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Thread: Asexual and being in love with a heterosexual male

  1. #11
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    Should I tell him about my sexuality and how I'm in love with him?

    Its fair to tell your friend that you are gay, but its a big double whammy to say you are gay AND in love.
    I would leave it at that "i never told you this, but because we are good friends, i feel comfortable telling you i am gay".
    Say no more. you may get a "thank you for being comfortable enough to tell me. I am glad we are friends".
    and more talk about women or if he IS actually bi, after time has passed he may confess feelings as well OR he may NOT be interested in you.

    So, if you feel it is right, tell him why you are not being active in meeting women - because you prefer men - and just wanted him to know because you are friends.

  2. #12
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    Well, first of all, while I'm not asexual myself, my ex-girlfriend was asexual. She does also want to be in relationships on an intellectual and emotional level and to cuddle etc. but she doesn't feel comfortable with sex or is that interested in it. So I do have some understanding of what you mean.

    I don't mean to make you feel bad, but I would just like to say that as someone very sexual, it was really difficult and even hurtful for me to have an asexual partner. I felt very rejected because my sexual feelings weren't reciprocated. So to be honest I would encourage you to be upfront with people you are interested in romantically that you are asexual. I think it's just not fair to enter a relationship if that person wants sex and you don't.

    There is no problem with being interested in both men and women but the truth is that you may need to really seek out people who are fine with you being asexual. Maybe other people who are also asexual. Or people who are polyamorous and can have sex with their other partners. Of course it's not your fault that you're asexual but most people crave sex and need it in a relationship. So I think being in a relationship with people that do want sex would be leading them on.

    Regarding your friend, if you really want to get your feelings off your chest, you could tell him. But the trouble you have here is a double whammy that he's likely to be only into women and also that he's likely to want sex. So to be honest with a high chance of both of those it's not looking good for you. Sorry.

    I would recommend online dating. If you can find them, asexual oriented web sites. However I don't know if that's a thing because I'm not asexual myself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    My rule of life is that unless someone brings up the fact that they are (whatever sexual preference) do not make assumptions. This man is trying to talk to women on dating apps, so therefore it should be assumed he is heterosexual unless the friend says otherwise. I don't go up to a man hand and hand with another man and think "he's handsome, i wonder if he swings both ways"

    I was a late bloomer, and there was a woman in my younger years who was a classmate who was telling me that if i "didn't like men by now, maybe i wanted to try women" "um...nope" just because i did not have a boyfriend did NOT mean i was not attracted to men. It was just that - i was young and had not had a boyfriend yet.

    If he wants to meet a woman, i would encourage him! If you don't, you are not a friend. Maybe suggest he try to meet women in other ways, but do not look at someone who is unlucky in love and say 'well, what about men..."
    I see what you're saying and have already addressed the nuance by NOT making assumptions on the issue of sexuality and leaving it further open to discussion under the idea that the OP mentioned his friend is nice, caring, a great listener and intelligent (his words in post #1 in that order). You just said that you do not make assumptions but then go on to assume he's heterosexual. It's a bit of a contradiction.

    You've misunderstood my point which is to open up the discussion without preconceived ideas and keep things lighthearted.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I see what you're saying and have already addressed the nuance by NOT making assumptions on the issue of sexuality and leaving it further open to discussion under the idea that the OP mentioned his friend is nice, caring, a great listener and intelligent (his words in post #1 in that order). You just said that you do not make assumptions but then go on to assume he's heterosexual. It's a bit of a contradiction.

    You've misunderstood my point which is to open up the discussion without preconceived ideas and keep things lighthearted.

    If someone says that they are looking to meet a woman to date, I don't say "whoa, i can't assume they are into women!!"
    If someone tells you what their orientation is or demonstrates it - there is no assumption being made.
    He wants to meet a woman to date. The logical conclusion is not "well he MIGHT be secretly into men" - its "He is into women. that's who he wants to meet and date"

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  6. #15
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    Thanks for the advice, Tinydance,
    First and foremost for taking the asexual part seriously. I see some responses from others here doubting my asexuality, but I just don't have interest in sex. I don't get aroused when I think about any form of sex, I get bored or even disgusted when I watch porn, I don't find genitals interesting. Perhaps I might enjoy if I ever experience it, but it feels like saying to someone who is conviced they are gay that they don't know they are until they have experienced sex with the opposite gender.


    I definitely don't want to hurt others, so I probably should be upfront during dates about not being interested in sex. I've looked for asexual dating apps, but can't find them.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    You have labelled him heterosexual because on a dating app he is looking for women.

    You are interested in both men and women yet donít label yourself as bisexual? Because of your self proclaimed lack of interest in sex.

    Iím confused as to why it would bother you that he might have sex with another? Male or female? If indeed you were truly asexual?

    Iím doubting that you are?

    You claim to have been in love 6 times , this guy being the 6th?
    Were you ever in a relationship with any of the 5 prior?

    My thoughts are that perhaps you donít develop sexual feelings until a romantic relationship is born. But you have yet to experience that?

    My best guess is that you are a romantic bisexual?
    Thanks for the response.
    I just want to say that I feel asexual. I'm not 100% sure that I truly am. Like you pointed out; perhaps I need more experience to know for sure.
    I do want to make clear that I think it is normal that I wouldn't want my friend to have sex with another. Even if I am asexual. I still know that it would mean he most likely wouldn't like me as a partner, that he really needs sex and thus we're not suitable as partners.

    I have never been in a relationship, but I feel like I've really been in love before (5 times with a girl, 2 times with a guy). I have kissed girls and liked it, but didn't really feel aroused. None of those girls were the girls I was in love with, so perhaps that's the reason?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    So in regards to your friend, I believe that confessing your feelings would be over the top. The first thing you need to do is evaluate your reasoning for wanting to tell him. If it's just because you hope he returns those feelings or has a potential to return those feelings, then you need to back off. If he hasn't even considered the idea that you might not be hetero, then this would be quite a shock. I doubt his reaction would be good. And that would crush you.

    My advice would be that if you want to be close to him - but close as a friend - then you could open up to him about your suspected asexuality or occasionally having feelings for men. However, I feel that if you did so with an ulterior motive, it may strain your friendship and that would be sad. If you want to tell him about your sexuality just so that he can know something else about you (in other words with no ulterior/ selfish motive), then it might work out okay, because you wouldn't be expecting a grand response from him.

    I mean, it's tricky. I understand your feelings are strong and that they are genuine. I know it must be difficult because you haven't had a relationship yet so apparently, being in love is a pretty rare thing for you. Which is why you should be extra careful so as not to scare off a man you really love.
    Thanks for the respectful response.
    I like what you're saying about evaluating why i want to tell him more about myself. I think it mainly is because I hope he too is asexual or has a very low libido; that the feeling is Mutual. But the chances of that are extremely slim. He's a great friend, so yes, I also want to be more open about my sexuality and want him to just know more about me. I shouldn't ruin it by professing my love. I don't want to completely shock or overwhelm him with it (like others here have mentioned too). If he would reject me based on my sexual identity, he indeed wouldn't be that great..

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    There are a lot of heavy words there and a whole lot of labels. I don't encourage outbursts involving proclamations of love to someone with whom there isn't some mutual understanding or attraction (in other words, you're not dating each other). It's awkward and can make things uncomfortable not only for you but for the other person. Ease up a little. The whole love thing is a little intense for someone you only know as a friend and he seems interested in women.

    I don't think you should keep your feelings to yourself if you're both single though. Find some time to bring it up in person and ask him what he thinks about men dating other men, flirt a little and get to know him more. I think you've skipped a lot of steps labeling yourself and others. Take the time to explore your sexuality for real, with others. Learn from people and learn in your experiences. I'm not saying that you're not asexual at all or doubting you. What I'm asking you to do is live. Don't just talk about it. Live your life and discover things about yourself. You're insecure because you haven't lived enough and there aren't enough experiences for you to look back on and feel confident in yourself.

    Take it easy and get to know each other better. Stop encouraging him with the dating apps or meeting other women if you have feelings for him. Just go for it and if he's open to men dating other men, I think that's a green light. If he looks scared, upset or thinks it's not for him and it's not something he wants to talk about (things get awkward), I'd be frank one step further and be open about being asexual but attracted to men and women (you're all about equal opportunity!). Lighten it up and see what his reaction is.

    You shouldn't be afraid of what you are even though someone else is. You are whatever you are. Love yourself and be proud. If he doesn't like it, let him live his life and you go on living yours. If he really is kind and understanding as you described, I doubt he'd run for the hills either. Life's too short to keep worrying about what everyone thinks about you. Just be considerate and kind back (don't spring any awkward love bombs out of nowhere) and live your life.
    Thank you. The advice is nice and helpful, but I also appreciate the empathy that I feel in your response. :)

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    This guy is your friend and for whatever reason he has not been in a relationship - social anxiety, fear, a disability he was afraid would scare women off, throwing himself into education or work, and now he is trying to do something about it. It is your job to be supportive, rather than taking advantage of him. You should be cheering him on, not trying to seduce him. Not everyone who is a late bloomer is gay. My guy didn't find someone until later. He always thought he would look for a wife eventually and then said "oh crap, i"m X age, i guess i need to get serious about it". He is involved with hobbies and a career that are male dominated and it was not easy to meet single women and he was not interested in bars. If you cannot support your friend, then you should spend less time with him.
    I just want to say that I feel you might not understand how I feel about it. I'm not trying to take advantage of him. Yes, I would be extremely happy if he liked me as more than a friend but I'm fully expecting him to be a heterosexual guy. I do support him. I do cheer him on whenever he wants to talk to a girl on the dating app. I can even say I had large part in him feeling better now than he did before. It's just an ambivalent feeling, because I would be really happy for him if he would find a girl, but I would also be a bit jealous. That doesn't mean I would try to sabotage the relationship or could not be friends with him anymore.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Tuno
    I just want to say that I feel you might not understand how I feel about it. I'm not trying to take advantage of him. Yes, I would be extremely happy if he liked me as more than a friend but I'm fully expecting him to be a heterosexual guy. I do support him. I do cheer him on whenever he wants to talk to a girl on the dating app. I can even say I had large part in him feeling better now than he did before. It's just an ambivalent feeling, because I would be really happy for him if he would find a girl, but I would also be a bit jealous. That doesn't mean I would try to sabotage the relationship or could not be friends with him anymore.
    If that is so, then come out to him, but do not express feelings - let him come to you on his own.

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