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Thread: Meeting with ex?

  1. #1

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    Meeting with ex?

    I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. We'd dated for almost two years. I ended things because I no longer felt that spark anymore and questioned whether he was the "one" for me. It wasn't an easy decision as he's a great guy, who really did nothing wrong. I just didn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. It hasn't been easy, and I've regretted it at times but I'm getting better all the time. When we first talked days after the breakup, he asked if we could try again and maybe slow down and start as friends and build up. I rejected that offer though. It was still a good conversation that gave me closure.

    After a month of no contact, he texted me last week asking how I was. Then he called me and asked if we could get together for a coffee sometime as he had some things he needed to say and wanted to apologize. I agreed and were supposed to meet next weekend at a shop near our towns. I'm really nervous for what he's going to say though. Is he just trying to make amends? Is he wanting to just get closure for himself? Or what I'm afraid of, ask if we can get back together? I dont want to cave and end up reconciling, but I'd hate to have to reject him again. In your experiences, have you met with an ex and how did the conversation go?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Absolutly not. It's a terrible idea. Of course he wants to get back together. Try not to string people along that you have just dumped. You don't feel a spark with him. It's over. Might be a good idea to leave him alone.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    If you don't want to reject him again, call him and tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to meet. He's using the excuse of wanting to apologize to make one final plea to you. This is just prolonging the pain.

    The closure is the breakup. Nothing else needs to be said.

    What makes you think you might be tempted to reconcile?

    Yes, I have met with an ex, and it's very painful all around. Why dredge all of that up?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    If all he needed to do was apologize, he could so that via a call or an email. He already told you his plan from the beginning. He wants to pretend to be your friend and work his way back up to a relationship. Sadly, he did not abandon the plan just because you turned it down.

    There are a lot of people on the internet that sell "get your ex back" programs and claim they know the secret full-proof way. I would be highly suspicious of the communication coming at the month point due to the fact that most of these scammers suggest a 30-day period of no contact followed by the person who was dumped reaching out to their ex. If you do not believe me, head to Google and learn about it. It is quite terrible that people leech money from the broken-hearted, but it's the world we live in today.

    Do you both a favor and kindly rescind the offer. It sounds like there is nothing to be gained from meeting other than pain for him and further certainty in your decision for you.

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  6. #5
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    I'm sure his friends are telling him you would never have agreed to meet unless YOU wanted to get back together. If he bought one of those cheesy "get your ex back, guaranteed!!!!!" programs he will be delighted thinking it's working.

    If you don't want to reconcile and you don't want to have to reject him again, or if you're afraid you'll cave in, please cancel the meeting.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd be paying more attention to your own emotions and if you feel shaky and not ready to meet, try not to schedule it so close to the break up. Perhaps both of you need more time (you specifically). Since you initiated the break up and you're here with your concerns, I think you ought to listen to your own emotions a bit more. Just because you disagree to meeting now doesn't mean that you can't meet at a later date. If you cancel, please do it early, not a day before as it's unnecessarily cruel.

    If you do decide to go through with it next weekend and stick to it, you might want to be very clear with him that there is no chance at reconciliation and it will be harder on both of you if it's what he's looking for. I don't see why you can't be very honest with each other or upfront.

    Please keep in mind that forms of cajoling, pleading, attempting to persuade you and sway your decision are all forms of disrespect towards you. These are not terms of endearment. If you feel that this person is prone to doing those things, I would disassociate completely and remove all contact.

  8. #7
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    You said he did nothing wrong.
    So why did you agree to meet him to allow him to apologise? Apologise for what?

    Clearly he is not over the breakup and still hung up on what he could have done differently.

    It would be cruel to meet him.
    Iím guessing someone told him to give it a month before contacting you.
    Well a month hasnít changed your mind but heís hoping it has.

    Send him a message to say youíd rather not meet and talk, that there are no apologies needed and wish him the best.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He's a great guy and really did nothing wrong. Do you know how difficult it is to find a great guy and really did nothing wrong? Whenever a person has a great guy in their life, it's like winning the lotto IMHO. Finding a great guy is like finding a needle in a haystack. Most guys are awful. Gems are rare.

    Give the guy a chance to speak to you. Hear him out. Then you decide right then and there if you're interested in friendship only or more eventually. Be clear and communicate with him. Now is your chance to be heard and to hear him. Give him respect because he's trying to reach out to you. At least give him this common courtesy and common decency. I think it would be kind of you to agree to meet.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What did he mean by "slow down"? What was the breakup about? It sounds like you are on different timelines and have incompatible goals and values. It sounds like he's moving toward fwb/casual and therefore wants to keep you on the radar.

    The best that could come of this on on/off with continued unresolved differences and maybe a hookup or two. After two years you know enough about each other to know who you are, what you want, what went wrong and why you broke up.

    People get lonely and randy after a breakup and think getting together will fix problems. Sex with an ex is easy, comfortable and if you can be ok with it it may tide you over until you move on and start dating again.
    Originally Posted by TimeEsq2345
    and maybe slow down and start as friends and build up. Then he called me and asked if we could get together for a coffee sometime as he had some things he needed to say and wanted to apologize.

  11. #10
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    I would not meet up with him.

    It sounds like he could be following one of the so-called relationship "gurus" that all seem to advise the same thing to the broken-hearted: wait 30 days, and then reach out for a no-pressure meeting, try to build attraction and win her back.

    It's just not a good idea, and yes, I have been in your shoes with an ex who invited me out for lunch a few weeks after we split. I went along with it, being much younger and inexperienced with break-ups. It was painful to have to basically reject him all over again at the end of this lunch when it became clear to me he was hoping to rekindle something and do it again the following week. It was not pleasant for either of us.

    I would let him know that a phone call would be the most you can do right now; an in-person meeting just isn't wise when you know you are not interested in getting back together and still is.

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