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Thread: Iím growing apart from my fiancť because of the strain of his family

  1. #1
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    Iím growing apart from my fiancť because of the strain of his family

    Iím relatively new to this forum. Iíve been reaching out because I donít really have any other outlets. This will be kind of long:
    Iím 26 years old and my fiancť is 24, 25 next month. Weíve been together for four years. He proposed after 7 months. Iím in love with him, without a doubt but Iím starting to resent him. This year we made a new step in our relationship and got our first apartment together. Leading up to this I was in a really bad relationship with his family. When we started out we had no problems. They were nice and I felt welcomed, but after a while his mother and cousin started treating me differently. Prior to recent times, his mother had been very mean and hostile towards me. Sheís called me out of my name several times and accused me of being things that I am not. His cousin was nice to me for awhile before then, but when her mother died she changed. She did things on purpose to me and would subliminally make it known she didnít like me either I guess to side with his mother. This happened for a long time, approximately a year and a half. It got so bad that I had to go to therapy because I would be severely depressed everyday and I couldnít go see him at the house he resided with him before we moved in together without having anxiety attacks. They would choose whether or not they wanted to be nice to me when I would visit him and lashed out at him prior to him moving out.

    When we moved in it was really really great. We finally got to be alone without having someone criticize us for it (they in no words but through their actions showed that they felt I was taking him away from them) we got to enjoy about two months of pure bliss being on a high of being alone together. This is where things began to get really really messed up.

    The house they were living in was getting ready to be seized from the bank. They had notice of this for months. They did nothing about it. They werenít working to obtain any money/saving up, only one of them had a job at the time and they werenít applying for any other places. For two months they did nothing. Thatís when he had a discussion with me and asked if something would happen could they stay here with us in our apartment. I of course said no.

    He was reluctant and kind of made me feel heartless for my choice, but I was seeing therapist at the time and she strongly advised against it, citing my mental health as the reason. These people caused me a lot of trauma so why would I welcome them in my house?

    This was last month. Fast forward to the last week of that month. They were put out of their house, and without my consent he told them that they could come to our house. I was devastated. We only have a one bedroom apartment and his family consists of five individuals.

    For a week straight I cried and wanted nothing to do with him. He convinced me that this was something that was fate and that maybe it would help us to mend our relationship. The problem is I was far from making the necessary steps to heal from the pain they caused me. I hadnít even began to scratch the surface in therapy, let alone had the courage to forgive them. And I look up and they are in my house.

    Thatís when the resentment started. And for a while whenever I would look at him I would feel sick. I contemplated leaving him but we had already made a decision to be in this apartment together and breaking the lease would cost us. Plus my therapy had been cut because my insurance was cancelled because I had outgrown my parents policy. For the first two weeks of them being there I was miserable.

    They made a slight effort to apologize for their behavior, which I accepted but struggled to find it being genuine. I realized that they maybe figured since I could tell them to leave based off of their behavior alone, they were better off being nice and kissing up than showing their true feelings.

    They made empty promises that they would do everything they could in the month there to leave, and would definitely be out by the first. I warmed up to my fiancť as time went by this month, it was going faster than I thought it would. I was ready for things to go back to normal. But I noticed that as time went by there was no effort on their part to find a place of their own. And they were getting very comfortable as there behavior towards me began to appear more genuine. I started to get scared.

    Then my nephew died. And I was forced to grieve in front of them. And I told my fiancť that I had been pushed to my limit and I wanted my solitude back. Thatís when he told me that they have absolutely nothing set in stone with a million excuses for them, telling me that they would have to stay another month.

    Iím putting on a facade now. And I have no idea what to do. I feel like crying every day. My house is in shambles. Their habits have spilled over into our household. Their taking over our privacy and space. And he wants to make me endure it for another 30 days.

    I donít want to be heartless but I donít want want to be miserable anymore either. Please help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Give him one more month and after that, either you go or they go. If you can wait that long, that is.

    Is there any way they can receive some type of temporary government assistance?

    Obviously, your fiance doesn't want to kick them to the streets. I hope they're good on their word regarding another 30 days. After that, time is really up and they need to leave.

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    ďHe convinced me that this was something that was fate and that maybe it would help us to mend our relationship.Ē

    What was wrong in your relationship that needed mending?
    You havenít mentioned that specifically.
    Why move in with someone if the relationship is failing or needing mending???

    Why are you fighting with his family? And why are you needing therapy for it?
    What does your therapist say?

    Is this a cultural difference perhaps?

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get your name off the lease and move back home. If you continue to live with him or worse, marry him, your life will be a living hell.
    Originally Posted by Onen
    without my consent he told them that they could come to our house. I was devastated. We only have a one bedroom apartment and his family consists of five individuals. my therapy had been cut because my insurance was cancelled because I had outgrown my parents policy.

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    He was talking about his family. I explained in the post that they were unnecessarily mean to me for no reason for a year and a half prior, and he thought that by them moving in it could help to repair the relationship between us. We moved away so that we could have more privacy and build together. Most of our relationship problems were the result of his family.

    Ultimately I think the fighting stemmed from him drifting away from them and wanting to start a family with me. Theyíre really used to him basically being the man of the house and taking care of them and they donít want him to do that with anyone else because theyíre afraid theyíll lose him.

    I needed therapy because the treatment from them was so bad it was causing me to have anxiety attacks and depression.

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    ďHe convinced me that this was something that was fate and that maybe it would help us to mend our relationship.Ē

    What was wrong in your relationship that needed mending?
    You havenít mentioned that specifically.
    Why move in with someone if the relationship is failing or needing mending???

    Why are you fighting with his family? And why are you needing therapy for it?
    What does your therapist say?

    Is this a cultural difference perhaps?
    He was talking about his family. I explained in the post that they were unnecessarily mean to me for no reason for a year and a half prior, and he thought that by them moving in it could help to repair the relationship between us. We moved away so that we could have more privacy and build together. Most of our relationship problems were the result of his family.

    Ultimately I think the fighting stemmed from him drifting away from them and wanting to start a family with me. Theyíre really used to him basically being the man of the house and taking care of them and they donít want him to do that with anyone else because theyíre afraid theyíll lose him.

    I needed therapy because the treatment from them was so bad it was causing me to have anxiety attacks and depression.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you forced to be with him/them? Is this an arranged marriage?

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are you forced to be with him/them? Is this an arranged marriage?
    No not at all

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He failed to stand up to his family when they were mean to you. What should he have done? If they were inappropriate with you, he should have said to them: "I can't force you to like my fiancť, but when we are around you, you need to be pleasant and respectful, just as I expect her to be with you."

    You teach a person how to treat you. When they are mean, disrespectful, unkind, they lose your company. You tell them to leave. You leave. You hang up the phone if they don't live by your reasonable rules.

    He has chosen his family's well being over yours, and don't expect that will change with marriage. What you see is what you get. He didn't act as a team, making a major decision with you. He went behind your back.

    They might be breaking federal occupancy standards with seven people in a one bedroom unit. I wouldn't even stay with this man after he'd treated me in this way. What would I do? I'd tell him: When I signed the lease, I did it under the reasonable assumption it was a rental for you and I. I'm moving out because these living standards are unacceptable to me. (If his family hasn't made wise decisions financially in their life to get them in this predicament, that's their problem, not yours)

    If he threatens to sue you to pay your half of the lease, ask him who he thinks will win when he has illegally moved in 5 more people, violating the lease agreement which will clearly state the names of only two occupants.

    He's not good husband material.

  11. #10
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    I would move out and go stay with your family for a bit where you can grieve together and support eachother. This is nuts. 7 people in a one bedroom? When i rented, my lease was explicit about guests. if they stayed more than x amount of days without my landlords prior knowledge or permission, they had to be background checked and pay rent OR depending on who they were or the number of people i could be evicted. If you won't move - take your valuables and go visit your family for a week or two to clear your head.

    How are they living? In sleeping bags in the living room?

    coming for the night when the power was out and they have no heat or something is one thing - but months???

    Honestly, i would go away for a couple weeks and when you come back, give back the ring

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