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Thread: Iím growing apart from my fiancť because of the strain of his family

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Onen
    He was talking about his family. I explained in the post that they were unnecessarily mean to me for no reason for a year and a half prior, and he thought that by them moving in it could help to repair the relationship between us. We moved away so that we could have more privacy and build together. Most of our relationship problems were the result of his family.

    Ultimately I think the fighting stemmed from him drifting away from them and wanting to start a family with me. Theyíre really used to him basically being the man of the house and taking care of them and they donít want him to do that with anyone else because theyíre afraid theyíll lose him.

    I needed therapy because the treatment from them was so bad it was causing me to have anxiety attacks and depression.
    We moved states away from my ex' family and sure enough they started to slowly trickle down to our area and would create trouble from a distance, too. When you live far, they can just show up with nowhere to go and throw tantrums when you won't let them in.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Look out for your own future. These people are squatting in your apartment, putting your ability to rent in the future on the line. They are users, who your fiance is allowing to suck him dry. Get out of there as fast as you can. Get your name off the lease, go home for a while, then save up for your own place.
    It's not going to be one month. It will be one thing after another like this if you stay with this man. Your life will be hell. They don't even care if he and you lose your home due to their squatting. They'll just use whoever they can, it's abhorrent.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    We moved states away from my ex' family and sure enough they started to slowly trickle down to our area and would create trouble from a distance, too. When you live far, they can just show up with nowhere to go and throw tantrums when you won't let them in.
    My cousin was with a woman whose family was like this. She moved provinces to get away. They had a nice apartment.
    Next thing you know, my cousin has squatters taking over the place. So and so needs a place to live. So and so has no money. Her kids are going to be taken away.
    He broke up with her, even though he loved her. You can't live like that! And she couldn't stand up to her family.
    Saddest thing ever is now she is living on the streets, addicted to meth. She had lost everything - her home, my cousin, her job, because of these 'family'. Of course they had drugs ready to make her feel better.

    I have zero tolerance for people like this. Using young people because they just aren't good people. Even kids will be used to self serve.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Onen, I think you need a safe space to live and find peace and continue to seek therapy. You mentioned your parents only once and it had to do with their insurance policy covering your therapy and outgrowing it over time. May I ask where your parents are and are you comfortable asking them for help or a place to stay? Your decisions leading up to this point have found you in a dark corner among people with whom you don't seem to have solid relationships with and you seem to have isolated yourself from any network of support or help. If you are in touch with your own family, I'd strongly urge you to reach out and start rebuilding your life away from this relationship. I don't think it has to end completely however due to the circumstances. More on that below.

    So far he has shown to you that he is a complete package and he has other responsibilities involving his other family members but I think your communication with each other has dwindled. When communication starts to fade or when one person stops listening or caring, the relationship becomes imbalanced and unhealthy. I'd encourage some heart to heart talking and be clear with him what you need. I agree with a previous comment that putting them out on the streets isn't an option and motivating anyone at this point to leave of their own accord (safely and into their own place) is yours and your boyfriends' responsibility. He's put all of you in danger of being evicted according to whatever laws are in your area for max occupancy. I think his responsibility to his family members in a time of need has come first. It's your choice what you wish to do with that information and how you want to proceed.

    I also feel like your isolation (or so it appears) from your family, friends and your own support network has driven you to despair. If it's feasible for you, I'd reverse the idea of living together and just date each other. This is not you explicitly running away from the situation or you backing out or backing down. The point is this isn't about territory. I think you ought to think more carefully (give yourself more time to think through) whether this relationship is right for you and date each other more in the process without committing to living together just yet. Move back to where you were previously or if you can afford it, find a place of your own. I can feel the despair in your post and your helplessness. You don't sound like you have anywhere to go or you are holding on too tightly to an idea that wasn't a good idea to begin with (sharing an apartment with him). Get to know just what his commitments to his family members are like and get to know each other also (not living together). Ask yourself a lot of tough questions you may not have been willing to ask yourself while you were dating each other earlier. I don't think you need to end the relationship but I do think you ought to think on your feet and think carefully about what you need for your sense of peace and stability in your life. Our loved ones may not always have our best interests in mind because life gets complicated. You shouldn't fall apart so easily. This is your cue to think for yourself and explain to him what is best for you.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 07-20-2019 at 09:16 PM.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you all so much for the advice. It means a lot to me that you took the time. Iím most likely gonna break the lease very soon.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Onen
    Thank you all so much for the advice. It means a lot to me that you took the time. Iím most likely gonna break the lease very soon.
    Before you do, do you have a safe place parents, friend, safe deposit box where you can stash a few of your valuables - birth certificate, irreplaceable painting that great grandma made, etc, to slip out of the house and put there if your exit goes south and they gang up or react badly to you?

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