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Wife may be lacking commitment to us


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This goes hand, and hand with my most recent post, except this time its about my wife herself.

 

My wife and i have been together 2 years (married).

 

Anywho my wife seems like she can be the culprit for a lot of our past relationship problems (>11 years now).

 

The problems typically have arisen over the past ~11 years primarily due to her allowing her family to get in between us. This has happened both pre-marriage, and post marriage.

 

I'll speak to most recently to now that we are married, and have a 6 week old boy.

 

So ever since we had our boy we'll refer to give as T going forward - my wife, and her family have just been way over the top with me.

 

It appears my wife colludes with them to make decisions about our family matters such as T without informing me at all what is going on.

 

Most recently - we got a trash bag full of hand-me-down clothes from her coworker. Some of them never fit T, or are not wanted (all her choice).

 

Anyway, today I see her putting some more stuff in that trash bag. I ask, "oh what is in the trash bag" she mentions "oh, i was going to give this trash bag full of clothes to my BIL/SIL" - her brother, and SIL.

 

(Keep in mind, this brother has zero need for it (financially) speaking - their having their first boy in ~1 month) - seems innocuous, huh?

 

Well, my wife never told me any of this, and wouldn't have told me anything about it if I didn't ask.

 

This represents (1) very, very innocuous issue, but the principal of the matter (her not telling me stuff, and just colluding with them behind my back - when im not around) and just doing it is really what I'm pissed off about.

 

I've mentioned I think it'd help if we went to marriage counseling, but she is against it.

 

I would prefer not to divorce her (in the long term) because i care a lot about her, but she is constantly been colluding with them for years about stuff, and now it deals with my son.

 

I'm not really sure how to handle this situation.

 

Please help.

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Anyway, today I see her putting some more stuff in that trash bag. I ask, "oh what is in the trash bag" she mentions "oh, i was going to give this trash bag full of clothes to my BIL/SIL" - her brother, and SIL.

 

(Keep in mind, this brother has zero need for it (financially) speaking - their having their first boy in ~1 month) - seems innocuous, huh?

Yes, it does. Because it is. You want her to include you on whatever decisions you feel slighted over yet you're butthurt over her making the babiest of executive decisions handing off the spare clothes her coworker gave her to her brother's family who's expecting a kid? I get you don't like the guy, but that's next level petty ****.

 

Seriously-- are you on the juice? That's not her "colluding." That's you with some messed up anger issues. No grown ass woman should have to defend handing off baby clothes to her future niece's/nephew's family.

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Yes, it does. Because it is. You want her to include you on whatever decisions you feel slighted over yet you're butthurt over her making the babiest of executive decisions handing off the spare clothes her coworker gave her to her brother's family who's expecting a kid? I get you don't like the guy, but that's next level petty ****.

 

Seriously-- are you on the juice? That's not her "colluding." That's you with some messed up anger issues. No grown ass woman should have to defend handing off baby clothes to her future niece's/nephew's family.

 

im still trying to determine exactly how any of your replies are helpful to anyone except maybe to uplift yourself?

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It might help if you have more examples of how you feel she and her family collude against you. This example you gave seems extremely benign and just plain normal behavior. She doesn’t want the clothes, she’s passing them on to a family member who might want them ... what about this upsets you? It sounds to me like she didn’t specifically mention it to you because it didn’t even show up on her radar as notable, and it wouldn’t have shown up on mine either. It’s not the sort of thing I would even run by my husband.

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Why does she have to tell you that she passed on some used baby clothes ? Does she have no autonomy as a human being ? Or is it that everything about her family annoys the shyte out of you ? Because if so I would get a divorce now because her family is her family and they’re not going to change for you . I get it. My in-laws are aholes . But fighting about clothes is idiotic .

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im still trying to determine exactly how any of your replies are helpful to anyone except maybe to uplift yourself?

 

You've overly sensitive and you've got anger issues. Worse, you avoid responsibility and borderline gaslight your wife pushing her into marital counseling as though your inability to self-regulate like a grown man should is somehow a collaboration.

 

I'm sure you'll get a few bleeding hearts with the best of intentions in here trying dig deep, but the reality is you have problems. You need to own them and get them resolved. Yelling at grandmothers to "get the **** out." Denying your wife the most basic level of autonomy to hand off baby clothes she doesn't need to her future niece or nephew without your permission.

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I do agree with the others, a_lifters_life, that your wife providing the used clothing to her brother and SIL, without discussing it with you, is a non-issue.

 

You have a six week old, so I have no doubt that your wife's life is revolving around the baby, and the baby alone. She would barely have any time to eat, sleep and brush her teeth, nevermind stopping to ask you whether she should be giving clothes away, which at the end of the day, are to help out her family with a new baby. Your wife should not have to run every little thing by you. You have to let it go.

 

I do think j.man is onto something here. After reading this post and some of your previous threads, I think it would be helpful for you to consider your role in these scenarios instead of playing the victim.

 

Seems like there are issues at play here, and your wife giving away baby clothing to help out her brother and SIL is not one of them.

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My husband would not have been the least bit interested if I was giving away baby clothes that didnt fit our child. Why should your wife have to run this past you? Do you really care about baby clothes that are too small? How is this colluding? She's passing them on to someone who could use them.

 

Colluding seems like such an over the top word to use to describe how your wife and her parents talk. You do seem angry and seem to have a need to be in the middle of things. Are you really like that?

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You come on here frequently asking for advice (allegedly), then proceed to get into written altercations with almost everyone who responds.

 

Are you just looking to get into online disputes? Serious question, because every time you post you get annoyed at the responses...yet, you keep returning to post.

 

I wonder if you really believe any of the responders can help you.

 

And I fail to see how your wife giving away unwanted hand me down used baby clothes translates to her "lacking commitment to" the marriage.

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I agree with the others. All couples have their boundaries about decision making - for example some couples know to consult one another if they plan to spend over $500 while for other couples it might be $50. I bet all couples make mistakes either consulting too much (meaning - why do I need to know you’re buying the back to the future dvd set before I’ve had my coffee) or too little. And mostly you let it go. Because we’re human and not mind readers. I gave away a lot of baby and toddler clothes and made maybe a passing comment to my husband BUT I would never give away clothing his family gave us that had any significance without asking him. Because I know he’d want to know. Your jobs as spouses are to do your best in knowing each other, in really listening so that these kinds of conflicts are lessened and if they happen you trust each other to know that it was an innocent mistake of judgment and you move past it. Good luck and congrats on your little boy!!

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Well, my wife never told me any of this, and wouldn't have told me anything about it if I didn't ask.

 

This represents (1) very, very innocuous issue, but the principal of the matter (her not telling me stuff, and just colluding with them behind my back - when im not around) and just doing it is really what I'm pissed off about.

The last thing in the world my husband would give a flying **** about is what I did with a bag of hand me down clothes. SMH.

 

Op: I'm wondering, and asked without malice, do you take 'supplements' to help you lift? Anything that may cause you to become angry over something so trivial? (Roids, maybe?)

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Right? Jeebus. My husband wouldn’t even know the bag was there if it was sitting on his head. He wouldn’t give a CRAP about me giving used clothes to my nieces .

The last thing in the world my husband would give a flying **** about is what I did with a bag of hand me down clothes. SMH.
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Having read some of your previous threads, it is so blatantly obvious that for some reason I cannot quite fathom yet (and no, the playful jabs he made at you are NOT reason to hate him like you do) you deeply, deeply despise your wife's family, and especially both your brothers in law (AND their children on top of that, who are innocent in all this!).

 

I don't think this is about her giving away the babyclothes at all, you're just mad that she's giving them to your brother-in-law. You even had to include that he has no financial need for free clothes, just to emphasize how non-deserving he is of the clothes.

 

What is it with you? You seem extremely insecure, resentful, angry and and all around unpleasant person to be around. From reading your past threads it almost seems like you are jealous of your BIL's and/or have inferiority issues going on, hence your extreme and unusual dislike towards them. In NONE of the threads you've written I could see anything in their behavior that would warrant such disdain from you. If I were you I would take some time to re-evaluate yourself and figure out what the in the heck is really going on with yourself.

 

You and your wife have broken up several times before, took 8 yrs to propose and you only ended up doing it because she was pressuring you, there have always been issues in the relationship such as you never quite figuring out if you were truly happy in it, and you were never able to envision your life with your in-laws constantly being a part of it. You now say you would "prefer not to divorce" because you "care a lot about her" rather than divorce is not an option because she's the love of your life (the way you phrase things on here says a lot about your true feelings about something or someone). On top of your insecurity with yourself, I sense some deep-seated unhappiness in the relationship with your wife & your continuous anger and paranoia that they are somehow "plotting against you" may just be a symptom of that. Just some things to think about.

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I am so thankful that I don’t have to deal with your pettiness personally. I’ve given away assloades of Baby clothes that my daughter outgrew and my fiancé has never made a peep about it, let alone notice. I’m so thankful for him in this moment I think I’m going to run him a bubble bath and pour him a glass of whiskey.

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It appears my wife colludes with them to make decisions about our family matters such as T without informing me at all what is going on.

 

Most recently - we got a trash bag full of hand-me-down clothes from her coworker. Some of them never fit T, or are not wanted (all her choice).

 

Anyway, today I see her putting some more stuff in that trash bag. I ask, "oh what is in the trash bag" she mentions "oh, i was going to give this trash bag full of clothes to my BIL/SIL" - her brother, and SIL.

 

(Keep in mind, this brother has zero need for it (financially) speaking - their having their first boy in ~1 month) - seems innocuous, huh?

 

What school to choose, whether you spank or don't spank, etc are parenting choices. Passing on clothing that you were given for free that you will not use is not a parenting decision. They were give to HER, not you, and she is getting rid of what the child will not use or will use but not for several years. In the meantime, another child can wear it and it can be handed back down. Even parents who make decent money are helped immensely by hand me downs. Kids are expensive

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Ok then make it about better communication in general. Don't sweat the small stuff, it makes mountains out of molehills and you won't get taken seriously. Handed down baby clothes? Don't worry about it. Now, if she buys a Jaguar or sells the house without conferring with you, well then you've got something to moan about.

 

Accept that they have been family a long time and will do what they do without running it by you all the time, especially inconsequential stuff. . Pick your battles, life will be a lot more peaceful that way. Give each other some breathing room to make autonomous choices. Being in each other's space and face too much is worse than a lack of communication.

I've mentioned I think it'd help if we went to marriage counseling, but she is against it.

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It appears my wife colludes with them to make decisions about our family matters such as T without informing me at all what is going on.

 

Most recently - we got a trash bag full of hand-me-down clothes from her coworker. Some of them never fit T, or are not wanted (all her choice).

 

Anyway, today I see her putting some more stuff in that trash bag. I ask, "oh what is in the trash bag" she mentions "oh, i was going to give this trash bag full of clothes to my BIL/SIL" - her brother, and SIL.

 

(Keep in mind, this brother has zero need for it (financially) speaking - their having their first boy in ~1 month) - seems innocuous, huh?

 

What school to choose, whether you spank or don't spank, etc are parenting choices. Passing on clothing that you were given for free that you will not use is not a parenting decision. They were give to HER, not you, and she is getting rid of what the child will not use or will use but not for several years. In the meantime, another child can wear it and it can be handed back down. Even parents who make decent money are helped immensely by hand me downs. Kids are expensive

 

OP -we had zero "need" for hand me downs financially from an objective standpoint and we had many friends and family who had babies first as we were in our 40s when we became parents It never would have occurred to us to say "no, keep those, we're going to buy all new clothes" (also we knew we were one and done). I took everything offered and if we could not use them we passed them along as appropriate. Like I said I would never give away clothing with nostalgic value (including hand me downs from family if there was something that my husband noted, etc)- then I am sure I would have checked with my husband if it was something significant. And he knows that. Please reconsider.

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OP -we had zero "need" for hand me downs financially from an objective standpoint and we had many friends and family who had babies first as we were in our 40s when we became parents It never would have occurred to us to say "no, keep those, we're going to buy all new clothes" (also we knew we were one and done). I took everything offered and if we could not use them we passed them along as appropriate. Like I said I would never give away clothing with nostalgic value (including hand me downs from family if there was something that my husband noted, etc)- then I am sure I would have checked with my husband if it was something significant. And he knows that. Please reconsider.

 

exactly. And kids grow so fast and make lots of laundry.

If they were from HIS family and not a coworker so therefore there might be an outfit he had himself worn when he was little, then i would side with him. To me, this is just about control. Unless this is a poor example of what he was trying to illustrate.

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