Non assertive Fiancé

Hi everyone. I’m new here and having this issue with my fiancé. He is a sweet kind man that would do anything for me and is very loyal. He is very passive at times and I feel like I am the one making most of the decisions. Almost all of the time, I am initiating sex and it is starting to make me feel insecure and like I am craving that aggressiveness in a man. I love him very much , but lately I have been picking at al these things he should be doing better. He told me “I am just not like that.” When I asked him to initiate sex more and come on to me in a sexual way. He WAS like that earlier in (years ago) and I told him that. He also does get more sexual when he is drinking but It’s not fair for me to have to wait until he’s had a few. He said he doesn’t believe anything has changed and he has gotten better at so many other things. He feels like I’m trying to change him. I’ve been so sad because of this but he feels like he can’t do anything right and I am bashing my head off a wall trying to explain. I. Dont know what to do because I don’t want to leave him, but I am not sexually satisfied !

Some questions: How long have you two been together? When you say he was different "earlier," are you referring to the very early days or your sex life together once things had settled down a bit? And how long have you been sexually unsatisfied? Sounds like it's been a good while if you need to go back years to remember, which makes me a bit curious why you got engaged.

Anyhow, it may simply be that you guys have different desires and appetites—that he is "not like that," as he says. From what you've written it certainly doesn't sound like he's interested in taking your concerns seriously, though I can't tell if that's stubbornness on his part or maybe connected to the way you've communicated things. Have you been judgmental? Insecure comments in the heat of the moment? Or have you tried to clearly and calmly let him know that this is a concern of yours—that you don't want things to end, that you want to get married, but that you can't see those happening if this isn't something you guys can work on together?

Thank you for your response. When I approached it the last time, I said I Hope soon we can have some quality time and sex Because I was frustrated. Then I started crying telling him I really love him and he’s a great guy but I. dont feel sexy to him. He looked like a deer in headlights and I asked him why it’s so difficult to talk about. He said he thought he was doing everything right and that I’m the most beautiful girl to him. We have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. He has never really been overly sexual but he used to initiate in the earlier days and maybe every few months now. When I initiate he doesn’t reject me. I just feel like my self esteem is plummeting and I connect with the person I’m with more when that aspect is better. I sometimes feel like there is no emotional depth and I’m looking for it in that way which also makes me insecure because I’m not getting it.

Tough call here. Eight years is a long time, and it sounds like what you are most upset by right now is a dynamic that has existed for the vast majority of those 8 years. I get the sense that you kind of suppressed your feelings and frustrations for a while, so now it's all coming out somewhat dramatically, with tears and so on.

It does sound like he heard you, expressed to you that he didn't realize you felt this way, that you're the most beautiful girl to him, but that he didn't change or make an effort to show you that he means those words. Which, you know, is okay. Sad but okay. You can't force someone to be someone they're not—not intellectually, not sexually.

I'm curious to hear more about what you mean by "no emotional depth." Do you mean in him? Or between the two of you? I'm just getting the feeling that you're kind or bored inside this relationship while he is comfortable the way things are.

You are right in terms of being bored and I have been blaming myself for a long time. Maybe it’s me or I’m not happy with myself etc. he shows me how important I am with the things he does for me on a daily basis and makes me his priority which is important. He is just not an emotionally open person. He has a hard time giving compliments and just starting a conversation about issues we are having. He grew up in a family that never even hugged each other or said I love you. I have never seen him hug his mother once in 8 years, but they have a great relationship.he tells me he loves me everyday and he did actually say I’m fine with the way things are. I. dont want to push him away and make him feel like what’s the point if I’m never happy, but it’s like I am so frustrated lately and everything bothers me now. Thank you for your input.

I can't help but feel that what you are describing is an engagement between two people who, romantically and emotionally, speak different languages. Not your fault, not his, but a very real divide that neither of you has acknowledged—because, well, doing so would be to acknowledge that you both might be better off in a relationship with someone who is not the other.

Are you still attracted to him? Is the sex good when it happens?

Anyhow, it's time to put the blaming to rest. This is not something you have done, or he has done, but something you guys do (or don't do) together. I'd let him know, calmly, lovingly, that you would like to address this together because without doing that you can't see the marriage being one that satisfies you both, as a couple. Hopefully he listens, and you can listen to each other. Listening is the hottest form of intimacy on the planet. When done well, and done together, the other stuff tends to fall into place.

And if he can't listen to him, and you can't listen to him, and you two can't listen to the precious thing that is the two of you—well, it's a lot easier to end a relationship than to be inside an unhappy marriage and end that. Operate from a place of love (of him, of yourself) rather than fear (or losing him) and you'll find the right path, whatever it ends up being.

I am still attracted to him. It makes me more attracted to him when I feel like he is turned on if that makes sense. It is good when it happens. It’s just difficult to accept that after the wedding I may not be able to look forward to that excitement that SHOULD happen on our wedding night and that he should be looking forward to as well. As in, starting our lives together and feeling open and comfortable with each other.

Can I ask how old you guys are and what kind of relationship experience you both had prior to meeting?

Sorry this is happening. He feels like you're trying to change him because you are. Read up on passive-aggressive behavior, see what fits. The more you push, the more they'll push back but in sneaky hurtful smile-in-your-face kind of ways. Reflect on why you want to marry him. Is he a heavy drinker or lazy or watching porn incessantly or cheating?

Consider therapy by yourself to determine if you want to be stuck with someone who is sexually incompatible, inert and withholds affection. Stop coming on to him, stop begging, stop fixing, nagging, putting yourself down or making him responsible for your sense of attractiveness. etc. Stop playing house and getting into a domestic drudgery rut. Plan something exciting once in a while.

Just walk away from his stonewalling. Instead go out with friends more, spend more time on your own interests, be out of the house much more. Get a part time job, volunteer. Get in shape, get new clothes, hair etc. Be mysterious and away a lot. The cycle and dynamic you're in will erode your relationship and both of you.

He is very passive at times and I feel like I am the one making most of the decisions. He feels like I’m trying to change him.

What it comes right down to is, you've expressed disappointment, he now either wants to learn how to be more assertive, or he doesn't.

He has complained that he feels you're trying to change him, well..you are. And I think many women in your position would feel the same way.

You don't want an alpha male, but you do want one who initiates and who shows more interest.

I understand it completely.

The problem comes in when he doesn't feel it's a problem or isn't interested in changing. Then you are at odds and the problem will never be resolved.

Talk about this now, sort out what can be changed and what cannot. Then decide what you can accept and cannot before you marry.

I know it's so difficult when he has everything else you want, and need. I am sorry you're going through this.

I wished there were any easier way but unfortunately, he is either going to have to want to cooperate or you will have to accept that this is who he is and it's never going to be any different.

But he is going to have to realize too that you may not want to remain with him due to this.

Good, hard advice from both Sherry and Wise.

My pocket theory is that most of us have a relationship (or a few) in which we make a major, and ultimately unreconcilable compromise, early. Maybe it’s comfort over hot sex, or intellectual swordplay over comfort, or hot sex to make up for cold everything else. Then we sadly let them go and, in the process, sharpen our compass a bit.

Some people, though, end those relationships in marriages. They are rarely the happiest of unions.

Something to consider.

I am 33 and he is 35. I had a few relationships before I met him. I am his first real long term relationship.

Since you've been together so long, how about a last ditch effort and attend couples counseling to see if any improvements happen after getting a professional to assist? If that doesn't work, IMO, you are settling if you're choosing a life of frustration. Yes, he has good traits and you love him, but he's lacking what should be must-haves for you in the romance and sex department.

When you free yourself from a non-match, it gives you the opportunity to meet someone someday who meets ALL of your main needs. Take care.

Have you approached him about this before, like sit down and talk? It doesn't sound like you have. What I'm gathering from your post is that you have been stewing in silent frustration for a long time until you couldn't hold it in anymore, then you exploded with tears and drama. Of course your partner will look like a deer in headlights and completely confused at your dramatic about face. Plus, this kind of approach doesn't lend itself to resolutions, only defensiveness and more resentments and frustrations. Your partner may well feel completely betrayed by your behavior, by all the appearance that everything is fine only to suddenly learn that nothing has ever been fine. Now you want him to instantly hear you and change. That's not reasonable.

I would suggest that you two actually sit down and talk. No tears, no drama. Just talk about things. If he is agreeable, go to couples counseling. Not just about this issue, but specifically, about how you both communicate. Bottle up and explode doesn't work very well. You both need to learn better or all your relationships will crash and burn.

I have said something to him before. It was more about the lack of initiating physical affection and wanted to spend more quality time together with just the two of us. So it is not something completely new. I mentioned not long ago how when he is done in the bedroom he just stops and has never asked me if I am satisfied. Almost like he just assumed I am. I say this because he is not selfish in other areas of our relationship so I do not take it as that.

I have said something to him before. It was more about the lack of initiating physical affection and wanted to spend more quality time together with just the two of us. So it is not something completely new. I mentioned not long ago how when he is done in the bedroom he just stops and has never asked me if I am satisfied. Almost like he just assumed I am. I say this because he is not selfish in other areas of our relationship so I do not take it as that.

So even more sounds like an issue of communication. You may think you are being clear, but message is not received or understood, so communication is not effective. It's also likely that he does need to hear some things from other people given his family/relationship background. If he was selfish or lazy in other areas of life as well, I'd say give up and run. However, in this case, it's possible that things can be worked out or improved but you might need some professional intervention of sorts. You both might find that highly helpful.

Edit: I should read all the posts before I comment.

He has never really been overly sexual but he used to initiate in the earlier days and maybe every few months now.

That's a different story. He stopped treating you like he did in the beginning, romantically, and is now lazy and taking you for granted. It's called fraud.

Cut off sex and then he'll be ready to listen to you - then explain that you need the romance and affection he offered in the beginning of the relationship.

It’s hard for me to see that he’s taking me for granted because he would drop anything for me. Always asks me if I need anything, buys me gifts all the time for no reason and tells me he loves me everyday. I just am not sure if he has issues in that area or is just not interested enough because we have been together so long. I feel bad complaining about this because he’s so good in other ways. Thanks for your comment.

This is what I would do.

Stop initiating sex (which is different from “withholding” or “punishing”) -- you’re just no longer initiating.

Do NOT complain! In fact, do not say anything about sex one way or the other, act indifferent about it, like it’s not a big deal.

Continue to enjoy him, the relationship and each other same as you always do, have fun like you always do, you’re just taking the emphasis off sex, giving him the opportunity to desire you again and initiate, as he did in the "beginning."

IMO, he’s become conditioned to your initiating and probably feels if you want it, you will initiate.

That’s the problem with always taking the initiative (about anything) your partner becomes passive, conditioned to expect it, and they become LAZY about it, similar to taking it and you for granted.

So again, to pique his desire for you sexually again, he needs to start wondering about your desire for him. Which is why you stop initiating.

Look I know it’s sort of a game, but you’ve done enough "talking," enough "complaining" and nothing has changed.

In my experience, men don't respond well to talking, (or complaining) they will tune it (and you) out; what they DO respond to is action, in this case you pulling back a bit (in this case initiating sex) and trust me, he will start wondering about it (why you’ve stopped), begin desiring you again sexually, and start initiating!

Hopefully anyway!

Why did you wait 8 years to tell him that you weren't being sexually satisfied?

OP, what are your ages? What's his health like? Maye he has low testosterone.

I should read all the replies first, lol.

My bf is similar to yours and he is the same age. He is overweight and his libido is nonexistent. He has seen a urologist for about 2 years now and has been on meds. Now we're on Weight Watchers together because his doctor firmly believes that his libido will come back with maintained meds and weight loss. We're hopeful.

I am 33 and he is 35. He doesn’t have any known health problems and is not overweight. He doesn’t really take care of himself though as far as exercise and eating right. He works hard usually 10 hour days. I know he is stressed but so am I and I am willing to try and make sure our needs are both met. I just don’t get it.

 

When I asked him to initiate sex more and come on to me in a sexual way. He WAS like that earlier in (years ago)

Sweetie, not sure if you read my earlier post, but since he was more aggressive and sexually desired you years ago, this is not about him being passive, this is about him becoming complacent in the relationship, feeling comfortable with you doing most, if not all, the "work," including making the decisions and initiating sex.

It's also about him losing his sexual desire for you (sorry).

So having said that, PLEASE do not ask him to initiate sex or come on to you in a sexual way. Asking him these things will not cause his desire for you to return or increase, in fact it will push him away further!

Why? Because those actions are not coming from his heart (which is where they should come from), rather they're coming from your having to ask him for it.

I mean do you really want him making love to you because you had to ask him to? Really? How would that be satisfying for you, knowing he was only doing it because you asked?

Wouldn't you much rather he made love to you because HE wanted to, because he had the desire to, on his own, from him heart?

Trust me, if he had the desire, he would initiate more.

You want him to initate more? Then stop giving. Stop initiating. Allow him the opportunity to miss you (sexually) and step up to the plate. Not in a withholding or punishing way.

But in a way that quietly sends him the message you'd like him to step up more, without saying a word.

All on his own, from him heart, NOT from you "badgering" him about it, which is how he views it.

It sounds very much like he's shut down emotionally.

Hi Katrina- I know what you’re saying he has gotten comfortable and I guess I’m worried if it’s like this now , what will happen when we are married with kids? Do I have to play this game every time he gets comfortable? We don’t live together yet so I have been staying home. I won’t be able to do that once we get married. I feel both people should always be trying even if they are comfortable.