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Thread: Early dating and sexual health

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    But he doesn't think he has herpes because he's had zero symptoms his whole life...?
    It doesn't matter. He has had risky sex and could still be carrying the virus and passing it on. Condoms won't stop it.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    It doesn't matter. He has had risky sex and could still be carrying the virus and passing it on. Condoms won't stop it.
    Well he can tell her about it but I think that even prior to that she was acting off putting. Just my opinion. I think if he does tell her she probably won't want to see him again because she was already really suspicious, etc. I think she's obviously someone who is really stressed about this stuff anyway for whatever reason.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Tiny, without any disrespect, you can make your own choices as to who you go to bed with. But me personally, if someone told me they had sex with someone with herpes and didn't use a condom I would not be having sex with them.

    He made that choice, it's now up to him to disclose that unless he is 100% that he is not carrying the virus..

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    And? She has a right to be however she wants to be. If she doesn't want to see him again...that's her right.

    But keeping things from her and not giving her a fair choice is flat out wrong.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    And? She has a right to be however she wants to be. If she doesn't want to see him again...that's her right.

    But keeping things from her and not giving her a fair choice is flat out wrong.
    OK but if it makes no difference with herpes if you wore a condom or not? Is the chance to catch it lower with a condom? Yes of course it's her choice not to continue in regards to the herpes. I'm just saying she was already putting him in an awkward situation asking stuff that wasn't necessary to ask.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    It doesn't matter. He has had risky sex and could still be carrying the virus and passing it on. Condoms won't stop it.
    He didn’t have “risky” sex.
    He had sex with a partner known to have herpes but a responsible partner who said she was positive , used meds to prevent outbreaks and didn’t have sex during an outbreak.
    Just like I did.

    He is very responsible and mature about this. She on the other hand seems clueless.

    You could have sex once prior to engaging in a 10 yr relationship . Both have sti tests done, all negative. Great!
    10 yrs later one of you have a herpes outbreak. Who contracted it first? Who knows??

    If this girl in question ever had oral sex, sex with a condom, then wrt herpes she had risky sex. Just because she doesn’t know the herpes status of the guys she hung out with that led her to get an sti test doesn’t mean she is “clean” or “clear”

  8. #17
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    I am not entirely sure about the concept of 'risky' sex either. What is sexual risky behaviour? I had sex with my ex-girlfriend who was taking medication and showed it to me. I honestly would not have done that if it was a casual situation and I was bummed when it ended. From then on I have carefully checked for any symptom and didn't even notice any fever/cold which can be common when you get it, not to say sores and blisters and things like that.

    If I had anything to believe that I have herpes I'd have disclosed it to her beforehand as my ex-girlfriend did to me. But disclosing risk of herpes involves full disclosure of sexual activity, basically. Unless we had no sexual partners in your life, we all have it, some more others less. Chances are that if we are in our 30s we will have had sex with someone with herpes, and that includes oral sex, if we had 6 different sexual partners. Is everyone willing to disclose that before having sex? That will have to include a count.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Tiny, without any disrespect, you can make your own choices as to who you go to bed with. But me personally, if someone told me they had sex with someone with herpes and didn't use a condom I would not be having sex with them.

    He made that choice, it's now up to him to disclose that unless he is 100% that he is not carrying the virus..
    At this point he is sure he doesn’t have herpes as is she. Because of no symptoms. Only.
    He was lucky enough to have a partner who disclosed that she did have herpes.
    As for the girl in question , ignorance is bliss? Really?

    He chose to sleep with her knowing she had an sti check that was negative yet why did she get an sti check done?
    Clearly because she is unsure of previous partners sexual health which includes herpes but can’t be tested for on a routine screen.

    Has she disclosed that info? No?
    What if she does have herpes? And he contracts it from her? Is she going to blame him purely because he had sex with one person in 8 who has it?

    There is a lot of ignorance wrt to herpes.
    And it sounds like this girl is not a saint when it comes to choosing sexual partners and likely ignorant.
    I would be more concerned about contracting herpes from her than her contracting herpes from him.

  10. #19
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    First of all, yes, you owe it to her to tell her this.

    Go get a herpes-specific test. It tests for herpes antibodies, which tells you if you have herpes or not.

    Nearly all people who have had chicken pox will test positive for HSV-1; it's the HSV-2 that you need to get checked for. So don't freak out if it comes back positive for HSV-1.

    And yes, be honest with her about all of this, and be prepared to abstain from sex with her until all of this is sorted out.

    Herpes is not part of a normal STI/STD panel because it's just a different test. But almost any lab, including those "drive-up" labs, can do it.

    Once the HSV virus is in your system, your body creates antibodies to it, which is why there are never constant outbreaks. It's the antibodies that the test is looking for.

    But even during non-outbreak times, the person is still very much contagious, as the outbreaks first begin with a "prodromal", or shedding phase, which the person who has herpes is not often aware of. If they engage in sex while they are prodromal, it can easily be passed on, even though they don't "feel" an outbreak.

    Because of this, I wouldn't engage in sex with her at all until you both have been tested for everything, including herpes.

    I once dated a guy who wouldn't have sex until we both produced new test results for everything, including HIV, HSV, etc. I didn't stop dating him. I respected him for it, and I understood. Hopefully she will too.

  11. #20
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    Regarding tests, I've been looking for it for a long time. Where I live, these tests are not recommended if you don't have a sore or blister, they just won't take a swab at the lab if you don't have visible symptoms. Blood tests can be done but they appear not very effective. I could try to do that but I honestly don't know where I can get one done. Maybe I'll ask at the sexual health clinic again but they told me there are no tests for asymptomatic herpes as per guidelines - the blood tests give too many false positives and false negative results. So even taking the blood test, I'd still not be sure. There's no way to know if you don't have symptoms apparently.

    I'd like to take the test anyway, if I can find one. And yeah, she could get tested too. I'll try to find out more tomorrow.

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