Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: Fed up

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,214
    What current treatment is he receiving for his depression?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,626
    Gender
    Female
    I agree with Billie's points. Sometimes when parenting putting up a united front is not easy especially if one child favours one parent over the other or feels he/she will receive more sympathy from one rather than the other. Although it's a bit difficult having to care for both your husband and your children and he does need to seek treatment for his depression, I don't think he should have shouted at your daughter because that creates a fear-based relationship. A relationship that begins and only knows fear (fear-based responses) is not healthy. That child is learning how to treat others or treatment of others and also developing difficult attachment styles that can affect her in the long term and her future relationships with others.

    It does seem like your husband is reacting out of frustration and resentment towards you and I'm not aware of depression causing bouts of aggression and shouting. Maybe this is part and parcel of something else. Either way leave this to a professional and if both of you need a second opinion, get a second opinion and encourage him to seek treatment.

    In the midst of all this, don't forget to take care of yourself too and practice some healthy R & R, no matter how short or silly you may think it is. It's easy for resentments to build especially when there's a grown adult vs children in the picture.

  3. #13

    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    4
    To answer some questions.
    I work, he doesn't
    He has tried several different meds over the years and is receiving treatment for his depression.
    He has had CBT therapy but hasn't helped. Counselling isn't available for free and we can't afford it as I have suggested it in the past. He is open to getting help has rang many helplines etc but aside from suggesting yoga or mindfulness they aren't much help.

    Yes the iPad was loud and this is one thing that does affect him, being in crowded places, noisy places out and about he will get angry easily at the noise. I don't excuse the behaviour because of his depression I simply said that I have said to him that I shouldn't accept it just because he has depression.

    In the past I haven't just accepted apologies, He has left for days or weeks at a time and yes I've let him home as the kids miss him and I can't be assed with the grief.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16,357
    How old are your children?

    It's unfortunate for everyone, but it seems he is simply not in a position right now to be able to be a healthy partner to you nor and to be a full time parent.

    So children always come first. Perhaps you brainstorm ideas of a situation where he can provide the kids with the kind of parenting they deserve. Maybe that means he needs to not be there full time and so he can give them his best.
    I know it's not what you signed up for. I'm sure when you got married and had kids together, it was with the understanding you'd have a teammate and partner and you wouldn't feel like you are doing so much on your own, nevermind having to protect your children from his outbursts.
    But if these are his capabilities now, they are what they are. It's not healthy to try and force him to meet something he simply can not.

    Perhaps also if he was on his own, he would qualify for some assistance. I think it's be smart to look into other child care options besides him right away. Take the strain off him, off the kids, and you.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,520
    Originally Posted by Smarie15
    To answer some questions.
    I work, he doesn't
    He has tried several different meds over the years and is receiving treatment for his depression.
    He has had CBT therapy but hasn't helped. Counselling isn't available for free and we can't afford it as I have suggested it in the past. He is open to getting help has rang many helplines etc but aside from suggesting yoga or mindfulness they aren't much help.

    Yes the iPad was loud and this is one thing that does affect him, being in crowded places, noisy places out and about he will get angry easily at the noise. I don't excuse the behaviour because of his depression I simply said that I have said to him that I shouldn't accept it just because he has depression.

    In the past I haven't just accepted apologies, He has left for days or weeks at a time and yes I've let him home as the kids miss him and I can't be assed with the grief.
    Why is he not working?
    That in itself wouldnít be good for depression!!

    Has he ever got a second opinion on his diagnosis? Has he lasted a reasonable time on any of the meds? Enough to know if itís actually working or not?
    CBT he should try with a different psych. It can make a huge difference to have someone he is more imfortable with , more experienced with his situation etc

    If noise and noisy places are a trigger for him, it is best to avoid where possible.
    As I said, Iím not suggesting you walk on egg shells but you need to be on board with him getting better too.

    I think you are over compensating for his outbursts in front of the kids , cuddling them etc when he raises his voice. But really what you should try do is calmly say yes daughter the iPad is too noisy can you please turn it down.
    Your husband will then start to feel supported and next time perhaps not lose the plot?
    You both need to exercise the same discipline to your kids and there is a healthy way to do that. But if one is being too harsh and the other too soft it simply creates confusion for the child who will eventually learn to take advantage of that so that neither you or your husband have control.

    Sometimes depression can be used as an excuse for behaviour , other times itís actually not easily controlled by the affected person.

    I understand depression not only affects the affected person but those close to them too.
    Perhaps you could consider counselling on your own , get some insight on what to do?

  7. #16

    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    4
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Why is he not working?
    That in itself wouldnít be good for depression!!

    Has he ever got a second opinion on his diagnosis? Has he lasted a reasonable time on any of the meds? Enough to know if itís actually working or not?
    CBT he should try with a different psych. It can make a huge difference to have someone he is more imfortable with , more experienced with his situation etc

    If noise and noisy places are a trigger for him, it is best to avoid where possible.
    As I said, Iím not suggesting you walk on egg shells but you need to be on board with him getting better too.

    I think you are over compensating for his outbursts in front of the kids , cuddling them etc when he raises his voice. But really what you should try do is calmly say yes daughter the iPad is too noisy can you please turn it down.
    Your husband will then start to feel supported and next time perhaps not lose the plot?
    You both need to exercise the same discipline to your kids and there is a healthy way to do that. But if one is being too harsh and the other too soft it simply creates confusion for the child who will eventually learn to take advantage of that so that neither you or your husband have control.

    Sometimes depression can be used as an excuse for behaviour , other times itís actually not easily controlled by the affected person.

    I understand depression not only affects the affected person but those close to them too.
    Perhaps you could consider counselling on your own , get some insight on what to do?
    Yes he has tried four different meds now over the last 3.5 years, he's been on for months at a time, the first he had bad side effect of muscle stiffness the second made his mood even worse and then he got muscle stiffness of them too, the third gave him bad anxiety attacks so yes now on citalopram which doctor said is the best one for anxiety.

    He doesn't work due to the anxiety as he couldn't leave my house, it got to a point where he would be sick all morning, then when it was time to leave would not physically be able to step off the doorstep, he would shake sweat shortness of breath etc. He managed to get an old job back but they fired him as he was using machinery and he was constantly getting shakes and anxiety attacks at work. This has all created that thought process of nobody will hire me etc. He's lost several jobs due to this so his self esteem in that respect just doesn't exist anymore.

    I do sometimes agree with him in terms of the kids and I do struggle with this at times I will try and do what you suggested with agreeing and not kind of going against what he is saying to them.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,520
    Originally Posted by Smarie15
    Yes he has tried four different meds now over the last 3.5 years, he's been on for months at a time, the first he had bad side effect of muscle stiffness the second made his mood even worse and then he got muscle stiffness of them too, the third gave him bad anxiety attacks so yes now on citalopram which doctor said is the best one for anxiety.

    He doesn't work due to the anxiety as he couldn't leave my house, it got to a point where he would be sick all morning, then when it was time to leave would not physically be able to step off the doorstep, he would shake sweat shortness of breath etc. He managed to get an old job back but they fired him as he was using machinery and he was constantly getting shakes and anxiety attacks at work. This has all created that thought process of nobody will hire me etc. He's lost several jobs due to this so his self esteem in that respect just doesn't exist anymore.

    I do sometimes agree with him in terms of the kids and I do struggle with this at times I will try and do what you suggested with agreeing and not kind of going against what he is saying to them.
    Muscle stiffness? The lesser of 2 evils?
    It sounds like his anxiety is causing him to read up on occasional side affects and he believes he suffers them despite maybe not?

    Citalopram is first and foremost an anti depressant. It has reduced anxiety in those with mild anxiety. His is not mild!
    He needs beta blockers!

    I feel very sorry for him because it seems his anxiety has been overlooked by probably whatís lesser , depression.

    He needs to go back to his GP for anxiety first and foremost which is likely the cause of his depression. Not the other way around!

    Depression can be debilitating but anxiety even moreso.

  9. #18

    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    4
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Muscle stiffness? The lesser of 2 evils?
    It sounds like his anxiety is causing him to read up on occasional side affects and he believes he suffers them despite maybe not?

    Citalopram is first and foremost an anti depressant. It has reduced anxiety in those with mild anxiety. His is not mild!
    He needs beta blockers!

    I feel very sorry for him because it seems his anxiety has been overlooked by probably whatís lesser , depression.

    He needs to go back to his GP for anxiety first and foremost which is likely the cause of his depression. Not the other way around!

    Depression can be debilitating but anxiety even moreso.
    He never read about side effects, he went to doctors with this and that's what the doctor had said it was due to the meds. He's been to doctor for anxiety and he said the meds he's on are best for anxiety and to just carry on and persevere

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,520
    Originally Posted by Smarie15
    He never read about side effects, he went to doctors with this and that's what the doctor had said it was due to the meds. He's been to doctor for anxiety and he said the meds he's on are best for anxiety and to just carry on and persevere
    You do realise that GPís are people that studied medicine but failed to specialise?

    Citalopram is NOT an anti anxiety med.

    Your husband is not receiving appropriate treatment. He needs to change GP.
    And when he finally is properly treated he should complain to the health authorities in your country about this!

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,384
    Gender
    Male
    Yes take whatever advice his personal physicians suggest. He is the patient they are his doctors who have examined him. His treatment plan is personal and confidential and only for him and his physician to determine. All you can do id set up better boundaries and take care of you your own physical and mental health.
    Originally Posted by Smarie15
    He's been to doctor for anxiety and he said the meds he's on are best for anxiety and to just carry on and persevere

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •