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Thread: Advice on Dating girl not over her ex

  1. #1
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    Advice on Dating girl not over her ex

    I'm in an odd predicament. I am dating a girl who is not over her ex. We've been dating a month and a half. I really like the girl but her behavior and everything has just been so strange. We first met, and the first day we met she told me about her ex and how she dated him two years, she caught him cheating on her with a maid and she had a lot of pride cause she's a nurse and he cheated on her with a maid. She told me all about how she snuck at his house and caught him, etc. So she told me that had a tumultuous relationship where she would see evidence of other ladies, question him on it and he would yell at her or berate her and then break up with her and she'd come crawling back to him or a few days later he would beg her to come back. She explained how he never took her out on dates, how she had to pay for her own rides to see him (she didn't have license or car), etc. Also how he told her he never wanted to be re-married as he had been divorced two times prior and she said she really wanted to be married again. Then further told me that he never said he was her boyfriend and never recognized her as that. Which confused me how he was cheating if she is stating that he never recognized her as a girlfriend?

    So, anyhow we went on first date and this is mostly what our first date was about. . We went on a third date with her friend out to a bar, she got pretty tipsy, and then afterwards she came back to my house and she initiated having sex with me. I wasn't even thinking it was gonna happen that fast and honestly I don't feel good about having sex with women while they are tipsy. The next morning I tried to have sex with her again (I guess this was to assure myself she didn't just do it just because she was drunk.) and she told me "she was embarrassed" and she would have sex with me next time and she abruptly left early in the morning. I then tried to invite her over on another day and I told her I had stuff I had to do later on that day so I would like to see her Saturday at around 12 p.m. She told me she would see about it and never really confirmed. Then, Saturday morning I woke up early to try and confirm. She had worked Friday so she slept all night. She woke up at 10:30 a.m. and told me that I couldn't see her cause she had to get ready. I asked her for a time she'd be ready but she wouldn't give me one cause I was gonna come to pick her up. She never gave me a time, she would just keep telling me later, later. Then finally at 2 p.m. she wrote she was ready. It was quite odd that someone couldn't give an approximate time they'd be ready. Again I saw her, I took her to a nice restaurant (she stated her ex never did so I wanted to show her she was worth it) and as we were leaving one of her ex's friends saw us. She appeared so scared abd was afraid her ex's friend would tell her ex. Afterwards, we went out to the movies, came back to my house, she insisted she drink, then she had sex with me again while drunk woke up the next morning and again left very early.

    The next week I tried to see her on her days off three times and she would tell me she probably could come. The day of would come and she got off at 2 p.m then I'd ask are you gonna be able to meet up tonight and she'd tell me she was gonna tell me "later". I found it quite puzzling someone would need to let me know if they were going to see me on that day later. Then, later on I'd ask and she'd cancel saying she's tired. Finally we saw each other and she told me that her ex's friend told her ex about me and that he said all sorts of bad things about me and "got in her head" about me. Her ex was about 8 years older than her and I am around her age so her ex stated I was a young guy and I was gonna play with her, etc and that she is now getting a big head cause a guy took her out to an expensive restaurant. She told me that's what made her apprehensive about seeing me. In my own thought I honestly thought she may have been seeing this guy.

    I've tried to show her how great of a man I can be by taking her out, introducing her to my friends, etc. She never texts me she's thinking of me, how my day is, nothing. She continually talks about this ex, sends me text messages the ex sent her. The only time it seems like she has any sort of personality is when we talk about her ex. She won't hold my hand, she won't cuddle with me, she won't show any affection cause she says she's "not ready" but she slept with me twice. I finally told her let's just be friends and I will go and date other people and if i am still single when she's over her ex we can continue. Then she told me she I am impatient and I should wait for her to be more comfortable to cuddle, text me she misses me, etc. And then she told me I am pressuring her and I told her all the pressure is removed if we just stop having sex, we remain friends and I pursue other women and when she's ready if I happen to be single and she is we can continue but she said she "doesn't like that". I told her how long am I to wait? It's so difficult to be in this degregated relationship and I have no end in sight.

    I feel like I am in competition with this guy and what sucks even more is that he is still seeing other girls, living his life up while he is still able to control her and make whoever she tries to move on with's life a nightmare trying to date her. It's like he holds all the cards. I hate her situation but at the same time the misery has kind of just bled into my self esteem to know that I can't even get her attention off an awful guy like he was to her. She said used to yell at her, berate her, kick her out, constantly cheat on her, etc. The whole situation is just totally confusing and I don't know whether or give up or hold out. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Advice on Dating girl not over her ex
    I wouldn't do it. Period. I'd tell her that I like her and can picture the two of us dating in the future, and if she ever finds herself completely over and done with her ex, she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

    Any sooner than that is rebound territory. Read up on THAT.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Good grief, you really need to find a new girl to date. This one is a flake and unless and until she finally gets her idiot ex out of her system you will keep having to deal with her talking about him and being worried about being seen with you by his friends. She sounds messed up to me and just not ready to date anyone yet. You can do better. Find someone in a sensible frame of mind, which this girl is not.

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    I agree 100% with Melancholy. Leave her alone. She's on the rebound and that's not a good sign. The fact that she is talking so much about her ex is a huge red flag, OP. Seriously, you know better. She is all over the place. Don't get yourself embroiled in this truly disturbing situation, please. Do you really want to be part of this messed up situation so early on? Don't do that to yourself. Have some self-respect. Find someone who is ready for a relationship. Clearly, this girl is not.

    One more thing: do yourself a favour and walk away, now. That's my advice.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Dump her. She's an unreliable ditz. Move onto a woman who can give you a stable, respectful, normal friendship and relationship.

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    Alright that's exactly was my feeling here. This was my first time to experience this before and I think I've learned a life lesson.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RoninX
    Alright that's exactly was my feeling here. This was my first time to experience this before and I think I've learned a life lesson.
    I hope so or you are going to lead a life of frustration and serious unpleasantness. This is not how good and stable and enjoyable relationships work.

  9. #8
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    This girl is a complete waste of your time, OP.

    You only stand to get hurt here. She is not dating you for the right reasons and will most likely go back to her ex.

    Never bother with a girl who is so hung on up on another guy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it seems like just drunken hookups at this point while she's on/off with her bf. Hard to give up easy sex like this but surely you know she'll get back with him sooner or later. She uses you for a shoulder to cry on and you use her for easy drunken sex. Be careful about the drunken hookups. She may tell her bf you date-raped her when she talks to him and they get back together.. You both know this is going nowhere, so don't worry about it.
    Originally Posted by RoninX
    We went on a third date with her friend out to a bar, she got pretty tipsy, and then afterwards she came back to my house and she initiated having sex with me.

    She won't hold my hand, she won't cuddle with me, she won't show any affection cause she says she's "not ready" but she slept with me twice. she told me I am pressuring her

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    OPer are you sure you aren’t attached to the idea of proving yourself to her?

    I’m asking because she’s done nothing that I see that would liken herself to you...

    I’m trying but I can’t inagine any scenario where I walk into a first date with a guy and he spends the entire time talking about himself and his ex and me thinking after: ‘this guys a keeper!’

    See what I mean, there’s a disconnect here, she’s rebounding, no question, and shame on her for dragging you into her mess but I gotta ask what is appealing about this flaming disaster?

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