My fiance left me.

Hi everyone,

I wanted some advice regarding my recent relationship. I have been on here many times when looking for advice and support and found you all so helpful and honest and I need that at this moment in time. I am almost 34 and been with my partner for three years. We are engaged to be married and have a wedding booked for next year.

So I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I have been with my partner for just over three years. He moved into my house (I bought it just before we met) after around 10 months of dating. When we met he was in some financial difficulty due to a job loss he had experienced and having very little family support. By financial difficulty I mean that he had taken out some pay day loans in the past and the repayments were impacting upon him. He was also renting a house and struggling to manage payments. He has had a number of relationship breakdowns in the past. He has a history of living a various addresses and moving from place to place. People that have known him a long time have commented that he is a little reckless and he has had a pattern of losing his home due to relationship breakdowns.

Long and short of it is that we had some tough times at the start in our relationship where he had been dishonest with me about further debts he was facing (due to pride). He often became defensive when challenged and this would result in a big argument and him leaving me for a a few days. These arguments occurred a number of times and have been very volatile, lots of shouting, crying and hurt. I struggled to trust him after this and things were hard but we worked through these difficulties and he has gotten himself on his feet and financially he is now in a good place and has a good job. I worked through the anxieties I had about his financial troubles although admittedly I did give him a very hard time and this caused us lots of problems. He managed to save money and I then trusted him surrounding money and I no longer had anxieties about this.

I supported him by allowing him not to pay too much to live with me at the start of the relationship and helped him to get a better paid job. I also supported him by contacting the loan companies to claim irresponsible lending and got him compensation for this. He is now on his feet financially and seemed to be making great progress.

In March this year I found a message to a girl on his phone that he has previously slept with calling her a smouldering hot babe. I confronted him and he was very sorry however this really upset me. H explained that it was harmless and that he would never cheat on me physically. I have never had any concerns of this nature previously.

Lately he has been emotionally distant with me and there had been an incident where I had not been entirely honest with him about my recent struggles with money (nothing big, I just couldn't afford to pay as much into the joint account due to starting a new job which had been paying less money however I had not spoken with him about this which upon reflection was wrong). He earns over £1500 a month more than me and we usually pay 50/50).He lost it with m e and told me that I had been dishonest with him and that I had 'punished' him for his previous mistakes around money and that what I had done was just as bad. He started to question my abilities to manage finances and said that I did not appear to be able to manage my own finances as I had spent 'his' money and 'stolen' from him to buy things for the house (such as new flooring, new kitchen etc).

I sat down and spoke with him and was completely honest about money and apologised and said that this would never occur again. I told him that I was committed to making the relationship work and that I saw us having a happy future together. We have since spoken about the future and about buying a house together and everything seemed to be moving forwards.

He bought up other issues and stated that he did not trust me with money and that I had not been very understanding about his 12 year old daughter. Despite this, I have a good relationship with her and I care for her greatly. He expected me to love her like she is my own and I was unable to do this but said that I did care for her but not as a mother would as she is not mine. She has a room in my house and we often go shopping and do nice things together. She has recently become more difficult due to her age.

We have been at logger heads since this time really. He has continued to be emotionally distant from me and despite me trying to make things more fun and loving he has not made the same attempts. I have had this overwhelming feeling that he is unhappy with me and that he would leave. We have continued to be intimate and have had some lovely times over the past month. We have also booked flights to visit a friend in Australia in December which he paid me for and we were discussing very openly. We have also had conversations days before him leaving me about our upcoming holiday and booking a hire car.

I came home yesterday from work after speaking with him during the day to find that he had taken every single one of his belongings and left me a letter stating that he had decided to leave due to the arguing we have had which has been volatile and that despite working at it, things are not getting any better. He stated that he loved me dearly but that he had to go to be okay.

Within the letter he talks about how much he still loves me and how this is the hardest decision he has ever has to make. He talks about not being able to make me happy and that I am the best person he has ever met and ever had a relationship with. He says that he believes that this is the only option for us both to be okay.

As far as I am aware, he has taken his belongings to his sisters home. I have tried to call him but he is not responding. I have sent him an email explaining how this has made me feel. He has read this but not contacted me.

I am beside myself with grief at the loss of this relationship and also at the way in which he has done this. He has not contacted me or checked that I am okay. He still has keys to the house. When I spoke to him in the day I told him I was looking forward to the weekend and he advised that he was too. I am so confused by this and cannot understand why he would leave in this way. He stated he had no option other than to go when I was not there.

I am completely blaming myself, looking back at old messages, thinking that perhaps I was too hard on him and perhaps I needed to be kinder. I also worry that perhaps I did not notice that he was so unhappy (as he never told me he was going to leave if things did not improve) and maybe I went on at him too much. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am so sad about losing my future and I miss him dearly.

Should I send him an email to explain how I am feeling again? To apologise for my part in the breakdown? Surely if he does love me, he will realise that the grass is not greener and return? I find it so difficult to come to terms with the fact that I was making him so unhappy that he left to now be homeless and have to explain to his daughter that he has left me. I feel like I have had no opportunity to express my views and discuss things. I cannot stop beating myself up about me not trying harder.

Please can anyone offer any words of advice or guidance?

Thanks,

J x

I think he's a coward for just leaving like that and explaining it in a note.

I also think you need to change the locks on your door as soon as possible. There's probably more going on than he's admitting. He's probably talking and/or meeting another woman, and he used the arguing as an excuse to move on.

It's awfully nervy of him to complain about your lack of finances when you carried him for so long. You're well rid of him. Don't call him or apologize. It's not your fault. If he's homeless, let him deal with it.

I am so sorry you are going through this....but please don't contact him. Try to resist this and please don't beat yourself over it. Don't blame yourself.

He must have prepared this for a bit....let him do what he wants to do. Let him think about it and feel how looks actual life without you.

Change the locks.

At first he will feel relief but soon after he will see things for what they are... Don't interrupt this process.

If he is to come back,let him do at his on choice since he made choice to leave.

Be strong ...xx

Yes I have some thoughts.

Please do not blame yourself and do not contact him!

HE is the one who wanted out and has for awhile.

His attempt to blame you is him gaslighting you, to alleviate his guilt about suddenly dumping you (sorry to be so blunt).

But it's true, and it's total bs.

He is also a huge coward, I mean leaving you a letter?

He feels so guilty, he just couldn't face you, which is inexcusable imo.

So so lame, you can't go much lower.

Gosh, I am so sorry this happened (big virtual hug, been there), but better to know his true and extremely poor character now than after marriage.

Please don't harbor notions of him returning, getting back together.

Doubtful it will ever happen, and frankly why would you want to marry a man like this anyway?

Try and stay strong and hang in, time heals and I am speaking from experience.

Take care, and post here for support or if you ever need to vent.

So sorry to hear about all this.

Nothing I, or anyone, can say right now will temper the waves of feeling that are coursing through you, and still to come. You'll blame yourself, you'll hate him. Then you'll blame yourself again, then hate him more. That's how breakups go—and the worse the breakup (and this is bad) the bigger those waves.

But try to hang on to some logic in that storm—make that, no him, your anchor. The man you just described? Very bad character. The way he's chosen to end things, while extreme, actually seems to just fit into the way he handles hard things in life—which is to say, very poorly. This is bad friend material, bad boyfriend material, bad partner material, and really bad husband material.

Hard as it is to believe at this moment, I think you're better off, at this very second, than you've been in years.

So, no—no more emails. No more texts. New locks on the doors. That's the healthy and loving response to this—as it is looking out for the person who needs your love the most right now: yourself. He is a hindrance to that love, and has been for some time. And after what he just did, on top of the texting other women, the financial recklessness, impropriety, and deceit? This isn't something you come back from and build a home atop. Put anything of weight on a foundation like this and it cracks and crumbles, as you've discovered many times with him over the years.

If I had to bet? You'll hear from him sooner than later. This is a grown man who does not know how to stand on his own feet. Right now he has something else propping him up—his sister, someone he's texting with, or maybe the faintest whiff of financial independence that he wouldn't have been able to achieve without you. That will all crack sooner than later, because that's who he is, and when it does he's likely to reach out. Use this time to build up the strength you need to meet that moment with the response he deserves: silence, a closed door with new locks.

Again, I'm sorry for your pain. There is a much better person for you in the world than this man—and, right now, there is someone who is in deep need of your love and strength. That person is you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, JLove2019.

No, don't send him an email or emails. No need to explain. It's like beating a dead horse. It's over.

First of all, he wasn't "man enough" to leave face-to-face. He left you a letter which is cowardly and shameful. That's a huge mark of disrespect right there.

Don't blame yourself. I agree with others. You financially supported him for so long, he took advantage and engaged in classic gaslighting. I've heard gaslighting a million times in my lifetime. Now that life is finally on the financial upswing for him, he has more to offer other women such as the "smoldering hot babe." Ever since he was back on his feet, he found it convenient to dump you. Dump him back! Kick him out!

I agree with others, change your locks. Don't fret anymore. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He will not be homeless nor living on the streets. Let him figure out where to live and how to survive. It's his problem, not yours. Good riddance to him!

His leaving you was a blessing in disguise! Wake up! Look at the silver lining in all this! Count your blessings! Count your lucky stars that he left!

He actually did you a huge favor by leaving you. Get rid of the bum.

(nothing big, I just couldn't afford to pay as much into the joint account due to starting a new job which had been paying less money

I'm so very sorry he's left you thinking that you are the bad guy here. I think that he is a coward and a failure at relationships (as per his history of not keeping one together). I do hope you feel better soon and during your healing you realize that you are better off without someone that appeared to be quite happy with you while you floated him out of his financial obligations and then left as soon as he was free and clear of those obligations.

Please nurture yourself, know that you are a good person (he is not) and rely on your friends and family to support your through these initial stages of grief. It will get better but it you need help with the anxiety and pain then see your doctor for a mild anti-anxiety pill so you can start to eat and function day to day relatively normally.

Hugs.

I'm sorry but I couldn't help rolling my eyes reading your post. This guy is a broke loser, a leech, a cheater and a liar. He clearly has anger issues too if you guys are having yelling fights and the cowardly behaviour is just the icing on top of this disaster. You are incredibly lucky to be rid of him and it is shocking you're thinking of apologising! Talk about scraping on the bottom of the barrel.

Please work on yourself, it's clear you lack self esteem because I don't know how anyone would tolerate such a guy. I mean take every red flag and dump it into a bin, mix it and you get him as the final product.

Aim higher please, let's stop digging underground. :l

How many times have you heard about the wife who worked for years to pay her husband's way through medical school, only for him to leave her as soon as he gets his practice going? Or the man who worked to pay for his wife's college tuition only for her to leave him for a fellow student?

Sadly, this is about his character. He doesn't "need" you anymore, so he discards you.

Please don't write him any more emails apologizing (for what??) or explaining how hurt you are. If he's the person he's showing you he is, he won't respond.

A woman should never ever support a man financially!

Is there a link to your previous posts/other profile?

I have been on here many times when looking for advice and support and found you all so helpful and honest and I need that at this moment in time.

A woman should never ever support a man financially!

Dating, no.

But if they get married and they take turns going back to school or they decide its best he is Mr. Mom to a special needs child and she works full time and he has hobby income - yes..

^ yes, if it's a long term relationship and one person needs to support the other at times, that's okay. This situation isn't like that.

I am sorry this happened, OP.

He sounds incredibly irresponsible and reckless, when it comes to both managing his finances and having consideration for the feelings of his loved ones. His friends noted that his reckless nature had caused problems before; it seems he has not changed.

Him blowing up at you over your one financial goof-up? That is his guilt talking, and looking for a reason to dump you.

My guess, and you won't want to hear this, is that he is going to try to take up with this other woman he was caught flirting with. For all you know, that's where he is right now. What you saw in that message was probably only the tip of the iceberg, and he's been manufacturing distance and conflict with you since then to justify leaving you. Messages like that are not harmless, as they speak to a greater problem with dishonesty and disrespect within your relationship. It doesn't particularly matter if he'd never cheated physically. The intent behind secret communication like this is almost never innocent. He was playing with fire there, and he knows it.

Stop apologizing. Stop reaching out. I know it hurts like hell right now, but I honestly believe you have just dodged a lifetime of pain and unhappiness with this man. He is not husband material at all.

Personally to me it sounds like he was a gold digger. He was in a bad financial situation and he saw an opportunity to leech off you since you owned your own home. I think it's a bit rich that he told you off about his daughter when you did actually take her in and financially supported her too. That's considering it's not your child and she was nine years old already.

I think he got angry at you because he realised your finances aren't going as well as he hoped and he can't rely on you to bail him out of his debts. So once he realised that he just took off. You had a wedding planned and he just quickly leaves while you're out and just leaves a note. Pathetic.

He planned to leave. It wasn’t a random impulsive decision on his part that day. He played things out as if all was normal and ok so as not to arouse suspicion in you.

But he was looking for a way out and a way out that made him not look like the guilty party. Even his message saying he loves you but can’t make you happy is throwing the blame on you.

Never ever subsidise another’s life financially unless a firm commitment has been made. Moving in was a convenience for him not a commitment. It was easy, financially beneficial to him etc

Change the locks. Transfer the money out of the joint account into yours if able to , you can discuss what’s his portion later.

Sorry you are going through this. Don’t try contact him.

When ticks are done feeding, they drop off and wait for the next warm body and blood meal. You can't mother or fix anyone. Being a martyr and over-investing will leave you empty and depleted. You can't buy love. Parasites like this are shallow and are generally contemptuous of their victims, not grateful.

They enjoy the con, they enjoy taking you for a ride for all you've got. They view people who buy their bs as fools they tricked successfully. In their minds, it makes them winners rather than the losers they actually are. All you can do is get some sort term therapy to sort all this out, for damage control and to set things right going forward.

He bought up other issues and stated that he did not trust me with money and that I had not been very understanding about his 12 year old daughter. Despite this, I have a good relationship with her and I care for her greatly. He expected me to love her like she is my own and I was unable to do this but said that I did care for her but not as a mother would as she is not mine. She has a room in my house and we often go shopping and do nice things together. She has recently become more difficult due to her age.

If I were with someone who said this to me, it would be time for me to move on. As a woman who has no children of her own and isn't able to have children, I look forward to finding a man that does so that I can be part of their lives. In a mothering role. Not trying to take their mother's place at all, but being there to nurture and guide. And love.

How do you think this made him feel? He is a parent to this girl. He loves you enough to bring you into her life. You tell him you can't love her like she is yours? What happens when you and he have children? Do they get your love and she just gets to hang out? Imagine how he would feel if in his mind he heard "I truly love my own children, but not my stepchild, because she is not mine." Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't bolt right then.

I am not trying to be hard on you. Please don't mistake this as such. You clearly are having a very difficult time.

I hope he took his daughter also with him and she is in a safe place and you shouldn't be explaining anything to her about why he left you. If he left her too in your house, you will need to contact her next of kin and pull yourself together to make sure she's with family or safe.

Unfortunately if you are going to lay into someone pretty deep especially when it comes to financial responsibility or any other kind of responsibility, failing to measure against that same measuring stick you're holding just doesn't look good. For a relationship teetering on a lot of issues (a lot of them coming from him), it seems like this was enough to tip the scales. This is why it's generally a bad idea to try and fix anyone. Things started off on unstable ground and there wasn't really much to build upon. Every time either of you thought you could catch a break, there was wave after wave of uncertainty and distrust from third parties (other women/flirting), money issues, family and child-rearing, job stability... it's just non-stop with both of you.

I'd try letting go of this and don't internalize the loss so badly. Your self-esteem is unusually (extremely) low for someone who is successful in her job and happy with her home. Try going over all your reasons for being in a relationship again and be honest with yourself about what matters to you. I'd use the experiences here to keep learning and keep asking questions regarding your own long term happiness. Don't be afraid or feel immobilized by the end of this relationship. Keep moving and learning and learn to take the good with the bad. Turn things around in your mind and don't be afraid to poke holes in it and hold it up to the light and bounce it on the ground. You've discovered limits and you may find inspiration from this too eventually. Keep learning.