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Not exactly looking for advice as much as the 2 cents of others.

So there was a woman at work who I was pretty flirty/friendly with. I like her but I wasn’t going to risk an issue by pushing for more. I changed positions a little while ago, same company but different location so I assumed it was the end of it. But a few weeks later she reached out wanting to meet up. So we did and it was nice, still a lot of flirting etc but I didn’t make any sort of move because I was worried about the work thing. So she leaves and tells me she’d like to meet up again and has time this weekend.

So I feel kinda stupid for not advancing things so the next time she texts (soon after) I directly ask her and she tells me she has a BF. My thinking was that it was stupid to ask and think I put her on the spot so I keep texting er.

So meet up again the next week. So more flirting and date activities followed by her coming to my place. I’m still kinda hesitant despite the date being nice and her seeming to have a nice time. So lots of touching and flirting are going on and eventually I try to move in for some kissing. And.. she rebuffs me. I stop of course and we kinda pretend nothing had happened until she invents a reason to leave.

So she texts and says we can’t be friends if I’m going to try for more. So I reply that I like her etc but that I’m not into just being friends and she should contact me if she changes her mind. So that was a week or so ago. I’m not going to reach out and I’ll be friendly if I see her but not make conversation or anything. Nothing else to do in my opinion.

So did I mess that up by being hesitant at first? If she has a bf why would you be so flirty with another guy and put yourself in his orbit? Think she’ll reach out? We seem to get along really well and have fun together.

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Unfortunately she thinks of you as a friend. Just bow out and date local available women you don't work with.

I directly ask her and she tells me she has a BF.

 

I try to move in for some kissing. And.. she rebuffs me. So she texts and says we can’t be friends if I’m going to try for more.

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I have no plans to do anything.

The whole episode is just confusing to me though. If she had a bf why would you go out alone with a single guy you’ve been flirting with for months?

 

Unfortunately, only she knows the answer to that.

 

Or, it’s possible you misconstrued her friendship as flirting, it’s happens a lot, especially in work settings.

 

Don’t stress too much about it, she said what she said, if she wants you, she will rectify it, she will have to be the one to, because she’s shut you down, there’s really no where else to go with it.

 

I think it will be best to let it go.

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I stated my piece clearly so I know there ball in in her court (or punted) and I’m not talking any further action.

There was lots of touching etc.. I didn’t misconstrue anything except where it was going. I know if I was the bf and I observed us that would probably be the end of things.

I’m just sort of venting by the way, I’m not pursuing this further.

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It's just what it is - she has a boyfriend and only likes you as a friend.

If she has a bf why would you be so flirty with another guy and put yourself in his orbit?

 

- maybe she's bored or just wants a friend. You can only have one lover but you can't have too many friends

 

Obviously, you are attracted to her in another way. If you can't be friends without getting a crush, if you can't date other women (most guys can't), you'll have to cut contact.

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I have no plans to do anything.

The whole episode is just confusing to me though. If she had a bf why would you go out alone with a single guy you’ve been flirting with for months?

 

Eh, maybe she and the boyfriend hit a rough patch and she wanted some male attention and knew you'd be a convenient source. Or maybe she was into the idea of side action and her boyfriend caught on so she shut it all down.

 

Either way, when a woman tells you she has a boyfriend and rejects your advances - you need to assume the interest is no longer there and keep moving.

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I presume she was either looking to monkey branch or add an orbiter just in case. Nobody would risk a functioning relationship to add a “friend”.. you also don’t act all flirty and touchy with a “friend”.

Like I said, I was clear and concise with my counter rejection of being friends only. So I’m not doing anything aside from venting really.

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She is having an emotional affair with you....she doesn't get that special attention from her BF so she seeks it out with you. You can look but can't touch. In the old days she would be referred to as a c*&^ tease. And that my dear will give you blue balls. So I will give this to you straight. You will never be able to "hit that" ever. You are being used. She may call it a friendship, but it's not. Just a girl needing some attention, then goes home to her BF. So stop being an orbiter and meet other girls that are actually interested in dating you.

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I actually went out with her a second time because she actually said she was seeing someone not that she had a BF. It’s a small difference but seemed like the fort was ajar, when all other interest signs were there.

Regardless not pursuing and going on with life.

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She has a BF. She is off limits. Cut it off with her since both of you didn't enforce healthy boundaries.

 

Remain civil, peaceful, polite, well-mannered yet professional.

 

The next time she contacts you, tell her it's time to cease texting / all contact (voicemails, emails, messenger, phone chats, etc.). Be an honorable gentleman and respect her BF even though her behavior is not respectable, loyal and devoted to her BF. Know where to draw the line and do the right thing. It's called "integrity."

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I’m supposed to do this to protect the sanctity if their relationship? I’m not even sure there is a BF or how advanced this relationship is. If I put everyone who dating as “off limits” there aren’t going to be many options

 

If you’re looking for a relationship, ‘I’m seeing someone’, is wise to consider off limits lest you end up on a message board snapping at responders.

 

Do you know if you have PTSD from your service Tom?

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So she texts and says we can’t be friends if I’m going to try for more. So I reply that I like her etc but that I’m not into just being friends and she should contact me if she changes her mind. So that was a week or so ago. I’m not going to reach out and I’ll be friendly if I see her but not make conversation or anything. Nothing else to do in my opinion.

So did I mess that up by being hesitant at first? If she has a bf why would you be so flirty with another guy and put yourself in his orbit? Think she’ll reach out? We seem to get along really well and have fun together.

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But the remaining options are better than doors slamming in your face and rejections. You have to put in more effort and go on a lot of dates but chasing no-go situations is a recipe for frustration.

If I put everyone who dating as “off limits” there aren’t going to be many options
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she tells me she has a BF.

 

This is all I'd need to hear to back off, and it would have been part of my initial conversation, not afterward.

 

Add this on top of it being a colleague, and there'd be nothing left to say beyond business--and only on the job.

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Ok but I wasn’t the driver of all this, she was. That’s were the confusion came from. Why would I ask a woman if she had a bf after she asked me on a date?

 

You’re right by your interpretation it makes no sense, so either she’s bat**** crazy and a cheat or you got the wrong impression by her wanting to ‘hang out’, it happens, the reality of all this? Who knows, why even give it a second thought? It’s really not worth it. You seem to want to bash her but at the end of the day, cheat or overly friendly, she’s not your problem.

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