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I’m growing apart from my fiancé because of the strain of his family


Onen

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I’m relatively new to this forum. I’ve been reaching out because I don’t really have any other outlets. This will be kind of long:

I’m 26 years old and my fiancé is 24, 25 next month. We’ve been together for four years. He proposed after 7 months. I’m in love with him, without a doubt but I’m starting to resent him. This year we made a new step in our relationship and got our first apartment together. Leading up to this I was in a really bad relationship with his family. When we started out we had no problems. They were nice and I felt welcomed, but after a while his mother and cousin started treating me differently. Prior to recent times, his mother had been very mean and hostile towards me. She’s called me out of my name several times and accused me of being things that I am not. His cousin was nice to me for awhile before then, but when her mother died she changed. She did things on purpose to me and would subliminally make it known she didn’t like me either I guess to side with his mother. This happened for a long time, approximately a year and a half. It got so bad that I had to go to therapy because I would be severely depressed everyday and I couldn’t go see him at the house he resided with him before we moved in together without having anxiety attacks. They would choose whether or not they wanted to be nice to me when I would visit him and lashed out at him prior to him moving out.

 

When we moved in it was really really great. We finally got to be alone without having someone criticize us for it (they in no words but through their actions showed that they felt I was taking him away from them) we got to enjoy about two months of pure bliss being on a high of being alone together. This is where things began to get really really messed up.

 

The house they were living in was getting ready to be seized from the bank. They had notice of this for months. They did nothing about it. They weren’t working to obtain any money/saving up, only one of them had a job at the time and they weren’t applying for any other places. For two months they did nothing. That’s when he had a discussion with me and asked if something would happen could they stay here with us in our apartment. I of course said no.

 

He was reluctant and kind of made me feel heartless for my choice, but I was seeing therapist at the time and she strongly advised against it, citing my mental health as the reason. These people caused me a lot of trauma so why would I welcome them in my house?

 

This was last month. Fast forward to the last week of that month. They were put out of their house, and without my consent he told them that they could come to our house. I was devastated. We only have a one bedroom apartment and his family consists of five individuals.

 

For a week straight I cried and wanted nothing to do with him. He convinced me that this was something that was fate and that maybe it would help us to mend our relationship. The problem is I was far from making the necessary steps to heal from the pain they caused me. I hadn’t even began to scratch the surface in therapy, let alone had the courage to forgive them. And I look up and they are in my house.

 

That’s when the resentment started. And for a while whenever I would look at him I would feel sick. I contemplated leaving him but we had already made a decision to be in this apartment together and breaking the lease would cost us. Plus my therapy had been cut because my insurance was cancelled because I had outgrown my parents policy. For the first two weeks of them being there I was miserable.

 

They made a slight effort to apologize for their behavior, which I accepted but struggled to find it being genuine. I realized that they maybe figured since I could tell them to leave based off of their behavior alone, they were better off being nice and kissing up than showing their true feelings.

 

They made empty promises that they would do everything they could in the month there to leave, and would definitely be out by the first. I warmed up to my fiancé as time went by this month, it was going faster than I thought it would. I was ready for things to go back to normal. But I noticed that as time went by there was no effort on their part to find a place of their own. And they were getting very comfortable as there behavior towards me began to appear more genuine. I started to get scared.

 

Then my nephew died. And I was forced to grieve in front of them. And I told my fiancé that I had been pushed to my limit and I wanted my solitude back. That’s when he told me that they have absolutely nothing set in stone with a million excuses for them, telling me that they would have to stay another month.

 

I’m putting on a facade now. And I have no idea what to do. I feel like crying every day. My house is in shambles. Their habits have spilled over into our household. Their taking over our privacy and space. And he wants to make me endure it for another 30 days.

 

I don’t want to be heartless but I don’t want want to be miserable anymore either. Please help

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Give him one more month and after that, either you go or they go. If you can wait that long, that is.

 

Is there any way they can receive some type of temporary government assistance?

 

Obviously, your fiance doesn't want to kick them to the streets. I hope they're good on their word regarding another 30 days. After that, time is really up and they need to leave.

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“He convinced me that this was something that was fate and that maybe it would help us to mend our relationship.”

 

What was wrong in your relationship that needed mending?

You haven’t mentioned that specifically.

Why move in with someone if the relationship is failing or needing mending???

 

Why are you fighting with his family? And why are you needing therapy for it?

What does your therapist say?

 

Is this a cultural difference perhaps?

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Get your name off the lease and move back home. If you continue to live with him or worse, marry him, your life will be a living hell.

without my consent he told them that they could come to our house. I was devastated. We only have a one bedroom apartment and his family consists of five individuals. my therapy had been cut because my insurance was cancelled because I had outgrown my parents policy.
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He was talking about his family. I explained in the post that they were unnecessarily mean to me for no reason for a year and a half prior, and he thought that by them moving in it could help to repair the relationship between us. We moved away so that we could have more privacy and build together. Most of our relationship problems were the result of his family.

 

Ultimately I think the fighting stemmed from him drifting away from them and wanting to start a family with me. They’re really used to him basically being the man of the house and taking care of them and they don’t want him to do that with anyone else because they’re afraid they’ll lose him.

 

I needed therapy because the treatment from them was so bad it was causing me to have anxiety attacks and depression.

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“He convinced me that this was something that was fate and that maybe it would help us to mend our relationship.”

 

What was wrong in your relationship that needed mending?

You haven’t mentioned that specifically.

Why move in with someone if the relationship is failing or needing mending???

 

Why are you fighting with his family? And why are you needing therapy for it?

What does your therapist say?

 

Is this a cultural difference perhaps?

 

He was talking about his family. I explained in the post that they were unnecessarily mean to me for no reason for a year and a half prior, and he thought that by them moving in it could help to repair the relationship between us. We moved away so that we could have more privacy and build together. Most of our relationship problems were the result of his family.

 

Ultimately I think the fighting stemmed from him drifting away from them and wanting to start a family with me. They’re really used to him basically being the man of the house and taking care of them and they don’t want him to do that with anyone else because they’re afraid they’ll lose him.

 

I needed therapy because the treatment from them was so bad it was causing me to have anxiety attacks and depression.

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He failed to stand up to his family when they were mean to you. What should he have done? If they were inappropriate with you, he should have said to them: "I can't force you to like my fiancé, but when we are around you, you need to be pleasant and respectful, just as I expect her to be with you."

 

You teach a person how to treat you. When they are mean, disrespectful, unkind, they lose your company. You tell them to leave. You leave. You hang up the phone if they don't live by your reasonable rules.

 

He has chosen his family's well being over yours, and don't expect that will change with marriage. What you see is what you get. He didn't act as a team, making a major decision with you. He went behind your back.

 

They might be breaking federal occupancy standards with seven people in a one bedroom unit. I wouldn't even stay with this man after he'd treated me in this way. What would I do? I'd tell him: When I signed the lease, I did it under the reasonable assumption it was a rental for you and I. I'm moving out because these living standards are unacceptable to me. (If his family hasn't made wise decisions financially in their life to get them in this predicament, that's their problem, not yours)

 

If he threatens to sue you to pay your half of the lease, ask him who he thinks will win when he has illegally moved in 5 more people, violating the lease agreement which will clearly state the names of only two occupants.

 

He's not good husband material.

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I would move out and go stay with your family for a bit where you can grieve together and support eachother. This is nuts. 7 people in a one bedroom? When i rented, my lease was explicit about guests. if they stayed more than x amount of days without my landlords prior knowledge or permission, they had to be background checked and pay rent OR depending on who they were or the number of people i could be evicted. If you won't move - take your valuables and go visit your family for a week or two to clear your head.

 

How are they living? In sleeping bags in the living room?

 

coming for the night when the power was out and they have no heat or something is one thing - but months???

 

Honestly, i would go away for a couple weeks and when you come back, give back the ring

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He was talking about his family. I explained in the post that they were unnecessarily mean to me for no reason for a year and a half prior, and he thought that by them moving in it could help to repair the relationship between us. We moved away so that we could have more privacy and build together. Most of our relationship problems were the result of his family.

 

Ultimately I think the fighting stemmed from him drifting away from them and wanting to start a family with me. They’re really used to him basically being the man of the house and taking care of them and they don’t want him to do that with anyone else because they’re afraid they’ll lose him.

 

I needed therapy because the treatment from them was so bad it was causing me to have anxiety attacks and depression.

 

We moved states away from my ex' family and sure enough they started to slowly trickle down to our area and would create trouble from a distance, too. When you live far, they can just show up with nowhere to go and throw tantrums when you won't let them in.

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Look out for your own future. These people are squatting in your apartment, putting your ability to rent in the future on the line. They are users, who your fiance is allowing to suck him dry. Get out of there as fast as you can. Get your name off the lease, go home for a while, then save up for your own place.

It's not going to be one month. It will be one thing after another like this if you stay with this man. Your life will be hell. They don't even care if he and you lose your home due to their squatting. They'll just use whoever they can, it's abhorrent.

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We moved states away from my ex' family and sure enough they started to slowly trickle down to our area and would create trouble from a distance, too. When you live far, they can just show up with nowhere to go and throw tantrums when you won't let them in.

 

My cousin was with a woman whose family was like this. She moved provinces to get away. They had a nice apartment.

Next thing you know, my cousin has squatters taking over the place. So and so needs a place to live. So and so has no money. Her kids are going to be taken away.

He broke up with her, even though he loved her. You can't live like that! And she couldn't stand up to her family.

Saddest thing ever is now she is living on the streets, addicted to meth. She had lost everything - her home, my cousin, her job, because of these 'family'. Of course they had drugs ready to make her feel better.

 

I have zero tolerance for people like this. Using young people because they just aren't good people. Even kids will be used to self serve.

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Onen, I think you need a safe space to live and find peace and continue to seek therapy. You mentioned your parents only once and it had to do with their insurance policy covering your therapy and outgrowing it over time. May I ask where your parents are and are you comfortable asking them for help or a place to stay? Your decisions leading up to this point have found you in a dark corner among people with whom you don't seem to have solid relationships with and you seem to have isolated yourself from any network of support or help. If you are in touch with your own family, I'd strongly urge you to reach out and start rebuilding your life away from this relationship. I don't think it has to end completely however due to the circumstances. More on that below.

 

So far he has shown to you that he is a complete package and he has other responsibilities involving his other family members but I think your communication with each other has dwindled. When communication starts to fade or when one person stops listening or caring, the relationship becomes imbalanced and unhealthy. I'd encourage some heart to heart talking and be clear with him what you need. I agree with a previous comment that putting them out on the streets isn't an option and motivating anyone at this point to leave of their own accord (safely and into their own place) is yours and your boyfriends' responsibility. He's put all of you in danger of being evicted according to whatever laws are in your area for max occupancy. I think his responsibility to his family members in a time of need has come first. It's your choice what you wish to do with that information and how you want to proceed.

 

I also feel like your isolation (or so it appears) from your family, friends and your own support network has driven you to despair. If it's feasible for you, I'd reverse the idea of living together and just date each other. This is not you explicitly running away from the situation or you backing out or backing down. The point is this isn't about territory. I think you ought to think more carefully (give yourself more time to think through) whether this relationship is right for you and date each other more in the process without committing to living together just yet. Move back to where you were previously or if you can afford it, find a place of your own. I can feel the despair in your post and your helplessness. You don't sound like you have anywhere to go or you are holding on too tightly to an idea that wasn't a good idea to begin with (sharing an apartment with him). Get to know just what his commitments to his family members are like and get to know each other also (not living together). Ask yourself a lot of tough questions you may not have been willing to ask yourself while you were dating each other earlier. I don't think you need to end the relationship but I do think you ought to think on your feet and think carefully about what you need for your sense of peace and stability in your life. Our loved ones may not always have our best interests in mind because life gets complicated. You shouldn't fall apart so easily. This is your cue to think for yourself and explain to him what is best for you.

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Thank you all so much for the advice. It means a lot to me that you took the time. I’m most likely gonna break the lease very soon.

 

Before you do, do you have a safe place parents, friend, safe deposit box where you can stash a few of your valuables - birth certificate, irreplaceable painting that great grandma made, etc, to slip out of the house and put there if your exit goes south and they gang up or react badly to you?

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