I found out some dark things after (21 F) breaking up with my (24 M) boyfriend

Hi all,

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 months due to his lack of commitment, porn addiction, selfishness, perfectionism, superficiality, and overall immaturity. The reason why I even dated him in the first place was because he showed that he really cared about me and wanted to make things work - he even started going to therapy and life coaching sessions to figure himself out so we could be together. However, I realized that this relationship wasn't going anywhere and a lot of the issues he had stemmed from some deep-rooted trauma or maybe was just part of who he was.

After our breakup, he met up with a mutual friend to find closure. This mutual friend relayed everything my now, ex, said to him:

- Throughout the entire relationship, my ex was secretly wishing for an open relationship. He would constantly compare me to other women and believed that there were better opportunities out there - but he never acted on these thoughts because he felt horrible for thinking that way and wanted to love me to the best of his ability.

- He wants to marry me, but not date me. He wants to get all of his experimenting and dating out of the way first.

- Whenever we were sexually intimate, there were times where he would call out an old high school crush's name in his head. Apparently this was "out of his control," and made him feel super ty and guilty afterwards.

And:

- Despite all of the things above, he kept emphasizing that I was the only girl he's met that he wanted to try so hard for. He truly cared about me and wanted to make me happy and be the person I needed him to be. He said that he would like to be in a relationship with me again in the future, if possible.

I know that these things shouldn't reflect on my worth as a person, but I've never felt so damn hurt before. As someone who is VERY monogamous, I am so angry that he didn't communicate these things to me beforehand - if I had known, I wouldn't even get involved with him in the first place. I'm not sure how I should process this moving on or how I can ever get over something like this. I can't forgive him.

I'm sorry for the lick of pain.

Honestly, the thing I would be processing right now is what kind of friend you have to relay all that. Uncool. Unneeded. Not cool to you, not cool to your ex. Not very friendly.

I know it's hard to see at the moment, but what he expressed is pretty human. In short, he really cared about you, really wanted it to work, but wasn't in the right head and heartspace. He's probably just beginning to understand that—that's his processing things—and that's all he was conveying to the friend, talking out loud in the same way we write in a private journal.

He was monogamous and faithful. None of this changes that. He was also a human, and humans are complex, sometimes in ways that make connecting and sustaining a relationship impossible. That was the case before you heard all this, and it remains the case today. If you can see it like that, rather than all this as something to forgive, I think you're own processing will be smoother.

I'd also stay away from this friend for a good while.

I can sure see how this would be hurtful! Wow! But good for you for realizing that you needed a change.

Some food for thought:

1. As much as it sucks to hear this, you are both VERY young, and vulnerable, and still finding yourselves. He is not ready for commitment.

2. It sounds like he does very much care for and love you. Perhaps due to his being so young, he feels like he hasn't experienced much.

3. Four months is not a very long time. It can be hard for some people to fully be comfortable in that short span.

You do need to forgive him so that you can let go of him. That might take some time. But you can do it. You don't have to be with him in the future. Simply let him go. And then, enjoy yourself! You are young and free! Be careful, but have fun!

You need new friends, OP.

I have no idea why this person felt the need to share these things with you.

Sorry to hear this. This friend is not neutral nor a friend, so pay no attention to hearsay. Be glad you're free and found out about all these incompatibilities after only 20 weeks of dating.

He may be messed up, need therapy whatever, but the bottom line is he's not your problem anymore. Delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Avoid friends who have nothing better to do than gossip and meddle.

Next time when there are this many incompatibilities, cut your losses sooner and don't get this involved until you know what you're dealing with. Try to date more like-minded guys. Dating should never be a project or crusade or social work.

I'm 20 years old. My ex-boyfriend is 24 years old. We've been together for 5 months, arguing on and off for two primary reasons:

1) He is unemotional and often times rude and impatient with me.

2) His mom is a devout Christian and is opposed to him dating me because of a prophecy told by some pastor, so I literally have no way to spend time or hang out with his family without getting ripped on

Therapy and life-coaching sessions seem a bit intense. What other issues did he have in his own life? I would take this all with a pinch of salt and agree with the others about hearsay and not cool regarding the "mutual friend". I'm afraid you were involved with someone who had other things going on.

I would look at the silver lining. His problems are not your problems anymore because it is over. It was four months of eye-opening experiences and now it is firmly and completely over. You do not need to forgive someone like that. What you should be doing is forgiving yourself for trusting someone who was so incompatible with you. Take ownership for the nose dive and start climbing higher. If you continue to sit in a position of entitlement (he owes you an apology and you need to forgive him), you're placing the control stick in his hands. You're not flying your own plane. Start moving out of that mindset and take control of your own life and learn to let this roll off your back.

This mutual "friend" could be making all of it up for some twisted agenda of their own.

Regardless, time to get better friends.

You need new friends, OP.

 

I have no idea why this person felt the need to share these things with you.

Seriously!

his lack of commitment, porn addiction, selfishness, perfectionism, superficiality, and overall immaturity.

Since you already knew all of this about him, what's to close with gossip disguised as 'closure', and why would anything such a guy would say or do surprise you?

When someone is too toxic to see an appreciate your unique value, then why would you not consider that to speak of his limitations rather than of any reflection on you?

Head high, and don't internalize the deficiencies of anyone else unless it's to teach yourself that you deserve better.