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Thread: Is it worth staying?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    He's always been honest with you, you say.
    How about being honest with him? He deserves to know he's with someone who has settled for him for a long time, who doesn't love him romantically, and who is with him out of convenience.

  2. #12
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    I appreciate all of this a lot. Iíve done a ton of reading and technically what he does isnít psych abuse, but between my issues and his it cycles into a bad place, for both of us. I hear you loud and clear though, itís always been borderline. Could this be why I feel so attached? Everything is mine, in my name, under my control fortunately. But, donít everyoneís issues affect each other? Wouldnít this happen again with another partner in the future?
    Last edited by Yellowviolet; 07-21-2019 at 10:00 PM. Reason: Making reply more general

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    He's always been honest with you, you say.
    How about being honest with him? He deserves to know he's with someone who has settled for him for a long time, who doesn't love him romantically, and who is with him out of convenience.
    I couldnít agree more. I am a s***head too. Thatís part of the issue. Weíre both a-holes in some respects. Wonít this just happen again in the future with any partner? Will anyone be good enough for me? And lastly his truths do hurt sometimes. Often. I donít want to inflict that pain on him because I do love him. But itís still an excuse - you got me on this one, Iím just trying to work out my past and future behavior here...

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    You said you pay all of the bills. Is he not gainfully employed?
    He is and he pays for all his own stuff including beer, plus house repairs and little stuff here and there but Iím all the big monthly recurring expenses. I donít want to disclose more than that, but basically if we combined our finances completely Iíd still be paying 80% of those recurrences. He actually works very hard, heís just starting his career unfortunately and so he doesnít make a lot.
    Last edited by Yellowviolet; 07-21-2019 at 10:18 PM. Reason: Removed extra quote

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  6. #15
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    Hi,

    I noticed your worried with someone new in the future youíll experience what youíre currently experiencing. I think that each person is different and someone out there will make you happier then you are now. Why? Because after letís say you do leave youíll have the heavy burden of carrying this toxic energy out of your system.

    With that you can begin anew. You can focus on yourself. Iím sure with all the nagging youíve neglected your wants and needs. Itís hard living by somebodyís standards all the time.

    It will be hard after you leave I wonít lie to you there. Heís become a constant and without him it will take time to adjust.

    Iím sure like any relationship there are good times which is why most people stay longer then they should.

    I think you posting on here is a cry for help because despite those good times itís dragging you down all the negativity in the relationship. Also communicating is key but if he wonít listen then youíve lost one of the pillars of strength to a good relationship. One of the most important ones.

    I say you leave. I know youíre married and easier said then done, itís just at the end of the day life is short and you sound extremely unhappy.

  7. #16
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    How old are you both?

    If you are scared of someone, even a little bit... thats a MASSIVE warning sign.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Yellowviolet
    I get anxious because 60% of the time..., but I finally blurted out ďYou nag me!Ē In a fight awhile ago. Itís down to like 40% now. Still a lot.
    Those numbers hint his fear of you. (Losing that is)
    You are both stuck in bad habits.

    You must keep asserting yourself.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Yellowviolet
    I couldnít agree more. I am a s***head too. Thatís part of the issue. Weíre both a-holes in some respects. Wonít this just happen again in the future with any partner? Will anyone be good enough for me? And lastly his truths do hurt sometimes. Often. I donít want to inflict that pain on him because I do love him. But itís still an excuse - you got me on this one, Iím just trying to work out my past and future behavior here...
    No it won't happen in the future because there is no requirement to be in a relationship. If you believe you won't become the right person to find the right person then do people a favor and don't get seriously involved with them - date casually maybe as long as the other person is on the same page (meaning if you just do fun activities with someone and flirt/have sex if you feel like with no strings attached and not casually, the other person knows you are keeping your options open and can decide if that's all right and also pursue others). Or be on your own. I almost got married a few times and it would have been settling. I was on and off serious with someone I did love and did feel in love with but overall not strongly enough so we finally broke up. And when I met my right person -when I became the right person to find the right person - world of difference. And ..... yes -he was one of the few I'd almost settled for years earlier. Except now I was ready for love with him, for a true commitment where I didn't feel like I was settling. World of difference. And I promise you I would be alone right now if I had not found the person who was right in all those ways.

    Of course there technically could be someone "better" - I mean I didn't date everyone -just half the men on the planet - but when you meet that person you know that technically there could be someone better but it means nothing to you because you're solid in your heart, your mind, your commitment. It's not shakeable to the core even if you get upset, even if some eye candy, if that is your thing (not my thing) catches your eye briefly. My mother crushed on Gregory Peck in the 1970s and made me go to a whole movie starring him that was so boring. And she was with and loved my father for 62 years. Sorry to digress but please don't go down the delusional path of "I'd just settle for someone else". Who says you have to be with anyone? Who says you have to subject someone to your settling just because you tell yourself you can't be alone?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    No it won't happen in the future because there is no requirement to be in a relationship. If you believe you won't become the right person to find the right person then do people a favor and don't get seriously involved with them - date casually maybe as long as the other person is on the same page (meaning if you just do fun activities with someone and flirt/have sex if you feel like with no strings attached and not casually, the other person knows you are keeping your options open and can decide if that's all right and also pursue others). Or be on your own. I almost got married a few times and it would have been settling. I was on and off serious with someone I did love and did feel in love with but overall not strongly enough so we finally broke up. And when I met my right person -when I became the right person to find the right person - world of difference. And ..... yes -he was one of the few I'd almost settled for years earlier. Except now I was ready for love with him, for a true commitment where I didn't feel like I was settling. World of difference. And I promise you I would be alone right now if I had not found the person who was right in all those ways.

    Of course there technically could be someone "better" - I mean I didn't date everyone -just half the men on the planet - but when you meet that person you know that technically there could be someone better but it means nothing to you because you're solid in your heart, your mind, your commitment. It's not shakeable to the core even if you get upset, even if some eye candy, if that is your thing (not my thing) catches your eye briefly. My mother crushed on Gregory Peck in the 1970s and made me go to a whole movie starring him that was so boring. And she was with and loved my father for 62 years. Sorry to digress but please don't go down the delusional path of "I'd just settle for someone else". Who says you have to be with anyone? Who says you have to subject someone to your settling just because you tell yourself you can't be alone?
    Lol just half the men on the planet. I like you, we should be friends. I used to be like this. Iíd have romantic flings a lot too. But now Iím in my mid thirties and I kind of want a kid which is another issue here. Iíd be happy as a single mother, but I donít like that idea as much as having a kid with a partner. Raising a kid looks hard and I wouldnít have a lot of help if I do it alone and I have a demanding job.

    When we got married I felt ready to ďsettle downĒ and have someone always there with me. He fit the bill. I suppose Iíve developed a codependency here and thatís part of why this is hard. Iíve been in one of two relationships with very little break between for the past 10 years now. I guess I can go back to independent fierce female but it will be a rocky transition.

    Iím trying not to give out too much identifying info but I also have chronic health issues. Dealing with that alone does scare me because sometimes I need someone else to pick up the slack.

  11. #20
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    Hi all - thank you all for your help so far. Iím getting tears in my eyes that strangers on the internet are helping me. I deeply appreciate it.

    Iíve decided a few things:
    1 find a therapist and go
    2 I need to sit down and talk about our issues openly and tell him how I feel. Iím hoping a therapist can help prepare me for that.
    3 if he is unwilling to change, which is very likely, I will need to leave him. Iíll probably be back for support here, yaíll are awesome.

    I also want all of you to know that he doesnít ďyellĒ at me per say, but he does talk loudly and sound very annoyed often. He has never and will never physically abuse me (Iím sure on this one). Thank you for caring about my well being.

    Iíll be back to check this thread and see if thereís more but I think I have a plan for now.

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