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Thread: I think we're done...thoughts?

  1. #1
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    I think we're done...thoughts?

    I'm 43, he's 48 and 10 years out from a nasty divorce. We met at work as co-workers 12 years ago and were strictly friends with many mutual work friends. We always stayed in touch over the years, as we did with all of the work buddies from that time, and when we ended up in the same town four and a half years ago, we started hanging out (movie, dinner, shooting range etc). One thing led to another and we started dating. That began in January 2015. He moved in with me at my house in October 2015, and arranged to have his dog brought in from out of state who was staying with his brother (he has a job that involves lots of travel and could not bring the dog when he started the new job down here because the place he was staying wouldn't allow it and he know no one to take care of the dog while he was traveling.

    Things were great for a few years. We never fought, we got along fine, he helped out without me asking (I have a back injury that required a career change and I'm limited in what chores I can do without hurting myself further). With his schedule, we rarely have any time to go do things as a couple, and when we did do something, I always ended up paying, or we'd split the check.

    His dog got cancer in 2016 and that was a stressful time involving surgeries and lots of bills. I was supportive, gave the dog his meds, cooked chicken, rice, carrots and beef when he wouldn't eat anything else, and walked him in the pouring rain at 5AM before work (it always seems to rain in the mornings here). His dog is the true love of his life I realized, and he always greeted the dog first, hugged the dog first, tended to the dog first, and his days off always consisted of grooming the dog, brushing his teeth, clipping his nails, shaving him, taking him to the park every day, and feeding 3 times a day with all kinds of meds and supplements.

    I cook dinner every night, since my mother taught me how, and I often make roast chicken, beef, lasagna, pizza, stir fry or grill out. While I do this, he is playing video games or watching cartoons, which he will often have on for 12 hours a day. I work from home several days a week, and have seen the all-day video game playing on the ipad with the cartoons on (remember...he's 48). After dinner he usually lies on one of my yoga mats and falls asleep with his dog by 9:30PM.

    Now for the other side of the story.

    I have a very stressful, high responsibility job. My chronic pain from the back injury often makes me depressed. I take no pain meds at all but at the end of the day, I gotta have some Corona with a lime or Rolling Rock or something to get my mind off everything. I do art as a hobby along with writing and my book has consumed a lot of my energy in the past year. When he gets home from trips he's often understandably tired. I have a nice dinner waiting and when he collapses on the floor with the dog afterward, I just work on my book.

    Every year my family has a vacation on a little island and my brother and his family, and cousins and their families usually come. We block a whole corner of a resort hotel with rooms and I pay for it. There is no obligation to hang out with family all day or anything, and usually couples will go do things throughout the day and then meet up for dinner and card games afterward. The first year, he had to work and would not take vacation, so was only able to come for two days. The second year he had to go to a funeral, and managed to make it for the last day. The third year he again had a trip the whole week (this vacation is always booked 6 months out and the dates are known) and I threw a fit because I'd pre-paid again ($1700) and he dragged his feet but came...and spend the whole time watching cartoons by himself. This year he came....and LEFT two days in because something came up at work, and they KNEW he was on a prepaid vacation!!

    The last issue:

    He walks his dog and comes back and puts the crap bags in my planters instead of the dog poop bins throughout the community, or the garbage can 10 feet away. Last time he was out of town, I found 3 stinking poop bags in the planters by the garage. I put them on the ground by his second vehicle, in the driveway, as a hint (I have told him before...STOP putting dog poop bags in my bushes and plants). Today....I'm weeding the flowers out front and find....the SAME THREE BAGS from a week ago. Apparently he just threw them in the flowers and went about his day.

    I've absolutely had it. Burping and farting all day long, the dog poop, all his junk and models in the front room of my house. He is 48 with no savings, tons of college debt he's never paid so they take it out of his account, he claims he has no money yet buys a fancy truck, and he'll drive 4 hours with his dog to see a specific vet who moved and used to be down the street.

    Am I crazy in thinking I'm somewhere on the priority list behind the dog, the job, the truck and the cartoons?

    Yes, I have discussed all of this with him. I said I feel like a source of cheap rent (he pays 1/3 of what this place costs to run a month) and free dog sitting. He really didn't have much of a response. I told him he needed to talk to his boss about being called back from a pre-approved, pre-paid vacation AGAIN and he never did. It's been over a month so the moment has passed on that.

    I'm ready to kick him out. He has never once hinted at marriage, and honestly at this point I don't want it. That ship sailed. When guys want something (truck, rifle, etc) they go get it. When they want to do something (spend a weekend traveling with the dog to the vet, going to lunch all day with friends etc) they go do it. My feeling is if they don't say something or do something, it means they don't WANT it.

    I just feel used and taken advantage of. I have not discussed todays dog poop discovery Part II, because he is again on a trip, returning Sunday. I am considering telling him to find a new place because I have tried to discuss how I feel with him...and recently too, and it doesn't seem to be registering.

    I'd appreciate your thoughts. This person used to be a friend before the relationship, but I never realized he was so lazy, complacent, disrespectful and unable to get anything together in his life financially or professionally. Thanks for reading...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Am I crazy in thinking I'm somewhere on the priority list behind the dog, the job, the truck and the cartoons?
    You're not on his priority list at all nor are any of those other things. His priority list consists of one person... HIM!

    Pack his bags and have them all ready by the door (if you want to get spiteful, put one of the poop bags in with his stuff ;)) and when he comes back, have the locks changed.

    You are not his romantic partner, you are his mother who looks after him while he plays with 'Lassie.'

    I don't even know you and I know you can do better than this man-boy.

  3. #3
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    I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than with a man like him or a relationship like that. Arghhh.

    What keeps you there?

    Serious question.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen

    Pack his bags and have them all ready by the door (if you want to get spiteful, put one of the poop bags in with his stuff ;))
    LOL, TwT, you are sooooo bad...

    And I echo that idea!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    LOL, TwT, you are sooooo bad...
    *puts hand up* Guilty as charged. lol

  7. #6
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    I think what kept me there was putting too much weight on our former friendship as co-workers and work friends. That seems to have allowed more passes over the years than I should have. At first I thought...If we ever break up then all our mutual friendships get messed up too, but I'm at a point where I don't care about that anymore.

  8. #7
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    I wish I could put all his stuff by the door but he has 300lbs of rusty weights rotting on my porch, a crap ton of car jacks and heavy tools in the garage and a whole closet full of ammo cans, and model cars/airplanes/books etc. I feel like my house is a storage garage and yet he pays for another one here in town and he has another storage in a city up north where all his stuff is from after the divorce. It's like a pack rat hoarder. He finished a gallon of water or juice and puts the empty bottle UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE instead of the garbage. I've told him please stop and he still does it. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with him. Also...I have a really small house. 960 square feet and one car garage, built in the 80's with no kitchen pantry and only two closets in the house. There just isn't a lot of room for crap and clutter, and part of my stress is all the crap and clutter. I've made him take truckloads to his storage and of course gets miffed but even still I can't get in the spare room closet because of all the stuff in front of the doors!

  9. #8
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    It seems to me that you fell out of love with him and rather than being honest about that , you have become very petty and resentful.

    Itís ok for someone to greet their dog first , in fact he probably doesnít have any other option unless you run to the door beating the dog to it and jump on him and kiss him all over lol

    You mention you cook dinner every night , thatís fine but why did you need to add ďsince my mother taught me howĒ ???
    Hardly relevant?

    As for the dog poop bags, easy solution , place a bin next to the planters.

    Yes heís a bit lazy and treats you more like a mother than a gf , but you arenít changing anything so why would he?

    Are you always this dramatic?

    Sit down and have an honest conversation. Tell him you arenít happy with the living arrangement and that it would be best if he moved out. But leave out the petty stuff.
    Good luck!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Billie28

    Itís ok for someone to greet their dog first , in fact he probably doesnít have any other option unless you run to the door beating the dog to it and jump on him and kiss him all over lol
    Don't laugh (well you can if you want ), I actually did that with my long term ex, or close to!

    Originally Posted by Billie28

    Yes heís a bit lazy and treats you more like a mother than a gf , but you arenít changing anything so why would he?
    Great point!

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    It seems to me that you fell out of love with him and rather than being honest about that , you have become very petty and resentful.

    Itís ok for someone to greet their dog first , in fact he probably doesnít have any other option unless you run to the door beating the dog to it and jump on him and kiss him all over lol

    You mention you cook dinner every night , thatís fine but why did you need to add ďsince my mother taught me howĒ ???
    Hardly relevant?

    As for the dog poop bags, easy solution , place a bin next to the planters.

    Yes heís a bit lazy and treats you more like a mother than a gf , but you arenít changing anything so why would he?

    Are you always this dramatic?

    Sit down and have an honest conversation. Tell him you arenít happy with the living arrangement and that it would be best if he moved out. But leave out the petty stuff.
    Good luck!
    You are correct that I've become resentful, but I wouldn't say petty. I appreciate your points, and they are valid. I just gave a few of many examples of things that have happened in the past few months, let alone years, and I have discussed it with him, and never get much response from him.

    I used to run to greet him when he came home, but he always attended the dog first because of the barking, so I learned I was second place. Then I stopped trying to compete and just let him greet the dog and stopped trying.

    I added that my mom taught be to cook because she did, and she cooked every night for my dad, me and my brother, and I used to enjoy making dinner for him in the way that my mom used to for us. But over time it began to feel like I was actually his mother as he never chipped in for any of the food really. Maybe he would spring for the green beans but always let me get the beef or chicken roast.

    I agree I feel more like a mother than a gf, and that's why I'm asking for third party input because I'm ready to make a change and stop hoping he will.

    I'm not being dramatic, just trying to explain things in typed format which rarely does justice to the way someone's tone would be if explaining it. I'm really just tired and feeling used. Not being dramatic. For every event I listed there are hundreds I did not. That would have been dramatic if I had.

    When he gets home we will have the third honest conversation in as many months, and I didn't see any reaction or change before, so I doubt I would if I gave him yet another chance. He doesn't seem interested in participating in any of the daily work of a relationship or household, and worse, has no plans for the future including or not including me. I think he'd be better off with his dog in his own apartment, and I'd be better off single again.

    I was just curious what others thought before I act on my feelings. I don't take this lightly. He was once a good friend, but I just don't feel like I'm even in his top 5 of things he cares about.

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