Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

I have a dear friend who has been a friend for almost 10 years. She is very quirky and unique and that is part of what I love about her... she is in a relationship of about a year and a half and all she does is tell everyone what a bummer her significant other is. I don’t think any of us have heard her say anything nice. I typically say things like, then, if you don’t like this person, why are you with them??? Or, typically, it’s customary to actually like your significant other. I always feel bad for her significant other when I leave the conversation even though I love my friend. Any thoughts about how to handle this? I know no one else that does this and so I have no experience with this sort of thing...

How does she respond when you ask her why she's with him if he's that awful?

Perhaps you could counter her statements by saying nice things about him. How does she act around him?

How does she respond when you ask her why she's with him if he's that awful?

 

Perhaps you could counter her statements by saying nice things about him. How does she act around him?

I haven’t actually met him. Very few people have. He doesn’t want to integrate very much socially. So, I feel like I don’t have any leverage when it comes to saying nice things because I don’t know him. She will say things like, “He looks good on paper.” My God, I know that sounds awful. It could just be a situation where I mind my own business and don’t worry about their crap, but I am not much into sitting around and talking badly and so I don’t know. I guess I could just change the subject.

I don't think that's so bad. "He looks good on paper." Is that the extent to what you find bothersome or does it get worse than that? Friends or family are allowed to say what they like. Maybe you're just annoyed with her in general for being a debbie downer?

I don't think that's so bad. "He looks good on paper." Is that the extent to what you find bothersome or does it get worse than that? Friends or family are allowed to say what they like. Maybe you're just annoyed with her in general for being a debbie downer?

Oh no, it’s a lot more than that. And it’s all negative. Nothing nice. This isn’t a huge issue because I don’t see my friend more than once every couple of weeks but I just wanted to get some feedback. It really is none of my business but I tried to put myself in the other persons shoes and if I was with somebody that was talking about me like that, I would be absolutely mortified.

Oh no, it’s a lot more than that. And it’s all negative. Nothing nice. This isn’t a huge issue because I don’t see my friend more than once every couple of weeks but I just wanted to get some feedback. It really is none of my business but I tried to put myself in the other persons shoes and if I was with somebody that was talking about me like that, I would be absolutely mortified.

I don't think your job is to convince her of anything. Have you tried changing the subject, "It doesn't seem like you have any nice things to say about your boyfriend, let's talk about something positive..." Do you think her relationship is mostly good, but she is just merely venting to you?

I don't think your job is to convince her of anything. Have you tried changing the subject, "It doesn't seem like you have any nice things to say about your boyfriend, let's talk about something positive..." Do you think her relationship is mostly good, but she is just merely venting to you?

No, she tells this to everyone. But, yes I can definitely try to change the subject. Sometimes there are three of us hanging out and has been a little bit hard but I can try. Thanks! It’s just one of those things that even if you are just sitting and listening to it, if feels like you participated in trashing some person that you have never met because aside from having jealousy issues, he is quite smitten with my friend and hasn’t done anything terrible as far as I know.

No, she tells this to everyone. But, yes I can definitely try to change the subject. Sometimes there are three of us hanging out and has been a little bit hard but I can try. Thanks!

Its not about changing her mind, but your boundary about getting her off of speaking negatively around you. She may realize over time if she wants to talk about her boyfriend, she needs to think of something positive. Its okay if she asks for advice but just to rag and rag on him is different. sometimes people finally realize what they sound like

Its not about changing her mind, but your boundary about getting her off of speaking negatively around you. She may realize over time if she wants to talk about her boyfriend, she needs to think of something positive. Its okay if she asks for advice but just to rag and rag on him is different. sometimes people finally realize what they sound like

Excellent point. Thanks, abitbroken!!

 

How does she respond when you ask her why she's with him if he's that awful?

 

NB, you may have missed this question, but I am also curious how your friend responds when you ask her this^.

I'd just say "Do you love him?"

If she says yes, then you can say "well then (insert the negative she just said about him here) really doesn't matter does it."

If she says, no then you can just say "well, what are you going to do about that?"

NB, you may have missed this question, but I am also curious how your friend responds when you ask her this^.

Hi, Katrina- yes, I answered above :-) She says that he looks good on paper.

I'd just say "Do you love him?"

 

If she says yes, then you can say "well then (insert the negative she just said about him here) really doesn't matter does it."

If she says, no then you can just say "well, what are you going to do about that?"

I have asked her if she loves him and she hasn’t given a straight answer. And yes, I have done the second part and I think she is thinking about leaving but hasn’t brought herself to do it. So, for now, she is still just sticking it out. I don’t get it, personally. Thank you for your response!

You're welcome! :)

If she keeps just venting and doing nothing then every time she starts, just ask her "why are you still sticking this out? You clearly aren't happy with him." I find when you ask questions that make them think, rather then just letting them vent, they either do something about the situation or they stop venting to me. lol

You're welcome! :)

If she keeps just venting and doing nothing then every time she starts, just ask her "why are you still sticking this out? You clearly aren't happy with him." I find when you ask questions that make them think, rather then just letting them vent, they either do something about the situation or they stop venting to me. lol

Totally true!! The funny thing is that we are typically brutally honest with each other. I think I will just have to ask that very question next time and have a heart to heart with her. I guess I feel like if she left that relationship after I grilled her about it, and just so you know, her closet friends have all asked her what she is doing (except one who thinks she needs someone stable in her life), she might make a decision that will feel premature to her and I feel like when people leave relationships, if they aren’t ready to be done, they may go back until they are ready. It’s a huge decision that will cause this man a world of heartbreak.

You know, she's probably content in her relationship with him and the bashing is just her way. For her to say "well, he looks good on paper" makes me think that she believes she'll never get anyone better so she stays while reminding herself subconsciously through her belittling of him that they are equal.

Gawd... there's some armchair analysing for you. ;)

Hi, Katrina- yes, I answered above :-) She says that he looks good on paper.

A previous ex from my 20s looked good on paper too but I didn't love him.

I talked to my dad (now late dad) about it and he said "well you can't make love with or wake up each morning with a piece of paper, now can you."

You know, she's probably content in her relationship with him and the bashing is just her way. For her to say "well, he looks good on paper" makes me think that she believes she'll never get anyone better so she stays while reminding herself subconsciously through her belittling of him that they are equal.

 

Gawd... there's some armchair analysing for you. ;)

Lol! Yes!!! Makes me happy to be single at the moment!! :-)

A previous ex from my 20s looked good on paper too but I didn't love him.

 

I talked to my dad (now late dad) about it and he said "well you can't make love with or wake up each morning with a piece of paper, now can you."

Oh my god, that’s amazing. I’m sending that to her RIGHT NOW! Thank you!!!

Oh my god, that’s amazing. I’m sending that to her RIGHT NOW! Thank you!!!

How would you even bring that up since she didn't just this minute say that he "looks good on paper?"

How would you even bring that up since she didn't just this minute say that he "looks good on paper?"

Because I will once in awhile text her and ask her questions like this but I was thinking I would tell her that I saw a quote online about looking good on paper and share that quote with her. I started to compose the text but decided to wait on it, but I will tell her when it seems appropriate. She has seen me date quite a few people and never holds back her opinion about anyone I am dating. We are totally honest with each other and the thing is, she knows all of this. She has heard it from so many people.

Personally, when others complain or gossip incessantly about something or someone I either show no interest whatsoever on the topic and swiftly change the conversation,

or, if the former doesn't work, kindly tell them that I'm not interested in hearing them complain yet again.

Generally, most people take the hint and I don't have to confront them directly. Hope the above helps you - I know it works for me most of the time. There are always exceptions to the rule, but I avoid these exceptions like the plague.

Good luck!

I would try to change the subject and get her off of bashing the bf. If that doesnt work, how about you tell her you dont want to hear about him or else to tell you something good about him.

I would try to change the subject and get her off of bashing the bf. If that doesnt work, how about you tell her you dont want to hear about him or else to tell you something good about him.

Thank you, Greendots and Melancholy! Both really sound suggestions!!! I will try these!!

Why not just listen to her and ask her what the real issues are? (Ie. actually take her word for it and take her seriously if something is the matter) If someone's got a problem in some area of their life and they're supposed to be a friend to you, I'm not clear why you're not being that friend to her in the first place. Instead you're trash talking her trash talking her bf.

I'd say simply limit your time with her if you find her insufferable and let the friendship fade (forget keeping up appearances) or just be a friend to her, period.