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Thread: Separated after 10 years

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    There are 2 sides to every story. Even though you are humble, honest and compassionate, I'm sure you wife has attributes, too. Everyone has their good and unsavory sides.

    Find out what the therapist has to say and seek legal advice regarding your finances should you decide to divorce. It's never easy.

    You do not have to confide in your friends, however, eventually it's inevitable that they'll find out. Your true friends will not judge you and you can retain friendships with them. Divorce doesn't have the same stigma and ostracism as many decades ago. Times have changed and people, too.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What I see here is a lot of emotional blackmail to get her way.

    Break down any discussion you have ever had with her or you have witnessed her having with someone else like a family member and see what pops out at you.

    She threatens to leave or does leave if you don't cave, threatens to harm herself if she doesn't get her way, rolls her eyes and is dismissive like you don't matter and goes silent and disappears.

    This sounds like a classic "My way or the Highway" type of person you are trying to work out problems with. A total one way street and guess which way the street goes? Her way.

    Be frank and brutally honest with the therapist. Don't embellish or exaggerate and see what they see.

    Divorce is not the end of the world. Sure you will loose some stuff and money but what is your happiness and well being worth?

    Lost

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    What I see here is a lot of emotional blackmail to get her way.

    Break down any discussion you have ever had with her or you have witnessed her having with someone else like a family member and see what pops out at you.

    She threatens to leave or does leave if you don't cave, threatens to harm herself if she doesn't get her way, rolls her eyes and is dismissive like you don't matter and goes silent and disappears.

    This sounds like a classic "My way or the Highway" type of person you are trying to work out problems with. A total one way street and guess which way the street goes? Her way.

    Be frank and brutally honest with the therapist. Don't embellish or exaggerate and see what they see.

    Divorce is not the end of the world. Sure you will loose some stuff and money but what is your happiness and well being worth?

    Lost
    Thanks. I had a therapy session last night and he said the exact same thing you stated above. There are a ton of other examples, some he feels extreme (especially the harming of oneself) which are definitely emotional abuse and neglect and he wouldn't be surprised if it was borderline disorder. I only wanted a reality check at the session, was very candid, as was he. I'm going to continue weekly sessions and concentrate on myself and importantly, why I might be drawn to her.

    Outside of that, is the issue of our marriage. I know what needs to be done, but it's very difficult to take the next step. For now, I'm just remaining disengaged until I can sort stuff through, but that will not last due to a number of factors like family, friends, money, etc. Thank you all.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    DKA

    Keep silent on everything you do from now on. No revelations to your wife about what you have and are learning. This is about you figuring out what YOU are going to do so just let her believe she is winning. I am glad you will continue to see the therapist and are open to new ideas on how you got where you are now. There are nuggets of truth along your path that you have chosen to ignore because of the fight you wanted to avoid or you wanted to keep the peace at all costs until one day you looked up and realized your life was not yours any longer. Time to figure out who you are and what happened to the guy you once were.

    He is still there and once you open your eyes fully you will see what needs to be done. There is no shame in divorce, only in not trying your best to resolve the problems in the marriage. If they cannot be resolved then you are down to two options; live like you have been and accept your fate or divorce so you both can hopefully one day find happiness.

    Lost

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    DKA

    Keep silent on everything you do from now on. No revelations to your wife about what you have and are learning. This is about you figuring out what YOU are going to do so just let her believe she is winning. I am glad you will continue to see the therapist and are open to new ideas on how you got where you are now. There are nuggets of truth along your path that you have chosen to ignore because of the fight you wanted to avoid or you wanted to keep the peace at all costs until one day you looked up and realized your life was not yours any longer. Time to figure out who you are and what happened to the guy you once were.

    He is still there and once you open your eyes fully you will see what needs to be done. There is no shame in divorce, only in not trying your best to resolve the problems in the marriage. If they cannot be resolved then you are down to two options; live like you have been and accept your fate or divorce so you both can hopefully one day find happiness.

    Lost
    Thank you for the above. As an update, I've had two therapy sessions to date with another later this week. I've been trying to understand what draws me to her to the point to where I fed on the rejection over the years but also working on myself separately. It's hard to describe all that has happened in our marriage together as most people wouldn't believe some of the things, the slamming of doors, always threatening to leave, hurt herself, the dismissal of my opinions, just a general disregard of stuff I liked, cursing, the circular conversations that never had an end, badgering, etc. When we would converse, more often than not, my sentences would begin with ''That's not what I said" because she would paraphrase some thought she had as if it were my own thoughts that I had to defend.

    The hardest part right now is remaining disconnected from her. She has reached out a few times, but I haven't replied. In the past, I would have, but after I reflect on her email or text, I see that it's actually manipulation to draw me into communication. It is further complicated by mutual friends and my elderly father in law, with whom I have a great relationship.

    There is also the longing for her, the fantasy that everything will turn out okay. It's a strong emotion, usually peaking in the early morning, but every once in a while hits me in the head during the course of the day. I know from experience this is normal, but it still hurts incredibly. Txs.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by DKA
    Thanks. I had a therapy session last night and he said the exact same thing you stated above. There are a ton of other examples, some he feels extreme (especially the harming of oneself) which are definitely emotional abuse and neglect and he wouldn't be surprised if it was borderline disorder.
    This was my thought as well. Google it and look at the characteristics, and see if some of them don't fit. Then, think of your own childhood.....any similarities? Anything seem familiar?

    Originally Posted by DKA
    When we would converse, more often than not, my sentences would begin with ''That's not what I said" because she would paraphrase some thought she had as if it were my own thoughts that I had to defend.
    Ahhh....gaslighting. The best part of any healthy relationship. Kidding of course. Please also google "gaslighting". You'll surely be enlightened.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    your ducks in a row legally, financially
    Please, please, please make sure that financially and legally, you are protected. Yes, find an attorney....stat. Even if birds start chirping and angels start singing, and she becomes the kindest, sweetest woman in the world who wants a reconciliation (which unfortunately I do not think is the case), you must be protected. Start by gathering all important documents from the house; at the very least, make copies. Take pictures on your phone of any large purchased items still in the house: t.v.'s, etc. Go to the back of those items if they have serial #'s and take pics of those as well. Then, make sure you have unique passwords to all accounts to which you have access, and print out current statements. Put all of this in a folder where you can easily carry it to the attorney's office. Please.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    This was my thought as well. Google it and look at the characteristics, and see if some of them don't fit. Then, think of your own childhood.....any similarities? Anything seem familiar?



    Ahhh....gaslighting. The best part of any healthy relationship. Kidding of course. Please also google "gaslighting". You'll surely be enlightened.



    Please, please, please make sure that financially and legally, you are protected. Yes, find an attorney....stat. Even if birds start chirping and angels start singing, and she becomes the kindest, sweetest woman in the world who wants a reconciliation (which unfortunately I do not think is the case), you must be protected. Start by gathering all important documents from the house; at the very least, make copies. Take pictures on your phone of any large purchased items still in the house: t.v.'s, etc. Go to the back of those items if they have serial #'s and take pics of those as well. Then, make sure you have unique passwords to all accounts to which you have access, and print out current statements. Put all of this in a folder where you can easily carry it to the attorney's office. Please.
    Thanks. I didn't realize the effects of gaslighting, very enlightening. One of the things that stands out in my relationship is I would just say her comments weren't fair. It usually takes me time to digest information before I can reply to her and by then it's usually too late and we're on another subject. She was quick, fast witted and always kept me on the edge of my seat.

    I'm on top of the financial situation, I appreciate the advice and have an attorney that works with me at the ready. It is in my best interest to mediate when the time comes.

  9. #18
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    An update (maybe this just helps me to write it down). It's now been about a month and I have been successful in keeping our contact to a minimum and only via email, such as her asking for stuff out of the house and just replying yes, etc. We've also ironed out our finances.

    This is still very difficult and some mornings, like today, I slide backwards from acceptance and go into denial and have fantasies of reconnecting and reaching out. I cannot for my own sake. I know this is a normal process but it hurts very much.

    I've continued with therapy and have been introduced to transactional analysis, which is very interesting and helpful. I wish I had learned of it years ago. I use communication skills like TA for work naturally, but amazingly it was never present in my marriage despite my best efforts. It was impossible, every conversation revolved around emotions and rarely facts and logic.
    Thanks for listening.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. You're doing great even though it still feels awful for now. Good you are keeping contact at a minimum and you've enlisted the help of the pros to navigate through all this.
    Originally Posted by DKA
    It's now been about a month and I have been successful in keeping our contact to a minimum and only via email, such as her asking for stuff out of the house and just replying yes, etc. We've also ironed out our finances.
    I've continued with therapy and have been introduced to transactional analysis, which is very interesting and helpful.

  11. #20
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    And now Iím continuing my slide back to denial and anxiety has kicked in. In the past Iíve always reached out to try to rescue the relationship but nothing was ever resolved and have those fantasy thoughts again. I have pages of journal notes I re-read to reinforce my decision and think logical but emotions are rampant and cloud rational judgement. Why is it that we slip sometimes from what we know to be right and true? I had a really bad night .

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