I met someone online but don't really understand what is going on

Hi. I recently met someone over the internet. She's 29, I'm 23, and we live quite far apart. Opposite continents in fact.

We started talking 5 months ago, and I grew to like her. We spoke about it and we used to say these things take time.

We've skyped, although not very often, and we talked almost every day. Two weeks ago, we seemed to have clicked, and a real connection felt like it had developed. One that would help us move out of the 'getting to know each other' stage.

She is a very busy woman, who is running her own business, and so, in recent weeks, we haven't had a lot of time, and she's had to renege on Skype calls a few times. I didn't have an issue, but I didn't feel like I was too much of a priority to her. She got angry at this, and told me that we just finally got connected, and I've found an issue(its a regular thing for me), and that she's not sure how she can make me feel closer, and that she enjoys the way we talk, but all we talk about now is how she can't attend Skype calls, and that she tries very hard to make time for me.

She went away for the weekend after that, so at the time, I thought everything was over. This week, we are talking again, but its almost platonic, and very dull. Our conversations for the last 5 months were all very natural, and carefree. Now it all feels so strained. We were talking about meeting up next year, last week. Now it seems like we're not even friends. I'm not sure what to do here. This is not something I'm experienced with. I like this person, and I feel that we had a natural attraction to each other. It wasn't forced, and now it seems to be all fallen apart.

Sounds to me like you're really wasting your time with this woman (imo). She doesn't sounds overly interested, barely lukewarm and you seem way more into her than she is into you (sorry). It wouldn't surprise me if she's dating others and/or is already in a relationship. I suggest you move on and find someone in real life. Life is too short to hang around wasting time on someone who is barely interested.

Are you dating people in real life ?

Because you should be.

Guaranteed she is, after all the likelihood of you two ever meeting is slim to none.

And the reality is that even if you met in person there might not be any connection in real life.

I’m sorry but it sounds to me as if you are a hobby to her. Something to do when nothing else to do.

Yet you are prioritising her over your actual real life? Why? What are you avoiding , by indulging in a fantasy?

I'm not avoiding anything. I wasn't looking to meet someone. We just sorta had a conversation and went from there. And I had plans to go on holiday in the same city where she lives, which is actually how we started talking in the first place.

So, assuming I'm 'indulging' a fantasy is a bit extreme.

I've dated in real life, but nobody has ever really piqued my interest, or been someone I connected to on an emotional level. Hence, why I mentioned a lack of experience.

That being said, I suppose you're right, and shifting off is the right idea.

You would be wise not to invest any further in this, OP.

You don't know her, she lives very far away and she's already made it clear that she cannot devote the same time and energy into this that you would like.

I think when she realized you were a lot more attached than she was, she backed away. It seems you are a friend to her, a fun distraction when she has time for it, but you are correct that you are not a priority. It would be strange if you were, to be blunt - you two have never met. It doesn't seem you and she want the same things out of this, so I would start emotionally disconnecting. The chances that this will lead somewhere are low.

To be honest, I wasn't sure what I wanted out of this.

I just wanted to meet her first, and see what happens. I'm not saying 'Let's jump into a relationship NOW!'

But again, you're probably right.

I'm not avoiding anything. I wasn't looking to meet someone. We just sorta had a conversation and went from there. And I had plans to go on holiday in the same city where she lives, which is actually how we started talking in the first place.

So, assuming I'm 'indulging' a fantasy is a bit extreme.

 

I've dated in real life, but nobody has ever really piqued my interest, or been someone I connected to on an emotional level

 

Bolded -- I believe you.

What you don't realize is the fact that because those women are in "real life" (the operative word being real) is precisely the reason why they don't pique your interest.

Something about having a relationship in real life scares you, and I can almost guarantee you that if this same woman you feel you connect with in the "cyber" world, were to ever transition to the "real" world, she would no longer "pique your interest" either.

You would be wise to consider and explore these fears and hopefully resolve assuming what you want is a relationship in the real world, versus a cyber fantasy, which is precisely what this is whether you wish to acknowledge that or not.

Personally, I don't think anyone should have an online pen pal for five months. That is a waste of time.

Agree with Katrina.

I suppose, somewhere on the globe in these modern times in which we live, there is a romantic story of two people who met on screens, Skyped and texted for months, finally met for an enjoyable weekend, then went back to their lives, continued Skyping and texting, met again, had an even more lovely time, and, eventually, after a year or so of black mirror flirtation and bonding, figured out a way to live in the same place and became a real couple holding hands and skipping together toward the sunset.

But those odds? They are so beyond slim that to even entertain them is a fool's errand.

I've got a better chance with clicking with and becoming life partners with a global celebrity, because I happen to live in Los Angeles, than clicking with and becoming partners with someone on the other side of the globe because I have WhatsApp installed on my phone, you know?

I use that metaphor for a reason. If I walked around LA waiting for Emma Stone to fall in love with me, because when I saw her on a billboard I felt something more profound than I'd felt in numerous in-person dates—well, I'd have some issues that needed addressing. No different than if I sat in my home in LA convinced that my connection with a pixilated face in Paris was more profound than the people I'd met up with in 3D parks, restaurants, at parties, whatever.

Whatever was fueling her interest in you—well, it doesn't much matter now, since (a) she's pulling away and (b) you're not even finding any of it very satisfying or sparkly. Things we do in the name of boredom tend to get boring quickly—something worth thinking about, as online interactions tend, more often than not, to be more boredom-based than anything else. Also worth exploring, per Katrina's words, what's swirling around in your head and heart to make something logistically improbable feel legitimately probable, to make a fantasy feel more real than the wondrous wilds of reality.

Something about having a relationship in real life scares you, and I can almost guarantee you that if this same woman you feel you connect with in the "cyber" world, were to ever transition to the "real" world, she would no longer "pique your interest" either.

This has been the case with every online relationship I've heard of. It's easy to think everything is wonderful from behind a screen... people show you what they want to show you, not who they really are... it's a false intimacy, one that feeds the fantasy vs. the reality.

Real intimacy is getting used to their quirks, being in their physical space, communicating face to face, sharing physical touch, overcoming the anxiety around being vulnerable with the people you love, learning to deal with conflict in a healthy and appropriate way.