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Am I a bad friend for being jealous?


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I have a friend that I've known for a few years now, he's like a brother to me. We've always had a good time and never really had problems or conflicts. One thing about him is that he's a 'ladies man', probably the biggest that I have ever met. The guy is always talking to multiple different females at once and has serious game. He has never had an issue with picking up girls, and usually every weekend he meets a new girl or two either at bars/clubs or online apps. He usually likes to brag a little by showing me the next day of pictures or dirty conversations that girls will send him, and I'll usually just laugh and tease him about it.

 

Lately though it's been kinda catching up to me. My game has been awful with women as of late, and I'm by no means an ugly guy. I'm up there with him and have the same level of confidence as he does, but yet when we hangout and go out to places, I can tell that girls are always looking at him and are interested in just him. The way girls will smile at him upon meeting us, but give me just a "meh" reaction when I introduce myself, it frustrates me in the inside. And it happens almost every time we hangout and go out together.

 

The other thing is that he is very flaky if it means him getting with a woman. I don't blame him at public places, but he'll unknowingly leave me on my own if he's with a couple girls and they want to introduce him to their larger group. He'll also cancel plans alot if a girl wants to meet with him at the same time we were going to hangout, sometimes it can literally be 5 minutes before we were supposed to meet up. One time I won concert tickets and we were going to go, and like 4 hours before the concert, he flakes in favor of meeting up with this girl that he met on Tinder a day ago.

He's a good guy, but lately I haven't really been talking to him because I think I'm getting jealous of the amount of attention he gets from women, but also his flaking which is really annoying.

 

I feel like a POS friend and almost want to tell him that he cares more about chasing tail than his bros.

Am I wrong for thinking/feeling like this? Is there anything I can do to better the situation so it's not like this? Any advice would be appreciated.

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Forget about your friend's life. Work on yourself. Nothing is more attractive in a man than self confidence (not to be mistaken for cocky), emotional intelligence (EQ), his own success, taking good care of his health, being kind, considerate, empathetic and never rude nor mean. Do all of that and check it off your list. Women will flock to you like bees to honey. You won't even have to try so hard. You'll be snatched up before you can look to the left and right. All the good men are taken early!

 

Don't be jealous of your friend. A person is like an onion with many layers. Once you peel it's layers one by one, there is the inside which you don't know about such as a person's inner insecurity, personal problems, troubles you have no clue about, you don't know their past haunts and baggage they carry, their finances, childhood stories and it can run the gamut. He has his own battles he is struggling to triumph which you have no idea about. Everyone does even though they'll never tell you in a million years.

 

Stop comparing yourself to your friend or others. Sure, he's a ladies man but he's also busy sowing his wild oats and involved in superficial, shallow, meaningless, temporary relationships. Dig deeper and don't just observe the surface when you think of your friend or people in general.

 

He's flaky and unreliable. He cancels plans and cancels out on people which screams his disrespectful, disloyal, rude character. He is non-committal to everyone in his life. He's extremely SELFISH and self-centered. Why be jealous of a man who lacks integrity? Why be jealous of a man who lacks common decency and common courtesy?

 

Why would you be jealous of a disrespectful person? Who is the real POS now?

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Stop this nonsense competition. He doesn't even seem like a good friend if he's so flaky and would leave you hanging for women. Are you jealous of what? Of being a jerk?

 

You can get all the women in the world and still it won't measure up to going to sleep at night knowing you have integrity and self respect.

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Believe it or not I can actually 100% relate to how you feel! I used to always feel so incredibly jealous when I went anywhere with my best friend who is very pretty and guys would basically only hit on her. I'm actually pretty as well but I'm a chubby, whereas she is very slim and has a good body. While people may think it's lame to be jealous, I totally get it. It feels horrible to be in this position.

 

I still continued the friendship with my best friend because I wouldn't say that she was rubbing it in my face or bragging. And she never flakes on me, she's very reliable.

 

Sorry but I gotta say that I don't think that your friend is actually a good friend to you or maybe even a good guy. I feel a bit torn in saying he's a bad guy in general just because he's a "player" with women. I guess if he's single and he's upfront with them that he's just looking for some fun then he's not exactly doing anything wrong. However as a woman, I have been hurt and led on by player guys before and I guess I just have a bit of a bad opinion of them for that reason.

 

Anyway, that aside, he is not a good friend to you. A good friend wouldn't just ditch you on your own just because he's talking to girls. He would ask you to join that group of girls too. And bailing on you often and even at the last minute just because he found a girl is not on.

 

You were giving him free concert tickets and he made a commitment to you to go to that concert. Then he ditched you just for some Tinder hookup? He's willing to just stand up a close friend for someone off Tinder he doesn't even know? And if he gets a lot of girls anyway then why dump you just for a hookup? I reckon he's selfish and he doesn't even care about your friendship that much. His behaviour is so rude.

 

Personally I would start distancing myself from him. You should probably even tell him the truth about his behaviour.

 

Regarding the jealousy part. I know that in a night club or bar, girls might go for your friend more because he's a charming "casanova" type. I think that maybe you should avoid going clubbing with him if your jealousy if getting bad. Try to meet girls just through online dating or in real life but without your friend there.

 

I met my fiance through friends. He said he is not even that attracted to my best friend because he loves blondes and I'm blonde and she's not. My fiance says he doesn't mind I'm overweight and thinks my face is really cute and loves my blonde hair. So what I'm saying is that there is someone out there for everyone and girls will like you too. But you gotta be in non shallow environments because in bars and clubs people only care about looks and charm because they're just trying to hook up most likely.

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He's flaky and unreliable. He cancels plans and cancels out on people which screams his disrespectful, disloyal, rude character. He is non-committal to everyone in his life. He's extremely SELFISH and self-centered. Why be jealous of a man who lacks integrity? Why be jealous of a man who lacks common decency and common courtesy?

 

All of this. There is a saying that goes “You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with”... I can speak from experience when I say this is 1000% true. His energy seems to be bringing out the worst in you which is why you are unhappy, and perhaps why women are put off... they aren't seeing you in your best light.

 

You sound like a guy with some self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and my guess is if you spent time with people that brought out the best in you, that you will find yourself a lot happier and more confident... which will ultimately make you more attractive without even trying.

 

Of course the other side of this is... you need to be true to who you are no matter who you are with. Don't let some inconsiderate a$$hole dim your light.

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Your friends are your future. Surround yourself with people who know how to treat others with respect, empathy and dignity. At the end of the day, it's all about character and healthy influences on you.

 

Think about lifestyle. Be with people who are stable, honorable and worth admiring because you'll emulate them.

 

Birds of a feather flock together.

 

Beware of charm because it's fake and phony as heck. Charm = pretentious behavior.

 

Change the way you think and your jealous feelings will disappear. Put your life into perspective. Know the difference between good people and not so good people. Choose the former and not the latter.

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He is not a good guy if he flakes and blows you off for women. He does not respect you, your friendship, or time. He is very selfish.

 

I suggest that you hang out with better quality people. Stop allowing people too treat you like this.

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Thanks for the responses everyone. He is absolutely selfish when women are on his mind, the guy has a drive and can't think straight at times because of it. He doesn't disrespect women or necessarily 'plays' them, he has a code where he is up front with them if it's a hookup or whatever. The guy just loves getting his V too much that it makes him stupid at times.

 

The problem is that we work together now. I've been distancing myself lately by not talking to him as much and joking around less and talking more work-related, and I think he's noticed, but I'm not sure how to go about that conversation of telling him that I think he's a flake and doesn't respect the friendship if he asks. It's a good job as well as a dangerous one, sometimes we work side by side and I don't really want to make things awkward or hostile at work either if he takes it the wrong way and tells me to F off. If we weren't working together then I would definitely tell him off.

Is it best to just keep to myself until he asks? Or should I fake it and act like we're still friends, but not accepting any of the invites to hangout or even start flaking back?

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Thanks for the responses everyone. He is absolutely selfish when women are on his mind, the guy has a drive and can't think straight at times because of it. He doesn't disrespect women or necessarily 'plays' them, he has a code where he is up front with them if it's a hookup or whatever. The guy just loves getting his V too much that it makes him stupid at times.

 

The problem is that we work together now. I've been distancing myself lately by not talking to him as much and joking around less and talking more work-related, and I think he's noticed, but I'm not sure how to go about that conversation of telling him that I think he's a flake and doesn't respect the friendship if he asks. It's a good job as well as a dangerous one, sometimes we work side by side and I don't really want to make things awkward or hostile at work either if he takes it the wrong way and tells me to F off. If we weren't working together then I would definitely tell him off.

Is it best to just keep to myself until he asks? Or should I fake it and act like we're still friends, but not accepting any of the invites to hangout or even start flaking back?

 

Well if you want to tell him you don't appreciate his behaviour then you don't necessarily have to say it in a rude or aggressive way. You could just say: "Hey man, I gotta be honest, I don't enjoy hanging out with you as much anymore because you keep flaking on me at the last minute." And see what he says. If he realises and apologises then you could try giving him another chance.

 

But if he doesn't think there is anything wrong with it then maybe you should just consider distancing yourself for good. It's just that what exactly can you get out of this friendship? It makes you feel terrible to go out with him and he ditches you to go talk to girls. Same thing when you have plans, he ditches you for girls. Good friends do not do that. And especially when it's just someone off Tinder he's never even met. To leave you hanging alone at that concert with such short notice tells me that he's quite self-centered and doesn't care about you or your friendship. You don't need people like that, you can do better. And really you can see that he's always just looking out only for himself and once he finds girls you're not even in the picture anymore. Like, at bars he could maybe even wingman you a bit, but he just leaves you behind.

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Thanks for the responses everyone. He is absolutely selfish when women are on his mind, the guy has a drive and can't think straight at times because of it. He doesn't disrespect women or necessarily 'plays' them, he has a code where he is up front with them if it's a hookup or whatever. The guy just loves getting his V too much that it makes him stupid at times.

 

The problem is that we work together now. I've been distancing myself lately by not talking to him as much and joking around less and talking more work-related, and I think he's noticed, but I'm not sure how to go about that conversation of telling him that I think he's a flake and doesn't respect the friendship if he asks. It's a good job as well as a dangerous one, sometimes we work side by side and I don't really want to make things awkward or hostile at work either if he takes it the wrong way and tells me to F off. If we weren't working together then I would definitely tell him off.

Is it best to just keep to myself until he asks? Or should I fake it and act like we're still friends, but not accepting any of the invites to hangout or even start flaking back?

 

He's a player and playing the field. Let him do whatever he wants. It's his life.

 

Since you work together, remain polite, well-mannered respectful, act natural, professional yet refrain from getting chummy. Know where to draw the line. Treat him with respect should you converse but keep it brief. You don't have to be hostile. Be kind but enforce healthy boundaries with him.

 

Politely decline getting together with him. Do this several times until he can take a hint. If he asks you direct questions as to why, be honest and tell the truth while being kind. Say, "No thank you. And you're always leaving me in the lurch." You don't have to lie nor make excuses for yourself. He needs to respect your wishes and preferences not to be with him. If he pressures you to say more, say, "Because I don't feel like it." If I feel like being kind, my answers are generic and no means no. Avoid heated arguments and discord especially because he's your co-worker. Since he's your co-worker, think of awkwardness during the week. Keep a cool head and don't get emotional. Be matter of fact. Keep a lid on it and don't fight.

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Spend less time obsessing about what he does. It's his life and he's doing his own thing. I've got a feeling this guy wouldn't care if you stopped hanging out with him and neither should he. Let him live his life and you go live yours. You don't need to spend time around this person if you're so easily annoyed with him.

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You get to do whatever you want, and if that's to make yourself miserable over your friend's behaviors, then that's not against the law. Another option might be to reassess which of friend's qualities you actually find admirable, and decide whether you'd really want to adopt any of those for yourself. If so, then there's your answer, and if not, then what's to be miserable about?

 

As for getting sidelined in favor of friend's other pursuits, I'd personally skip teaching friend that that's okay. Instead, I'd widen my own scope of friendships and stop banking on the reliability of a friend who's proven to be unreliable. I'd avoid pursuing plans with this particular friend, and if he ever wants to schedule plans with you that don't involve an investment, such as buying tickets, then I'd accept the offer but build a backup plan for myself and count on my backup plan to be the thing I'll actually be doing with my time. Meanwhile, I'd cultivate the new friendships I've found into more and more of my focus, and I'd make fewer and fewer plans with he friend who doesn't really add what I'd call 'joy' to my life.

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