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Thread: I broke my own no-contact rule and now I feel used, mad, and sad

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about all this.

    I think, in the scheme of things, you'll see this as 5 massive steps forward in healing. Breakups are hard, grief is not linear, and you are in the company of billions in the other night being part of the process. So quick: take a deep breath. Take a few. No, I'm being serious. Stop reading for a moment, close your eyes, and take some breaths.

    Okay, back? Hey there. So cut yourself some slack and accept that what happened was a moment you both sought and needed to keep moving forward—a reminder, sharp and melancholy, that these are not steps you two can take together but must be taken separately. You needed to feel what you're feeling right now, for this pain to push away the hopeful story your mind was spinning while also trying to accept the reality. You needed to see more clearly where he is, who you are alongside him and in the wake of him, and what he can offer you.

    Which, being frank, is not much. I know you're both awesome people—that awesomeness shines through in all your posts, right there with the reality of your hurt and the places where you can't connect—but this is a young man who is deeply lost and next to you feels really lost. You are, right now, a mirror to his his defections, as he defines them. In being that mirror you can't be you and he can't be him.

    And even if he weren't so lost? He is not on the same plane of emotional maturity as you are. That's not going to change in another four weeks, not with a dose of therapy or meds. It may never change. If it does? It is years off. Years.

    Reading what you wrote what I see is you having to drop down a few levels from your authentic self to meet him on his level. You're there, seeing more shades of himself than maybe he can even see, but what do you get in return? Seems he can only see a few shades of you, which makes sense. That's what happens when we drop down. We hide and edit parts of ourselves, use our duller tools instead of our sharper ones, in order to accommodate the limitations of another. In the process we become deeply frustrated and feel deeply isolated.

    My heart broke a bit when you described holding him as he cried while keeping your own hurt inside. That is a wonderful thing to be able to do, but that is a skill for parenting, not romance. It's worth asking yourself, hard as it is, if there was a trace of that dynamic even at the best of times. I suspect there was. And I wonder if in seeing that and accepting that you might, in time, find more peace in stepping forward—back into yourself and your level so, when the time is right, you can be met there.
    I'm sorry to re-quote your entire post, but I couldn't pick just one thing to respond to. bluecastle, there's something about your responses that really, really hit home for me. I'm tearing up writing this to you because I want to say thank you. From telling me to breath (which I have done repeatedly after reading and re-reading your post), to making me face some truths I may not want to face but I need to face... It is somehow like you are 100% privy to what I'm going through. Very insightful... and your insightful-ness brings things to the forefront of my mind that I may not have thought of otherwise... I think I have been dropping a few shades down from my "authentic" self. Maybe I even felt a little lost about who I am because I had not been authentic or fair to myself. I have been trying to convince myself I was at his level when in fact, I am likely not. He really is awesome. I really do love him. But I suppose, in this instance, I need to be selfish and choose me. It's freaking hard though, and scary for some reason..

    Part of me, a big part, really, really wants to get back together. I know that can't happen right now, or maybe ever. And like you said, maybe he won't be where I am at for years... and I know I can't wait on him either. I like the imagery you created saying I am a mirror to his defections. Perhaps my presence is not the healthiest thing for him either...I think my best move now is to focus on my healing, emotionally and physically ( I have lost almost 20lbs in the last month from this stress.) And to focus on my daughter and be a better version of myself when she gets home from her summer with her dad... I think maybe I need to stay single for a while to focus on me and her. I've never admitted this out loud before, but I have always been involved with someone my ENTIRE adult life and I think it's because I'm afraid of being alone and/or unwanted... I should really focus on improving my confidence levels...

    You are very skilled at being straight-forward without making me feel bad about my actions or decisions, hard as some of your words may have been to read. . From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Thanks for the kind words, and you're very welcome.

    Some single time sounds good—some you time, some being a mom time. Your daughter is 5, I take it from your last post? That's such a great age, kind of the end of one era of childhood and the beginning of another. Take solace in the mystery of all that, to say nothing of the love—and, of course, the infinite challenges that will strengthen every cell in your body, including the hurting ones in your heart.

    Odds are a dose of that, and that only, will help you see yourself a little clearer, inhabit your own skin with a little more moxie, and maybe even shift your compass needle a few degrees when it comes to what you're attracted to and seeking in romance. As a mother of a young child, after all, you need a partner who is far more found than lost, who has grown out of those lost years a lot of us go through, not one who is just skidding into them.

    But also? No need to beat yourself up for being involved with someone your "ENTIRE" adult life. Yeah, there's some stuff to sort through in there: the confidence stuff, the fear of being alone/unwanted stuff, since some of that stuff has the potential to lead you to attach to people who may not be able to deliver the kind of support you need at this juncture in your life.

    But it's also a beautiful thing, the experiment of linking up and trying to compliment the life of another, generally speaking, and specifically, since it's your life, the path you've taken to this moment. You're 28, with a great kid, a compassionate heart, a sound mind, and an openness to seeing the world, and yourself, from new angles. In short, you have done a lot right in the strange business of being an adult. What's happening now is not a referendum on that.

    Most people, in the scheme of things, spend most of their lives in relationships of some capacity, be it hopscotching through brief entanglements, a handful of longterm relationships, a single marriage, multiple marriages, or some combination of all of the above. Along the way we lose ourselves a bit and fall off our levels, needed moments to get more found than we've been, to understand our levels. When I was younger the gap between romances was razor thin to non-existent, and that's okay; it's what I needed then, what worked. As I got older—I'm 39—I took more time to myself; it's what I needed, what worked. It's still a work in progress, as everything is.

    Those deep breaths: don't forget them.

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