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Thread: Feeling very guilty for drastic changes made this year

  1. #11
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    What was it at home that was causing you the stress? Is it something that you could be in danger of slipping back in to?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My daughter is happy to go back home too as she misses her brother.
    This is the good news. So if daughter has finished the school year, and you can enroll her in her old school on time, there's your answer.

    I would avoid making this about Son, because that's too much responsibility for him to carry. I'd make it more about myself and my desire to make a new start in my old environment. Nothing to make a big deal about.

    Head high, and make your move as enjoyable as possible for yourself and daughter. Leave all churning about it behind--it's not a 'mistake' if you gained from it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    This is the good news. So if daughter has finished the school year, and you can enroll her in her old school on time, there's your answer.

    I would avoid making this about Son, because that's too much responsibility for him to carry. I'd make it more about myself and my desire to make a new start in my old environment. Nothing to make a big deal about.

    Head high, and make your move as enjoyable as possible for yourself and daughter. Leave all churning about it behind--it's not a 'mistake' if you gained from it.
    Great point about making it about herself and her needs. So so important.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Great point about making it about herself and her needs. So so important.
    Yep, OP, you really must be careful about that. I understand that you felt a need to build a 'case' to gather support from us, but if you present this to son and daughter as such a neediness toward your son, you're placing a burden on him that could damage him psychologically and stunt his growth toward independence. It's also a lousy model for your daughter that can harm her, as well.

    I've heard that it's the job of parents to give their kids "both roots and wings," and the roots are not the hard part. It makes no sense to claim that you'll train your children to embrace independence while at the same time laying your own pain of separation on them. That's a mixed message at best, and a hardcore leash at worst.

    Instead model the message that any choices to explore a move away from one's home can be a healthy and normal test, even while a choice to go back is equally valid. Treating this move as some big catastrophe is not necessary, and making it about the horrors of separation rather than treating it as a positive experience will not inspire your kids' confidence in your judgment, and it will also squelch your own confidence. That's not a great foundation for your kids to trust your input into their lives going forward.

    Make this experience into a good thing, and demonstrate for your kids how to land on your feet no matter where you live.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he living with his father? If he prefers that and remaining with his school, peers and friends that's fine. Stop dumping your guilt on him. He made the choice to be with his dad in his town to finish school and it's a great choice. When it comes to family problems you can run but you can't hide. Wherever you are and whatever you decide, you won't resolve conflict with your mother by bouncing around. Get to a therapist. Learn boundaries. You don't need miles when you have boundaries.
    Originally Posted by Drychemical9
    I have talked with my son - last night in fact. I always apologise to him for not being there with him. It just about rips me into pieces when I think about it. There are no issues with any ex, the toxic situation was emotionally abusive and it was with my mother!

  7. #16
    Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it.
    Firstly, I'm not "dumping" my guilt on my son, I think that's a very harsh way to put it, even though I said Ive apologised to him for not being there. I think it's a natural reaction considering the ups and downs over the past couple of years. Through the counselling Ive had since moving here, I realised I actually need to apologise to myself and I needed to leave the situation I was in to begin to heal. Counselling brought a lot of realities into existence and yes, Ive not had a great realtionship with my mother and that's a big part of my healing process. I 100 percent agree that my problem has been with not setting boundaries to protect myself and my kids. Again, a realisation I was able to understand being away from the problem.
    My son isn't living with his father; their dad moved interstate when I separated from him and he only sees them on school holidays. My son is living with my cousin and her husband and while he's happy, and they're happy to have had him, I feel that he needs to have a parent around - he's coming into some important years in his life - and the last time we spoke he admitted that he wants me to come back.
    He's a very independent young man, he's sensible and mature for his age but hes still young. He sees that I've landed on my feet, he understands why I made the decision to leave and after having gone through what we have I feel it's time to have my family back in the one place!
    I won't be in the same place emotionally, I know this because the reason life got the way it did was my mental weakness, my usual giving into my mother and letting her move into my house - she never left! She took over my house, she refused to budge and I was too weak to fight her (a little more complicated than that, she has her own issues). She and my dad are now living on the other side of the city and I will not put myself in that situation again.
    Last edited by Drychemical9; 07-27-2019 at 10:18 PM. Reason: Adding a little more

  8. #17
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Instead of saying "I feel he needs to have a parent around", say "I would like to be around and available to him, and make it easy for him to invite me to share some of this time with him."

    Make it about you. What YOU want.

  9. #18
    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Instead of saying "I feel he needs to have a parent around", say "I would like to be around and available to him, and make it easy for him to invite me to share some of this time with him."

    Make it about you. What YOU want.
    Thank you so much again - all of you - for your advice and input.

    What you all wrote has really resonated with me and has allowed me to see it in a new light - and with my current journey toward positivity, it really did hit home.

    Thanks again, I really do appreciate it :)

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