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Thread: Full Disclosure - Is honesty the best policy?

  1. #11
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    Will that guy even be able to attend the destination wedding? Most countries will block a known sex offender at the border...

    Does your bf know that you ever had a one-night-stand with him? I might be inclined to tell him that some guy you had a fling with will be there, but I wouldn’t talk about the timeline.

    Talking about the timeline is TMI and unnecessary, IMO. And really, if your friends bring it up - including the timeline - I wouldn’t consider them friends at all? That’s not “stirring the pot”, it’s flat-out mean spirited.

    ... and at the end of the day, you weren’t exclusive so you are in the clear, IMO.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Will that guy even be able to attend the destination wedding? Most countries will block a known sex offender at the border...

    Does your bf know that you ever had a one-night-stand with him? I might be inclined to tell him that some guy you had a fling with will be there, but I wouldn’t talk about the timeline.

    Talking about the timeline is TMI and unnecessary, IMO. And really, if your friends bring it up - including the timeline - I wouldn’t consider them friends at all? That’s not “stirring the pot”, it’s flat-out mean spirited.

    ... and at the end of the day, you weren’t exclusive so you are in the clear, IMO.
    I agree -say nothing and if you test positive for STIs or could have exposed your boyfriend, tell him that.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Just going to take a moment to say that I really don't understand what is served by a comment like this. You tell someone there's no reason to feel guilty, and then, in the next sentence, level some snarky judgment at someone you know is feeling guilty. What's that about?

    I love the no-bs advice you give, Holly, and agree with it probably 95 percent of the time. But you run the risk of preventing it from being heard by pouring salt on a nearly healed wound.
    Well said.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Just going to take a moment to say that I really don't understand what is served by a comment like this. You tell someone there's no reason to feel guilty, and then, in the next sentence, level some snarky judgment at someone you know is feeling guilty. What's that about?

    I love the no-bs advice you give, Holly, and agree with it probably 95 percent of the time. But you run the risk of preventing it from being heard by pouring salt on a nearly healed wound.
    I don't get your comment?

    She has no reason to feel guilty.

    Personally, if I knew that someone was on a sex offender registry, I would not engage in sex with them. That is a deal breaker. Two other members made a similar comment. i do not see you responding to them. Why are you singling me out?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 07-23-2019 at 02:17 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I also think you showed very bad judgment in having sex with a known sex offender, but you've clearly beaten yourself up for it enough.

    What you did before you had the 'exclusive' talk was your business. You also told him (the sex offender) that you were in a relationship, and I'm assuming that he respected that and stopped trying to communicate with you. If you run into him at the wedding, there's no need to talk to him at all.
    Originally posted by SarahLancaster.
    I just copied and pasted wrong, sorry.

    I was pretty much going to write the above.

    If you didn't have the exclusivity talk, then you didn't do anything wrong. Very poor judgement but nothing more.
    I can't see anyone starting up a drama from a year ago..that's too weird. But if you're really stressed, you could just forgo the wedding.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I don't get your comment?

    She has no reason to feel guilty.

    Personally, if I knew that someone was on a sex offender registry, I would not engage in sex with them. That is a deal breaker. Two other members made a similar comment. i do not see you responding to them. Why are you singling me out?
    I don't want to get into something that detracts from OP's predicament.

    Yes, one person voiced concern about that, and OP mentioned she worked through it with a professional. Another person agreed that it wasn't the soundest judgement call, while emphasizing that OP had beaten herself up enough. You made what I think are sound points—no need to say a word, no need feel guilt—while then ending on a note of alarm and disgust at a choice OP can't take back and would benefit more from moving on from than being controlled by.

    So that's why I signaled it out, because the takeaway is an accent on the source of shame rather than the solution.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I don't want to get into something that detracts from OP's predicament.

    Yes, one person voiced concern about that, and OP mentioned she worked through it with a professional. Another person agreed that it wasn't the soundest judgement call, while emphasizing that OP had beaten herself up enough. You made what I think are sound points—no need to say a word, no need feel guilt—while then ending on a note of alarm and disgust at a choice OP can't take back and would benefit more from moving on from than being controlled by.

    So that's why I signaled it out, because the takeaway is an accent on the source of shame rather than the solution.
    Did I misread the thread? I thought that her guilt was due to the fact that she slept with this guy- believe that she cheated- not because he was a convicted rapist.

    As women, we need to make better judgement calls when it comes to safety!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Resist the urge to engage in damage control and indulge the true confessions. If your friends gossip or it comes out simply dismiss it as a hookup prior to dating. Are you concerned the sex offender aspect will come out and that you knew about it prior to the hookup? Of course sex offenders are easy to find online, that is the point of registering sex offenders.A hookup prior to exclusive dating is not really an issue however are you concerned that your bf will question your judgement in men?
    Originally Posted by PollyBaker3
    I found out that my one-nightstand will be attending a destination wedding I will be attending as well with my partner. Do I believe my one-nightstand will make a scene? No. But others who will also be in attendance at the wedding know of my weekend escapade and like to "stir the pot."

  10. #19
    I'm confused by the first statement in your post @Wiseman2. And to your other questions, yes and yes. That's why I did not omit that part of the story as much as I knew I would it "disgust" others.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. The hookup thing is nothing, but the sex offender thing could be taken not as disgust necessarily but poor judgement. All you you can do is play it by ear and if it comes out, admit to a lapse in judgement. Keep in mind that someone is actually inviting a registered sex offender to their wedding, so go figure. How many of these people know about his past and that you hooked up once?
    Originally Posted by PollyBaker3
    And to your other questions, yes and yes. That's why I did not omit that part of the story as much as I knew I would it "disgust" others.

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