdowns/panic attacks about various things when she got drunk, to the point of calling a ambulance . Yet the friend continued to want to have these girls nights and drink.

    So my GF tells me that during their night out she started texting her friend's husband. She said she was expressing concern over these episodes and was looking to him for help / advice. Just basically trying to figure out how to help her friend and avoid an episode that night. At some point my GF told her friend's husband that they should delete the txt convo because the friend would be pissed if she found it.

    At some other point in the night my GF made a comment to another girl in the group. My GF told this girl that her (my gf) friend's husband was good looking and that if he was single she would sleep with him.

    I guess this got back to my gf's best friend and she flipped. The best friend was also told that my gf was seen txting her husband that night (from over the shoulder). The best friend then of course found out that the txt msg's where deleted and assumed the worst. My GF tried to explain what the delete messages were about but her friend obviously didn't believe it ( the best friend has extreme jealousy issues). He best friend basically told her that they could no longer be friends and no longer talks to her. They had known each other since diapers.

    I discuss the situation with her and try to calm her down. I felt bad that she just lost such a good friend over something like that.

    That part of the story is not what I'm concerned with though. Its just required background info I think. The part I care about comes next.

    Fast forward two days. I get a call from my GF at work. She is super upset. She tells me that the best friend is threatening her. This is where I learn more about that weekend. I ask her what she means, "threatening you with what?". She explains that she did something really bad and her friend is threatening to tell me if she doesn't do it herself. I tell her that is better that I hear it from her than from her friend. so she explains... She tells me that night when they were at the bar she was txting and being flirty with some guy from work. I guess this guy ended up driving to the bar to meet up with her. My GF claims she didn't ask him to and he never told her that he was on his way. She says the guy meet up with her, introduced himself to her friends and talked for a short time. She says that they only talked for a few minutes/one drink and then stopped because they both felt like what they were doing was wrong and he left.

    She explained that she wasn't happy with our relationship and was frustrated/feeling stuck, that is why she did it. She told me that afterwards the whole episode made her rethink our relationship and how much it really meant to her... she said it made her realize that she shouldn't give up and wants to try to fix things.I admit and admitted that there were things that I defiantly could do better and vowed to work on, as did she. I still didn't feel this was an acceptable excuse however. I was still really pissed off.

    What gets me about this besides the obvious is... the bar they were at was over a hour away, what kind of flirting would be enough to get a guy to drive over a hour to have drinks. On top of that it feels she only told me because she had to. She had the opportunity to come clean when I first asked her about the weekend, instead she only told me after her friend threatened to.

    But in that situation I could really relate to the post above:
    Is this the hill you want to die on? Or is this the hill where you want to forgive? She knows she was an idiot. She has apologized. You can't ask for more, in the end.

    I answered No,Yes and accepted the last three statements. I decided to give the benefit of the doubt, move on, forgive, work on being a better boyfriend, turn this into something that strengthens our relationship, not destroy it.

    Now this happens.

    She is also now telling me "clearly you don't trust me" in reaction to me being pissed off about the EX visit.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,812
    I have an ex who was on drugs. His parents loved me and hoped that being with me would motivate him to get and stay sober. It didn't, of course, but they hoped.

    Maybe this ex's mom hoped your girlfriend could help him get straight. It's not your girlfriend's job, but it seems parents of drug addicts will do or try anything to "help" their child.

    As for why she agreed and went, well, only she can tell you why she wanted to do it.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    10,136
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I have an ex who was on drugs. His parents loved me and hoped that being with me would motivate him to get and stay sober. It didn't, of course, but they hoped.

    Maybe this ex's mom hoped your girlfriend could help him get straight. It's not your girlfriend's job, but it seems parents of drug addicts will do or try anything to "help" their child.

    As for why she agreed and went, well, only she can tell you why she wanted to do it.
    That really seems to fit. Maybe she considers the gf as a last hope.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,123
    Well gee, of course you don't trust her since she started down the road (who knows how far down the road she went) to cheating on you. Your newest story is much more damning than going to see an ex in the hospital. It seems like this hospital visit should be easy for you to forgive... but for the fact that she hid it from you and it's another thing she hid from you. You would never have heard the other story either if her friend didn't have a falling out. I'm not sure how you are supposed to trust her at this point.

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •