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Thread: Almost certain was in relationship with Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. #1
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    Almost certain was in relationship with Borderline Personality Disorder

    My relationship with someone who I'm also certain had borderline personality disorder (pretty sure that there was some narcissistic personality disorder as well) recently ended and I wanted to share my experience, see if anyone else had a similar experience, and if anyone can help me with advice to deal with the breakup (maybe with some specific BPD breakup advice). I've been with someone for over 5 years that was clinically diagnosed with BPD, and most of the behavioral patterns are the same. I also had a psychologist and friends with similar experiences agree with me.

    Most of the time we got along great. We were both introverted so we more or less had the same energy levels, enjoyed doing a lot of the same things, and enjoyed spending our time together. She was also young, in good shape, and frankly, liked sex, and I thought things were nearly perfect. However in between these blocks of time where everything was great, something would 'trigger' her, and she would get into these moods that I would describe as 'quiet hostility', where she would be distant, not interested in communicating, with irrational thinking and behavior, and especially prone to becoming further upset.

    In retrospect I've found at least some of the things that trigger her are perceived rejection or criticism. One time I made plans with her to sit around the house essentially, but I forgot that I had made plans weeks ago to play some games with people. I asked if she wanted to go play for a little bit, and then come back to my place to do what we originally planned to do. She said that she didn't want to, but I could go if I wanted. I said that doing something with her was more important. She insisted that I go because I'll be upset all night. I said it was fine (and I wasn't upset). Fast forward 2 hours later, she came over 'triggered' and things escalated between us over the next couple days.

    Another time we were sitting together watching a movie. She suggested going to sleep, and I stated that I wasn't quite ready yet. I moved couches so I can lie down. 30 minutes later I told her that I was ready, gave her a light hug, and turned the movie off and started going to my room. She didn't come right away, and I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to her kicking me, and when I didn't attend to her, she started huffing and puffing like she was irritated. She was triggered and things escalated between us over the next couple days.

    That was actually the episode that I would say lead to our latest and final breakup. This has happened 4 or 5 times while we were together for a year. It became a recognizable pattern. Then it would escalate until her or I or both of us decided that we should stop seeing each other.

    It was impossible to get her to bring up what the original problem was that triggered her. If I ever found out it was always after all the damage has been done and it was too late. Instead she expected me to know what the problem was, and expected me to somehow fix it. Meanwhile most of the time I was confused and in disbelief as to what was going on.

    She would start making unrealistic demands, like demanding I apologize for merely asking if she wanted to go play some games (as above), or apologize for something that I did that prior we'd both be comfortable with (e.g., telling her that she should come over to fool around).

    She would be insanely sensitive, where anything that could perceived as an insult was perceived that way, whether it actually was or not. Sometimes it got to the point where any kind of less than positive intonation in my voice would set her off.

    But at the same time she would be entirely insensitive. There's been times where she's spent hours of time sending me text messages of how I perceivably wronged her, and about my faults and mistakes.

    There was a sense of entitlement with her. She stated that she ‘deserved’ this or that, such as she deserved someone that would treat her how ‘she needs to be treated’, no matter how bad she acted.

    She never seemed to be remorseful for what she did, and she's only apologized on two occasions; one of them I forced her to do it after we broke up is she wanted to talk about what happened. It was never her fault, and it was always mine. Whatever she did was entirely justified according to her.

    She also wanted unconditional love. She told me that when she’s upset it would be good to give her a hug. So otherwise if she was mad at me I should give her a hug, which granted might make her feel better, but its positive reinforcement for her being mad and basically saying that its ok for her to treat me anyway that she wanted to. How could I do that?

    It seemed like she was always able to drop the relationship easily, but then would find ways to contact me, or show up at my house, within a wide range of times after the incident. It was only at THAT point we'd be able to have a somewhat constructive conversation (if it was talked about at all) and up until this time we'd get back together.

    During this last episode I got so frustrated, sad, and upset about how unfairly she was treating me that I pretty much blocked her on all communications and decided to not give her a robe that I bought her, that we kept at my house. She came to my house a couple days later and demanded it, which I told her wasn’t there, and I sent her away. She then responded by keying my car that night, and the police are now involved. We've texted a couple time since then and she's insanely mad. States that she wishes she never met me. I also feel like she used me, and kept me around until after she got her license and after I helped her move into her new place.

    The whole situation has been traumatic for me. I allowed her back in my life because I thought that some how she'd get better, and granted it has to an extent, at least her expressed anger. Its also so frustrating, one because we got along so well together when she's not in these moods, and two because she's the one that wanted to leave this last time, and she has no idea how her behavior has affected us. She thinks its all perfectly justified. I also have this hope that she's going to come back, and we'll talk about everything, and she'll commit to doing something about her condition.

    Anyone have any similar experiences?

  2. #2
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    All that energy you just devoted to analyzing and diagnosing her??

    Could have been much better spent focusing on you and your healing.

    It doesn't matter if she is BPD, narcissistic, sociopathic, psychopathic, schizophrenic, whatever it seriously does not matter.

    And the more you focus on her and whatever pathology besets her, the more stuck you get, preventing you from looking within to determine why the **** you chose to remain in that mess and healing.

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    Did she ever one time say she realizes she needs professional help?

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm a bit worried that you're scarred from your previous relationships to an extent that you're finding it very hard to trust again.

    All break ups are hard...they can be really hard. I think of it like capsize recovery and you'll first need to find air again while you're under water and once you find that pocket of air under your boat or you've come out under the sky again, you'll need to float and then eventually right yourself and get right back in. You're still in the water and even though you're breathing you haven't righted your boat or got back in yet. You can't stay in the water for long so get out of there.

    I did pick up that she was young and she just got her license but you have a house. Why such a large gap in age/maturity? Take things one day at a time and absorb as you need to but get out of that water. I think you're swirling in an eddy and you'll drown trying to understand her. I can't understand a lot of people but what I have learned to do is just let things be and be content with what I need to do. Hope this helps.

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    My ex was diagnosed BPD, by two different psychiatrists. He refused any treatment.

    We were together for about a year, on and off. It was extremely emotionally volatile, and I never knew when he was going to fly into a rage. When it was good, he was lovely and charming. When it was bad, well, suffice it to say I hardly recognized the person in front of me. I had never experienced anything quite like that; it was disorienting, painful, and chaotic.

    I walked away for good when I just couldn't handle it anymore, after a particularly horrendous argument, and when I knew he wasn't ever planning on seeking any help. It was the most draining relationship of my life. But you know what? The biggest growth and change in me came from taking time off dating and working on me and figuring out why I stayed. I had some inner work to do there, and could not reasonably shift all the blame on him. I had to learn to take accountability for my own choices, and do a better job identifying and heeding the red flags. I could have left sooner and minimized the emotional trauma. So could you. Now your time would be better spent understanding why you stuck around and how you're going to avoid it in the future.

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    You should focus on what attracts you to these types of people, and why you stay. Stop trying to figure them out and work on you.

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    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Oh boy, so you got involved with a crazy one. Let me guess, she's beautiful? - they always are!

    So now you want out? She keyed your car, hopefully that's the end of it, or it could be just the beginning.

    The first thing to do is cut contact. Any contact in any form will tend to exacerbate problems.

    Some people consider mental issues a dealbreaker.

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    Thanks for the response. I think I choose to stay because I'm an idealist, I thought I could handle the situation, and how she was when she wasn't in these negative states. I'm realizing more and more that it isn't worth it though.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In dating, what you see is what you get. No matter how much you try to fix, change, manipulate, threaten to break up, make ultimatums or control her, you won't be able to change her. If you don't like what you see or what you dealt with, it's time to finally move forward and block and delete her.
    Originally Posted by lucid1
    I also have this hope that she's going to come back, and we'll talk about everything, and she'll commit to doing something about her condition.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lucid1
    I think I choose to stay because I'm an idealist.
    Interesting.

    So the dynamic inside the relationship, at least in your mind, is that you are an idealist and she is disordered, that you are "fixed" and she is "broken." That's not particularly healthy—or, to use another word, not particularly ideal.

    It might be worth exploring if you're drawn to someone like this because she allows you to idealize yourself. For all the agony and drama here, I think what keeps you invested isn't just how things are when she isn't in those "negative states," but that her being the "negative" one allows you to feel like the "positive" one.

    Is she much younger than you, as Rose asked? Aside from the psychological stuff, there seems to be a pretty big gap between where you both are in life.

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