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Thread: He is going away

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by mela200
    So what is the best way to handle this ? Do I wish him a good time and hope for the best? What a confident and a perfectly secure woman would do in a such circumstances ?
    Especially that we did not fully recover form our recent bad two months?

    I thought we will use the next few weeks to make things better but we will be apart now. It was quite sudden last minute project he was given.
    Normally we speak 2-3 times a week and spend 2-3 weekends together. Maybe not full weekends as we both seeing friends, family etc

    I don't know why I am so terrified about him going.
    You use the time that you will be apart to recover from the last few months. Let yourself be refreshed so that when he returns, you can be excited to see him and really have quality interactions. Communicate as much or as little as you normally would and be sure to keep things normal: don't question his whereabouts or ask if he has met any new women. Let him know that you are confident in the relationship and trust him. This will speak volumes!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're "terrified" about him going for a few reasons. I think somewhere in your gut you're questioning whether this is a good relationship to be in and whether he is as invested as you are. Makes sense. You've been together 10 months, he's not expressing love, and the last two months have been bad.

    But because you are insecure, and perhaps frightened of losing him, you see all that through a warped lens. Rather than ask the big, hard question of whether or not you are compatible—whether being in this relationship serves you, as you need to be served, and makes you feel like the unique and magnificent person you are—you're wondering what is wrong with you and whether he will find someone better. If you have "eyes" on him you at least know he's not with someone else, so the idea of not having those "eyes" on him is petrifying.

    I don't know you, don't know him, don't know how things have been. But what I do feel confident in "knowing" is that a relationship in which you feel insecure and unattractive next to your partner is not a healthy relationship. A relationship in which you think of your partner as a god and yourself as a "mere mortal" is not a healthy relationship.

    By the sounds of it, perhaps even before these two tough months, the dynamic was unhealthy, with you viewing him "up there" and yourself "down here." When he sprinkles is magic dust your way—with affection, a nice date—you float to the moon, soothed; when the magic dust goes away, your knees buckle and you don't like the person you see in the mirror. Now the magic dust is going away for a longer period than you've know, and you're preemptively buckling.

    So, how to deal with this moment? Well, it's tough. A confident person wishes him well and has a good time herself. That "good time" can be spent smelling flowers, water-skiing, or giving herself some quiet time to think clearly about the relationship she is in, for her own head and heart, rather than thinking about what he may or may not be doing once 5pm rolls around.

    But can you actually do that? Confidence is not a mask or a performance. It's a real state of being, and I can't help but feel that this relationship is more confidence-depleting than confidence-supporting, for you. Maybe find some genuine confidence, while he's away, in allowing yourself to ask what is the point of being in a relationship if you can't go five days without seeing someone without losing your mind?

    I'm sure he's a good guy, with his good qualities. But do you think, genuinely, that he is a good guy for you?

  3. #13
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    Being worried i think is normal when we dont want to loose someone we really care about and someone that means alot to us because of how they have now become an important part of our lives.In that you guys are in this relationship together after all and if something is weighing you down and affecting you in a big way is it not best to go through it with the person you are in the relationship.Sure all of us can say what we want and give our opnions about your relationship and what you should do about it .

    When we enter a relationship ofcourse they are things that will affect us that we cant deal with on our own especially if its about the relationship cause at the end of the day its the two people in the relationship and i see it fit that the best person to communicate about the troubles is the person you with and try really being open about it to try and solve the problem together even though it might be hard in some cases .

    To ease your mind you need an answer from him whatever it might be if its good then you will worry less and if its bad then you deal with it instead of having doubts and what if with you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    After 10 mos, this is more disconcerting than him going on a business trip. Do not invest emotionally in anyone who treats you as a casual option.
    Originally Posted by mela200
    He has not told me yet he loves me.

    Between lines also he said he wants to take one day at time

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    After 10 mos, this is more disconcerting than him going on a business trip. Do not invest emotionally in anyone who treats you as a casual option.
    He has not told me yet he loves me.

    Between lines also he said he wants to take one day at time


    I caught this too.
    Here is where the rubber meets the road. You've had a few bumps along the way and timing of him leaving when things aren't solid makes you uneasy. Unfortunately you are spinning about how to prevent things from going sideways and as much as you don't want to hear this, there isn't anything you can do about it. There are no magic words.

    You just use this time between now and the time he leaves to make the best of it. People gravitate towards pleasure and move away from pain. It's just that simple.

    You get busy with your life while he's gone. This is a perfect opportunity for you to get your balance back and at the same time this will be a test of this already fragile relationship.

    Try to look at it as this - you'd rather know now, than later. You only have 10 months invested.
    You will soon see what this relationship is made of.

    I don't mean to minimize your discomfort, but more so get you to recognize that other than being your best self, there isn't anything you can do to prevent him from wandering. He will wander if he chooses too. That's important information to know.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 07-24-2019 at 03:58 PM.

  7. #16
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    He did not tell me he loves me but most of the time I feel he has feelings for me. I know he likes to take it slow and refrain from any pressure...
    Before he left we spent the whole weekend together. It was fantastic. I thought we needed to spend some good time together. He was the one who started a conversation about us. We spoke openly and honestly. We had fun and laughter. It was a good weekend.
    He left for work on Monday. I called him while he was on the way there. He called in the evening and I called the next day too. I do not think he feels any need to contact me more than usual. I somehow do because he is away.
    He told me tasks at work are exhausting and once he is in a hotel he just wants to rest. He was a bit plain-ish but perhaps because he was tired.
    I am not sure if I should leave him to it ...call him less or not. Am I overthinking ? If I would be away, I would probably miss my partner more and wanted to chat more. He somehow de-attaches.
    He mentioned we will meet on Saturday ( and me thinking -"why not Friday?").

    I am asking myself - would I feel more secure if he said he loved me ? I think so....
    we do have plans for holiday in September, weekend away in October and November. We are also going away for Christmas (his idea) so I guess this indicates things are going into the right direction.

    Not sure how to handle the other two weeks while he is away.

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