Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Thread: My Past Is Haunting Me

  1. #1

    My Past Is Haunting Me

    Hello,
    I have been married to my husband for 4 years and I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. I had a few relationships that were physical and I regret having them. I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,051
    Please see a therapist who specializes in relationship OCD and intrusive thoughts. Also see your pastor for counseling so you can forgive yourself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,123
    Gender
    Male
    What problems, exactly, is this causing? Why, exactly, does your husband want to end the marriage? Is he aware that you had other relationships before him? Had he had other relationships before you? Do you want to stay married to him, in your heart and body, or do you want to stay married because it is the "right" thing to do?

    I'd be curious to hear some answers to those questions before going too much further.

    What you're describing, to my ears and eyes, sounds perfectly normal—though rendered "sinful" in your eyes and thus taking on destructive power, over both you and your relationship. I am not religious, mind you, and personally see no moral difference in someone who is with one person only or a thousand people before meeting the person they want to commit to for life. So my way of processing that perpetuating loop of guilt and shame would be more about learning to accept your past, perhaps through therapy, so your present life isn't being lived in a state of atonement for human behavior self-labeled as "wrong."

    But perhaps there is a religious authority you—and maybe you both—can talk to about this to find some peace and resolution? Or perhaps a combination of guiding hands from both religious and medical realms? From what I understand of religion one of the foundations is forgiveness—of others, of yourself—and it seems you're having difficulty finding that path. There is nothing braver than asking for some help to find the light when we're stumbling around in the dark.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,339
    I'd like to know the answers to blue's questions too. I think we can help you better with more info.

    In general though, yes, I've struggled with my fair share of guilt and worry in the past. And worrying about doing things ' perfectly'. So please know you aren't the only one who has struggled with this! I know how difficult it can be to live like that, but I also know there is hope and it doesn't have to be like this going forward for you.

    Have you seen a doctor to discuss your anxieties? A doctor is a great first stop to check for any possible underlying medical components and as a hub to other resources. Anxiety is very depleting to the body, and it can't hurt to cover your bases in the medical respect as well.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,125
    Yeah I'd want to know why your husband wants to end things. Is it because you won't put the past behind you and move on with him, or is it because he doesn't accept your past? You need to learn to accept your past (and if your religious backround is anything like mine... Christ has already forgiven you for those things so stop giving them power). But if your husband is struggling with this as well, I worry about him. It's not his job to judge you.

    "should have" so often is just a very destructive way to talk about ourselves. If we knew then what we know now we may have made different decisions, whether it be for consequences that happened or because remembering it is painful. But you didn't know then what you know now. You are continuously becoming a new person, and you need to be kind to yourself and especially your past self.

    I also wonder about something else. You are afraid you are lusting after past relationships. Do you love your husband? Is your current relationship unfulfilling? If you have issues there, it may be a root cause that is bringing your mind to wander.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,796
    Gender
    Male
    Talk to your pastor and get a referral to a Christian therapist. You're allowed to be human. Why does your husband want a divorce?
    Originally Posted by PastHauntsMe
    I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,343
    Please see a therapist.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,319
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by PastHauntsMe
    Hello,
    I have been married to my husband for 4 years and I can't stop causing problems in our relationship because I can't seem to let go of my past that I regret. I had a few relationships that were physical and I regret having them. I am a christian and I should have waited until marriage. However, I remember images and memories of those relationships and I feel guilty that I do. So guilty that it causes me to worry about thinking about them. I definitely don't want to feel like I am lusting after my past relationships. So I worry about thinking about them and accidentally lusting. This worry controls me and I feel like if I didn't worry about it, that it wouldn't have such a strong hold over me. But it is hard for me to let go, because I feel that I have to do everything perfect (my actions). I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty. Has anyone ever felt like this? I don't know what to do and my husband doesn't want to stay married to me.
    It sounds like you're suffering with a lot of remorse and guilt but you should recognize that a lot of those constructs regarding purity and sin stem from the patriarchy of the church. Learn to recognize what is faith and what is a dialogue (your relationship) between you and your society. Understand whose words you're reading and adopting and I'd encourage you to study more about your faith and what it asks of you. If you have been born into the idea of Christianity, you know no other way of being or thinking.

    I'd encourage you also to have more conversations with others about your faith. The kind of worry and anxiety you're feeling is not healthy and it sounds like it's taken over your life and your marriage. Your self-esteem is so low because your measure of faith depends on your understanding of what perfection and purity means against a very unrealistic standard that you have set for yourself. If your husband is reminding you of how imperfect and inadequate you are, this is not the right man for you.

    Waiting for marriage is not for everyone. Since when did Jesus ever condemn the people who came to him for help? Start having more conversations and if you're interested start developing your own studies in your faith. Don't be afraid. He didn't die on the cross for you to waste your life immobilized and living in guilt. Engage in more conversations with God and start living out his work in little ways.

    I am Catholic and I've lived like you. I hope you find peace, pray more and don't be afraid.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,682
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Please see a therapist.
    I agree with the above.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,682
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What problems, exactly, is this causing? Why, exactly, does your husband want to end the marriage?
    I could be wrong, but I imagine it has to do with what the OP says: ......... I can't stop causing problems in our relationship .... I over analyze every situation in my daily life and if I feel that I haven't done things quite like they should have, the worry and regret ruminate in my mind, making me feel depressed and guilty."
    I can't imagine living with someone who constantly over analyses every little thing, every single day. He must be feeling exhausted by it all and I have no doubt that it causes problems in the marriage. I could be wrong of course, but that's where my vote goes.

    OP, I think you would benefit from professional counselling/therapy.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •