Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 27 of 27

Thread: Is it worth staying?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,426
    Originally Posted by Yellowviolet
    Lol just half the men on the planet. I like you, we should be friends. I used to be like this. Iíd have romantic flings a lot too. But now Iím in my mid thirties and I kind of want a kid which is another issue here. Iíd be happy as a single mother, but I donít like that idea as much as having a kid with a partner. Raising a kid looks hard and I wouldnít have a lot of help if I do it alone and I have a demanding job.

    When we got married I felt ready to ďsettle downĒ and have someone always there with me. He fit the bill. I suppose Iíve developed a codependency here and thatís part of why this is hard. Iíve been in one of two relationships with very little break between for the past 10 years now. I guess I can go back to independent fierce female but it will be a rocky transition.

    Iím trying not to give out too much identifying info but I also have chronic health issues. Dealing with that alone does scare me because sometimes I need someone else to pick up the slack.
    No I did not have a lot of romantic flings. Very very few. I had a number of serious, committed relationships where I had doubts that the person was the one and would have settled if we'd married with me feeling that way. So I didn't and as a result I took a long time to find the one, got in my own way a lot, and had to become the right person to find the right person. Just wanted to clarify. I don't think being ready to "settle down" is the whole picture -I think for me at least I wanted to be reasonably sure he was the right person and excited to marry him. No need to be an independent fierce female. Just be a person who lives his or her life. I am sorry about your chronic health issues!

    I too thought of single mother by choice when I was in my late 30s and exasperated with myself for being with "not quite right" men and wasting time. I considered it, talked to people who I trust and love -my mother, my sister, a few select friends, did some research too and discovered that for moral and ethical reasons as well as practical reasons I did not feel it would be fair to intentionally bring a child into this world without at least the really good chance of a stable two-parent family (and i am straight so that would mean a spouse). That's just me and the decision I came to. Practically speaking my mother was getting older and couldn't have helped much and I had no other family who could help in a significant way despite loving me and wanting what would be best for a child. Now that our son is 10 i cannot tell you how often I am so so grateful to have my husband, our child's father on every level -as a father, for logistical reasons, but mostly as a father, as my husband, as our family. It's so obvious to me how essential it is to our child to have his family. And that's even though my husband travels a lot and even though we tag team a lot where our child will be only with me or only with him so the other parent can get work done/shower, use the bathroom LOL. But he knows what he has. And I did have a post-birth medical condition that is not chronic and I also love that heaven forbid should one of us have a health issue (son is 10, we are in our 50s) we would at least have the other parent.

    Just my humble opinion. I just visited my friend yesterday with a serious chronic health condition and an underemployed husband and an 8 year old. It's so tough. HIs mother recently moved to our city to help. Not sure how else they could do this. And the father is an awesome person and dad. And still. Feel free to PM me if you like.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,623
    Gender
    Female
    Sorry have only skim read all the comments. I might be thinking a bit black and white here but if you don't love someone and you know you're just settling, why bother to get married? Why bother to do marriage counselling? I know that some people have this mindset that if they're struggling to find "the one", it's fine to just find "anyone". Even my mother told me to do that initially because I'm in my 30's.

    I think though that if you don't love the person and you know they're not right, you will not be able to fix it. This happened to my best friend where she just settled and she was with the guy 4.5 years but she was forcing herself to be with him. In the end she just couldn't do it and had to end it. So really it was a bit of a waste of time for both of them.

    Every minute longer you spend with your husband you are missing out on finding the right person. Who is probably still out there.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,420
    Originally Posted by Yellowviolet
    Hi all - thank you all for your help so far. Iím getting tears in my eyes that strangers on the internet are helping me. I deeply appreciate it.

    Iíve decided a few things:
    1 find a therapist and go
    2 I need to sit down and talk about our issues openly and tell him how I feel. Iím hoping a therapist can help prepare me for that.
    3 if he is unwilling to change, which is very likely, I will need to leave him. Iíll probably be back for support here, yaíll are awesome.

    I also want all of you to know that he doesnít ďyellĒ at me per say, but he does talk loudly and sound very annoyed often. He has never and will never physically abuse me (Iím sure on this one). Thank you for caring about my well being.

    Iíll be back to check this thread and see if thereís more but I think I have a plan for now.
    How is therapy going to change this ...?
    ď But I donít love him romantically.Ē

    You donít enjoy being intimate with him.

    You are ready to settle down and have a kid but it seems you chose the wrong man to do that with.
    Have you ever thought that the relationship isnít working because you arenít invested in it?

    You mention you will leave if he doesnít change? Are you going to change and suddenly be romantically interested in him? Do you actually believe that he doesnít know this?

    Iím usually more for working things out , but in this case, therapy will be a waste of time and I suggest you invest the money into sperm donor / egg freezing / ivf instead?

    Seriously there are women who would love if their husbands asked them to put their shoes up so he could vacuum. Itís unheard of lol

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,623
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    How is therapy going to change this ...?
    ď But I donít love him romantically.Ē

    You donít enjoy being intimate with him.

    You are ready to settle down and have a kid but it seems you chose the wrong man to do that with.
    Have you ever thought that the relationship isnít working because you arenít invested in it?

    You mention you will leave if he doesnít change? Are you going to change and suddenly be romantically interested in him? Do you actually believe that he doesnít know this?

    Iím usually more for working things out , but in this case, therapy will be a waste of time and I suggest you invest the money into sperm donor / egg freezing / ivf instead?

    Seriously there are women who would love if their husbands asked them to put their shoes up so he could vacuum. Itís unheard of lol
    I'd like to point out also that in most cases people don't/can't change. When you marry someone it's with the understanding that you take them as they are. If you don't like major things about them then you shouldn't marry. You can't just miraculously change who they are or fall in love if you don't love them.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    55
    Gender
    Male
    I'm not good at all this stuff but I'm going to chime in anyway as someone who recently came here for help because I also said that I don't love my wife romantically... and I turned out to be wrong and in fact what I needed (aside from much more open honest communication about what we both want) was to see and accept my own role in the situation and address that first. At the start, you said he doesn't listen but also that he's having to ask you repeatedly to do the same things and the first example was actually to facilitate him doing the housework. So I'm going to hazard a guess that he doesn't always feel listened to either. Nagging is a terrible motivator and that's going to need to be something he learns and changes but you are in this together and maybe asking yourself how you can make things better on a day to day basis might help him do the same.

    It might sound simplistic but I basically saved my marriage and regained happiness I thought was long gone and got a better wife in the process by first asking myself how I could be a better husband. Not a pushover, because that's not the same thing. But an active participant striving to improve things for both of us.

    As for the 80% and who earns more, in my view it's a marriage and that's not relevant unless he's a total deadbeat. When I met my wife, she earned way more than I did. Then it flipped and I was the primary earner for a very large chunk of our marriage and, this year, it looks like it might flip again. As far as I see it, it's a marriage and we're earning for both of us. I can only imagine an equal 50/50 earning marriage is rare. As IAmFCA says, it's about teamwork. But for that to count, you both have to see yourself as part of that team, not as adversaries. And maybe not all teams work but, if you think there is something here to work on, it sounds like you are taking the right steps. Therapy is always good and, yep, sitting down and having an open conversation is what it will probably come down to. We can only hope that he is at a place where he is ready to listen.

  7. #26
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Posts
    216
    Originally Posted by Yellowviolet
    Hi all - thank you all for your help so far. Iím getting tears in my eyes that strangers on the internet are helping me. I deeply appreciate it.

    Iíve decided a few things:
    1 find a therapist and go
    2 I need to sit down and talk about our issues openly and tell him how I feel. Iím hoping a therapist can help prepare me for that.
    3 if he is unwilling to change, which is very likely, I will need to leave him. Iíll probably be back for support here, yaíll are awesome.

    I also want all of you to know that he doesnít ďyellĒ at me per say, but he does talk loudly and sound very annoyed often. He has never and will never physically abuse me (Iím sure on this one). Thank you for caring about my well being.

    Iíll be back to check this thread and see if thereís more but I think I have a plan for now.
    I think you have an excellent plan, and I am sure that a therapist will be able to help you prepare to sit down with your husband and discuss your issues openly. I know that you said you don't enjoy romantic intimacy with him, and several people have noted that as a major sign that this marriage is not fix-able, but I wouldn't place so much emphasis on that right now. For me personally, romantic intimacy is only something I can feel when other things are going well. So if you address the other issues, like feeling like you are being heard, then that intimacy might return.

    This was my perspective on what you said: When he nags you and criticizes you, you feel like he doesn't value and appreciate your efforts, and that he doesn't hold you in high esteem.
    Additionally, you yourself admitted that you do not hold him in high esteem, either. You said that you settled for him and that you suspect you could have found someone better. I wonder if he can sense your lack of respect for him, and part of his way of asserting his value is to lecture you or always try to show how much he knows better than you about certain things. He may be acting selfishly, more interested in speaking than listening, because he is insecure and always trying to prove himself. This is my guess, that this is a possibility.

    Instead of your usual dynamic, wouldn't it be nice if he said to you "I appreciate all that you do for us, I can tell that you work hard and contribute a lot, and I'm so grateful for you." And then wouldn't it be nice if you said to him "I feel so safe with you, I know you would never cheat on me or lie to me, and I appreciate how you help remind me to do something when I forget." How could you two get to that point where statements of gratitude become habitual?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,331
    Gender
    Female
    I think you've already checked out emotionally and I'd encourage you to put down the walls for a second and take a deep breath. When you say you love him like family and not romantically (post #1), you've categorized what you share into a small box with very short edges. What I also found odd is that you prefaced your first post framing it like small or petty issues but seem to be very upset over them. Are they really that significant or are you blowing it out of proportion (at a high level of frustration/no outlets)? I'm not sure if any of the other members addressed your support network either or what you do in your free time, your hobbies, how you spend your time outside of the relationship or with your friends or family members. Would it help to explore better stress management techniques and learning to communicate better with your husband (where levels of frustration/tension are a bit lower)?

    I'm suggesting that you recognize when he does things to annoy you but you should also be mitigating those things and learning to manage your stress levels on your own. You shouldn't be afraid either so signs of fear in a relationship are unusual and not healthy. You may also be discovering that you are accessing deep insecurities on your part, feeling low self-confidence, nervous, unable to function because you've internalized the arguments deeply. It's not unusual to feel low if someone keeps criticizing us but it does help if we have a wider perspective. If you have a solid support network and hobbies that ground you, it may not be so difficult to put things in perspective and be able to let the smaller issues roll off your back. You may also be a bit more inspired to make fun of him or joke around with him when he jokes with you.

    He may also be meticulous and you mentioned he helps out a lot around the house. This may mean that he's a bit more conscientious about where things go because he's the one doing most of the tidying and organizing or fixing. It doesn't mean your role in your household is any less or important because you do have a role to play too. It does mean appreciating each other for your respective roles and all that you each do for each other and your home is important (appreciating each other equally).

    Try appreciating each other more. If you do feel a therapist is necessary in helping you organize your thoughts, that's up to you. Either way, I'd start rebuilding communication and trust and a whole lot of appreciation between the both of you. Humour works wonders also and learning to laugh at ourselves. Don't take things so seriously and don't let someone make you feel so low, have fun with each other but don't let your partner take advantage of you or go too far while you get to know each other again. Engage in hobbies and spend time with your friends and family also.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 07-23-2019 at 03:15 AM.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •