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Greetings to all,

I am (38) and with my boyfriend (45) for 10 months. Last two months were not too good. We had petty fights that made us both question this relationship. We decided to work on it.

I just found out that his company sends him for 3 weeks to another city (3 hours away) but he will be returning for the weekends. I am not as social as he is. He is mr charming and loves socialise. I am really worried that he will meet someone while away, especially that things were not good recently. I am already obsessing he may meet someone at the hotel while having a post work drink at the bar or simply in the office - where he will be working. There are young , gorgeous women working there.

What else is there to do if not meeting new people while in a new city??

I trust him but things can happen and as I said & he is one of these over friendly type of men.

Do I speak to him about my concerns or do I ask him when he returns if he met someone ? I was thinking to tell him that if he felt tempted to exchange contact details with someone, than he should end things with me first. I would not be able to stand if he would like someone more and started to get to know someone; text, email and sneak behind my back.

perhaps he has no intention to do that but I cant shake this off. I am insecure so much because he is more attractive than I am and like I mentioned, recently things were really tough. The innocence of this relationship is gone.

I am planning to make myself busy but I am very worried. Please be gentle

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Sorry this is happening. Were you cheated on before? It's only been a few mos and already there are signs of trouble. You do not trust him. You can talk to him about your insecurities and lack of trust but if he's a ladies man and cheats he's not going to disclose this. The best thing you can do is end it or discuss being in an open or nonexclusive relationship .

I am really worried that he will meet someone while away, especially that things were not good recently. I am already obsessing he may meet someone at the hotel while having a post work drink at the bar or simply in the office - where he will be working. There are young , gorgeous women working there.

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Greetings to all,

I am (38) and with my boyfriend (45) for 10 months. Last two months were not too good. We had petty fights that made us both question this relationship. We decided to work on it.

I just found out that his company sends him for 3 weeks to another city (3 hours away) but he will be returning for the weekends. I am not as social as he is. He is mr charming and loves socialise. I am really worried that he will meet someone while away, especially that things were not good recently. I am already obsessing he may meet someone at the hotel while having a post work drink at the bar or simply in the office - where he will be working. There are young , gorgeous women working there.

What else is there to do if not meeting new people while in a new city??

I trust him but things can happen and as I said & he is one of these over friendly type of men.

Do I speak to him about my concerns or do I ask him when he returns if he met someone ? I was thinking to tell him that if he felt tempted to exchange contact details with someone, than he should end things with me first. I would not be able to stand if he would like someone more and started to get to know someone; text, email and sneak behind my back.

perhaps he has no intention to do that but I cant shake this off. I am insecure so much because he is more attractive than I am and like I mentioned, recently things were really tough. The innocence of this relationship is gone.

I am planning to make myself busy but I am very worried. Please be gentle

 

You clearly think very poorly of him so why are you with him?

You actually think he will cheat because a “gorgeous” looking woman is sitting next to him???

If you believe that to be true , why be with him?

Do you not give him any credibility in his choice to be with you? There were gorgeous looking women before you , while dating you and always will be!

 

These women are “gorgeous” in your low self esteem eyes.

Why can’t you trust his eyes and judgement even if you can’t trust your own?

 

If he was likely to cheat (which I doubt) he will do it regardless of what you say but moreso because of what you say.

 

If someone cheats on you , you deal with it then.

But to warn someone from cheating and suggest the consequence of that is just warped jealousy and seriously unfair on him.

If you do that or ask questions after the 3 weeks , you will come across as unattractive. At the moment you are attractive to him. Why jeopardise that??

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You clearly dont trust him so why are you with him? You are giving him no credit to behave himself when he is gone. If he cant go away for 3 wks for work, without you thinking the worst, then you really need to find another guy who wont have to travel for his job. You need to do serious work on your lack of your self esteem.

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What were your petty fights about? Why do you feel he is capable of cheating? He's 45 years old. In his past relationship history, did he admit to this, or not?

 

I'm trying to gauge whether his history suggests this, or it's your poor self esteem that's making you paranoid.

 

Confidence is the biggest attractor to a man. If you exude self loathing, that'll spell the end of a relationship more than just about anything. If you can't love yourself, he'll start wondering what's wrong with you when you're waving a red flag in his face.

 

There are very attractive people with ugly or bland personalities that lower their attractiveness.

 

There are other people who are average looking but their personalities are so dynamic that everyone is scrambling to be with that person.

 

I'm surprised you haven't learned this by this point in your life. You should have the mindset, "I'm a special person and must be treated as such for you to keep me in your life. If not, I'll walk away and be okay." Work on yourself to get to that point of healthy self esteem.

 

And don't assume the worst of a person because you wouldn't want someone doing the same to you. A person is innocent until proven guilty. Secrets don't stay hidden for long. If he was a cheater, you'd eventually find out, and it would be hurtful but you would survive and move on. I'm assuming you discussed relationship boundaries when you became exclusive, so what further communication is needed?

 

If you're not comfortable with a Mr. Charming type, free him to be with a woman who accepts him "as is."

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It was lovely to log in and see so many responses. Thank you all.

He was in long term relationship for 15 years. They ended 4 years ago. He admitted they cheated on each other at the end of their relationship.

This is the first time he will travel since we are together and makes me wonder what he will be doing once he will be done at work i.e. after 5pm. Looking for a new company?

I don't want to bombard him with calls.

You all are very right. The more I will be worried about it- the more likely I will have a reason to do so.

I guess speaking about it with him it is not a good idea or strategy to prevent him meeting someone new.

He has not told me yet he loves me. This makes me more and more anxious. Between lines also he said he wants to take one day at time (in regards to us) so I am not sure how to bite this. I am not sure either if at this stage I would like to be with him forever so I guess it is fair that he feels unsure. Woman would like to hear that her man is sure ...but I appreciate his honesty.

 

He did not give me a reason not to trust him once. To my knowledge I never been cheated on in the past so I have no idea why I am worried he will meet someone else while away. My friend said he doesn't need to be away to meet someone and yes, I forgot about it that he can meet someone at any time really.

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So what is the best way to handle this ? Do I wish him a good time and hope for the best? What a confident and a perfectly secure woman would do in a such circumstances ?

Especially that we did not fully recover form our recent bad two months?

 

I thought we will use the next few weeks to make things better but we will be apart now. It was quite sudden last minute project he was given.

Normally we speak 2-3 times a week and spend 2-3 weekends together. Maybe not full weekends as we both seeing friends, family etc

 

I don't know why I am so terrified about him going.

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So what is the best way to handle this ? Do I wish him a good time and hope for the best? What a confident and a perfectly secure woman would do in a such circumstances ?

Especially that we did not fully recover form our recent bad two months?

 

I thought we will use the next few weeks to make things better but we will be apart now. It was quite sudden last minute project he was given.

Normally we speak 2-3 times a week and spend 2-3 weekends together. Maybe not full weekends as we both seeing friends, family etc

 

I don't know why I am so terrified about him going.

 

You use the time that you will be apart to recover from the last few months. Let yourself be refreshed so that when he returns, you can be excited to see him and really have quality interactions. Communicate as much or as little as you normally would and be sure to keep things normal: don't question his whereabouts or ask if he has met any new women. Let him know that you are confident in the relationship and trust him. This will speak volumes!

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It sounds like you're "terrified" about him going for a few reasons. I think somewhere in your gut you're questioning whether this is a good relationship to be in and whether he is as invested as you are. Makes sense. You've been together 10 months, he's not expressing love, and the last two months have been bad.

 

But because you are insecure, and perhaps frightened of losing him, you see all that through a warped lens. Rather than ask the big, hard question of whether or not you are compatible—whether being in this relationship serves you, as you need to be served, and makes you feel like the unique and magnificent person you are—you're wondering what is wrong with you and whether he will find someone better. If you have "eyes" on him you at least know he's not with someone else, so the idea of not having those "eyes" on him is petrifying.

 

I don't know you, don't know him, don't know how things have been. But what I do feel confident in "knowing" is that a relationship in which you feel insecure and unattractive next to your partner is not a healthy relationship. A relationship in which you think of your partner as a god and yourself as a "mere mortal" is not a healthy relationship.

 

By the sounds of it, perhaps even before these two tough months, the dynamic was unhealthy, with you viewing him "up there" and yourself "down here." When he sprinkles is magic dust your way—with affection, a nice date—you float to the moon, soothed; when the magic dust goes away, your knees buckle and you don't like the person you see in the mirror. Now the magic dust is going away for a longer period than you've know, and you're preemptively buckling.

 

So, how to deal with this moment? Well, it's tough. A confident person wishes him well and has a good time herself. That "good time" can be spent smelling flowers, water-skiing, or giving herself some quiet time to think clearly about the relationship she is in, for her own head and heart, rather than thinking about what he may or may not be doing once 5pm rolls around.

 

But can you actually do that? Confidence is not a mask or a performance. It's a real state of being, and I can't help but feel that this relationship is more confidence-depleting than confidence-supporting, for you. Maybe find some genuine confidence, while he's away, in allowing yourself to ask what is the point of being in a relationship if you can't go five days without seeing someone without losing your mind?

 

I'm sure he's a good guy, with his good qualities. But do you think, genuinely, that he is a good guy for you?

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Being worried i think is normal when we dont want to loose someone we really care about and someone that means alot to us because of how they have now become an important part of our lives.In that you guys are in this relationship together after all and if something is weighing you down and affecting you in a big way is it not best to go through it with the person you are in the relationship.Sure all of us can say what we want and give our opnions about your relationship and what you should do about it .

 

When we enter a relationship ofcourse they are things that will affect us that we cant deal with on our own especially if its about the relationship cause at the end of the day its the two people in the relationship and i see it fit that the best person to communicate about the troubles is the person you with and try really being open about it to try and solve the problem together even though it might be hard in some cases .

 

To ease your mind you need an answer from him whatever it might be if its good then you will worry less and if its bad then you deal with it instead of having doubts and what if with you.

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After 10 mos, this is more disconcerting than him going on a business trip. Do not invest emotionally in anyone who treats you as a casual option.

He has not told me yet he loves me.

 

Between lines also he said he wants to take one day at time

 

I caught this too.

Here is where the rubber meets the road. You've had a few bumps along the way and timing of him leaving when things aren't solid makes you uneasy. Unfortunately you are spinning about how to prevent things from going sideways and as much as you don't want to hear this, there isn't anything you can do about it. There are no magic words.

 

You just use this time between now and the time he leaves to make the best of it. People gravitate towards pleasure and move away from pain. It's just that simple.

 

You get busy with your life while he's gone. This is a perfect opportunity for you to get your balance back and at the same time this will be a test of this already fragile relationship.

 

Try to look at it as this - you'd rather know now, than later. You only have 10 months invested.

You will soon see what this relationship is made of.

 

I don't mean to minimize your discomfort, but more so get you to recognize that other than being your best self, there isn't anything you can do to prevent him from wandering. He will wander if he chooses too. That's important information to know.

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He did not tell me he loves me but most of the time I feel he has feelings for me. I know he likes to take it slow and refrain from any pressure...

Before he left we spent the whole weekend together. It was fantastic. I thought we needed to spend some good time together. He was the one who started a conversation about us. We spoke openly and honestly. We had fun and laughter. It was a good weekend.

He left for work on Monday. I called him while he was on the way there. He called in the evening and I called the next day too. I do not think he feels any need to contact me more than usual. I somehow do because he is away.

He told me tasks at work are exhausting and once he is in a hotel he just wants to rest. He was a bit plain-ish but perhaps because he was tired.

I am not sure if I should leave him to it ...call him less or not. Am I overthinking ? If I would be away, I would probably miss my partner more and wanted to chat more. He somehow de-attaches.

He mentioned we will meet on Saturday ( and me thinking -"why not Friday?").

 

I am asking myself - would I feel more secure if he said he loved me ? I think so....

we do have plans for holiday in September, weekend away in October and November. We are also going away for Christmas (his idea) so I guess this indicates things are going into the right direction.

 

Not sure how to handle the other two weeks while he is away.

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