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Thread: Girlfriend broke up with me because her mother died. Any advice please?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You did the best you knew, given the situation. At one point she said she didn't want to be a burden to you with her grief. That's a confusing message and what do you do with that? Move in closer or back away?

    Having lost my mother a few months ago and I can tell you the grief is overwhelming. She's basically just trying to get through each day. She barely has enough resolve to take care of herself and it's understandable that she can't participate in a relationship at the moment.

    I agree that No contact does not apply here. If she felt you let her down, this isn't the time to shut her out.

    I can't promise anything will come from this, but what will is cost you to just be her friend at the moment? Maybe you can look at it that way, at least for the time being.

    I am currently hurting a lot too. I am happy to just be her friend for now, but if I stay friends with her, it mean's I won't be able to move on from the pain of the breakup. Do you/ anyone else on here, think it is fair of me to ask her if she wants to be able to hookup with other people (I know people act out in different ways while grieving)? I definitely am happy to wait as long as she needs, but I don't know if I could handle being her friend knowing she is getting with other people. I also really wish I knew if she would want to try again in the future with me, once she has time to do some healing, but I have no idea if I could even ask that. If I knew the answer to those questions I would know how to proceed forward, because honestly my heart is breaking and it is heavily affecting my daily life, and I am not sure how much more pain I can handle from this relationship (wow I feel so selfish writing that).

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by george1993
    I am currently hurting a lot too. I am happy to just be her friend for now, but if I stay friends with her, it mean's I won't be able to move on from the pain of the breakup. Do you/ anyone else on here, think it is fair of me to ask her if she wants to be able to hookup with other people (I know people act out in different ways while grieving)?.
    She told you she wasn't in any place to have a relationship, right? Does that seem not plausible and do you not trust that? Do you think she's just stringing you along and using her moms death as an excuse? Because if so, then move on.

    You are in pain over a break up, yet she explained why she felt the way she did and you seemed to understand that? At least that's what I thought you said. I am however confused why you are still hurting and insecure, even though she is reaching out to you and making an effort here, in spite of everything.

  3. #13
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by george1993
    The wake was only for super close and immediate family (not even extended family was invited). Everyone was invited to the funeral. I honestly thought during such terrible and sad day the close family (at the wake) would want to stick together, instead of making small talk and getting to know me. I thought my presence would have made the day even harder for them. I explained this to my girlfriend at the time, and she thought that was reasonable and said she understood. I am not perfect by any means, and hindsight is 20/20. I should have just asked her what she wanted, instead of assuming that I knew what would be best. I am an idiot, I agree. But I never did it out of lack of wanting to put effort in.

    In regards to me only being supportive when it suited me, that isn't true at all. I was in the middle of my mid year exams in medical school in the two weeks prior to her mother passing, and instead of studying, I always put her first. Instead of studying the nights before exams, I would be spending my nights cooking for her, holding her, and just letting her feel loved. I also took time off work when she was having particularly hard days, just so that she didn't have to feel so alone in regards to everything that was happening. I guess I could of done even more, at the time I honestly thought I was doing my very best.
    Even though the wake was for super close and immediate family, since your girlfriend asked you to attend the wake, you should have attended to personally and verbally offer your condolences. It has nothing to do with your feeling awkward or reluctance to attend because it's not about you, it's about the bereft. You've got it all wrong. Your presence wouldn't have made it harder on them. To the contrary, your presence would've been a comfort to them as they mourned. However, don't beat yourself up about this. You'll know better in the future.

    For now, be a good friend, back off when necessary, live in the moment, help without being intrusive, never linger and exercise discretion. It's all you can do.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by george1993
    (wow I feel so selfish writing that)
    Sometimes we need to get some stuff out in writing, so we can stand tall, in the big shoes, out in the world.

    Look, I understand this is hard—and if it's all too hard, it's all too hard. But this is not the time to be worrying about what lies ahead, or whether a woman who has told you she is grieving, in pain, and can't be in a relationship is going to be hooking up with someone who is not you. So, no, I'd keep those questions to yourself, air them out here and with friends.

    Asking her all that is like asking someone with 100 bags of groceries in their hands if they wouldn't mind also carrying the car into the garage. Straw, meet camel's back, and so forth.

    I kind of think you're risking forgetting that her mother just died. Imagine, for a moment, that your mother just died. Now imagine feeling that you could no longer be in a relationship with someone you really cared about because the waves of emotion running through you were like daggers and tsunamis. Now imagine that person telling you they'll be there, but then asking if you plan on hooking up with other girls while you grieve. Not the cutest look, you know?

    She is being vulnerable with you, open with you, reaching out and making a very mature effort to explain what is going on in her head and heart to you. That is big stuff right there. Rare stuff. That is stuff worth an hour or a week or maybe even a few months of discomfort and uncertainty to respect, and to just let that respect guide you guys to the shape you're meant to take, rather than your insecurities and pain.

    Think of your pain as a reminder of what it feels like to hurt and be confused. Then remember that the pain, hurt, and confusion she feels right now is 1000x yours. Find some comfort in that, rather than asking her to comfort you.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ What bluecastle wrote. I felt the same way following my late father's passing.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Very bad timing, very tough times. Try not to let guilt eat at you since you can't undo anything. Just be there. She will be going through a lot so perhaps is not in the best place to date/be in a new relationship. Keep in mind anger can get displaced, people can withdraw, there's no right or wrong. etc. It's a tornado of emotions that are just as unpredictable.

  8. #17
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    Thanks so much for all the input everyone. Just being able to type my thoughts out on here has helped me so much.

    I have another update: so we have kept communicating over text. She messaged me how much the flowers I got for her meant to her, she even took a photo of them and changed her phones background to a photo the flowers. She still asks me how my day's are going, and lets me know when she is having a worse day.

    Now today, she just texted me saying that she won't be able to do the dance class she had planned for us this coming monday (since he has an insanely busy few days coming up), and she said the following week would work out so much better for her. I told her I understood, but if she felt up to it, I could take her for a coffee another day that works better. She replied by saying that she is currently just overwhelmed by everything and very anxious in general, and just needs a bit of space. I haven't replied yet. I know that this weekend she is going clubbing with her girlfriends, and that next week she is catching up with lots of her other friends (she is even seeing my girl roommate for coffee "who she has only met a few times" ). So I am very confused, since if she was so overwhelmed, wouldn't she take a step back from all of those other commitments as well?? I just feel like I am the only person she can't make time for, and it hurts, because she said she wanted to be friends, but she is seeing all of her other friends.... but is ignoring me.

    Anyone have any idea what could be going on? I just feel pretty worthless being the at bottom of the barrel, when I used to mean so much to her...

  9. #18
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    Give her time, it’s hard to deal with a parents passing and everyone does it differently and honestly even if you would’ve been there at the wake and the week after it prolly wouldn’t have made a difference. She needs time to sort herself out. When my mom passed after two years of battling cancer I was in a relationship but not really “in” it so to speak and I went through a stage of not knowing what to do. Part of my routine of going and taking care of her was gone and I was at a loss.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Are you generally clingy in matters or romance? Do you generally need to feel that you are someone's major focus?

    I ask because, while I understand you've been thrown a bit of a curveball, it seems that anything that isn't about you immediately becomes a verdict on you. She liked your flowers, made them her phone's background—lovely. She's letting you know she's feeling anxious and needs a bit of space—equally lovely. Shoot her a quick, compassionate reply ("Totally understand—thinking of you") and then go about your life, respecting what she is saying and where she is at.

    You need some space too. You're anxious too. Right now you want her to cure you and soothe you, but it doesn't work that way, not even in the best of circumstances. So make some some plans with people you like to do things that you like. That is good for you, and you can't be good to her, in any capacity, if you're not good on your own too feet.

    You're going to see her again, sooner than later. If that's in nine days—well, that's in nine days. It's just nine days. A blink in the scheme of things. In between now and then check in with her plenty, understanding that any response you get from her is okay. You're not checking in to see her, or get back together, or to secretly make sure she didn't have "too much fun" out with friends—but because she is a human being you care about who is in pain.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You Know what's going on. Her mother just died. It's not all about you.
    Originally Posted by george1993
    I am the only person she can't make time for, and it hurts, because she said she wanted to be friends, but she is seeing all of her other friends.... but is ignoring me. Anyone have any idea what could be going on?

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