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I think we're done...thoughts?


Anonymous903

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I'm 43, he's 48 and 10 years out from a nasty divorce. We met at work as co-workers 12 years ago and were strictly friends with many mutual work friends. We always stayed in touch over the years, as we did with all of the work buddies from that time, and when we ended up in the same town four and a half years ago, we started hanging out (movie, dinner, shooting range etc). One thing led to another and we started dating. That began in January 2015. He moved in with me at my house in October 2015, and arranged to have his dog brought in from out of state who was staying with his brother (he has a job that involves lots of travel and could not bring the dog when he started the new job down here because the place he was staying wouldn't allow it and he know no one to take care of the dog while he was traveling.

 

Things were great for a few years. We never fought, we got along fine, he helped out without me asking (I have a back injury that required a career change and I'm limited in what chores I can do without hurting myself further). With his schedule, we rarely have any time to go do things as a couple, and when we did do something, I always ended up paying, or we'd split the check.

 

His dog got cancer in 2016 and that was a stressful time involving surgeries and lots of bills. I was supportive, gave the dog his meds, cooked chicken, rice, carrots and beef when he wouldn't eat anything else, and walked him in the pouring rain at 5AM before work (it always seems to rain in the mornings here). His dog is the true love of his life I realized, and he always greeted the dog first, hugged the dog first, tended to the dog first, and his days off always consisted of grooming the dog, brushing his teeth, clipping his nails, shaving him, taking him to the park every day, and feeding 3 times a day with all kinds of meds and supplements.

 

I cook dinner every night, since my mother taught me how, and I often make roast chicken, beef, lasagna, pizza, stir fry or grill out. While I do this, he is playing video games or watching cartoons, which he will often have on for 12 hours a day. I work from home several days a week, and have seen the all-day video game playing on the ipad with the cartoons on (remember...he's 48). After dinner he usually lies on one of my yoga mats and falls asleep with his dog by 9:30PM.

 

Now for the other side of the story.

 

I have a very stressful, high responsibility job. My chronic pain from the back injury often makes me depressed. I take no pain meds at all but at the end of the day, I gotta have some Corona with a lime or Rolling Rock or something to get my mind off everything. I do art as a hobby along with writing and my book has consumed a lot of my energy in the past year. When he gets home from trips he's often understandably tired. I have a nice dinner waiting and when he collapses on the floor with the dog afterward, I just work on my book.

 

Every year my family has a vacation on a little island and my brother and his family, and cousins and their families usually come. We block a whole corner of a resort hotel with rooms and I pay for it. There is no obligation to hang out with family all day or anything, and usually couples will go do things throughout the day and then meet up for dinner and card games afterward. The first year, he had to work and would not take vacation, so was only able to come for two days. The second year he had to go to a funeral, and managed to make it for the last day. The third year he again had a trip the whole week (this vacation is always booked 6 months out and the dates are known) and I threw a fit because I'd pre-paid again ($1700) and he dragged his feet but came...and spend the whole time watching cartoons by himself. This year he came....and LEFT two days in because something came up at work, and they KNEW he was on a prepaid vacation!!

 

The last issue:

 

He walks his dog and comes back and puts the crap bags in my planters instead of the dog poop bins throughout the community, or the garbage can 10 feet away. Last time he was out of town, I found 3 stinking poop bags in the planters by the garage. I put them on the ground by his second vehicle, in the driveway, as a hint (I have told him before...STOP putting dog poop bags in my bushes and plants). Today....I'm weeding the flowers out front and find....the SAME THREE BAGS from a week ago. Apparently he just threw them in the flowers and went about his day.

 

I've absolutely had it. Burping and farting all day long, the dog poop, all his junk and models in the front room of my house. He is 48 with no savings, tons of college debt he's never paid so they take it out of his account, he claims he has no money yet buys a fancy truck, and he'll drive 4 hours with his dog to see a specific vet who moved and used to be down the street.

 

Am I crazy in thinking I'm somewhere on the priority list behind the dog, the job, the truck and the cartoons?

 

Yes, I have discussed all of this with him. I said I feel like a source of cheap rent (he pays 1/3 of what this place costs to run a month) and free dog sitting. He really didn't have much of a response. I told him he needed to talk to his boss about being called back from a pre-approved, pre-paid vacation AGAIN and he never did. It's been over a month so the moment has passed on that.

 

I'm ready to kick him out. He has never once hinted at marriage, and honestly at this point I don't want it. That ship sailed. When guys want something (truck, rifle, etc) they go get it. When they want to do something (spend a weekend traveling with the dog to the vet, going to lunch all day with friends etc) they go do it. My feeling is if they don't say something or do something, it means they don't WANT it.

 

I just feel used and taken advantage of. I have not discussed todays dog poop discovery Part II, because he is again on a trip, returning Sunday. I am considering telling him to find a new place because I have tried to discuss how I feel with him...and recently too, and it doesn't seem to be registering.

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts. This person used to be a friend before the relationship, but I never realized he was so lazy, complacent, disrespectful and unable to get anything together in his life financially or professionally. Thanks for reading...

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Am I crazy in thinking I'm somewhere on the priority list behind the dog, the job, the truck and the cartoons?
You're not on his priority list at all nor are any of those other things. His priority list consists of one person... HIM!

 

Pack his bags and have them all ready by the door (if you want to get spiteful, put one of the poop bags in with his stuff ;)) and when he comes back, have the locks changed.

 

You are not his romantic partner, you are his mother who looks after him while he plays with 'Lassie.'

 

I don't even know you and I know you can do better than this man-boy.

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I think what kept me there was putting too much weight on our former friendship as co-workers and work friends. That seems to have allowed more passes over the years than I should have. At first I thought...If we ever break up then all our mutual friendships get messed up too, but I'm at a point where I don't care about that anymore.

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I wish I could put all his stuff by the door but he has 300lbs of rusty weights rotting on my porch, a crap ton of car jacks and heavy tools in the garage and a whole closet full of ammo cans, and model cars/airplanes/books etc. I feel like my house is a storage garage and yet he pays for another one here in town and he has another storage in a city up north where all his stuff is from after the divorce. It's like a pack rat hoarder. He finished a gallon of water or juice and puts the empty bottle UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE instead of the garbage. I've told him please stop and he still does it. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with him. Also...I have a really small house. 960 square feet and one car garage, built in the 80's with no kitchen pantry and only two closets in the house. There just isn't a lot of room for crap and clutter, and part of my stress is all the crap and clutter. I've made him take truckloads to his storage and of course gets miffed but even still I can't get in the spare room closet because of all the stuff in front of the doors!

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It seems to me that you fell out of love with him and rather than being honest about that , you have become very petty and resentful.

 

It’s ok for someone to greet their dog first , in fact he probably doesn’t have any other option unless you run to the door beating the dog to it and jump on him and kiss him all over lol

 

You mention you cook dinner every night , that’s fine but why did you need to add “since my mother taught me how” ???

Hardly relevant?

 

As for the dog poop bags, easy solution , place a bin next to the planters.

 

Yes he’s a bit lazy and treats you more like a mother than a gf , but you aren’t changing anything so why would he?

 

Are you always this dramatic?

 

Sit down and have an honest conversation. Tell him you aren’t happy with the living arrangement and that it would be best if he moved out. But leave out the petty stuff.

Good luck!

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It’s ok for someone to greet their dog first , in fact he probably doesn’t have any other option unless you run to the door beating the dog to it and jump on him and kiss him all over lol

 

 

Don't laugh (well you can if you want :D), I actually did that with my long term ex, or close to! :eek:

 

 

Yes he’s a bit lazy and treats you more like a mother than a gf , but you aren’t changing anything so why would he?

 

 

Great point!

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It seems to me that you fell out of love with him and rather than being honest about that , you have become very petty and resentful.

 

It’s ok for someone to greet their dog first , in fact he probably doesn’t have any other option unless you run to the door beating the dog to it and jump on him and kiss him all over lol

 

You mention you cook dinner every night , that’s fine but why did you need to add “since my mother taught me how” ???

Hardly relevant?

 

As for the dog poop bags, easy solution , place a bin next to the planters.

 

Yes he’s a bit lazy and treats you more like a mother than a gf , but you aren’t changing anything so why would he?

 

Are you always this dramatic?

 

Sit down and have an honest conversation. Tell him you aren’t happy with the living arrangement and that it would be best if he moved out. But leave out the petty stuff.

Good luck!

 

You are correct that I've become resentful, but I wouldn't say petty. I appreciate your points, and they are valid. I just gave a few of many examples of things that have happened in the past few months, let alone years, and I have discussed it with him, and never get much response from him.

 

I used to run to greet him when he came home, but he always attended the dog first because of the barking, so I learned I was second place. Then I stopped trying to compete and just let him greet the dog and stopped trying.

 

I added that my mom taught be to cook because she did, and she cooked every night for my dad, me and my brother, and I used to enjoy making dinner for him in the way that my mom used to for us. But over time it began to feel like I was actually his mother as he never chipped in for any of the food really. Maybe he would spring for the green beans but always let me get the beef or chicken roast.

 

I agree I feel more like a mother than a gf, and that's why I'm asking for third party input because I'm ready to make a change and stop hoping he will.

 

I'm not being dramatic, just trying to explain things in typed format which rarely does justice to the way someone's tone would be if explaining it. I'm really just tired and feeling used. Not being dramatic. For every event I listed there are hundreds I did not. That would have been dramatic if I had.

 

When he gets home we will have the third honest conversation in as many months, and I didn't see any reaction or change before, so I doubt I would if I gave him yet another chance. He doesn't seem interested in participating in any of the daily work of a relationship or household, and worse, has no plans for the future including or not including me. I think he'd be better off with his dog in his own apartment, and I'd be better off single again.

 

I was just curious what others thought before I act on my feelings. I don't take this lightly. He was once a good friend, but I just don't feel like I'm even in his top 5 of things he cares about.

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I wish I could put all his stuff by the door but he has 300lbs of rusty weights rotting on my porch, a crap ton of car jacks and heavy tools in the garage and a whole closet full of ammo cans, and model cars/airplanes/books etc. I feel like my house is a storage garage and yet he pays for another one here in town and he has another storage in a city up north where all his stuff is from after the divorce. It's like a pack rat hoarder. He finished a gallon of water or juice and puts the empty bottle UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE instead of the garbage. I've told him please stop and he still does it. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with him. Also...I have a really small house. 960 square feet and one car garage, built in the 80's with no kitchen pantry and only two closets in the house. There just isn't a lot of room for crap and clutter, and part of my stress is all the crap and clutter. I've made him take truckloads to his storage and of course gets miffed but even still I can't get in the spare room closet because of all the stuff in front of the doors!

God! One step at a time, Anonymous. What do you think you should do?

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God! One step at a time, Anonymous. What do you think you should do?

 

I think when he gets home I need to have the same conversation I had with him a month ago...referencing the poop bags thrown into my flowers instead of the usual planters, and end it with, "I think it's time for you to find your own place." I don't like fighting, I hate the "I know you are but what am I" conversations...This is a preponderance of evidence of the years of his unwillingness to care. If he can't commit to a paid vacation known 6 months in advance, how in the world could I ever expect him to commit to me or anyone?

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I don't think you need to have the same conversation, but a different, simpler, sadder one that basically begins and ends with: "It's time for you to find your own place, because this relationship is over."

 

I'm not going to bother ripping this guy to shreds. Enough's been said, and I need higher fruit to reach for to turn on my snark.

 

This thing is over, has been for a long time.

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I don't think you need to have the same conversation, but a different, simpler, sadder one that basically begins and ends with: "It's time for you to find your own place, because this relationship is over."

 

I'm not going to bother ripping this guy to shreds. Enough's been said, and I need higher fruit to reach for to turn on my snark.

 

This thing is over, has been for a long time.

 

I think you're right bluecastle, and I really don't want to excessively rip on him because he is a good person at heart, but unfortunately I think his past traumas with his former marriage and his priorities, (or lack thereof) just aren't compatible with a healthy relationship, and it's sucking me dry. It sucks a relationship and a long friendship has to end like this, but I don't see a healthy resolution with zero effort coming from him.

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I think you're right bluecastle, and I really don't want to excessively rip on him because he is a good person at heart, but unfortunately I think his past traumas with his former marriage and his priorities, (or lack thereof) just aren't compatible with a healthy relationship, and it's sucking me dry. It sucks a relationship and a long friendship has to end like this, but I don't see a healthy resolution with zero effort coming from him.

 

Okay so you had your vent, sometimes we need that and an anonymous forum is the perfect place.

 

But now it's time to turn your unhappiness, frustrations and resentment into action; I would even quote the words bluecastle used, they're actually quite fitting.

"It's time for you to find your own place, because this relationship is over."

 

That's it, nothing more, nothing less.

 

It's time and long overdue imo.

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Thank your lucky stars that you're not married to him! Kick him out. The relationship is in shambles and it's over. He acts like a spoiled 2 year old.

 

It's time for you to tell him that he should look for a new place to live. He sounds like a jerk!

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I think when he gets home I need to have the same conversation I had with him a month ago...referencing the poop bags thrown into my flowers instead of the usual planters, and end it with, "I think it's time for you to find your own place." I don't like fighting, I hate the "I know you are but what am I" conversations...This is a preponderance of evidence of the years of his unwillingness to care. If he can't commit to a paid vacation known 6 months in advance, how in the world could I ever expect him to commit to me or anyone?

 

This is exactly what I meant by being petty!

Why on earth would you bring up the dog poop bags in a break up conversation? What’s the point?

You shouldn’t be re hashing the petty stuff and instead only bring up the essential points you want to get across , and that is that you WANT to break up with him!

Or do you??

 

I’m sorry but you are not faultless in how things evaluated.

You cooked every evening in the beginning and now resent it.

You allowed him to move in only paying one third instead of half and now resent it.

You paid more than your fair share on vacations or nights out and now resent it.

You allowed his dog stay and now resent it.

Why?

 

You were clearly happy to do these things in the honeymoon phase. He liked the deal he got. And all of a sudden years later you want it all to change and right now.

 

And he is probably wondering where the flip this all came from all of a sudden?

What changed?

 

An ex of mine’s mother saw that I was doing too much for her son and he accepted it. She told me start off as you mean to continue. Great advice!!!

 

Do you love this man?

Do you want to break up with him?

Do you want an amicable split? Or one filled with resentment?

 

I already suggested an easy solution to where the dog poop bags go by putty ng a bin next to the planters. But you overlooked it and still want to badger him about it? Why? If you are breaking up , it’s not worth mentioning.

 

Oh and have you ever discussed with him about these family (your family) vacations?

Or just expected him to go?

It seems unfair on your part to me.

And rather boring to go to the same place year in year out for what is supposed to be a holiday.

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I'm thinking about your header and I think it's already over in your mind so this thread was really more about venting and hearing your own thoughts in order to organize yourself/prepare yourself for the break up. It's the dog that really gets to you and I don't think you were prepared to come second. I don't feel he was prepared to be in a relationship at all. I'm going by the number of red flags and strange behaviours. Considering he travels a lot, one would think that he would be looking to spend more time with you or you'd be spending more meaningful time together or falling asleep together, making each other laugh, rekindling that love and that spark between the both of you and reminiscing and planning for a happy and bright future.

 

It doesn't seem like there are enough boundaries in the relationship to me and it's devolved over time to this point or perhaps the initial happiness in the relationship was a mirage and simmering underneath was just complete unpreparedness and inability to fully situate himself in a new relationship. I'm also going to vouch that he's likely felt your deepening resentment towards him building up - all the fights and complaints and you seeming unhappy with him. The communication has dwindled and the trust and respect in the relationship has faded. Whatever intimacy and closeness you may have had in the beginning phases were slowly replaced by his relationship with his dog. The more he feels unable to be comfortable with you or distrusted by you, the more he seems to have turned to his dog as his source of comfort. I'm not giving him an excuse for his behaviour but I think both of you have had a hand to play in this. I don't see his behaviour as normal or healthy and I'm not even sure if he has serious mental health issues. I'd be very alarmed if any of my family members behaved this way and I'd want to know why or try and rectify the situation because, to me, this person seems isolated and is acting out in strange ways. Something seriously went wrong.

 

Please keep in mind that in breaking up, it will likely involve a bit of a process relocating the dog for adequate care so I wouldn't expect the move or the changes to be very quick if he's still working that same job where he's traveling a lot and can't care for it.

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I agree with rose mostly.

Especially about the dog being a trigger.

You mention walking the dog in the pouring rain. There is nowhere where it rains every morning. The wettest countries have their dry spells.

 

I do have to wonder if he resorted to spending so much time playing games , watching cartoons, with the dog (as you say on your yoga mat , again pettiness , don’t leave your yoga mat in the middle of the floor) because he didn’t feel as welcome in your home as he used to (you keep mentioning it’s your place not his)

 

The only thing I might question what rose said is if he was ready for a relationship.

He was at least 6 years out of a marriage.

One might think he was. Although it seems like he wasn’t ready because he didn’t ever become fully independent post divorce to the point that he didn’t get his act together to get a place for him and his dog before pursuing a relationship.

 

Question? Why did you have him move into yours within the honeymoon phase and give him cheap accomodation?

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You'll have to ask him to leave. Hoarders and mooches are notoriously difficult to remove from the premises. You'll probably have to go through a formal eviction process. His trash is his problem after you evict him. Whatever it costs you to remove his junk, he is responsible for. Stop playing mom and martyr. Get him and his dog and his junk out. Ask him to leave, if he won't well you've got a battle ahead.

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And he is probably wondering where the flip this all came from all of a sudden?

What changed?

She has talked to him several times about what she would like to see changed and he puts in zero effort. Its not like she has kept him in the dark about this. However: even though she has talked to him, I have a feeling he will say her breakup came out of the blue, that he was happy and he thought she was too because people who don't listen, usually are blind sided when they get dumped for not being good partners in general.
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I agree with rose mostly.

Especially about the dog being a trigger.

You mention walking the dog in the pouring rain. There is nowhere where it rains every morning. The wettest countries have their dry spells.

 

I do have to wonder if he resorted to spending so much time playing games , watching cartoons, with the dog (as you say on your yoga mat , again pettiness , don’t leave your yoga mat in the middle of the floor) because he didn’t feel as welcome in your home as he used to (you keep mentioning it’s your place not his)

 

The only thing I might question what rose said is if he was ready for a relationship.

He was at least 6 years out of a marriage.

One might think he was. Although it seems like he wasn’t ready because he didn’t ever become fully independent post divorce to the point that he didn’t get his act together to get a place for him and his dog before pursuing a relationship.

 

Question? Why did you have him move into yours within the honeymoon phase and give him cheap accomodation?

 

Look,

 

I've been trying to take all the comments and criticisms with an equal weight, but yours are especially scathing toward me, when you don't know all the details, just the few examples I've provided. I repeat: we have never fought. People are gathering we have. We have not. We had three civil conversations where I told him how I felt marginalized and taken advantage of, and how I didn't appreciate his lack of effort doing basic things (like throwing poop bags in my bushes.) It's not petty when it's happened dozens of times, and I would just clean it up myself, then ask him to please do it, because I'm tired of fishing three day old poop bags out of the planter next to the garage. He keeps doing it is the problem and that seems to me to be a sign of irreverence and disrespect.

 

As for raining in the morning, another point you harped on without knowing the details, I live in a tropical location, by the ocean and yes, year round, we get morning showers that are often heavy. We get a small respite in January and February if we are lucky. So your comment was without the necessary facts to jump all over me.

 

Yoga mat: You assumed I left it on the floor. He takes it out from behind the couch where I have it stored, and unrolls it. Again, assumptions without facts. I could have added all those details but felt it was not necessary to explain how the mat got on the floor since it wasn't the focus of the example I was saying.

 

With that aside and focusing on your second paragraph of questions, yes I think he was not ready to be in a relationship after his divorce even though it was several years prior. I knew his ex-wife and we all hung out together when co-workers would get together. I know the whole story of what happened since I was in the group of friends supporting him through it at the time, 12 years ago.

 

Why did I let him move in with me? We'd dated for 10 months and things were fine, he was spending all his time in town at my place anyway, while paying $650 a month for an apartment he was never in anymore. I offered to let him bring the dog down because a the time he was 11 years old and I thought it would be nice if he could have more time with him since the dog was living with his brother for a few years already. The dog got cancer at 12 and would have died 1000 miles away if he had not been here and going for routine bloodwork where they caught it. Now the dog is healthy at 14 (almost 15) and just needs a special diet and meds. I felt bad that he lost a lot of money in the divorce, and was starting over in a new city with basically nothing, and couldn't even have his dog with him, so I offered to let him bring him down. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess. I was hoping that as he got back on his feet and recovered financially he would pitch in more, either maybe buy some house supplies that he uses like toilet paper, paper towels, dishwasher soap, detergent etc, but that's clearly my job. Like I said, there are a lot of examples and I've brought them up (nicely) and gotten no response.

 

I don't like fights. I had an ex who loved to pick fights and I just don't think that is communicating. I've been civil, calm, expressed that whatever it is, (dog poop, saving empty bottles everywhere, junking up the garage with empty oatmeal/yogurt containers etc) is making me upset and please clean it up/throw it out, his response is the standard "Everything I do isn't good enough." This seems to be a projection from his former marriage because when he HAS actually done something to help, I've NEVER said it wasn't good enough! It's crazy...I feel like he just stopped in time with that marriage or something.

 

Responding to Rose's comments: His focus and attention turned to the dog the minute he got him here. It wasn't a case of spending more time with him as things went south in the relationship. His day often consists of getting up and feeding him, then going to the park for a few hours, then come home and groom him, brush his teeth, clip his nails and every two weeks shave him on my living room floor, then take him to Pet Supermarket for a bath (because I insist with all the shaved hair everywhere). Then its noon feeding, play time, nap time, evening feeding, an hour long walk, then come back and fall asleep on the floor with the dog on my yoga mat. The focus of his day is the dog, not me, not helping out, not cleaning or running any errands (I do everything). While the dog is napping, he plays video games and occasionally will get off his butt and help me fold laundry and put dishes away, because over time my repeated requests for help there did sink in finally. The problem is he expects me to throw him a party or something for helping when I just say "Thank you."

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