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Thread: My husband and my family hate each other and I am stuck in the middle!

  1. #1

    My husband and my family hate each other and I am stuck in the middle!

    My husband and my family hate each other. My husbands mother passed away a few months ago and he resents my parents because they were unable to make it to the (international) funeral. They have said many nasty things to each other and my husband said that he will never see my family again and does not want them in the lives of our future children. This has completely crushed me because I am very extremely family oriented. Both my husband and my family mean so much to me and I am stuck in the middle. He is not willing to speak with them and they are not willing to speak with him. I am considering divorce but I donít know if I will be able to deal with the separation.

    Is there anything more I can do to save my marriage and my life with my family?

  2. #2
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    Yeah.

    Sit him down and tell him that this isnt acceptable. Its ok if he doesnt like your family. You cant make him like them. Its like saying you have to like spinach if you dont like it...

    However he does have to behave and act like an adult. And out of respect to you, and your marriage behave in regards to your family. Thats non negotiable. No insults, snide remarks etc. its also unacceptable to think that YOUR family will be prevented from seeing your children as if you have no say in the matter. I would simply lay this out in the most matter of fact, even a cave man can understand it way possible. He can be unhappy with them, hate them, whatever. But hes gonna either ignore them, learn to like them, or simply be vacant from their lives. But he doesnt get to be a toxic poison to your family life, and certainly doesnt get to say who can and cant see your kids that you will have.

    Id sit him down and say you wanna stay married? Because this is how we do it....

    And then have the same conversation with your family. If they expect to see you, and or your kids someday they need to stop the nonsense too.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    His anger from blaming his in-laws for not attending his mother's international funeral is very unreasonable and unrealistic. He needs to think of the poor example he is giving his children by acting like a spoiled brat. As a father, he needs to think of his children growing up with relatives, family reunions and a normal, happy childhood.

    Try seeking professional help such as marriage counseling or therapy. He's very selfish to only think about what he wants when it impacts you, your children, grandparents and other relatives.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    You will have to fill us in on the back story. Why do they hate each other?
    Why are you contemplating divorce now...right after he lost his mother? I'm trying to get my head around that, and all I can figure is that this marriage has been splintered for a long time with a lot of resentments ?
    Losing your mother is not easy. He's grieving. And yeah, sometimes that grief comes out in all sorts of ways.
    I don't know, this is when he needs you most. I just think even if there are problems, now is not the time to jump on whatever he says and the emotional rollercoaster of grief. It's the time to be the stabilizing force.
    I'm imaging my family jumping on my partner during a time of grief, and I'd be pretty upset, telling them to back off for the time being and let him work things out without dumping more stress on him. I'd want to protect him during his vulnerability.

    So I'm wondering what has gone down in this marriage that you don't feel that? That you are looking at leaving him at this time?
    I'm not saying he is blameless. But can your family and him not interact during this time? Why address these issues at this time?

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  6. #5
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    You are family oriented , self proclaimed , yet considering divorce and splitting up your family? That sounds hypocritical to me? Do you not consider your husband family?

    I donít think your parents should have to go overseas to a funeral.
    But you havenít given enough details. How far overseas?
    Are financial issues a factor??
    Or time available a factor?

    How close do you live to your parents and your in laws?

    Is this the last straw for him?

  7. #6
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    I agree with itsallgrand.

    Grief is a strange thing. It sometimes comes out in strange ways - sometimes in the form of anger or lashing out.

    How long ago did his mother pass? Is this uncharacteristic behavior for him?

    If your husband is mad that your family didnít go, it would seem to me that he cares about them and is hurt that they couldnít be there. Itís coming from a place of hurt. Iím not saying thatís reasonable.., but I am saying thatís better than never wanting them there in the first place.

    Why is your family mad at him? You said they hate each other.

    I think a period of cooling down and compassion all around is required here.

  8. #7
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    This all started because they did not travel internationally for a funeral, or has this been going on for some time?

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    There is also no excuse for your parents to say "nasty things" - unless they are just saying things that are true - in a calm manner, and he just doesn't like it.
    Let the death of the mother blow over - emotions are high. Why did you marry him if he and your parents are nasty to eachother =or have your parents always been nasty and he decided he has had enough

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't fuel it by taking sides, pushing people together, etc. Nobody has to like each other, be forced to spend time together, etc. Your family and your husband need to respect you. Unfortunately your family is out of line and shows gross disrespect for you by "hating" your husband. Same for your husband. It's not his call whether your kids can visit with your parents. Keep them apart and don't discuss them with him or him with them. Keep in mind You are the center of this war, divisiveness and disrespect.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd tell husband and each family member separately that each of them are placing me in a terrible position, and if they continue to do so, they will see less of me, not more of me, because I resent this and I'm not going to play.

    Then I'd let the chips fall as I keep my mouth shut beyond recommending that if anyone wants to discuss this with me, they can make an appointment with a family counselor and I'll meet him or her at that office. Otherwise, I don't want to hear a word about why anyone else is to blame for each individual's lousy behavior. From there, I'd avoid family gatherings until 'they' make things right with my husband, but I'd see each family member separately, which means that husband will also see less of me until he makes things right with my family.

    Done. This is not my monkey, people.

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