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Thread: Early dating and sexual health

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Morello
    Regarding tests, I've been looking for it for a long time. Where I live, these tests are not recommended if you don't have a sore or blister, they just won't take a swab at the lab if you don't have visible symptoms. Blood tests can be done but they appear not very effective. I could try to do that but I honestly don't know where I can get one done. Maybe I'll ask at the sexual health clinic again but they told me there are no tests for asymptomatic herpes as per guidelines - the blood tests give too many false positives and false negative results. So even taking the blood test, I'd still not be sure. There's no way to know if you don't have symptoms apparently.

    I'd like to take the test anyway, if I can find one. And yeah, she could get tested too. I'll try to find out more tomorrow.
    The only type of test is a blood test, not a swab, etc.

    You might have to go to a private lab to get this done, not your regular doctor's office.

    The blood test does not produce "false positives". What it produces is either a presence of HSV-2 antibodies, or not. Period.

    It's an IgG test, and it distinguishes between HSV-1 and HSV-2 antibodies.

    You can be positive for HSV-2 antibodies and never present symptoms for your entire life. This is why it seems like there are "false positives". But you are still infected with it, and it can still be passed on.

    This is how vaccines work: The virus is injected into us, and the body creates antibodies, surrounding it, keeping it from erupting into the disease itself.

    So they CAN check for HSV-2 antibodies. They are either there, or they are not.

  2. #22
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    From what I understand about HSV-2, LHG is spot on. Although I admit I was not aware it could be contracted when one's partner is not having a current outbreak. So that was new info for me, thnx LHG good to know.

    I am a bit torn about what info to disclose to new partners or not.

    Of course we should disclose any sti's we ourselves are currently carrying but of our past partners?

    I think if you have been tested and those tests show up negative, then no, it's not necessary to disclose any history about past partners, to me that would be an invasion of their privacy.

    However, in this case, Morrello you have not been tested. You don't think you have contracted it because you show no symptoms, but you may still have contracted it and be a carrier.

    So my advice at this point would be to get that blood test, ASAP, to know for sure.

    If it's negative, then no need to disclose to your new gf any info pertaining to your ex.

    It's none of her or anyone's business what diseases your ex has, as long as you are negative.

    That is all that's important, imo with respect to what to tell new partners.

    It's a total invasion of your ex's privacy, I mean what if your new gf told someone else, that person told someone and suddenly it's splashed all over the Internet your ex has Herpes?

    Just go get tested, ease your conscience; by doing so you can enjoy sex with a clear conscience and not worry about not disclosing something so private re any of your previous partners.

    If the test turns up positive for HSV-2, then of course you would need to disclose that info to your new gf.

  3. #23
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    Thanks LHGirl, that's helpful info.

    And Katrina, you make a valid point about privacy. It's really "too much info" I think to disclose that info about my ex. It's better to just get tested and get this over with.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    Of course we should disclose any sti's we ourselves are currently carrying but of our past partners?

    I think if you have been tested and those tests show up negative, then no, it's not necessary to disclose any history about past partners, to me that would be an invasion of their privacy.
    So yeah, I amend what I said earlier: Since the herpes was your past partner, no, you do not need to tell, as you yourself aren't the one who (definitely) has it. I agree with Katrina, that it's a violation of their privacy.

    The reason I've done so much research on this is that I dated someone who had herpes (genital, HSV-2), who didn't tell me until I was months into dating him. This was 15 years ago, and I definitely learned my lesson on asking questions first, sleeping with someone later.

    In that case, I slept with him many times, and once he told me, I freaked out and broke up. He had an outbreak later on in the day, when we had had sex that morning. I never spoke to him again, but I chastised myself for not having been more careful.

    Since it can take months for the antibodies to appear, I had myself tested, and re-tested months later. All negative.

    But to Katrina's point, I never told any of my partners after him about it because, well, that's his business, not mine. My side of the street are my own results.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Interesting situation.

    Personally, I think you've been more than above-board in what you've disclosed and the steps you've taken to ensure you're clean. I also think she's being over the top in a way that would both turn me off and raise eyebrows. Call me old fashioned, but I don't love discussions about STDs and deep inquisitions about my sexual history to be the stuff of pillow talk, especially with someone who, an hour before, was down for a 3rd date romp after the standard protocol of mature adult questioning. All that speaks to a kind of paranoid mindset that I can't hang with, paranoia being as contagious as a herpes outbreak, and reading your original post I'm already wondering what she's hiding and/or where the source of all this sexual shame lies. Those are not questions I'm interested in being part of early romance, especially in the post-coital stages.

    But that's me.

    She, as Sherry said, has a right to be however she wants to be: down to roll around with near-strangers, but equally down to follow that up with paranoid pillow talk. So the gentlemanly thing to do is respect her level and get the blood test. No need to tell her every detail of your past, but no sex till you get the results. If they're negativeógreat, another exhale for yourself and then proceed as is, if you're still interested/capable in proceeding. If they are positiveówell, then you get to have a very adult, very uncomfortable conversation that will likely be the end of this nascent tryst.

    I've done the herpes blood test with zero symptoms or cause for concern, by the way, more than once; it's totally doable. Doctors do generally discourage you from getting itóor at least discouraged me, since I had no symptoms or any idea whether I'd been with someone who'd been diagnosedóbecause doctors don't really think herpes is a big deal. They understand that people generally get outbreaks only by having unprotected sex with someone having an outbreak. Yes, there are exceptions, but they are rare, and doctors focus more on managing the rules than indulging the exceptions. I did it for my own peace of mind after a fertile stretch of singledom and so I could be confident in saying I'm clean when I tell people I'm clean. I'm not paranoid at all about this stuff, but that's partly because I'm really precautious.

    Anyhow, that's my take.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just get the test and make sure.

    You should have done it long time ago.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    What is this about not being able to be tested?

    I actually learned on this site ( thanks ena) you have to specifically ask for it when getting tested for STDs because they donít do them because apparently some astronomical number, more than 80% I think, test positive for having been exposed to HSV at some point in their lives, some get it as children, donít let just anyone kiss your baby!!! But testing positive does not mean you have herpes just that youíve been exposed, but there is a blood test you can ask for.

    Itís not up to you to decide whatís a big deal, if she asks, tell her, you didnít, meaning you were deceptive, not cool to me personally.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I dated someone briefly with herpes also but we did not have sex. I chose to end it after he disclosed it to me which was incredibly respectful now after learning how different people feel differently on the matter. He explained the whole painful experience of contracting it as a teenager from a girl he hardly knew and she had no idea she was positive either. He had children, two girls aged 8 and 13 with an ex-wife and dated his ex-girlfriend before me for 4 years. Both his ex-wife and his ex-gf did not contract herpes or were asymptomatic. They did not feel it was a big deal either.

    I think it's a bit hurtful to discriminate loved ones or potential loved ones who have an STI or STD. I certainly had feelings for him but couldn't go down that road. In my case, he was very brave to tell me his whole story and what living with it meant. He also took medication for it and his outbreaks were minimized. He was also brave enough to tell me about what it felt like feeling marginalized and very responsible for his health and the sexual health of his partners, feeling down for a long time and also considering dating individuals who were already diagnosed with herpes to prevent its spread to new partners. He tried a lot of things. In the end I felt a lot of respect and admiration for this person even though we went our separate ways.

    With differences come judgment and decisions and choices. I think you owe it to all your partners to disclose your sexual health and experiences. I don't think she should have engaged in sex with you so early if she's so terrified of sex and its risks. Both of you could have gotten to know each other a lot more before this type of conversation. Now that it's happened, yes, you should be open with her. I wouldn't be able to go on any further with that weighing on me. It would in some way affect the relationship not being open about it with my partner even if it was a fwb situation.

  10. #29
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    "With differences come judgment and decisions and choices. I think you owe it to all your partners to disclose your sexual health and experiences. I don't think she should have engaged in sex with you so early if she's so terrified of sex and its risks. Both of you could have gotten to know each other a lot more before this type of conversation. Now that it's happened, yes, you should be open with her. I wouldn't be able to go on any further with that weighing on me. It would in some way affect the relationship not being open about it with my partner even if it was a fwb situation."

    I agree. Very well put. I never had sex that early on -never even close -and if he was uncomfortable being tested it was a no go. I also waited till he was abstinent for enough time for the tests to be accurate, back then. I didn't ask all those questions about sexual history but that's also because by months in to the relationship that kind of thing came up one way or another -our values and practices as far as casual sex. I did date a few men who'd been promiscuous and only had sex with one of them.

    I do think it's fine in any sexual arrangement to ask about STDs, date of last test, date of last sexual encounter -but it seems odd to me that if a person is going to have sex on the third date why would she or he care if the partner had previously had casual sex. Wouldn't she assume he had?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Thanks, Batya. I read the situation as one more along the lines of inexperience and feeling insecure too (a mix of different things). I think intimacy can bring out a lot of fears and insecurities about our bodies, sexual health, emotions, past experiences and so on. I think this is also why her questions don't really phase me. I read that she is inexperienced and nervous. This may not be your cup of tea, OP, and you're perfectly entitled to feel that way. I don't feel that you should have to do anything you are not comfortable with either.

    From a personal perspective, I would have out with it if you plan to spend more time with her. If you don't want to be around her again, that's also your call. I don't feel you should feel guilty for anything at this point. That would be a little over the top (if you do), imho.

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