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Thread: Am I a lesbian?

  1. #1
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    Am I a lesbian?

    Hi everyone. My name is Lucy, Iím 25, female and live in the UK.

    To put this into context, I was in a five-year relationship with a guy from the age of 18 to 23. We split up after wanting different things (I wanted us to move in together, he didnít, and a couple of other differences).

    Since we split up, Iíve dated several guys (not at the same time). Two of them I met at work and another two I met on a dating app. However, each time Iíve been on dates, something hasnít felt quite right. Iíve enjoyed dating them (the longest period of dating with one of them was three months so it was getting a little more serious) and I like the excitement of dating, but I donít fancy them. I donít feel attracted to them and definitely donít feel any sort of spark. Therefore, Iíve realised that I donít think I fancy hardly any guys whatsoever. I just donít feel a connection or attraction to any of them.

    More recently, while I definitely donít fancy any of my female friends (I have a few different groups of girl-friends that I love spending time with and care about a lot because weíve been friends for 15+ years), I have noticed that I have found one or two women attractive. One I was introduced to by a family friend at a yoga event a few months back, and I thought she was so ambitious, interesting, attractive and kind. The other woman I went to school with many years ago and I have recently started chatting with online again. Again, I'm attracted to her looks but also her interests and caring nature.

    Just this week, I changed my dating app settings from Ďshow me guysí to Ďshow me womení. I donít feel uncomfortable about it, and Iím enjoying looking through them.

    Iím kind of wondering if Iím a lesbian or maybe bi. Iíve been thinking a lot about it over the past couple of months. I never really had the chance to consider it while I was in the five-year relationship, but now Iím evaluating what I want from a life partner, I feel like Iím almost Ďmore suitedí to a female partner.

    Iíd love to hear your stories, kind thoughts and advice on my situation. Did you realise you were gay in your twenties? Should I go on a date with a girl to properly find out how I feel? How did you know you were bi/gay? Could I be on the 'spectrum' somewhere between straight and gay?

    Thanks everyone!
    Lucy Lou x

  2. #2
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    . Two of them I met at work and another two I met on a dating app. However, each time Iíve been on dates, something hasnít felt quite right. Iíve enjoyed dating them (the longest period of dating with one of them was three months so it was getting a little more serious) and I like the excitement of dating, but I donít fancy them. I donít feel attracted to them and definitely donít feel any sort of spark. Therefore, Iíve realised that I donít think I fancy hardly any guys whatsoever. I just donít feel a connection or attraction to any of them.

    If you don't feel a spark with a guy - it means you don't feel a spark with THAT guy or you have not gotten over your ex. I know i went through a period of not finding anyone who excited me at all.

  3. #3
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    You could be bi, or maybe you are not meeting the right guys.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hey Lucy!

    My general, gut, non-expert diagnosis on your situation is that you sound really awesome. That might be the best label to lean into at this juncture, as you explore the details, since it's the most important.

    Going on a few dates with a few people and not feeling that pheromonal juju doesn't mean you're not interested in "any guys whatsoever." Maybe just those men. Similarly, finding women attractive or being curious about women doesn't mean anything more than just that. So explore that, is how I see it. No need to slam one door shut to kick another open. Go on a date (or two, or ten) with a womanóto see how you feel in that specific scenario, with that person, rather than to make it a full-on verdict of your sexuality.

    The big answers are best discovered through small steps, or at least that's how I see things.

    I think human sexuality is pretty fluid, that we all fall somewhere on a "spectrum" and that where we fall can change over time and be changed by people. I say this as someone who is, by most conventional definitions, a very straight male. Women make my cheeks burn, men do not, and that's been the case for 39 years. I can appreciate male beauty from a number of angles, to the point where I can hang with my gay best friend and very much understand his "lust" after the hotties he swipes through or is seeing. Probably some super macho type of dude would raise an eyebrow at that (though I'd say that raised eyebrow would be his being a few more clicks toward gay on the spectrum than me).

    Some stories you might enjoy:

    A good friend of mine, female, recently married a woman. She's 42, her partner is 31. In a vacuum they both identify as more straight than anything else, had never had relationships with women, but they stirred the right waters in each other and are now wife and wife. One of my ex-gf's dated some women after me, and last I heard had been living with a man for over a year. I don't think she identifies as straight, gay, or bióbut just as, well, herself, an awesome woman. A friend of mine has her apps set to both men and women, leaning more toward men but open to women. She's dabbled there, with pleasure, is open to it. She recently had thing with a guy who had been with a guy or two in his life, but leans toward women and didn't really see himself as "bi."

    Humanity! It's a trip. Sounds like you're open to exploring your own in some new ways. All good. The answers will likely come from the exploration far more than anything us humble internet strangers can offer.

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  6. #5
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    Lucy, to put it very simply, do you think about these women sexually?

    If not, no you are not a lesbian -- if you do, you may be a lesbian or bisexual.

    There are many women I find very attractive and admire, a few I have become friends with, and enjoy spending time with, but I don't think about any of them sexually.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-23-2019 at 04:42 PM.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Lucy, to put it very simply, do you think about these women sexually?

    If not, no you are not a lesbian -- if you do, you may be a lesbian or bisexual.

    There are many women I find very attractive and admire, a few I have become friends with, and enjoy spending time with, but I don't think about any of them sexually.
    Excellent point. To me, the way you describe it, it sounds like you crave female friendships. Craving actual sex with a woman would probably be the big difference.

  8. #7
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    You know that ďspectrumĒ bluecastle is talking about? Itís a thing. Itís called the Kinsey scale. Most people are not 100% straight or 100% gay. Itís a sliding scale.

    Google it :) It may help you feel better.

    I donít think you have to ďdefineĒ yourself or anything right now. You can explore as you see fit and ďdefineĒ yourself later once you know yourself more.

    Yolo! Lol! I wouldnít worry about societyís pre-defined ďboxesĒ. You can just be you.

  9. #8
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    It's 2019, why do you have to slap yourself with a label? The world is so open with sexual identity and openness, why does it matter? Why not just live life freely without having to make that decision officially? Humans are very confused creatures anyway. I've known way too many people who were confused that decided they were gay, only for a few months/years down the road they somehow become "straight" again. Smh.
    From the sounds of it, you might be a little curious which is totally okay and normal. There is absolutely no harm in experimenting and seeing if that's what you like.

    This is what a female friend told me if you want to get an idea: watch about 20 minutes of lesbian porn. If you are sexually aroused and intrigued, then you are definitely bi-curious/bisexual. If you get turned off or are weirded out by it instead, then there is your answer. I don't think you're a lesbian though, because lesbians are NOT turned on or interested in men at all other than friends. They don't look at them sexually, they don't think about them sexually. They strictly think about women only and sleep with women only, which isn't your case.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    So I completely understand everything you've written here and much of it I have gone through myself. First thing I wand you to do is look up the term demisexual because you may find it helpful.

    Demisexuals have difficulty feeling sexual attraction to someone unless they know that person inside and out. Many of us feel like we don't 'fit' in the dating world as what comes naturally for others (feeling sexual attraction to people you don't know very well) just doesn't come for us.

    As others have said you don't need to jump into a label right away. Sexual identify is a process and you may go through a few things before you find out what suits you. I can't tell you if you are straight, gay or somewhere in between but what I can tell you is that you sound a lot like I did.

    I identify as demisexual and bisexual although recently I've been leaning into identifying as pansexual (basically means hearts not parts is what attracts me). I'm married to a man but have also been involved with women and like you, my attraction to women grew out of friendships (hence the demisexual nature).

    The fact that I'm in my late 30s, married and still feel that my 'label' could shift should tell you that it's OK to move through different labels until you find the one that you feel comfortable with or no label at all if that floats your boat. Good luck.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Could be. But some women are not ready to fall in love until they are 26 to 27.

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