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Thread: Early dating and sexual health

  1. #1
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    Early dating and sexual health

    Hello friends, I need some advice or at least some insights.

    I've been seeing this woman for about 3 weeks now. We matched online and 'clicked' right when we met. There is a good chemistry between us and we've been really into each other. We've been on a few dates and only had sex for the first time the last weekend. Before that, she asked me about the last time I got tested for STI. It had been one year or more so I thought it was a good idea to test again. It all came negative for the major STIs I got tested for. It's a 'standard' sexual health test.

    She also asked me, a few days before having sex, whether I was having sex with someone else at the moment, which I replied that I am not. She told me the same and that she has been tested for STIs recently so it was all ready to go. I know, a bit too pragmatic for me, but I understood her valid concerns. Also, we had sex using condoms so there was no big deal about it, so I thought.

    After we had sex and while still laying on her bed, she started asking more questions about my sexual history. I felt a bit umcofortable to be honest. She asked about whether I had unprotected casual sex before and I said I had only with previous girlfriends but not casually. Then she asked if I had slept with multiple people at once (???) and I said I didn't. She kept asking questions she had asked before, and I told her it seemed like she was trying to tell/ask something but wouldnt' say it. I think she was trying to gauge how promiscuous I was/am. At some point, we talked about Herpes, etc. I said I never had any symptoms and since they can't test for it, there was no way to be certain but I felt confident that I don't have it. She then apologised for asking so many questions but said she was a bit 'paranoid' about sexual health and that some people don't care too much about it as much as she does.

    The thing is, with my previous girlfriend, she told me straight away she had herpes but was taking medication and was not having any symptoms while we were together. At some point, after a few months, we ended up having sex a few times without a condom. It felt like a normal thing to do given herpes is quite prevalent and the risk of contamination is much lower when there are no symptoms and under medication. It was a calculated risk, given it was my partner and I felt ok with it given the fact she was very honest and transparent about it.

    I did my research (I'm a public health researcher also) and most clinicians are pretty relaxed about Herpes. They say most sexually active people will get herpes at some point in their lives and most will never even develop symptoms. Also, symptoms tend to decrease with time, etc. They told me I most likely had sex with someone with herpes before my girlfriend anyway. 1 out of 6 sexually active people have the genital herpes virus and it is way more prevalent as people grow older.

    Now the point is: I feel that I need to disclose this info (about me and my ex-girlfriend) to the new girl, given how paranoid she is about it. And I'm almost sure it will be a deal breaker for her and honestly, it may be one for me as well to deal with someone who is so paranoid about herpes. Even if it's not a dealbreaker, it will kill the vibe for sure. She seems to be really into me and already talked about future, etc, very slightly and not in a freaky way. It's a weird situation, I guess. I don't really know what to do. I think that only disclosing that "I might have it but don't know for sure" will not be enough.

    This is the kind of information that I personally don't think I should disclose to people I'm dating, because I never had any symptoms and my ex-girlfriend was taking anti-herpes medication and without symptoms at the time. I have no indication of having herpes at all. I could have asymptomatic herpes, but I certainly never had any symptoms, not even slightly. Honestly I don't think herpes is a big deal at all. But she seems to think otherwise and now I'm overthinking everythink and want to tell her about it and possibly end things - or maybe she will end things first I don't know.

    What are your thoughts on this? What is the level of disclosure you have with new people you are dating about your sexual past history? And especially about herpes that is so prevalent and we all "may or may not" have it? Also, I'm 35 and she's 31 if that's important.
    Last edited by Morello; 07-23-2019 at 07:45 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    If this girl ever finds out about this, she will feel betrayed and end things.

    And you donít get to decide what is a big or not big deal for someone else. If I got herpes from someone I would be livid.

  3. #3
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    OK I will admit that I don't actually completely know how herpes is passed on. Can you still get it if you use condoms? And you can get it from oral sex? Look I'm not sure what to say because while yes, it's good to worry about protection and STD's, but I think she's a bit over the top. You did the full STD tests available and you showed her that you have no STD's. If it was me that would be all I need to know. That the person is clear. If we were using condoms I wouldn't think about it any further because there is also protection.

    The fact that she kept talking about it and even asked things like how many people have you slept with and were you sleeping with more than one person at the same time. I don't think that is actually any of her business to be honest! I mean so what if you were sleeping with more than one person. You can do whatever you want. If you have no STD's that's all she needs to know.

    It's just a bit full-on considering you'd only been seeing each other for three weeks.

    I mean if you intend to keep seeing her then yes you should probably mention about the herpes. If she ends it then sorry but good riddance! I mean there is nothing you can do about it now and you've always done your best to stay STD free. It's fine not to use condoms with long-term partners so you did nothing wrong.

  4. #4
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    She is not as concerned about her sexual health as she lets on.

    If she was, she wouldnít have sex on the 3rd meet with someone she barely knows.

    She clearly has done that before , why would she get an sti screen otherwise?

    If she only ever had sex with a partner who tested negative in an sti screen , why get tested???

    She doesnít care at this point if she has an sti and passes it to you. She just cares about whether you have one and might pass it to her?

    As for herpes, no there is no screening test. If you have lesions , then yes they can be tested. But you donít have any , she doesnít have any.

    You could have asymptomatic herpes and so could she?

    Just because you know a previous partner had herpes but was responsible about it , does not mean you need to disclose this. You were careful.

    I had an ex who had herpes but took the meds to prevent outbreaks. Over 10 years ago. I did not contract it.

    This girl has had sex with guys whom she does not know their sexual history hence her sti test. How many of them had herpes? At least one in 8.

    I would be more concerned about her sexual history she has not disclosed over yours that is pretty safe.

    Ask for her sti results?! Show me yours Iíll show you mine. If she is as concerned as she lets on, no problem.

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  6. #5
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    You can get herpes with a condom.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Honestly I don't think herpes is a big deal at all
    Crusty, weeping sores all over your genitals that has no cure, is no big deal!?!?

    You have no right to decide for someone else what is or isn't a big deal. You don't care to risk herpes, but you cannot decide that for someone else, nor should you.

    You should have told her BEFORE you got into bed with her and anyone else for that matter.

    You have had risky sex. You can easily be carrying the virus and spreading it around, even with a condom.

    How dare you have sex with anyone without telling them what they are risking.

  8. #7
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    I think you've met a reasonable standard of disclosure. Your past is none of her business. All she needs to know is you have a clean bill of health.

    My understanding is there are tests for herpes. You may want to consider that route, if you think it's worth your time and money.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    If this girl ever finds out about this, she will feel betrayed and end things.

    And you donít get to decide what is a big or not big deal for someone else. If I got herpes from someone I would be livid.
    She hasnít disclosed her full sexual history. She simply said her sti screen was negative , which does NOT include herpes. If she has had sex with 8 people the chances are that she had sex with someone with herpes, even if unaware.

    At least he was aware and took precautions.

    She has sex with someone she barely knows , apparently has had an sti check , prior , why? Clearly not because of previous clean long term sexual partners.

    She is a hypocrite and using the sti chat for reasons other than stiís.

    He is not deciding whatís a big deal for her or not.
    He is being very logical whereas she is clearly not.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She is a hypocrite and using the sti chat for reasons other than stiís.
    True.

    Both of them are exactly the reason as to why there is a huge number of herpes cases right now.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Crusty, weeping sores all over your genitals that has no cure, is no big deal!?!?

    You have no right to decide for someone else what is or isn't a big deal. You don't care to risk herpes, but you cannot decide that for someone else, nor should you.

    You should have told her BEFORE you got into bed with her and anyone else for that matter.

    You have had risky sex. You can easily be carrying the virus and spreading it around, even with a condom.

    How dare you have sex with anyone without telling them what they are risking.
    But he doesn't think he has herpes because he's had zero symptoms his whole life...? He is using condoms and did all the STI checks he could. We could all be having sex with people who have herpes and don't even know it. Look at all the Tinder hookup culture we have now! We do our best by using condoms and maybe not having oral sex with a hook up but you can only do so much. I think this girl's behaviour is a bit off putting because she asked ten billion questions like did he sleep with more than one person at a time and is he sleeping with someone else now. I understand she's asking for safety reasons but what if he was to say: "Yes I did sleep with more than one person". What if he was sleeping with someone else now too? Would she end it? I mean he hardly knows this girl and he can do what he wants. What's this, the Spanish inquisition?

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