Doctors think I have cancer (Lukemia). Should I tell her?

Hello. My doctors think I have Lukemia. I will know for sure this week after a slew of tests. It’s pretty scary but I’m hoping for the best and trying to keep my head up.

Four months ago my ex left me. It was a fairly nasty breakup (see other thread). It was made even nastier 2-3 months ago. We had a brief text exchange initiated by her where she got very VERY nasty and was meaner than I ever knew she could be. We have had zero contact since then when she made it very clear she regretted the 3 years we were together, told me to “f” off, and said she’d be more than happy to never talk to me again.

After writing the above and reading it I don’t even know why I’m asking this question!

Since I’ve found out that I may have cancer I haven’t been able to get her out of my head. I know I should be focused 100% on me but I keep debating internally if I should tell her if the results are positive. Not sure what good it would bring but it’s a thought none the less.

Any thoughts on the matter?

Thanks!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m crossing my fingers that your test results will be negative.

Personally, I wouldn’t contact her and focus completely on your recovery. Her reaction to your diagnosis or lack thereof may set you back, and I think you need all your strength now to get through this. Best of luck to you!

She stole from you (including your dog). It's probably not a good idea to seek sympathy from a thief especially during this time. Are you able to speak with trusted friends and family members? I feel like you may be seeking a support network. I don't think she is a good choice.

I have a great support system of family and friends. I haven’t even mentioned to them the desire to contact her. I’m sure they would say HECK NO!

Not sure why the thought is even crossing my mind. I suppose I’m fearful of the worst and want to mend bridges maybe?? Not sure.

You and BecxyRex are right. Not a good idea.

Don’t contact mean evil nasty people at a time when you need critical recovery . You don’t need any negativity right now . Best wishes for good test results .

No way! Do not contact her.

You are in a very vulnerable position, last thing you need is drama and upset.

Maybe in some way you think possibly being sick will make her feel bad for you or start suddenly realizing your worth now that your immortality is on the line, but if she spoke to you like the way you described, she'll probably have even more bad things to say.

It's over with her. You need to focus on your health and well being and she is 100% not a good person to have anywhere near you.

I have a great support system of family and friends. I haven’t even mentioned to them the desire to contact her. I’m sure they would say HECK NO!

 

Not sure why the thought is even crossing my mind. I suppose I’m fearful of the worst and want to mend bridges maybe?? Not sure.

 

You and BecxyRex are right. Not a good idea.

It's useful and helpful to join a support forum for cancer or a potential diagnosis for cancer. Normally there are subforums for stages of cancer and members are welcome to share their fears during testing and waiting periods. It's not easy waiting. It's the worst part. It's normal for your mind to go in overdrive thinking about all the possibilities and to move between waves of intense fear, hopelessness, feeling energetic and motivated and sometimes completely depressed and unable to get out of bed. This type of waiting can wear you down. Read books, find support forums if things get a bit too personal for your friends and family to hear or if you feel you don't want to bother them all the time. There's ENA of course but I found the cancer forums very helpful and even though I didn't post I read a whole lot. Don't over-read or worry yourself over what-if situations. Know when to step back and put away the reading too.

Don't forget to live while you're alive.

You're not the first person to ask this question. I'm not sure if it was on this forum or another website that I read a story of someone contacting an ex about a cancer diagnosis, but doing so was not the right move. The call was apparently awkward and the sought for support was decidedly lacking and disappointing.

I understand several reasons why you may want to tell her, all of which have been mentioned here. I would guess the major driving factor is hoping that the information would cause her to look at your situation differently, want to be with you again, and have a transformative effect on her behavior and personality. It simply isn't likely to have that impact, though.

This is a scary time filled with difficult emotions I am sure. My suggestion would be to not contact her, as the relationship was unhealthy, and regardless of her reaction having contact with this woman would not be beneficial for your healing process.

Wait until you have the results back. Then only share that with your closest friends and family for support if it turns out to be something. Never use the "I may have...." to try to get anyone back or instill guilt, pity, whatever.

In fact it's time to delete and block her and all her people from all your messaging apps and social media. She hates you and wants nothing to do with you, so move forward.

My doctors think.....

 

she made it very clear she regretted the 3 years we were together, told me to “f” off, and said she’d be more than happy to never talk to me again.

You broke up several months ago and she is now nothing to do with your present or your future, only your past. She will not thank you for telling her (she might see it as you trying to guilt-trip her into getting back together or apologising for past behaviour). In fact, it could go horribly wrong and you'd end up feeling even worse. Leave her alone and surround yourself with kind people who want to be in your life.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I hope your results come back negative.

I am of the opinion that you should NOT contact her. She sounds like an uncaring and despicable person. You don't need this negativity in your life right now, or ever, for that matter. You have enough stress and anxiety waiting for the results. And, she sounds like such an uncompassionate person that she might just tell you things that might upset you, judging from all the horrible things she said to you in the past. Let it go and focus on yourself, please. Best of luck to you, and please give us an update, OK, if you are up to it. Hugs.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts. The consensus is what I suspected it to be. I also spoke to a couple trusted close friends and they agree that contacting her is out of the question.

For those that commented that I was looking at this as an opportunity to reconnect, perhaps there’s some truth to it. However, I think the desire is mainly rooted in if she were diagnosed I’d want to know. But I’m the dumpee, she’s the dumper. She made it clear she doesn’t care about me or my mental well being so why the hell would she care about my physical well being? Chances are she wouldn’t. That’s the difference between us... I am not perfect but I have a heart.

Anyways, thanks again. I’ve got my clarity and won’t be reaching out to her even if the results of all my testing are positive.

Nope.

It will be seen as a ploy to get her back or to guilt trip her.

I know two people with lymphoma that have been diagnosed 12+ years ago. So depending on what type it is, its not a automatic death sentence.

one person has been in remission for 9 years. so it depends on hodgkins or non hodgkins and i know someone who was originally thought to have it and it wasn't, it was Hashimoto's

Why even consider telling her when you don't even yet know yourself?

Thanks everyone for the thoughts. The consensus is what I suspected it to be. I also spoke to a couple trusted close friends and they agree that contacting her is out of the question.

 

For those that commented that I was looking at this as an opportunity to reconnect, perhaps there’s some truth to it. However, I think the desire is mainly rooted in if she were diagnosed I’d want to know. But I’m the dumpee, she’s the dumper. She made it clear she doesn’t care about me or my mental well being so why the hell would she care about my physical well being? Chances are she wouldn’t. That’s the difference between us... I am not perfect but I have a heart.

 

Anyways, thanks again. I’ve got my clarity and won’t be reaching out to her even if the results of all my testing are positive.

" I am not perfect but I have a heart. " Exactly, dear OP. Keeping my fingers crossed. Hugs.

Thanks for the advice.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope for healthy results for you.

I'd rather trust that she's likely to hear it from someone else. Then if she has anything to say to you, you'll hear from her.

Head high, and focus on you.

Absolutely not. You want only positive energy and support in your life right now.

My BFF just finished her leukaemia treatment and is currently cancer free... I firmly believe this is because she had a kick ass attitude and nothing but love around her as she went through it.

Hello guys and gals. Thanks again for the advice! Wanted to let you all know I got a clean bill of health today from the oncologist. I am cancer free! Thank you for the kind words you all gave. Means a lot knowing there are kind and caring people, even strangers, in this world.

That is great news!!!

Hello guys and gals. Thanks again for the advice! Wanted to let you all know I got a clean bill of health today from the oncologist. I am cancer free! Thank you for the kind words you all gave. Means a lot knowing there are kind and caring people, even strangers, in this world.

Excellent! Very happy to hear this, and thank you for thinking of us with the update.