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Thread: GF went to see her Ex in Hospital

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by beluke
    That's where it gets more frustrating. I wasn't able to fully cool down as she refuse to leave me alone about it but I don't think I got out of line. I told her i thought it was ed and that I'm really pissed about it. Her response was along the lines of. " I was just trying to be nice and didn't think about the way you would feel. Now I realize how stupid this is and looks and I'm truly sorry".
    That's almost more insulting in my opinion. How do you go to see an EX and not once in that decision even consider how your current BF would feel. I told her that I thought that was BS and I'm not buying it. She then told me "well I guess i was just being nosey".
    "Nosey' about an ex who was abusive and is a drug addict. Hmmm.

  2. #12
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    Has she been in regular contact with him or his mom over the last 6 years? If not, I wouldn’t worry about it too much as long as she applies appropriate boundaries now.

    Over a decade ago, I was friends with a lady “Barb”. I slowly stopped being friends with her because she too was involved in drugs (that I wasn’t really aware about until she OD’d at one point). She also kept hitting on me and tried to convince me that i’m gay (I’m not...). She just made me uncomfortable all around so I stopped being friends with her.

    A decade passed and I got an email (via Facebook) from her girlfriend (I am not friends with either of them on there). The girlfriend was telling me how “Barb” was in the hospital with leukemia. She asked me to go visit “Barb” in the hospital.

    I didn’t... but I was compelled to email her instead - even though she wasn’t a part of my life and I didn’t really want to talk to her. It was clear that she was in a bad place, she had few people, and so they think back to the people who once DID care.

    The request came from his mom. His mom may have been grasping at straws to find someone who was more stable who could be there.

    I agree she should have told you about it - but at the same time, I can see how it could happen. It’s extremely compelling to hear someone’s loved one reach out for help - and to hear the desperation in their voice. She probably (correctly) assumed you wouldn’t understand.

    For me, the important part is what happens now. Is she planning to stay in touch with him? That’s a problem. But if it was a one-time compassionate visit... I mean... this is someone she once cared about who is in a very dark place and she went at the request of his mom.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    She realized she was wrong and apologized to you. Now it's up to you to either accept that, or not.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ultimately this is all you can do:
    Originally Posted by WithLove
    She realized she was wrong and apologized to you. Now it's up to you to either accept that, or not.

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  6. #15
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    Red dress actually made me rethink my original response.

    My gut reaction is it's nonsense and bs for her to be having any contact with said ex. Especially without telling you, and without your blessing.

    That said.... Red dress does make a good point. Your GF going to see someone in the hospital is a decent human caring thing to do. I would make it very clear though that I have zero tolerance for this person being involved in your lives going forward. Basically this should be a one and done scenario. He was down she went and visited... That's the the end of it. You guys have a house together, maybe kids? Kids some day? There wouldn't be room in my life for an abusive ex, drug addict, drug dealer, criminal who's exposed to a violent lifestyle. Not around me. Not around those I love. Not around my kids (future/ current).

    I'd sit her down and say hey, you should have told me about this. You didn't. Let that be the end if it. I wouldn't go on and on over it... But I would be pissed to an extent. But going forward we both need to be clear on the fact that this guy isn't going to be part of my life, which means he can't be part of your life. Period.

    This isn't just some plutonic guy friend. It's an abusive druggy ex. That's 100 % no go zone.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by beluke
    So she went to visit him without telling me about it at all.
    Trying to be open minded about everything until I get this point.

    Had it been all good with the best of intentions, she would have shared this with you.

    Seeing she withheld it suggests that in some way she already knew it was wrong, but went anyway.

  8. #17
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    If she didn't tell you about it... how did you know about it?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I disagree.😋 He's as volatile as plutonium and has nuclear disaster written all over him.
    Originally Posted by Rabican
    This isn't just some plutonic guy friend.

  10. #19
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    Not only did she not tell me, when I asked about it she said "how i would feel didn't even cross her mind until i said something" which is insulting but at the same time i don't believe it. I found out because after not replying to my good morning text all day (she works nights so i txt her in the morning when i head to work around 7am) i called her around 5pm, at which point she told me that she was at the hospital visiting him.

    It seems like people see things both ways on this one. I get the hole being "compassionate" "a caring human being" but its not like it was a unfortunate accident or anything. I have trouble empathizing when his injury's are a direct result of his own stupid choices.

    I can understand the view point that it was his Mom that requested this but in the same message she said he was going to be OK. She sends insignificant messages (random fb "forward this msg to 10 friends" or "cute" memes etc. I think some more personal messages too but i cant recall what exactly) to my gf quite often even though they don't really have a relationship, my gf seems to be confused by this as well. That makes me think it wasn't a "desperate plea". It's not like my girlfriend is the only one in his life that has ever cared about him. In fact he has 2 kids with another EX.

    I realize the only choice's I have is to accept the apology or not. Needed some second opinion's/ a sounding board

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by beluke
    Not only did she not tell me, when I asked about it she said "how i would feel didn't even cross her mind until i said something" which is insulting but at the same time i don't believe it. I found out because after not replying to my good morning text all day (she works nights so i txt her in the morning when i head to work around 7am) i called her around 5pm, at which point she told me that she was at the hospital visiting him.

    It seems like people see things both ways on this one. I get the hole being "compassionate" "a caring human being" but its not like it was a unfortunate accident or anything. I have trouble empathizing when his injury's are a direct result of his own stupid choices.

    I can understand the view point that it was his Mom that requested this but in the same message she said he was going to be OK. She sends insignificant messages (random fb "forward this msg to 10 friends" or "cute" memes etc. I think some more personal messages too but i cant recall what exactly) to my gf quite often even though they don't really have a relationship, my gf seems to be confused by this as well. That makes me think it wasn't a "desperate plea". It's not like my girlfriend is the only one in his life that has ever cared about him. In fact he has 2 kids with another EX.

    I realize the only choice's I have is to accept the apology or not. Needed some second opinion's/ a sounding board
    Just curious. Had she run this past you first, would it make a difference?

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