Is it normal to think about a certain ex even if you're over them.

I have had a few dates with someone and I'm not sure why but I still think of an old ex regularly. He was the only guy I have loved the last 5 and half years, but I'm over him now. Been over him for awhile actually. However in the last two years, every time when things are going forward with a guy, I think back to this man and our past relationship. I remember my feelings and the absolute intensity and the hurt...But I'm over it. Is it my mind trying to keep me from making the same mistake again? It's like my mind sends these warning bells or something. He wasn't my first love, nor my second love, but I was crazy about him... He definitely was the love of my life. Now it's like he's still forever stuck in my heart and on my mind. I'm def over him, but I guess what he represented to me- I never fully got over. Some advice would be appreciated thanks .

I remember my feelings and the absolute intensity and the hurt...But I'm over it.

Only one of these things can be true.

Yes it completely normal, don’t worry about it and keep living your life. I occasionally think about the time I tripped and everyone laughed at me in the second grade. It was impactful and I’m human, it doesn’t mean I’m not “over it”.

Only you can really know if you are truly over him or not, I'd say you are still somehow attached to him, or to the memories you made together.

Sure, it's normal. It's also normal to say "I'm over it" multiple times in order to convince ourselves we're over someone we're not totally over. That the promise of new romance is the main trigger to such thoughts—well, I'd say you're not quite as over him as you'd like to be, that he still occupies a small but fertile slice of emotional real estate.

And that's totally okay, normal, human.

But it might be worth admitting that rather than trying to inhabit a self-conception that isn't entirely true. The risk of that, of course, is that subconsciously you're trying to "date those feelings away," and in the process giving them (and new people) more weight than they deserve or really have. Sometimes just being fully honest with ourselves is what allows us to fully move on and let go, to accept reality as it is rather than what we'd like it to be.

I think about all my exes occasionally, in different ways. But those thoughts generally aren't triggered by anything, certainly not by new romance, at least when I've been fully over exes. When I haven't? Yeah, sometimes a new connection will stir some emotional dregs. Ugh. But also? Life. Doesn't mean you need to crawl back into the cave and refrain from dating until the last toxins are out of the heart-stream. Just acknowledge those thoughts and feelings, and then step forward.

Doing so will demystify them, leach them of their power, making room for you to engage with new people for who they are: new people, with no connections to past people.

I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm definitely over it.

You may never be fully over it. I think all relationships leave impressions on us. Some of them we are never truly "over," but we simply arrive at a place where we are ready to move on.

I’d be lying if I said thoughts of exes didn’t bounce into my head, I think that’s normal, triggered memories, a song comes on that takes you back, going to a place that was special to you, it happens, but I can’t say thoughts of exes come up when I’m with someone else. Yes, maybe you still have some leftover hurt/baggage that really only time and new experiences may heal. Maybe you haven’t truly let go, only you know deep down the answer to that.

It sounds like you are fine not being with him (so "over" him in that way) - but that you are still using him as a yardstick to compare new relationships. Maybe you haven't gotten close enough with anyone until the last two years to the point where you go "but do I love this new guy as much as I loved him?" or "wow, this is getting pretty serious, but I don't want to be hurt again so I better run away!"

So in that sense, no you are probably not over the experience you had with your ex. It's useful to use past experience to avoid some of the same mistakes, but you also should strive to get to a point where you can treat a new relationship as a new one, without comparing it to the past.

I still do at times, but it is more in a way of, I wonder where their life has taken them and how am I a different person than when I was with them. I don't miss my exes because I was a different person when I was with them and I am happy with who I am now with my current SO.

John Gray writes a lot about this in his Mars/Venus books, which I happen to like and have learned a lot about interpersonal relationships from.

He asserts that it’s quite normal and common, when we meet a new person whom we like and start to develop feelings for, that prior feelings for an ex partner (who was at one time very special to us) will suddenly resurface.

Reason for that is those old feelings for your ex, that you may have subconsciously buried, and/or believed you had fully resolved internally, are now being brought to the surface to be released, so you can begin your journey with the new person.

This happened to me a couple of times after I ended my relationship with my long term ex (the six year guy). I didn't know what it was at that time so continued to bury them.

After I met my recent ex (the man I just broke up with) feelings for my ex began to resurface again and it was really confusing!

I began to doubt if I was truly over him! Then I remembered what I read in one of JG’s books about old unresolved feelings resurfacing when we meet someone new and special, and it all made sense!

So I allowed myself to experience those feelings for my ex, as confusing as they were, and in time I was able to finally release them from my consciousness and move forward with my new boyfriend.

It’s complicated stuff, emotions always are imo, but HC, I think you should allow yourself to think about your ex, don’t block those thoughts and feelings out, and just like what happened with me, in time those feelings will be released and you can move forward on your journey with new guy.

Oh and by the way, I did not respond to your previous thread cause I had nothing of value to add that had not already been written, but just wanted to say how happy I am for you that you met this new special guy and I wish you both nothing but the best moving forward together!

I still think of past exes and people I've dated, but mostly in the context of being glad I didn't end up with them! My last ex, before I met my husband, was such a disaster, and I spent about 6 years of being miserable over him. I do still think of him from time to time, but not with sadness or regret, or even fondness -- he was a huge part of my life for a number of years, and he made an indelible impression on me (mostly in a bad way!) I finally stopped being angry at him - and myself for even getting involved with him -- and now when he pops up in my head, I don't feel anything. At one point, even after I met my husband, I STILL felt like I had "unfinished business" with my last ex -- in the sense that I was still harboring some anger and had things I felt I needed to say. Over time, that dissipated, and I no longer feel the need to say anything. That chapter -- the entire book, even -- is closed permanently.

So...I think you CAN still think of past exes, but...if you're still thinking of them with longing, or sadness, or regret, that's a sign you're not really "over it," even if you tell yourself repeatedly that you are. I understand that "fake it till you make it" is a coping strategy that many of us use, but we also have to recognize when we're just telling ourselves something that may not be true.

You refer to him as the love of your life.

If you were truly "over" him that statement would not be true.

But you aren't "over" him, that's the thing. You're in denial and lying to yourself thinking that you will believe it. If you think about him as in the feelings, intensity, and hurt as you worded it that you once had, you are definitely not over him. You are still being effected by it to this day. It's okay to not be fully over this person yet, but it's not okay to lie to yourself. You'll just need more time, that's all.

Now, to think about an ex because a certain song, movie, or memory comes up and reminds you of them but you snap back to reality after a quick minute, that is more along the lines of being moved on. Nostalgia can be powerful in many ways.

He was the love of my life, thus far.

There was a shift when I got over him. These days when I think of him there isn't any emotion, more the thought that I'm glad I broke up with him and learnt from everything he put me through. Our relationship was very toxic and I really matured and changed afterwards. There is def no regret or longing or romantic feelings lol. He used to message me all the time and I wouldn't respond and around Jan of this year, I bumped into him irl-didn't feel anything and walked passed him before he could say something to me.

I think what Katrina said really makes sense.

But you aren't "over" him, that's the thing. You're in denial and lying to yourself thinking that you will believe it. If you think about him as in the feelings, intensity, and hurt as you worded it that you once had, you are definitely not over him. You are still being effected by it to this day. It's okay to not be fully over this person yet, but it's not okay to lie to yourself. You'll just need more time, that's all.

 

Now, to think about an ex because a certain song, movie, or memory comes up and reminds you of them but you snap back to reality after a quick minute, that is more along the lines of being moved on. Nostalgia can be powerful in many ways.

I remember HOW I felt about him and how he hurt me. I haven't fallen in love since so I guess I have only this experience as the last time I did fall in love to think of. I don't feel intensity or hurt towards him; there's a difference.

When he kept txting me, I eventually got alil annoyed, but that was it. It was mild irritation at best.

 

I think what Katrina said really makes sense.

Thanks for saying that HC, wasn't sure it made sense, I mean it all sounds sort of hokey but having experienced it, there is definitely truth to it.

Funny thing was, it only happened when I started developing genuine feelings for another man, it didn't happen when I wasn't that into the guy.

I think new feelings for a new person definitely triggers old feelings for an ex who was once very special; it's the Universe's way of telling you it's time to truly extricate yourself from the old and begin your journey with the new.

You said your relationship was very toxic, which I think might have as much to do with it all as these feelings being something universal or signs from the universe—and I say that as someone who does not negate the idea that the universe likes to tap us on the shoulder here and there, and may very well be doing so here in the way Katrina is eloquently describing.

Toxic loves, I think, stay with us in ways that others do not. They're often intense in ways that are devouring, leading to breakups that are intense and devouring, even when it comes to the stage of moving on, letting go, becoming indifferent. To get to that stage means looking back with clear eyes, asking hard questions, reckoning with contradictory truths, learning lessons at both light speed and snail speed, and coming to terms with the reality not only that something so sweet could also be so poisonous, but that it was the sweetness and the poison feeding off each other that produced and sustained the love.

I don't know the details, of course. But I can't help but find the use of the word "toxic" interesting, especially when connected with "definitely the love of my life." That's a massive positive linked to a massive negative, so it would make sense that when you feel something positive in a familiar way that you would then fear the familiar negative, with those fears being expressed in thoughts of this man, this relationship, when a new man and potential new relationship comes along.

So per what the universe might be saying, right now? I'd see it as asking you to consider the idea that the "love of your life" will not be toxic, that the existence of the latter negates the potential for the former to be true, and to remove him from that perch both for your own peace of mind and to make room for someone else to take that place rather than nudge him off of it.

I have. But it's a bit more comical for me and less serious/not very meaningful (sorry). I remember the one that broke my crock pot but after marrying my chef husband, I no longer have a need for crock pots so I end up giggling. Or the one that did not like my body for x reason and now my husband loves me just the way I am and more. Or the other one that was so serious all the time and never understood my dark and sometimes ill-timed humour but I end up laughing even more and this time I'm laughing with someone else because my husband's humour is darker than mine. So I'm not sure where all this is going but in the end it'll all make sense, I promise you.

Don't worry. Just keep being you.

Do these memories sabotage future relationships? If not, what's the problem?

I think they are a non-issue if there are no emotions attached to the memories.

When dating is disappointing, the past becomes idealized because it was comfortable and it's easy to look back and remember the good parts and forget the hurt. It sounds like the guys you're dating are simply incompatible or not attractive enough to you. Reflect and consider if you are idealizing "the one who got away" because that's a lot easier than finding and forming new relationships. That takes work and being open and accepting.

Next time when you date think of "absolute intensity and the hurt. Is it my mind trying to keep me from making the same mistake again?". In other words how can someone who causes hurt and was a mistake be the love of your life? Consider short term therapy if being stuck in the past seems to be a stumbling block.

I have had a few dates with someone and I'm not sure why but I still think of an old ex regularly. in the last two years, every time when things are going forward with a guy, I think back to this man and our past relationship.

But you aren't "over" him, that's the thing. You're in denial and lying to yourself thinking that you will believe it. If you think about him as in the feelings, intensity, and hurt as you worded it that you once had, you are definitely not over him. You are still being effected by it to this day. It's okay to not be fully over this person yet, but it's not okay to lie to yourself. You'll just need more time, that's all.

 

Now, to think about an ex because a certain song, movie, or memory comes up and reminds you of them but you snap back to reality after a quick minute, that is more along the lines of being moved on. Nostalgia can be powerful in many ways.

You said your relationship was very toxic, which I think might have as much to do with it all as these feelings being something universal or signs from the universe—and I say that as someone who does not negate the idea that the universe likes to tap us on the shoulder here and there, and may very well be doing so here in the way Katrina is eloquently describing.

 

Toxic loves, I think, stay with us in ways that others do not. They're often intense in ways that are devouring, leading to breakups that are intense and devouring, even when it comes to the stage of moving on, letting go, becoming indifferent. To get to that stage means looking back with clear eyes, asking hard questions, reckoning with contradictory truths, learning lessons at both light speed and snail speed, and coming to terms with the reality not only that something so sweet could also be so poisonous, but that it was the sweetness and the poison feeding off each other that produced and sustained the love.

 

I don't know the details, of course. But I can't help but find the use of the word "toxic" interesting, especially when connected with "definitely the love of my life." That's a massive positive linked to a massive negative, so it would make sense that when you feel something positive in a familiar way that you would then fear the familiar negative, with those fears being expressed in thoughts of this man, this relationship, when a new man and potential new relationship comes along.

 

So per what the universe might be saying, right now? I'd see it as asking you to consider the idea that the "love of your life" will not be toxic, that the existence of the latter negates the potential for the former to be true, and to remove him from that perch both for your own peace of mind and to make room for someone else to take that place rather than nudge him off of it.

Thanks so much for this, all of this really resonated and somehow I no longer feel as bad for harbouring these thoughts. Thanks everyone for helping me make sense of it all, it really helped me so much! This forum rocks haha I'm so glad I posted this thread. For a while I always felt a bit uneasy that I would think about it but it's clear that I have been equating development, progression and deepening of feeling to pain and that's totally not the way to look at it.

Rose, you post really cracked me up ahaha.

Wiseman, I don't forget the hurt. There were a few instances in that particular relationship where I was left devastated by his actions, the feelings of those instances are quite vivid so my mind sends reminders of it. But I'll be okay, eventually these minor passive fears will fade.