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Thread: Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

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    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

    I have a dear friend who has been a friend for almost 10 years. She is very quirky and unique and that is part of what I love about her... she is in a relationship of about a year and a half and all she does is tell everyone what a bummer her significant other is. I donít think any of us have heard her say anything nice. I typically say things like, then, if you donít like this person, why are you with them??? Or, typically, itís customary to actually like your significant other. I always feel bad for her significant other when I leave the conversation even though I love my friend. Any thoughts about how to handle this? I know no one else that does this and so I have no experience with this sort of thing...

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    How does she respond when you ask her why she's with him if he's that awful?

    Perhaps you could counter her statements by saying nice things about him. How does she act around him?

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    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    How does she respond when you ask her why she's with him if he's that awful?

    Perhaps you could counter her statements by saying nice things about him. How does she act around him?
    I havenít actually met him. Very few people have. He doesnít want to integrate very much socially. So, I feel like I donít have any leverage when it comes to saying nice things because I donít know him. She will say things like, ďHe looks good on paper.Ē My God, I know that sounds awful. It could just be a situation where I mind my own business and donít worry about their crap, but I am not much into sitting around and talking badly and so I donít know. I guess I could just change the subject.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think that's so bad. "He looks good on paper." Is that the extent to what you find bothersome or does it get worse than that? Friends or family are allowed to say what they like. Maybe you're just annoyed with her in general for being a debbie downer?

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    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think that's so bad. "He looks good on paper." Is that the extent to what you find bothersome or does it get worse than that? Friends or family are allowed to say what they like. Maybe you're just annoyed with her in general for being a debbie downer?
    Oh no, itís a lot more than that. And itís all negative. Nothing nice. This isnít a huge issue because I donít see my friend more than once every couple of weeks but I just wanted to get some feedback. It really is none of my business but I tried to put myself in the other persons shoes and if I was with somebody that was talking about me like that, I would be absolutely mortified.

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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    Oh no, itís a lot more than that. And itís all negative. Nothing nice. This isnít a huge issue because I donít see my friend more than once every couple of weeks but I just wanted to get some feedback. It really is none of my business but I tried to put myself in the other persons shoes and if I was with somebody that was talking about me like that, I would be absolutely mortified.
    I don't think your job is to convince her of anything. Have you tried changing the subject, "It doesn't seem like you have any nice things to say about your boyfriend, let's talk about something positive..." Do you think her relationship is mostly good, but she is just merely venting to you?

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    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Friend that talks smack about her significant other...

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I don't think your job is to convince her of anything. Have you tried changing the subject, "It doesn't seem like you have any nice things to say about your boyfriend, let's talk about something positive..." Do you think her relationship is mostly good, but she is just merely venting to you?
    No, she tells this to everyone. But, yes I can definitely try to change the subject. Sometimes there are three of us hanging out and has been a little bit hard but I can try. Thanks! Itís just one of those things that even if you are just sitting and listening to it, if feels like you participated in trashing some person that you have never met because aside from having jealousy issues, he is quite smitten with my friend and hasnít done anything terrible as far as I know.

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    Originally Posted by Nebraskagirl14
    No, she tells this to everyone. But, yes I can definitely try to change the subject. Sometimes there are three of us hanging out and has been a little bit hard but I can try. Thanks!
    Its not about changing her mind, but your boundary about getting her off of speaking negatively around you. She may realize over time if she wants to talk about her boyfriend, she needs to think of something positive. Its okay if she asks for advice but just to rag and rag on him is different. sometimes people finally realize what they sound like

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    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Its not about changing her mind, but your boundary about getting her off of speaking negatively around you. She may realize over time if she wants to talk about her boyfriend, she needs to think of something positive. Its okay if she asks for advice but just to rag and rag on him is different. sometimes people finally realize what they sound like
    Excellent point. Thanks, abitbroken!!

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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster

    How does she respond when you ask her why she's with him if he's that awful?
    NB, you may have missed this question, but I am also curious how your friend responds when you ask her this^.

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