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Thread: I broke my own no-contact rule and now I feel used, mad, and sad

  1. #1
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    I broke my own no-contact rule and now I feel used, mad, and sad

    Letting my thoughts out on this forum has been beneficial in so many ways, and I thank anyone who reads my posts for being a friendly stranger...

    4 weeks post-breakup... I get the text. "Hey. Could I come by for a few minutes? I want to talk and try to figure myself out. I don't want to put you in a bad situation so if you don't want to see me I completely understand." I hadn't heard from him since we split. I had heard ABOUT him through mutual people.

    Of course I let him over. I let him speak. Cry. Apologize for "ruining us" (his words). I listened to him. He said he loves me more than he realized, but he can't make me happy if he is not happy and he doesn't know what's wrong with him. I told him he knows what's wrong, but he's avoiding getting the mental help he needs for whatever his reasons are. He asked if I'm still in love with him and I told him I am, but he needs to work on himself and get some professional help if he ever wants to have a happy, healthy life of his own or with me or someone new. He said he can't see himself with someone else and the thought of me with someone else makes him sick.

    I gave him the best advise I could, tried to listen as a friend. Held him while he cried even though I was falling to pieces in my head. He was falling apart more than me, and he said things about how he has been feeling and hurting that genuinely broke my heart for him. This person I adore but can't have because he's lost in depression and needs to find himself again. I totally understand that and I'm not trying to make him feel bad about his needs and problems at all. I didn't let him see my hurt. I let it be all about him for those moments...

    After an hour, he had let it all out and I was going to ask him to leave, but I was weak and wanted to be around him. We ended up sharing a glass of wine and talking for another 2 hours. Catching up, listening to new music he discovered that he thought I'd like, laughing, and joking. Even some mild flirting. It all felt so natural and easy after the initial hard conversation. Finally, we looked at the time, well after 1 in the morning. We both had work early, so he apologized for keeping me up and he gave me a hug and I walked him out...

    Then I didn't hear from him again. It's been 3 days. I'm mad at myself for letting this meet up give me hope that maybe the door to discussions was open again. I know he said he's not in a place for a relationship because he's not happy in his own heart. I also know that once he begins therapy and/or medication to control his depression, he may realize that he doesn't want to be with me after all. Rationally, I know all that. My brain knows all that. But my heart- my heart is shredding all over again. I feel like I had a small taste of how we used to be, but it was all for his benefit and comfort. Maybe for his own closure. I don't know... I truly expected to wake up the next day to a text from him. Just some open dialogue. But nothing. I understand that he was honest during our talk, but I somehow deluded myself into thinking the visit was the start of potentially get back together... I know I am doing this to myself, he was honest after all. But when someone says they need to find happiness within himself, and then in the next breath he says he feels at home with me and these past weeks he's felt homeless without me... how am I supposed to react to that?

    I guess I'm on day 3 of the new no-contact... I kept finding myself haunting his Facebook, so I unfriended him. I laid down the law with his sister (who is my best friend) to not tell me about him, even if I ask and beg. I know I need to move forward and begin to move on. It seems like he visited only to comfort himself and his curiosity with my life, and now I feel used. I hope he got what he needed from our visit, because lord knows it effed me up all over again... It felt so good in the moment to see him. But now I took 5 massive steps back in this break up- and I don't know if I am more mad at him for reaching out- or myself for believing something might change now...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You need to block him and don't be his free therapist.

  3. #3
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    A lot of people will say "why didn't you totally block him?" Or "why did you even respond?" It's much easier to tell someone else to do these things than it is to actually do them yourself.

    You gave in because you care. I totally get that. It seems like you were together for a while. And, when you get into a pattern and then it suddenly changes, it can be extremely difficult to cope. Falling back in to that pattern in easy. And comfortable. Don't beat yourself up about that.

    The good news is that you were able to hold yourself together through his breakdown. This is a big step! Would you have been able to do that three weeks ago? He was having a very vulnerable moment and you were there as a caring friend to help him through it. But, you didn't cross any lines and you maintained your space. Good for you.

    Who knows what will happen? This is the hardest part--when you are stuck in limbo. It will get easier. Say a prayer; get up in the morning; put yourself on autopilot. You got this.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I think, in the scheme of things, you'll see this as 5 massive steps forward in healing. Breakups are hard, grief is not linear, and you are in the company of billions in the other night being part of the process. So quick: take a deep breath. Take a few. No, I'm being serious. Stop reading for a moment, close your eyes, and take some breaths.

    Okay, back? Hey there. So cut yourself some slack and accept that what happened was a moment you both sought and needed to keep moving forward—a reminder, sharp and melancholy, that these are not steps you two can take together but must be taken separately. You needed to feel what you're feeling right now, for this pain to push away the hopeful story your mind was spinning while also trying to accept the reality. You needed to see more clearly where he is, who you are alongside him and in the wake of him, and what he can offer you.

    Which, being frank, is not much. I know you're both awesome people—that awesomeness shines through in all your posts, right there with the reality of your hurt and the places where you can't connect—but this is a young man who is deeply lost and next to you feels really lost. You are, right now, a mirror to his his defections, as he defines them. In being that mirror you can't be you and he can't be him.

    And even if he weren't so lost? He is not on the same plane of emotional maturity as you are. That's not going to change in another four weeks, not with a dose of therapy or meds. It may never change. If it does? It is years off. Years.

    Reading what you wrote what I see is you having to drop down a few levels from your authentic self to meet him on his level. You're there, seeing more shades of himself than maybe he can even see, but what do you get in return? Seems he can only see a few shades of you, which makes sense. That's what happens when we drop down. We hide and edit parts of ourselves, use our duller tools instead of our sharper ones, in order to accommodate the limitations of another. In the process we become deeply frustrated and feel deeply isolated.

    My heart broke a bit when you described holding him as he cried while keeping your own hurt inside. That is a wonderful thing to be able to do, but that is a skill for parenting, not romance. It's worth asking yourself, hard as it is, if there was a trace of that dynamic even at the best of times. I suspect there was. And I wonder if in seeing that and accepting that you might, in time, find more peace in stepping forward—back into yourself and your level so, when the time is right, you can be met there.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Bluecastle and Wiseman. I think you learned some tough lessons there and in the process it was part of your healing. He is not okay, mentally or emotionally. And neither are you. Since it didn't feel good and you don't see any point to keeping in contact or feel like there's any chance at reconciliation, I don't think it's helpful either for you to continue seeing him. Take the good with the bad. The meeting him and the letting go completely together. Don't create problems for yourself thinking what you did was a problem. It's part of the whole. In the end you've done it your way and now it's time to pick up where you've left off and continue your healing. This time it involves more of you and only you.

    Go on and live openly and freely, unfettered and bogged down by regret. This relationship is over. Appreciate the good times, learn from the hard times. There's more to come. Good for you for having the strength and wherewithal to be firm with his sister on the unnecessary updates. Move forwards.

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    It is going to be okay. You are three days into healing. Keep it up.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You might find that set backs such as these catapult you to a higher place at a much quicker pace than before.
    It took you four weeks to get here. One night doesn't erase all of that.

    I often look at grief as something locked up inside you. Look at this as an opportunity to purge some more residual stuff hiding in the corners. Set back, yes. But shake it off and get back on track.

    Next time don't answer your door. He needs therapy and it's not fair for him to expect you to make him feel better.

  9. #8
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    My heart goes out to you as I’ve been in a similar situation a few years ago of being a safety/comfort blanket after my then-girlfriend broke up with me.

    I urge you to not stay in that position, it is not fair to you. While he gets his needs met (your love, caring and affection) he stays in limbo about you.. can you see this isn’t fair? Start thinking about and devoting attention to what you need, instead of him..

    Letting him keep you in limbo really messes with your head, and if you let him for too long you might end up in depression yourself.. (I lost 25 pounds in 3 months due to depression after that situation)

    I wish you strength!

  10. 07-25-2019, 02:18 AM

  11. #9
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. You need to block him and don't be his free therapist.
    That's a great way for me to think it... He needs therapy, and I'm not going to be his free therapist.

  12. #10
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    A lot of people will say "why didn't you totally block him?" Or "why did you even respond?" It's much easier to tell someone else to do these things than it is to actually do them yourself.

    You gave in because you care. I totally get that. It seems like you were together for a while. And, when you get into a pattern and then it suddenly changes, it can be extremely difficult to cope. Falling back in to that pattern in easy. And comfortable. Don't beat yourself up about that.

    The good news is that you were able to hold yourself together through his breakdown. This is a big step! Would you have been able to do that three weeks ago? He was having a very vulnerable moment and you were there as a caring friend to help him through it. But, you didn't cross any lines and you maintained your space. Good for you.

    Who knows what will happen? This is the hardest part--when you are stuck in limbo. It will get easier. Say a prayer; get up in the morning; put yourself on autopilot. You got this.
    Thank you so much for the kind words. I don't know what the future holds... Thank you for pointing out that I made it through that visit without breaking down myself. Like blucastle said, maybe it was the mom in me coming through... but you are right, I do care and maybe this wasn't a lose, just a setback. Autopilot seems like what I have going for me right now. Also started going to the gym! It's been YEARS since I stepped in a gym, and I have lost so much weight over this I'm terrified it will all come back plus some once I feel better... gonna try and make some healthier choices with food and get to the gym at least 3x per week (when work allows.. I do a lot of overtime.) Thank you for understanding that it's not so easy as to just block him all the way... although deleting from facebook was a huge, somehow scary step for me.

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