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Thread: Girl told my mate it's too early after 7 dates + doesn't always respond?

  1. #1
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    Girl told my mate it's too early after 7 dates + doesn't always respond?

    I met a girl at the beginning of May so over 2 months now and since the meet up we have had 7 dates, the most recent of which being last Saturday. Things seemed to be going really well and I'd told my mates that I was planning on asking her out (stupid of me I admit). Anyway on last Saturdays date we were out at an event with 3 of my mates and 1 of their girlfriends (I'd agreed to go to this with them before I even met her). Obviously my mates knew I was planning on asking her at the evening time but annoyingly stuck their noses in and took it upon themselves to gauge her opinion before I asked, as they were worried I'd get knocked back.

    The girl I'm dating and my mates gf got friendly as girls do, and on one of their toilet trips my mates gf asked this lass what she would think if I asked her to be official, to which she responded along the lines of 'I'm not sure yet, I think it's too soon'. Obviously my mates gf told me this and warned me not to ask her in case I got knocked back, so I left it.

    Other than that things have been going really well and she actually slept back at mine that night as we got in late, plus I went to visit her on Tuesday (not a date though) and I'm taking her out for a meal tomorrow. Also she sent a message the other day saying I should get to know her mum and we should go out for a meal the 3 of us (me, her and her ma) which is always a good sign. Should I be worried by the 'too soon' thing eventhough it's been 2+ months and 7 dates, or could that be quite normal?

    The other thing that's concerning me is that she often doesn't respond to messages for hours despite obviously using her phone (as she is posting on social media). As an example I sent her a good morning text about 5 hours ago asking what she has planned today and as of yet she hasn't got back despite been on whatsapp etc several times, and this happens on quite a regular basis. She's obviously been responding to other people this morning but not me yet. I'm not one of them lads that expects constant responses, but at the same time if she's obviously responding to others yet ignoring me for hours, it is a concern as to why. Also a third concern is that every meetup we've had so far has been suggested by me, if I didn't mention another meet up ever again I'm not sure if she would or not...

    Do you guys think I'm over worrying? I mean the fact she keeps agreeing to meet is the main thing surely, but I'd still like some other opinions on this and what I should do? Do I just keep meeting and go with the flow and hold off asking anything in terms of been official for now or? I know people often say you don't even need to have a 'talk' and it just progresses, but at the moment I'd still say I'm single and I'm certain she would too.

    One part of me thinks she wants to keep meeting me and that's the main thing, but then other parts worry why she's still telling people she's unsure after 2 months, and why she often doesn't respond to my messages.
    Last edited by Liv9943; 07-20-2019 at 07:57 AM.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Why don't you stop communicating with her for a while and see if she reaches out to contact you?

    It's probably more interesting for her to be posting on social media than to be outlining her day for you. If she wants to see you, she can contact you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I agree with the other poster that at this point, she should be making an equal effort in both communicating and asking you for dates. Don't ask for exclusivity until you're happy with her efforts. She should also be paying for some of the dates, treating you on occasion. If she fades away and is lazy about making any efforts with you, I'd let her fade away, too.

    Learn from your mistakes that you can no longer divulge things to your friends that you don't want them interfering with. It was wrong of them to intrude like this. I'd also have a talk with them to set them straight, and that you weren't happy with their overstepping boundaries.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with Sarah. If you don't give her a chance to reach out first or make a planówell, you'll never know if she'll reach out and make a plan. It's best to create the kind of dynamic in early dating that you'd like inside a relationship, you know?

    In terms of the big picture, I wouldn't fret too much. It's all pretty early, and just because someone isn't moving at the exact same pace you are it doesn't mean they're not interested. I can only speak for myself, but I don't like labeling things quickly, preferring to let it kind of happen slowly, organically, together. My girlfriend and I didn't use those labels/have that talk until something like 4 months in. By then it was just a formality: both of us were invested, only interested in the other, and had been basically since the first date. But I think we both liked having time to let the roots grow without needing to know exactly what those roots were growing, if that makes sense.

    Also, as Sarah said, outlining days can be pretty boring. Equally boring? Feeling like someone is asking you to outline their day less because they care about what your day looks like (buying stamps at 10, eating a salad at noon, working) than that they care about being assured that you're interested in them. Personally, I try to steer clear of using texts for that stuff or phones to gauge the health of a relationship. High probability for anxiety, little for pleasure.

    So deep breaths, keep feeling it out. As you said, it certainly sounds like she's more interested than not. Keep exploring, stay curious.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Bluecastle is right. Don't text her every day with boring questions. Sure, it's fine to ask what her plans are when you want to make plans with her, but otherwise it comes off as a pain to answer (and sometimes a little controlling). Which you may very well be if you're already anxiously looking to see if she's used other apps before responding to you.

    In regards to the texting part of your post, step one is to cut back, step two is to put your phone down and engage in your day after you've sent a text, and step three is to only text her if you have something funny or genuinely interesting to say. You guys are seeing each other regularly and she didn't report that she wants nothing serious out of you, so if you play your cards right and don't get needy from your insecurity it will likely be fine.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Forget about the texts. The main purpose of texts and calls in dating is to set a date. A reply to a text within 24 hours is reasonable.

    But two months of dating is long enough for her to fall for you if she ever would, and want to be exclusive. It's probably not going to happen. At the least I'd not put all my eggs in one basket and look into multi-dating.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not feeling it and I don't think she's interested. She's biding her time with you while gauging other options. You may be a decent option but you're not creating sparks and that means lukewarm interests. If you do like her a lot, bide your time with her and be patient with her but at this early stage, I think the sparks should be flying. If you're not sensing enough chemistry, this is not the person for you.

    I'm not a fan of her asking you to get to know her mum either if she hardly replies to your messages enthusiastically. It could just be her personality but there's either something wrong with you she wants screened by her mum or there's something wrong about her mum she wants to gauge your reaction to. She may also be unusually attached to her mother and she requires her mother's approval mentally/emotionally. This is a red flag to me and speaks of someone who's shaky or not confident enough. If she's fresh out of another relationship she may be jumbled in her idea of what comes first while dating someone new. How long has she been single?

    I'd pay more attention to your in-person chemistry. Pull back from the texting and calling and let her come to you. If she doesn't initiate anything else, you have your answer. I'd be wary of the meeting with her mother and pay attention to her family relationships.

  9. #8
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    I would take any second hand info with a grain of salt. It is none of the friend's girlfriend's business what she thinks and she was put on the spot. I would not give a guy i met's friend's girlfriend an answer about anything.

    I think you are involving too many people in your relationships (your friends knew you wanted to ask her, etc. and even intervened). This is not a marriage proposal and if in seven dates not all those dates are exclusive and some are with groups really - you are either seeing others or you are not but its not the time to ask her on a group date. You go out on the eighth date and softball "i am not seeing anyone else except you..."

    Also. i will say sometimes i don't see a text but see a app notification. I agree that i would focus on the next date at this point instead of testing how long it takes for her to reply

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try to set up more one-on-one dates rather than hanging out on groups. Also you are not dating enough to build momentum. Ask her out more than every few weeks.

    Is this the same girl?: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by Liv9943
    2 months now and since the meet up we have had 7 dates. she responded along the lines of 'I'm not sure yet, I think it's too soon'.

  11. #10
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    Enthusiasm equals interest. She isn't showing much.

    Lack of response to a good morning text is pretty telling. It takes no thought or effort. If she was delighted to receive it, she would reciprocate without much thought. To let it just go stale seems indifferent.

    As far as planning dates go, if she is interested and doesn't want to do any heavy lifting, then you have to ask if that's the kind of person you want to date. There's nothing wrong with that approach, it's just not for everyone, and sounds like it's not for you.

    If I was a betting man, I would bet she's not interested. Interested people act interested. It's pretty predictable.


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