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Thread: He is going away

  1. #1
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    He is going away

    Greetings to all,
    I am (38) and with my boyfriend (45) for 10 months. Last two months were not too good. We had petty fights that made us both question this relationship. We decided to work on it.
    I just found out that his company sends him for 3 weeks to another city (3 hours away) but he will be returning for the weekends. I am not as social as he is. He is mr charming and loves socialise. I am really worried that he will meet someone while away, especially that things were not good recently. I am already obsessing he may meet someone at the hotel while having a post work drink at the bar or simply in the office - where he will be working. There are young , gorgeous women working there.
    What else is there to do if not meeting new people while in a new city??
    I trust him but things can happen and as I said & he is one of these over friendly type of men.
    Do I speak to him about my concerns or do I ask him when he returns if he met someone ? I was thinking to tell him that if he felt tempted to exchange contact details with someone, than he should end things with me first. I would not be able to stand if he would like someone more and started to get to know someone; text, email and sneak behind my back.
    perhaps he has no intention to do that but I cant shake this off. I am insecure so much because he is more attractive than I am and like I mentioned, recently things were really tough. The innocence of this relationship is gone.
    I am planning to make myself busy but I am very worried. Please be gentle

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Were you cheated on before? It's only been a few mos and already there are signs of trouble. You do not trust him. You can talk to him about your insecurities and lack of trust but if he's a ladies man and cheats he's not going to disclose this. The best thing you can do is end it or discuss being in an open or nonexclusive relationship .
    Originally Posted by mela200
    I am really worried that he will meet someone while away, especially that things were not good recently. I am already obsessing he may meet someone at the hotel while having a post work drink at the bar or simply in the office - where he will be working. There are young , gorgeous women working there.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by mela200
    Greetings to all,
    I am (38) and with my boyfriend (45) for 10 months. Last two months were not too good. We had petty fights that made us both question this relationship. We decided to work on it.
    I just found out that his company sends him for 3 weeks to another city (3 hours away) but he will be returning for the weekends. I am not as social as he is. He is mr charming and loves socialise. I am really worried that he will meet someone while away, especially that things were not good recently. I am already obsessing he may meet someone at the hotel while having a post work drink at the bar or simply in the office - where he will be working. There are young , gorgeous women working there.
    What else is there to do if not meeting new people while in a new city??
    I trust him but things can happen and as I said & he is one of these over friendly type of men.
    Do I speak to him about my concerns or do I ask him when he returns if he met someone ? I was thinking to tell him that if he felt tempted to exchange contact details with someone, than he should end things with me first. I would not be able to stand if he would like someone more and started to get to know someone; text, email and sneak behind my back.
    perhaps he has no intention to do that but I cant shake this off. I am insecure so much because he is more attractive than I am and like I mentioned, recently things were really tough. The innocence of this relationship is gone.
    I am planning to make myself busy but I am very worried. Please be gentle
    You clearly think very poorly of him so why are you with him?
    You actually think he will cheat because a “gorgeous” looking woman is sitting next to him???
    If you believe that to be true , why be with him?
    Do you not give him any credibility in his choice to be with you? There were gorgeous looking women before you , while dating you and always will be!

    These women are “gorgeous” in your low self esteem eyes.
    Why can’t you trust his eyes and judgement even if you can’t trust your own?

    If he was likely to cheat (which I doubt) he will do it regardless of what you say but moreso because of what you say.

    If someone cheats on you , you deal with it then.
    But to warn someone from cheating and suggest the consequence of that is just warped jealousy and seriously unfair on him.
    If you do that or ask questions after the 3 weeks , you will come across as unattractive. At the moment you are attractive to him. Why jeopardise that??

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You clearly dont trust him so why are you with him? You are giving him no credit to behave himself when he is gone. If he cant go away for 3 wks for work, without you thinking the worst, then you really need to find another guy who wont have to travel for his job. You need to do serious work on your lack of your self esteem.

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  6. #5
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    You don't seem to trust him, did he cheat on you before? Are you sure you want to be with this man if you are worried this much?

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, if you are having that much trouble at the ten month mark - many people are still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship at this point.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What were your petty fights about? Why do you feel he is capable of cheating? He's 45 years old. In his past relationship history, did he admit to this, or not?

    I'm trying to gauge whether his history suggests this, or it's your poor self esteem that's making you paranoid.

    Confidence is the biggest attractor to a man. If you exude self loathing, that'll spell the end of a relationship more than just about anything. If you can't love yourself, he'll start wondering what's wrong with you when you're waving a red flag in his face.

    There are very attractive people with ugly or bland personalities that lower their attractiveness.

    There are other people who are average looking but their personalities are so dynamic that everyone is scrambling to be with that person.

    I'm surprised you haven't learned this by this point in your life. You should have the mindset, "I'm a special person and must be treated as such for you to keep me in your life. If not, I'll walk away and be okay." Work on yourself to get to that point of healthy self esteem.

    And don't assume the worst of a person because you wouldn't want someone doing the same to you. A person is innocent until proven guilty. Secrets don't stay hidden for long. If he was a cheater, you'd eventually find out, and it would be hurtful but you would survive and move on. I'm assuming you discussed relationship boundaries when you became exclusive, so what further communication is needed?

    If you're not comfortable with a Mr. Charming type, free him to be with a woman who accepts him "as is."

  9. #8
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    Paranoia is not becoming. At all. You've got to let that go. Otherwise, he will meet another woman!

    You are 38. It is time to find your stride and confidence. Don't give him a reason to want to be with anyone else!

  10. #9
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    It was lovely to log in and see so many responses. Thank you all.
    He was in long term relationship for 15 years. They ended 4 years ago. He admitted they cheated on each other at the end of their relationship.
    This is the first time he will travel since we are together and makes me wonder what he will be doing once he will be done at work i.e. after 5pm. Looking for a new company?
    I don't want to bombard him with calls.
    You all are very right. The more I will be worried about it- the more likely I will have a reason to do so.
    I guess speaking about it with him it is not a good idea or strategy to prevent him meeting someone new.
    He has not told me yet he loves me. This makes me more and more anxious. Between lines also he said he wants to take one day at time (in regards to us) so I am not sure how to bite this. I am not sure either if at this stage I would like to be with him forever so I guess it is fair that he feels unsure. Woman would like to hear that her man is sure ...but I appreciate his honesty.

    He did not give me a reason not to trust him once. To my knowledge I never been cheated on in the past so I have no idea why I am worried he will meet someone else while away. My friend said he doesn't need to be away to meet someone and yes, I forgot about it that he can meet someone at any time really.

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    So what is the best way to handle this ? Do I wish him a good time and hope for the best? What a confident and a perfectly secure woman would do in a such circumstances ?
    Especially that we did not fully recover form our recent bad two months?

    I thought we will use the next few weeks to make things better but we will be apart now. It was quite sudden last minute project he was given.
    Normally we speak 2-3 times a week and spend 2-3 weekends together. Maybe not full weekends as we both seeing friends, family etc

    I don't know why I am so terrified about him going.

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