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Hi everyone. My name is Lucy, I’m 25, female and live in the UK.

 

To put this into context, I was in a five-year relationship with a guy from the age of 18 to 23. We split up after wanting different things (I wanted us to move in together, he didn’t, and a couple of other differences).

 

Since we split up, I’ve dated several guys (not at the same time). Two of them I met at work and another two I met on a dating app. However, each time I’ve been on dates, something hasn’t felt quite right. I’ve enjoyed dating them (the longest period of dating with one of them was three months so it was getting a little more serious) and I like the excitement of dating, but I don’t fancy them. I don’t feel attracted to them and definitely don’t feel any sort of spark. Therefore, I’ve realised that I don’t think I fancy hardly any guys whatsoever. I just don’t feel a connection or attraction to any of them.

 

More recently, while I definitely don’t fancy any of my female friends (I have a few different groups of girl-friends that I love spending time with and care about a lot because we’ve been friends for 15+ years), I have noticed that I have found one or two women attractive. One I was introduced to by a family friend at a yoga event a few months back, and I thought she was so ambitious, interesting, attractive and kind. The other woman I went to school with many years ago and I have recently started chatting with online again. Again, I'm attracted to her looks but also her interests and caring nature.

 

Just this week, I changed my dating app settings from ‘show me guys’ to ‘show me women’. I don’t feel uncomfortable about it, and I’m enjoying looking through them.

 

I’m kind of wondering if I’m a lesbian or maybe bi. I’ve been thinking a lot about it over the past couple of months. I never really had the chance to consider it while I was in the five-year relationship, but now I’m evaluating what I want from a life partner, I feel like I’m almost ‘more suited’ to a female partner.

 

I’d love to hear your stories, kind thoughts and advice on my situation. Did you realise you were gay in your twenties? Should I go on a date with a girl to properly find out how I feel? How did you know you were bi/gay? Could I be on the 'spectrum' somewhere between straight and gay?

 

Thanks everyone!

Lucy Lou x

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. Two of them I met at work and another two I met on a dating app. However, each time I’ve been on dates, something hasn’t felt quite right. I’ve enjoyed dating them (the longest period of dating with one of them was three months so it was getting a little more serious) and I like the excitement of dating, but I don’t fancy them. I don’t feel attracted to them and definitely don’t feel any sort of spark. Therefore, I’ve realised that I don’t think I fancy hardly any guys whatsoever. I just don’t feel a connection or attraction to any of them.

 

If you don't feel a spark with a guy - it means you don't feel a spark with THAT guy or you have not gotten over your ex. I know i went through a period of not finding anyone who excited me at all.

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Hey Lucy!

 

My general, gut, non-expert diagnosis on your situation is that you sound really awesome. That might be the best label to lean into at this juncture, as you explore the details, since it's the most important.

 

Going on a few dates with a few people and not feeling that pheromonal juju doesn't mean you're not interested in "any guys whatsoever." Maybe just those men. Similarly, finding women attractive or being curious about women doesn't mean anything more than just that. So explore that, is how I see it. No need to slam one door shut to kick another open. Go on a date (or two, or ten) with a woman—to see how you feel in that specific scenario, with that person, rather than to make it a full-on verdict of your sexuality.

 

The big answers are best discovered through small steps, or at least that's how I see things.

 

I think human sexuality is pretty fluid, that we all fall somewhere on a "spectrum" and that where we fall can change over time and be changed by people. I say this as someone who is, by most conventional definitions, a very straight male. Women make my cheeks burn, men do not, and that's been the case for 39 years. I can appreciate male beauty from a number of angles, to the point where I can hang with my gay best friend and very much understand his "lust" after the hotties he swipes through or is seeing. Probably some super macho type of dude would raise an eyebrow at that (though I'd say that raised eyebrow would be his being a few more clicks toward gay on the spectrum than me).

 

Some stories you might enjoy:

 

A good friend of mine, female, recently married a woman. She's 42, her partner is 31. In a vacuum they both identify as more straight than anything else, had never had relationships with women, but they stirred the right waters in each other and are now wife and wife. One of my ex-gf's dated some women after me, and last I heard had been living with a man for over a year. I don't think she identifies as straight, gay, or bi—but just as, well, herself, an awesome woman. A friend of mine has her apps set to both men and women, leaning more toward men but open to women. She's dabbled there, with pleasure, is open to it. She recently had thing with a guy who had been with a guy or two in his life, but leans toward women and didn't really see himself as "bi."

 

Humanity! It's a trip. Sounds like you're open to exploring your own in some new ways. All good. The answers will likely come from the exploration far more than anything us humble internet strangers can offer.

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Lucy, to put it very simply, do you think about these women sexually?

 

If not, no you are not a lesbian -- if you do, you may be a lesbian or bisexual.

 

There are many women I find very attractive and admire, a few I have become friends with, and enjoy spending time with, but I don't think about any of them sexually.

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Lucy, to put it very simply, do you think about these women sexually?

 

If not, no you are not a lesbian -- if you do, you may be a lesbian or bisexual.

 

There are many women I find very attractive and admire, a few I have become friends with, and enjoy spending time with, but I don't think about any of them sexually.

 

Excellent point. To me, the way you describe it, it sounds like you crave female friendships. Craving actual sex with a woman would probably be the big difference.

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You know that “spectrum” bluecastle is talking about? It’s a thing. It’s called the Kinsey scale. Most people are not 100% straight or 100% gay. It’s a sliding scale.

 

Google it :) It may help you feel better.

 

I don’t think you have to “define” yourself or anything right now. You can explore as you see fit and “define” yourself later once you know yourself more.

 

Yolo! Lol! I wouldn’t worry about society’s pre-defined “boxes”. You can just be you.

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It's 2019, why do you have to slap yourself with a label? The world is so open with sexual identity and openness, why does it matter? Why not just live life freely without having to make that decision officially? Humans are very confused creatures anyway. I've known way too many people who were confused that decided they were gay, only for a few months/years down the road they somehow become "straight" again. Smh.

From the sounds of it, you might be a little curious which is totally okay and normal. There is absolutely no harm in experimenting and seeing if that's what you like.

 

This is what a female friend told me if you want to get an idea: watch about 20 minutes of lesbian porn. If you are sexually aroused and intrigued, then you are definitely bi-curious/bisexual. If you get turned off or are weirded out by it instead, then there is your answer. I don't think you're a lesbian though, because lesbians are NOT turned on or interested in men at all other than friends. They don't look at them sexually, they don't think about them sexually. They strictly think about women only and sleep with women only, which isn't your case.

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So I completely understand everything you've written here and much of it I have gone through myself. First thing I wand you to do is look up the term demisexual because you may find it helpful.

 

Demisexuals have difficulty feeling sexual attraction to someone unless they know that person inside and out. Many of us feel like we don't 'fit' in the dating world as what comes naturally for others (feeling sexual attraction to people you don't know very well) just doesn't come for us.

 

As others have said you don't need to jump into a label right away. Sexual identify is a process and you may go through a few things before you find out what suits you. I can't tell you if you are straight, gay or somewhere in between but what I can tell you is that you sound a lot like I did.

 

I identify as demisexual and bisexual although recently I've been leaning into identifying as pansexual (basically means hearts not parts is what attracts me). I'm married to a man but have also been involved with women and like you, my attraction to women grew out of friendships (hence the demisexual nature).

 

The fact that I'm in my late 30s, married and still feel that my 'label' could shift should tell you that it's OK to move through different labels until you find the one that you feel comfortable with or no label at all if that floats your boat. Good luck.

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Well I identify as pansexual and I've been romantically with both males and females. I'm 34 and I've known I like not only one gender since I was 14. I have many GLBTIQ + friends and I agree that sexuality is on a spectrum. People may identify as whatever they like but even being bisexual may not necessarily mean you like males and females 50/50.

 

My advice would be though to explore this if you feel comfortable enough. You said you weren't comfortable about looking at women on online dating. Do you know why you don't feel comfortable? Are you scared of homophobia if you were to be with a woman? Or is there another reason? I see no harm in catching up with a woman from online dating or maybe even going to some events like Meetup or what not. You don't have to start dating or even get intimate but you could just start hanging out with women and people in general and check out the scene.

 

Also to add that yeah, just because you weren't into like five guys doesn't mean you are gay or lesbian. I wouldn't say you were lesbian per se if you were with a guy for five years. I mean if we want to get technical, lesbian means attracted to women only. Although what you choose to identify as is completely up to you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

You could totally be on the continuum!! Many/most people are. Many lesbians, myself included, were once with men and I made myself have a boyfriend in high school so I could seem “normal” and not be the only high schooler that had never been kissed! I was always attracted to women I couldn’t have. I was so infatuated with one of my college professors and she told me that she had an experience with a woman (which I was so excited about) but didn’t like the sex. She loved the emotional side of it. At that point, in college, I could kind of imagine kissing a woman but not really the sex part but hey, I was also new to sex with any person and so there was that. I gradually realized that I was perhaps bi even though I hadn’t been with a woman simply because of my feelings but after I actually met a woman and was in an actual relationship with a woman, I realized very quickly that I was a full-blown card carrying lesbian!! So, heck yeah! Try it out if you want! For me, it’s just a magnetic attraction to not women in general obviously but to certain women that I just could never deny. I am a total lover of ladies!! :-) Great luck to you! Have fun and be light about it! Lots of people I know are bi and they are easy and fluid about it but it takes time [emoji4]

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