When Family Fails to be a Family

[abitbroken]

It does not matter how much money they have.
If they did donate, you would have no way of knowing. (and they could have)
If they didn't, you don't know, either!
You have no idea that they do not support one of those non profits or churches that helped, so helped indirectly.
And its none of your business if they did.!

I have an uncle who is quite wealthy. He had $15 to his name when he was kicked out of the house at 18.
He learned a trade. he saved almost every penny, he lived extremely frugally. And now he is wealthy because of it.
He does not give to every call to give money flood, tornado victims, etc.
If he knew someone PERSONALLY who was going through that, he would be the first one to help to
rebuild their porch, to drive them to the store when their car was repossessed if they were laid off, the first person to offer to put a good word in at a company
or to anonymously leave a bag of groceries on the porch.

But he would never give money to "groups" except a twice yearly donation to a local food pantry and shelter that was directly within 15 miles of his house.
As a rule -- he never "impulse donates" - ie, he ignores emotional pleas and stays on track with his normal donations.

In a time of crisis you would expect at least a phone call, especially from family.

But it wasn't YOUR crisis. You were not in the ICU. Your house didn't burn down. If you were not a part of the union and you were in IT and you had a crisis at work where your company was being taken over and you had a security breach, would you expect a phone call? Probably not.

I think you need to review your priorities and not lose your family over this. So you punished small children or kids who are obvlivious to the situation, elderly relatives, siblings, etc, because you felt that a couple wealthy relatives should give money and be vocal about it?

[tattoobunnie]

I'm still confused. Did you need money, or you just annoyed they didn't comment on your interviews?

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems. No need to hate because someone has money.

I find people only ask you if you are okay if you regularly cannot pull yourself up by the boot straps. If you can't reach out authentically, instead of hiding behind things hoping they figure it out, then how could you expect something to give you heart-felt response?

[abitbroken]

I'm still confused. Did you need money, or you just annoyed they didn't comment on your interviews?

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems. No need to hate because someone has money.

I think he wanted them to donate to the cause because they have money so he feels they should?

[tattoobunnie]

I think he wanted them to donate to the cause because they have money so he feels they should?

Yeah...I'm confused. Were you looking for donations? Why didn't you just ask them directly instead of texting them interviews?

If you relative is old, does she even have a smart phone to look at the interview with your links?

[itsallgrand]

I think he wanted them to donate to the cause because they have money so he feels they should?

I thought he wanted simple acknowledgement, instead of them pretending like nothing was happening.
A quick text even, " thinking of you cuz" or whatever...but it seems like the history is they only hit him up when they want something. I could be wrong.

[abitbroken]

I thought he wanted simple acknowledgement, instead of them pretending like nothing was happening.
A quick text even, " thinking of you cuz" or whatever...but it seems like the history is they only hit him up when they want something. I could be wrong.

Maybe i can't relate because if that was my family, they would say something when they saw me - at the next family gathering vs texting me, but every fam is different.

[Cherylyn]

I understand that you had a duty as the Union President to implore the public to financially support federal employees during the US government shutdown. However, your expectations from family and friends are extremely unrealistic and unfair. It is their discretion to determine whether or not they wish to donate their hard money to anyone no matter what the cause. They have the right just like the rest of us.

I have a wealthy family member such as yours. Whenever anyone asks you questions which flabbergast you, you need to dumb it down. To answer, "why do you work so much?" Say, "Because I have bills to pay and this is how I eat and have a roof over my head." "Why don't you buy a new car?" Say, "Because I can't afford it." Remain civil. Be a peaceful person. I know you're angry and envious of your affluent family member. Explain simply and even though you'll receive pity, grin and bear it. Be a good sport in the name of peace. Don't burn your bridges over resentment and dumb questions. Chalk it up to their ignorance.

You could've accepted the invitation instead of declining to attend if you lowered your expectations of others. Don't expect anything and you won't feel offended nor hurt anymore. This is what I do. You have to remember to enforce healthy boundaries with family and friends. Don't go overboard with your expectations or demands of others. You won't get it. You need to draw the line as they're doing with you.

I attend reunions out of tradition and family / friend obligations while keeping the peace all the while. How do I do it? With enforced healthy boundaries always. You have to treat others like good acquaintances. Be nice, kind and that's it. Don't involve money otherwise it's a fast way to make enemies and create awkward feelings from both parties. My mother forwarned me never to discuss money, politics, religion nor anything below the neck! Wise woman!

You need to behave better. Keep your stance more generic and back off. This is how you create enduring relationships with family and friends because you are showing them respect.

Since you've declined the family reunion invitation what's done is done. If you truly do not wish to attend, then don't attend. If you can realize what you did wrong was way out of line, perhaps you can have a change of heart, call your affluent family member and change your declination to RSVPing "yes" for attendance. You need to change your mindset.

You say you felt they "neglected." I disagree. It's not their responsibility to help nor bail anyone out. What they do with their hard money is their business. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

When it comes to jobs and money, I've since learned the very hard, harsh way that you're on your own. This is the harsh reality check. This is life. I too felt quite bitter regarding no one helping my family during a past financial crisis whether for jobs or money. I now realize it's sink or swim. This is the harsh reality check. Everyone survives on their own.

Once finances are taken care of, socializing with family and friends is smooth as gravy. All is well and troubles are light. All I want to think about is what to cook for dinner tonight. Until then, it's a miserable world. Fortunately, I count my blessings in my situation.

I hope you change the way you think. Yes, your emotions are clouding your logic. I don't think your family and friends are hypocrites as I'm in the same boat. It is my decision alone whether or not I wish to donate my hard earned cash to anyone. I don't owe anyone anything. It's up my discretion. It's my choice and my decision alone. These actions and feelings should not mix with family relationships and friendships. Keep those two schools of thoughts separate.

I'm envious of my wealthy family members but I treat them with respect. You ought to try it. Show class no matter what. Be polite and courteous. Show common decency and common courtesy. You'll become a happier, more secure person if you change your mindset.

[Capricorn3]

Did you text family asking for money, or did you only text them url links to interviews you were in?

Texting links is beyond the most passive way to get a hand up. I probably wouldn't have even realized? You can't fault people for being able to jump from you yourself need help from url links of interviews asking help for all affected. Totally different things.

I agree with the above. Sending them links was like asking for general donations for all those affected etc. Maybe they DID make donations? You have no idea if they did or not. If YOU needed help, on a personal level, such as needing food, or help with money for paying bills etc, then you should have asked them directly - preferably face-to-face. Sending links as a hint is not the way to go.

As for the wealthy relative: I think she does care about you. When she asks you questions like "why do you work so hard" and "why don't you buy a new car" you simply answer her question. What's so hard about saying "...because I have bills to pay and I can't afford a new car" ?? A simple questions only requires a simple answer.

I can understand your feelings of disappointment, but have to say, Yes, I do think your emotions are clouding your logic.