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Thread: I am uncomfortable with my husband"s female friends

  1. #11
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    I forgot to add also that no offence but if your husband works two jobs, he must be very tired. I would be too if I worked two jobs. Actually, I do work two jobs lol Him sleeping is obviously trying to get some rest and him playing video games is his down time. My fiance has bad depression and anxiety and works four days a week. Often at home he will also nap, watch a lot of YouTube to relax or play video games. I know it might seem like it's all your husband does but it's his free time and it doesn't sound like he has much spare time. He does have to take care of his daughter too.

    To me it does sound like apart from your husband you actually don't have much going on in your life. So you really notice when he's talking to friends or doing his hobbies, like playing video games. Do you have anything to do in your free time? Any interests to pursue? No offence but it does seem to me like you actually are a bit unapproachable. Maybe your husband was hoping you would also be friends with these women because you don't have any friends? Instead you are angry at them.

    You said to him that you should be friends with couples instead. OK so are you going to make an effort to meet those couples for friendship? What are YOU going to do about the situation?

    Your husband probably has some problems around social norms, e.g. letting you know that a friend is coming along. However it could be that he was getting along well with these women and he hoped you would be friends with them too. Because you did say one of them called you to ask where he is. If she didn't want to associate with you, she would not be calling you too. This trip organised to the wonderland was for all of you, his friends and you. I understand you can't go on the rides but maybe they did that for the children? Because the children are also coming.

    I feel like if you're not trying to make your own friends or provide alternatives for activities or alternative friends then you can't just expect your husband to have nobody either. He has only been in Canada four years and it's very hard to make friends as adults. Maybe he tried to be friends with men but it just didn't happen that way.

  2. #12
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    It seems to me that maybe your husband thinks that there is no issue because he probably hasn't cheated and he always tells you (albeit last minute): "This is my female friend such and such" and introduces her to you. He has not actually hidden these female friends from you and you have met them many times. You said that you do see that there is nothing happening between them and he is holding your hand in front of them to show he's with you, etc. I would say that your husband has not cheated or is into these friends because if he was, he would most likely hide them from you. When someone doesn't hide anything I would think he actually does only like them as friends.

    Maybe I'm only saying all this because of my own opinions but I don't think a therapist should just tell you what to do and to leave the marriage. I thought therapists were meant to be impartial?

    I think to be honest that the fact that you have no friends is making you feel even more jealous that your husband has these female friends. I think you really need to somehow start making friends of your own.


    Point taken that he is introducing them, but if he has been friends with someone for 2 years and the only time she was ever mentioned was when piling into their car -- that's weird. My guy knows about the main people i interact with as customers or as colleagues because i casually mention them "x asked me to cover for them, this customer from last year came back..." even if he has never met them. They exist before the "last minute". So he simply has a face to put with a name when he does meet them - if he does (obviously there are people he may never cross paths with as well, especially if i know them from telecommuting)

    I think its less about cheating per se and more about compartmentalizing his different worlds, and his wife is not really included. The fact that there are no male friends to even it out would make me give pause.

    I have few close friends - but am introverted and happy being alone. I like spending time luxuriating in my solitude and i do have a couple of friends, but 2 live out of state and we chat on the phone. If that is her, then a lack of friends is not what is setting her off.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    It seems to me that maybe your husband thinks that there is no issue because he probably hasn't cheated and he always tells you (albeit last minute): "This is my female friend such and such" and introduces her to you. He has not actually hidden these female friends from you and you have met them many times. You said that you do see that there is nothing happening between them and he is holding your hand in front of them to show he's with you, etc. I would say that your husband has not cheated or is into these friends because if he was, he would most likely hide them from you. When someone doesn't hide anything I would think he actually does only like them as friends.

    Maybe I'm only saying all this because of my own opinions but I don't think a therapist should just tell you what to do and to leave the marriage. I thought therapists were meant to be impartial?

    I think to be honest that the fact that you have no friends is making you feel even more jealous that your husband has these female friends. I think you really need to somehow start making friends of your own.


    Point taken that he is introducing them, but if he has been friends with someone for 2 years and the only time she was ever mentioned was when piling into their car -- that's weird. My guy knows about the main people i interact with as customers or as colleagues because i casually mention them "x asked me to cover for them, this customer from last year came back..." even if he has never met them. They exist before the "last minute". So he simply has a face to put with a name when he does meet them - if he does (obviously there are people he may never cross paths with as well, especially if i know them from telecommuting)

    I think its less about cheating per se and more about compartmentalizing his different worlds, and his wife is not really included. The fact that there are no male friends to even it out would make me give pause.

    I have few close friends - but am introverted and happy being alone. I like spending time luxuriating in my solitude and i do have a couple of friends, but 2 live out of state and we chat on the phone. If that is her, then a lack of friends is not what is setting her off.
    So yes I agree, I think that some things were weird. To me personally it just seems like that was rudeness/lack of manners/lack of social awareness. Of course if you're going to invite any friend along, you need to tell your partner. Also giving the colleague a lift all the time is just a nuisance and inconvenience. Those things go even if the friends are male. I'm just trying to think of different reasons as to why the husband is only friends with these two females but no males. I think sometimes we can't exactly control who we get along with.

    For example, I did a community college course and out of all the people in the course, the only close friend I made was a guy. We just got along well and we are not into each other, we like each other only for platonic friendship. He's my best friend of 8.5 years. I'm just thinking if I just arrived in the country and was doing that course and my boyfriend said "Why did you make friends with only a male?" That would literally only be because I just didn't click or connect with the females in that class. In fact I remember one of them being quite catty.

    The thing is that if OP was to say to her husband to only be friends with men and stop friendship with these two women, then he would have no friends. They are his only friends. Sure he can try to befriend men but what if there is just no connection with the men he's met? Also he has a daughter who literally just arrived in Canada and she has zero friends too. The woman "Sarah" has a son so maybe the husband is also trying to find companionship for his daughter.

    I think if OP wants to hang out with other people then she'd need to provide the friendship of other people, but she has no friends herself.

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