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Thread: Almost certain was in relationship with Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. #11
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    Had an ex who pathologically (and expertly) lied to me the entire time we dated - for two years. I found out at the very end that he had dated two other girls the whole time we were dating. I'd asked him early on when we started sleeping together if he was seeing anyone else because he didn't want to use condoms (I was on the pill), and I wanted us both to be tested for STDs before we started sleeping together. When he finally confessed about the other women in the picture, he told me "But I used condoms every time. That was very important to me." I still want to vomit when I remember that conversation. Needless to say, after that convo I told him never to speak to me again, blocked him everywhere and got tested for every single STD on the planet.

    On top of those offences, he regularly turned into a raging monster on me out of nowhere and seemed to have a three-week limit of time where he could act peaceful and sane before randomly sending me texts in the middle of the night that made no sense, stirring up confusion and drama and, when I had broken up with him, accusing me of hacking his social media accounts (there's a long post about that in my history from 2014 if you're eager to read about that experience). I tried to break things off a number of times after feeling like he was unstable and he would show up on my subway car, in front of my house, and even IN THE SAME EUROPEAN CITY I lived in after I had moved away.

    In the end, after blocking him everywhere and finally piecing it all together, I determined that he must have had some kind of personality disorder. There were tons of red flags that he did that I wasn't aware of until after the fact. But, okay, that's my answer to "Anyone have similar experiences?"


    Here's my advice: Stop. Focusing. On. Her. I'll echo what others have said. It doesn't matter - sometimes it can help feel better by focusing on what was wrong with the other person but all it does is perpetuate your attention on her. What I find happens then is that in your fixation, you wind up attracted to someone else who has similar characteristics, get involved, and the cycle repeats itself. By thinking so much about her you are keeping that relationship alive. Break the cycle. Get away. Remember what happened and learn the lessons, but spend this time evolving past it with a therapist, good support network and even by writing here, if it helps.

    But believe me, she would probably only be flattered to know you've wasted a long time writing that lengthy post just about her.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I don't know. I have a lot of women friends and am one myself. She just sounds like a woman.

    Women can be emotional, they can be sensitive, they can get hurt, unstable or more prone to upset depending on what their hormones are doing.

    I think she can't communicate very well and that's obviously very bad for a relationship as you end up guessing why she's upset.

    The game night and sleeping thing, well there are 2 sides to every story. Something obviously upset her.

    Yeah, keying your car wasn't good but you did however provoke and were mean for the sake of being mean. It's a robe for goodness sake, why be mean?

    But as for BPD? I'm sorry but I don't see it. Those aren't the typical characteristics. They are usually much worse and far more prominent.

    At worst, she's immature in some ways, bad communicator and expects you to mind read, but heck, loads of people have those issues, including men.

    You two just don't work very well in very important areas like understanding one another or being sensitive to one another's need.

    Plus you both punish and blame.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Oh boy, so you got involved with a crazy one. Let me guess, she's beautiful? - they always are!
    Gary, can you maybe word this differently so that it's not so insulting? Society is trying to overcome the stigma of mental illness so that people don't bully the idea or those who suffer with different forms of it.

    But talking like this doesn't help the cause and it's degrading on top of it.

    Be a better man than that, please.

    OP, if you aren't happy with your relationship, then end it once and for all. But diagnosing her and playing the blame game, is a waste of time.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    All that energy you just devoted to analyzing and diagnosing her??

    Could have been much better spent focusing on you and your healing.

    It doesn't matter if she is BPD, narcissistic, sociopathic, psychopathic, schizophrenic, whatever it seriously does not matter.

    And the more you focus on her and whatever pathology besets her, the more stuck you get, preventing you from looking within to determine why the **** you chose to remain in that mess and healing.
    I think I choose to remain because how great things were together most of the time. Also I'm an idealist. I like to think that things can be worked out for an ideal solution. The thing is she doesn't think anything is wrong with her behavior, so nothing can be worked out.


    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Did she ever one time say she realizes she needs professional help?
    Last time we stopped seeing each other (and got back together) she mentioned that she went and talked to someone, presumably a therapist. She said that she was trying not to have too many expectations, which really is only one of many behavioural concerns.


    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm a bit worried that you're scarred from your previous relationships to an extent that you're finding it very hard to trust again.

    All break ups are hard...they can be really hard. I think of it like capsize recovery and you'll first need to find air again while you're under water and once you find that pocket of air under your boat or you've come out under the sky again, you'll need to float and then eventually right yourself and get right back in. You're still in the water and even though you're breathing you haven't righted your boat or got back in yet. You can't stay in the water for long so get out of there.

    I did pick up that she was young and she just got her license but you have a house. Why such a large gap in age/maturity? Take things one day at a time and absorb as you need to but get out of that water. I think you're swirling in an eddy and you'll drown trying to understand her. I can't understand a lot of people but what I have learned to do is just let things be and be content with what I need to do. Hope this helps.
    I can totally see how someone would have trust issues while dating or after breaking up with someone with BPD. Someone that one minute proclaims that they love you, and the next minute they are being the most vicious and hateful person, and for no apparent reason.

    She's 9 years younger than me. I don't actually own a house, and she got her license late in her life. I have a natural inclination to want to understand and analyze things, especially people. I don't think that I can just let things be without analyzing the hell out of it lol. Thanks for the advice.


    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    My ex was diagnosed BPD, by two different psychiatrists. He refused any treatment.

    We were together for about a year, on and off. It was extremely emotionally volatile, and I never knew when he was going to fly into a rage. When it was good, he was lovely and charming. When it was bad, well, suffice it to say I hardly recognized the person in front of me. I had never experienced anything quite like that; it was disorienting, painful, and chaotic.

    I walked away for good when I just couldn't handle it anymore, after a particularly horrendous argument, and when I knew he wasn't ever planning on seeking any help. It was the most draining relationship of my life. But you know what? The biggest growth and change in me came from taking time off dating and working on me and figuring out why I stayed. I had some inner work to do there, and could not reasonably shift all the blame on him. I had to learn to take accountability for my own choices, and do a better job identifying and heeding the red flags. I could have left sooner and minimized the emotional trauma. So could you. Now your time would be better spent understanding why you stuck around and how you're going to avoid it in the future.
    This sounds pretty similar to us. When things were good she'd love me so much, and enjoyed everything that we did. It was also a concern that once again, something would trigger her, and there would be a downward spiral into a nasty conflict. I knew that it was going to happen again, and when it finally happened, I tried to not give an inch as I was pretty much down with it. Pretty sure things are done at this point. I stayed because I loved her, and I loved how things were when they were good. It was intoxicating. I think thats part of the thing with BPD. Things can be so great at times, and so bad other times, and its the extremes (and sudden shifts between them) that make these relationships different than 'standard ones'.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Oh boy, so you got involved with a crazy one. Let me guess, she's beautiful? - they always are!

    So now you want out? She keyed your car, hopefully that's the end of it, or it could be just the beginning.

    The first thing to do is cut contact. Any contact in any form will tend to exacerbate problems.

    Some people consider mental issues a dealbreaker.
    I remember reading about BPD when I was with my first GF who had it. I remember reading that the best thing to do is to cut all contact, since those with BPD tend to work their way back to you. I don't consider mental illness a dealbreaker necessarily. I have dealt with depression and anxiety in my life, and take medication for it. However I've never done the things to her that she's done to me, and her condition is such that has a direct detrimental effect on the relationship (e.g., ending the relationship due to perceived rejection in order to not feel abandoned).


    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    In dating, what you see is what you get. No matter how much you try to fix, change, manipulate, threaten to break up, make ultimatums or control her, you won't be able to change her. If you don't like what you see or what you dealt with, it's time to finally move forward and block and delete her.
    You're probably right. I wish that I had the chance to talk to her about this and see what she's willing to do about it, so I could see for myself


    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Interesting.

    So the dynamic inside the relationship, at least in your mind, is that you are an idealist and she is disordered, that you are "fixed" and she is "broken." That's not particularly healthy—or, to use another word, not particularly ideal.

    It might be worth exploring if you're drawn to someone like this because she allows you to idealize yourself. For all the agony and drama here, I think what keeps you invested isn't just how things are when she isn't in those "negative states," but that her being the "negative" one allows you to feel like the "positive" one.

    Is she much younger than you, as Rose asked? Aside from the psychological stuff, there seems to be a pretty big gap between where you both are in life.

    Based on my experience with other GFs, consulting with many people about events, as well as a psychologist, I know that she is disordered. That isn't to say that I'm not disordered either, just not in that way, and my 'disorder' doesn't affect personal relationships like hers does. As mentioned I've dealt with depression and anxiety issues in the past, which are much much better now. I'm mindful of my 'faults'. She unfortunately isn't even aware of hers. Aside from that, whenever we had conflict, she'd always blame me, and she was never to blame. Me on the other hand, always accepted some responsibility for all interactions. I understand that behavior doesn't occur in a vacuum. I was willing to meet half way and compromise and work on things. She wasn't.

    I was drawn to her originally (before these extreme mood changes) because we were both introverted, both analytical, both in good shape, and thought in a lot of the same ways. I feel bad about continuing to refer to this, but BPD's tend to make their spouse feel extra special. It was a wonderful feeling.

    We're actually pretty close to the same spot in life. I'm just 9 years older, and a lot more mature, which she's admitted to a couple times.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    SherSher....i wish people would think of us just as 'emotional' women. When i was going thru menopause....and lots of other issues....i look back at that time and am so ashamed of some of the things i did! Even 1 drink could set me off....and be extrememly sensitive. I pretty much don't drink at all. Borderline...as i said in a different post...is very much a spectrum illness. So one person could be volitile every week....another...just once a year. Marilyn Monroe was a 'waif' borderline. She eventually committed suicide. Life isn't easy for them. And I wish people WERE a little more understanding. Of course, the person with BPD has to admit they have a problem....and that is where it gets sticky. Borderlines don't think theirs anything wrong with them. I KNEW there was something wrong with me when I was acting out...I'd pray. Please, God...make me normal. Calm me down. Sometimes I'd just have to leave and walk it off. Go somewhere and YELL! I never became violent towards them...I became more violent towards myself. When the relationship ended....we were engaged and he met someone else....I spiraled into a DEEP depression, because I blamed myself.
    So then...I think....Do I tell people I might meet that I am Borderline and be judged. Or do I just wait. Or do I tell them...and anytime an argument/disagreement comes up, they can use it against you...and just say...."oh, you're just nuts".

    It's sad. We're suppose to be understanding of people. We accept people with depression, with anxiety...but Not any of the personality disorders, in which there is NO MEDICATION. I'ts something I usually don't bring up, because of the stigma. Most people who know me would never have a clue. I think WAY more people have it than diagnosed, because to be diagnosed...you have to admit it! And as you know....it's not THEIR fault...it's YOURS!

    Walk away if you can't handle it. Keying your car is beyond obnoxious. It's a crime. Mostly all I did was cry. I guess that's part of the ''waif'' BPD. Until I was pushed to my limits....ugh. It's hard to hear when people want to treat you like a leaper....and you have the disease.

  8. #17
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Gary, can you maybe word this differently so that it's not so insulting? Society is trying to overcome the stigma of mental illness so that people don't bully the idea or those who suffer with different forms of it.

    But talking like this doesn't help the cause and it's degrading on top of it.

    Be a better man than that, please.

    OP, if you aren't happy with your relationship, then end it once and for all. But diagnosing her and playing the blame game, is a waste of time.
    - Serious talks about dating and relationships on a relationship board is just that - serious and not for the faint of heart. This is not a chat forum. Reality is what it is. Don't shoot the messenger.

    At least I'm not telling people to breakup long term relationships or get divorced like many people are.....I try to give people the facts and let them decide for themselves and live their own lives. I do actually try to be politically correct to a great extent........yet sometimes you have to call a spade a spade and talk simply for the best results.

    If it helps any, everybody is crazy once in awhile. It's just that some could be considered too crazy to be good catches.

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