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Thread: I think we're done...thoughts?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm thinking about your header and I think it's already over in your mind so this thread was really more about venting and hearing your own thoughts in order to organize yourself/prepare yourself for the break up. It's the dog that really gets to you and I don't think you were prepared to come second. I don't feel he was prepared to be in a relationship at all. I'm going by the number of red flags and strange behaviours. Considering he travels a lot, one would think that he would be looking to spend more time with you or you'd be spending more meaningful time together or falling asleep together, making each other laugh, rekindling that love and that spark between the both of you and reminiscing and planning for a happy and bright future.

    It doesn't seem like there are enough boundaries in the relationship to me and it's devolved over time to this point or perhaps the initial happiness in the relationship was a mirage and simmering underneath was just complete unpreparedness and inability to fully situate himself in a new relationship. I'm also going to vouch that he's likely felt your deepening resentment towards him building up - all the fights and complaints and you seeming unhappy with him. The communication has dwindled and the trust and respect in the relationship has faded. Whatever intimacy and closeness you may have had in the beginning phases were slowly replaced by his relationship with his dog. The more he feels unable to be comfortable with you or distrusted by you, the more he seems to have turned to his dog as his source of comfort. I'm not giving him an excuse for his behaviour but I think both of you have had a hand to play in this. I don't see his behaviour as normal or healthy and I'm not even sure if he has serious mental health issues. I'd be very alarmed if any of my family members behaved this way and I'd want to know why or try and rectify the situation because, to me, this person seems isolated and is acting out in strange ways. Something seriously went wrong.

    Please keep in mind that in breaking up, it will likely involve a bit of a process relocating the dog for adequate care so I wouldn't expect the move or the changes to be very quick if he's still working that same job where he's traveling a lot and can't care for it.

  2. #22
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    I agree with rose mostly.
    Especially about the dog being a trigger.
    You mention walking the dog in the pouring rain. There is nowhere where it rains every morning. The wettest countries have their dry spells.

    I do have to wonder if he resorted to spending so much time playing games , watching cartoons, with the dog (as you say on your yoga mat , again pettiness , donít leave your yoga mat in the middle of the floor) because he didnít feel as welcome in your home as he used to (you keep mentioning itís your place not his)

    The only thing I might question what rose said is if he was ready for a relationship.
    He was at least 6 years out of a marriage.
    One might think he was. Although it seems like he wasnít ready because he didnít ever become fully independent post divorce to the point that he didnít get his act together to get a place for him and his dog before pursuing a relationship.

    Question? Why did you have him move into yours within the honeymoon phase and give him cheap accomodation?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You'll have to ask him to leave. Hoarders and mooches are notoriously difficult to remove from the premises. You'll probably have to go through a formal eviction process. His trash is his problem after you evict him. Whatever it costs you to remove his junk, he is responsible for. Stop playing mom and martyr. Get him and his dog and his junk out. Ask him to leave, if he won't well you've got a battle ahead.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    And he is probably wondering where the flip this all came from all of a sudden?
    What changed?
    She has talked to him several times about what she would like to see changed and he puts in zero effort. Its not like she has kept him in the dark about this. However: even though she has talked to him, I have a feeling he will say her breakup came out of the blue, that he was happy and he thought she was too because people who don't listen, usually are blind sided when they get dumped for not being good partners in general.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I agree with rose mostly.
    Especially about the dog being a trigger.
    You mention walking the dog in the pouring rain. There is nowhere where it rains every morning. The wettest countries have their dry spells.

    I do have to wonder if he resorted to spending so much time playing games , watching cartoons, with the dog (as you say on your yoga mat , again pettiness , donít leave your yoga mat in the middle of the floor) because he didnít feel as welcome in your home as he used to (you keep mentioning itís your place not his)

    The only thing I might question what rose said is if he was ready for a relationship.
    He was at least 6 years out of a marriage.
    One might think he was. Although it seems like he wasnít ready because he didnít ever become fully independent post divorce to the point that he didnít get his act together to get a place for him and his dog before pursuing a relationship.

    Question? Why did you have him move into yours within the honeymoon phase and give him cheap accomodation?
    Look,

    I've been trying to take all the comments and criticisms with an equal weight, but yours are especially scathing toward me, when you don't know all the details, just the few examples I've provided. I repeat: we have never fought. People are gathering we have. We have not. We had three civil conversations where I told him how I felt marginalized and taken advantage of, and how I didn't appreciate his lack of effort doing basic things (like throwing poop bags in my bushes.) It's not petty when it's happened dozens of times, and I would just clean it up myself, then ask him to please do it, because I'm tired of fishing three day old poop bags out of the planter next to the garage. He keeps doing it is the problem and that seems to me to be a sign of irreverence and disrespect.

    As for raining in the morning, another point you harped on without knowing the details, I live in a tropical location, by the ocean and yes, year round, we get morning showers that are often heavy. We get a small respite in January and February if we are lucky. So your comment was without the necessary facts to jump all over me.

    Yoga mat: You assumed I left it on the floor. He takes it out from behind the couch where I have it stored, and unrolls it. Again, assumptions without facts. I could have added all those details but felt it was not necessary to explain how the mat got on the floor since it wasn't the focus of the example I was saying.

    With that aside and focusing on your second paragraph of questions, yes I think he was not ready to be in a relationship after his divorce even though it was several years prior. I knew his ex-wife and we all hung out together when co-workers would get together. I know the whole story of what happened since I was in the group of friends supporting him through it at the time, 12 years ago.

    Why did I let him move in with me? We'd dated for 10 months and things were fine, he was spending all his time in town at my place anyway, while paying $650 a month for an apartment he was never in anymore. I offered to let him bring the dog down because a the time he was 11 years old and I thought it would be nice if he could have more time with him since the dog was living with his brother for a few years already. The dog got cancer at 12 and would have died 1000 miles away if he had not been here and going for routine bloodwork where they caught it. Now the dog is healthy at 14 (almost 15) and just needs a special diet and meds. I felt bad that he lost a lot of money in the divorce, and was starting over in a new city with basically nothing, and couldn't even have his dog with him, so I offered to let him bring him down. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess. I was hoping that as he got back on his feet and recovered financially he would pitch in more, either maybe buy some house supplies that he uses like toilet paper, paper towels, dishwasher soap, detergent etc, but that's clearly my job. Like I said, there are a lot of examples and I've brought them up (nicely) and gotten no response.

    I don't like fights. I had an ex who loved to pick fights and I just don't think that is communicating. I've been civil, calm, expressed that whatever it is, (dog poop, saving empty bottles everywhere, junking up the garage with empty oatmeal/yogurt containers etc) is making me upset and please clean it up/throw it out, his response is the standard "Everything I do isn't good enough." This seems to be a projection from his former marriage because when he HAS actually done something to help, I've NEVER said it wasn't good enough! It's crazy...I feel like he just stopped in time with that marriage or something.

    Responding to Rose's comments: His focus and attention turned to the dog the minute he got him here. It wasn't a case of spending more time with him as things went south in the relationship. His day often consists of getting up and feeding him, then going to the park for a few hours, then come home and groom him, brush his teeth, clip his nails and every two weeks shave him on my living room floor, then take him to Pet Supermarket for a bath (because I insist with all the shaved hair everywhere). Then its noon feeding, play time, nap time, evening feeding, an hour long walk, then come back and fall asleep on the floor with the dog on my yoga mat. The focus of his day is the dog, not me, not helping out, not cleaning or running any errands (I do everything). While the dog is napping, he plays video games and occasionally will get off his butt and help me fold laundry and put dishes away, because over time my repeated requests for help there did sink in finally. The problem is he expects me to throw him a party or something for helping when I just say "Thank you."

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Two things jumped out at me in the above: tropical location and yoga mat. Lovely stuff, those things. Forever stuff that misses your full attention.

    Life is wild, we find ourselves twisted up into some strange shapesóthe emotional and logistical kind, I'm talking, not the warrior and pigeon kind. It sounds like you've reached a great, if hard, moment where it's time to untwist yourself from the former so you can enjoy that latter again. Those misty mornings are about to get really lovely again, and there's no balm to a heavy heart quite like a yoga mat.

    Namaste.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    This is exactly what I meant by being petty!
    Why on earth would you bring up the dog poop bags in a break up conversation? Whatís the point?
    You shouldnít be re hashing the petty stuff and instead only bring up the essential points you want to get across , and that is that you WANT to break up with him!
    Or do you??

    Iím sorry but you are not faultless in how things evaluated.
    You cooked every evening in the beginning and now resent it.
    You allowed him to move in only paying one third instead of half and now resent it.
    You paid more than your fair share on vacations or nights out and now resent it.
    You allowed his dog stay and now resent it.
    Why?

    You were clearly happy to do these things in the honeymoon phase. He liked the deal he got. And all of a sudden years later you want it all to change and right now.

    And he is probably wondering where the flip this all came from all of a sudden?
    What changed?

    An ex of mineís mother saw that I was doing too much for her son and he accepted it. She told me start off as you mean to continue. Great advice!!!

    Do you love this man?
    Do you want to break up with him?
    Do you want an amicable split? Or one filled with resentment?

    I already suggested an easy solution to where the dog poop bags go by putty ng a bin next to the planters. But you overlooked it and still want to badger him about it? Why? If you are breaking up , itís not worth mentioning.

    Oh and have you ever discussed with him about these family (your family) vacations?
    Or just expected him to go?
    It seems unfair on your part to me.
    And rather boring to go to the same place year in year out for what is supposed to be a holiday.
    Billie: You are making assumptions again.

    I cooked because I wanted to show I care. I still do. It would be nice if he bought dinner once or suggested we go out so can have a break. I told him this. I'm always the one who has to suggest we go do anything, and when and if we do, I'm the one paying the tab. So I cook to save money as well. My point is I feel like I'm cooking for a kid, not a partner and he takes it for granted. I admit I set myself up for it by doing too much in the beginning and now he's used to basically doing nothing and me doing everything. Lesson learned.

    I paid for him to be there on the vacation because he doesn't have the money to go if he wanted to. I was trying to be nice. Yes, he knew about the family vacations even before we got together since they've been happening for nearly 20 years and he as one of my long time friends, knew all about the annual tradition. I did not expect him to go, but he said he wanted to, then bucked out after it was paid with work related excuses when he knew the dates for 6 months because we have to book the rooms that far in advance. He always appeared to have fun with my family and like I said, the place we go there is NO requirement to hang out with family all day if you don't want to. It's big enough that you go do your own thing all day and meet up with others if you want. All the other couples there put the kids in activities and go do something as a couple...except the one time he came for more than two days, all he wanted to do was watch cartoons in the room. And before you pass judgment about where we go, and how boring you think it is to go to the same place every year, you really have no clue what you're talking about. The place we go is a place a LOT of people want to go back to every year and we often see the same people there year after year booking the same week too.

    I'm about done reading your comments because they aren't helpful or constructive. They're just judgmental and rude. I admit I let the situation get to this point by not setting the ground rules and expecting basic things like pitching in, wanting to participate and not being a slob but I guess that was too much to ask so I'm the bad guy.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're taking the comments very well and thank you for coming back to explain the situation further because it was a bit confusing and I was in disbelief of his behaviour. I'm starting to really think that he just was not ready for a relationship. You touched on it in post #25, 2nd last paragraph, last sentence: "I feel like he just stopped in time with that marriage or something." At the risk of throwing the T word around, I do feel he probably needs help (some consistent therapy or speaking with someone about his issues). He stopped growing and evolving. I think in times of trauma and pain there is the possibility of a person staying stuck in that trauma and not coming out of it or recovering completely. Billie mentioned it in terms of spending time alone and figuring his life out. You're connected to his past in a way that hasn't allowed him to move on and he hasn't made any efforts on his part either to see you as a whole person on your own (someone he can spend his life with).

    Unfortunately, he has taken you forgranted or he hasn't seen you as an individual person and a person of his future, someone he can rebuild his future with. It's nearly unbelievable to me that he would care for his dog exclusively and play video games on his day off and resist spending time with you. Dogs are some of God's greatest creatures but there's a very strong attachment to the dog that's eclipsed care for the relationship and even care for himself. He isn't sleeping in a bed but sleeping on a mat on the floor. If you used to share a bed, he's clearly uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as you. He might even fear you or think he doesn't deserve that place. I still feel like he needs help, talking to someone and sharing his life. He IS stuck. I think you've tried to help for too long. He needs to help himself from now onwards and seek the help he needs or recover away from someone else's house, someone else's rules, someone else's vacations and planters.

    You're a very loving and caring person who ended up extending your life and home for someone in need. Let it be at that. You should try to find peace - that you cannot fix everyone all on your own and it does go both ways. I think both of you staying together won't make things any better. He doesn't seem to respond to your requests and he's shut down in a lot of ways. I'd encourage this person to seek help and move on. Do what you can to help rehome the dog. It's a very old dog so changes might be upsetting. I think you've taken care of the dog so well but it's time to now take care of you, come back to a peaceful home (restore the peace in your home), love your home, your mats, enjoy your vacations and be at peace once and for all. Let this relationship go and wish him the best.

  10. #29
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    It's so much easier for him to spend time with the dog. Dogs want a few simple things and are affectionate all the time. Humans are much more complex; they (rightfully) expect reciprocity in a relationship, not just a nail trim and some scratches under the chin.

    I think he's hiding behind the dog. And that means he is in no way in any condition to be in a relationship.

    It's kind of like the parent who is able to be loving and affectionate toward their child but is cold and dismissive of their spouse. It's just so much easier.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Dogs are some of God's greatest creatures but there's a very strong attachment to the dog that's eclipsed care for the relationship and even care for himself. He isn't sleeping in a bed but sleeping on a mat on the floor. If you used to share a bed, he's clearly uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as you. He might even fear you or think he doesn't deserve that place. I still feel like he needs help, talking to someone and sharing his life. He IS stuck. I think you've tried to help for too long. He needs to help himself from now onwards and seek the help he needs or recover away from someone else's house, someone else's rules, someone else's vacations and planters.
    I apologize if I wasn't clear...he isn't sleeping on the floor all night with the dog. After dinner he grabs the yoga mat and lies on the floor with the dog on his ipad with the TV on and usually he falls asleep there by 9:30 or 10. He gets up to go to the actual bed when I go to sleep, around 11:30 or so. We do still sleep in the same bed and always have. I just think if given the choice, he would prefer to actually sleep on the floor with the dog.

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