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Thread: heartache after the breakup

  1. #1
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    heartache after the breakup

    Hello.

    This is more a post for me to vent, like a journal... I hope you all don't mind.

    I am 4 weeks post-"he needs space" and almost 3 weeks post-actual breakup of a 4 year relationship. We haven't spoken since the official breakup.

    I miss him so much. I feel like something huge is missing, ripped straight out of my heart and soul. In the last 5 years (includes 1 year before we dated), I have not gone more than 1 week without talking to him. It was usually fairly constant communication throughout the day... I am feeling slightly better day by day, but the heartache still weighs heavy. My only other breakup was when I was divorced, and though I was heartbroken then too, I had the anger of his cheating to get me through.

    This time there is no anger. His only transgressions (if you can call them that) were indecision and depression. Perhaps I was a little naive and ignorant to think we would last. Now that I am on the outside, I worry that I was in more of a "situationship" than a relationship. He was my friend for many years before we dated, and we came together romantically in a time of need in both our lives. He had never had a real girlfriend before me... was I just a "practice run?" A casual thing that ran way to long?

    And while I hope we will be friends again someday, it's hard to think I will ever be truly over him. I was over my ex husband SO fast (well, about 9 months or so) because of how he wronged me. This... this feels like the one that got away and I thought we were on the same page, when we clearly were not.

    I want him back. But I wouldn't trust his decision if he came back now. Not this soon. He probably won't be ready for a healthy, lasting relationship for quite some time. Maybe years. Probably not with me... I hope I'm strong enough to say no if he comes back too soon. He probably won't come back anyway... Mutual friends tell me he is not in a good place right now. I hate that I can't talk to him. But talking to him would be torture... I'm starting to think us dating was a huge mistake and now our friendship will never be okay again... I don't want to think of it as a mistake. But given the outcome, how can I not?

    My heart feels like it's shriveling up as I get through the day. My self-confidence is shot. I just want it to be a year from now. Maybe I'll be back to my old self by then...

    Thanks for the rant... I can't promise I won't be back because this was pretty therapeutic...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry you're hurting. It means you have heart and soul and humanity. That means one day, you'll love again.

  3. #3
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    Four weeks is not long at all. You need to give yourself time--you were together for four years! That's a huge investment. Space is the best thing right now. You are doing the right thing.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Looking back and trying to make the relationship less meaningful is rewriting history, and though it is a normal part of the grieving process, I would suggest you not do it.

    Let the narrative be that you had a long and loving relationship with a person that didn't work out in the long-run. It is likely the truth of the situation if you do not have contradictory information. Sometimes people grow apart and lose attraction and there's nothing that can be done. It doesn't mean the bond you shared or the time you had is no longer important or suddenly one big lie.

    I encourage you to keep processing your emotions in a healthy way. Consider starting a personal journal, because it may be helpful if you found this small outpour useful. I'm sorry for your loss and pain.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Indecision and depression are difficult items to deal with and I don't think depression is a transgression of any kind. I won't interpret you literally though as I doubt you meant it that way. I only hope you realize after some healing time that these types of issues are not your fight and while no relationship is perfect, you should feel a lot more confident about a person in general.

    I can only detect vast distrust and no stability (no trust) in his decisions and actions towards you. Not even friendships are made for that level of distrust and phrased that way it probably sounds funny because when we think of friendships, of course, it involves trust. Why then should relationships (a deeper level of friendship in a way) not require great trust? Yet time and time again we find ourselves fraught with fears and distrust of our partners and sometimes the dissolution or devolution of a relationship involves the disintegration of trust over time.

    I think the greatest repairing comes at a point where you begin to forgive and re-learn to trust yourself and your own decisions. This leads me to SGH's next level point about refraining from making the relationship less meaningful. To build on this point, to me, it means that you re-learn to trust yourself again and it means that you do not have to fear your previous judgments and actions and the memories you made. Don't live in complete regret or fear of yourself. Learn to trust yourself all over again after learning from your mistakes, keep staying curious, open-minded and willing to learn new things, meet new people and trust yourself in your decisions going forward.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your pain. It takes time to heal your wounded heart and soul.

    In the meantime, try to distract yourself with activities you enjoy whether it's exercise, surrounding yourself with good friends, hobbies, outings or whatever you enjoy. I hope distractions will help you recover and move on with your life. Stay strong.


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